I did it.....

You go girl! I am so glad that that 9 yr old felt that hug! You are very good to her!

Thanks Tired, i really appreciate you saying this and it helps me feel like I am leading the way for others and it makes it even mor worth it.

Sannah you have been such a great support through out this and I thank you. I know my T's would thank you to. I just cant believe that I am actually doing this. I am doing this! Its hard and its yucky but Im trying. I left a message on my reg T's voicemail and I told her that Im fighting as hard as i can. I told her that I cant always be this strong and sometimes I wont be able to be this way but for now i feel strong. Sannah thanks for the PM offer. i will take you up on that. I need that.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me by posting reading and/or just thinking about me. I cant tell you how much having you guys has helped. I look foward to supporting you guys in return. I get happy when I work hard and I think i cant wait to tell psych central how this worked or how i feel about this. Doc John had a vision and its coming true for me. Doc John is the heart and soul of how mental health should be. he trusted us enough to give us a place to support each other and grow together. he didnt just think well they are only going to be helped by professionals he saw that we can and do need to have support from other people.

thanks everyone.......

Minime you've got me misty again! I am so proud of you! When we reach in and find our power we can do anything, especially when we have the right therapy and friends to support us.... And you have come so far because you have such a beautiful and loving spirit!

((sannah))

My reg T called me today and told me yesterday she went for a run and she smashed the guys face on the bottom of her shoes. yeah for her.

therapist 3 yucky guy 19191009i9989898938738 (hey we are getting somewhere)

Hi MM, LOVE that one! What if one of us runs and it's his miniature nuts we smash in on the pavement to match his dirtbag face.

Hope you're hanging in there. We'd all like to smash him for you. I hate having the feeling of them in your DNA. I feel the same way about my blood since I come from a long line of sickos. Unfortunately, it really is in my DNA. Plus non-relatives have gotten a hold of me too so I just feel gross and contaminated inside & out. I do bad things to myself sometimes just to try to get it off me. I wish it would wash out or Lysol off, but I haven't gotten it to yet. I bet you know what I mean. Your DNA stuff made me think of all that. Hopefully your T will be able to help you get rid of it all.

Life that was so funny. I was at the dr with my nephew when I read your post and I burst out laughing. Everyone looked at me and I was like the post the bus'......So funny. Its weird looking at this monster with anger and meanness. I am so afraid of him still. When others gt mad at him for me i feel like I want to stand behind them and shake my fist at him also. LOL. I AM FEELING EMPOWERED!!!! YAY ME! Hopefully this feeling lasts longer then five miniuts.

I loved visualizing this Minime!

Yeah, I agree with Sannah. Glad I made you laugh. I was so worried writing that it might be a trigger or something but I knew it might make you laugh so I had to give it a try. So relief, whew! Plus I always get a kick out of anything socially taboo or unacceptable so the image of you laughing in the middle of the doc's office made it even more fun. Put us all in a wall in front of you and we'll help you do a lot more than shake your fist at that worthless inhumane bastard. Enjoy your empowerment while it lasts, I hope there's much more of that for you.

((LIFE)).......thanks

Im scared because I am going back to EMDR today. I am afraid of what it will bring up and that I will be in pain again. I need to do this and I can do this. I am strong and I have a whole bunch of support here and irl. I will let you know.

Keep us posted, we're thinking of you.

Minime, you can do it! We are here for you!

Thanks life. It was hard yesterday. It was so hard. I did it though. I ended up crying in pain about 4 or so. My emdr t helped me through it. I dont understand why it is still hurting. WHY????? I am trying to process it trying to comfort my body. Life your right its like your body betrays you. Dont worry I will be ok.

Hi Mini, I don't know how I missed your post yesterday? I thought that your session was today. I don't understand this pain. Are you having physical pain now that you experienced when you were kidnapped?

hi sannah ((HUG)) I guess its called body memories. I have had it ever since the thing. It happens usually when I am triggered or thinking about the kidnapping/assualt.

tigger warning dont read if you are triggered easily.............



When the guy was raping me I thought he was cutting me in half somehow thats how it felt very very painful . so when I get triggered or something reminds me of that night I feel that feeling again usually its just a little yucky but since I have been doing EMDR on it its been strong and at times unbearable pain. I dont understand it I dont get it. There is nothing wrong with me physically, Sometimes it hurts so bad I throw up. I dont get it i dont understand it and I dont know how to help it. My emdr T said she was going to do research and call around to see what can help. I am going to call my dr in a second and beg for painkillers which I know wont help but maybe they will make me feel loopy and that might make me feel better. of course i will tell her this and of course she wont give them to me but I will try. I just cant lie to my dr and say I need painkillers for something else . I have this honesty characteristic that drives me crazy. I will be ok I think. I can do this.

Darling Mini, I am so sorry that you had to go through that (yes, I'm misty again). I just cannot imagine how a 9 year old would/could experience that. You are so brave and strong Mini! I hope you find some answers to help you. Would a heating pad help?

((sannah)) thanks. A heating pad has helped. Thanks for reminding me of that. I called my dr back and I am waiting for her to call me. I will be ok. dont worry. I promise i will be ok. ((LOVE))

Mini, this was one of the tips from your therapist. This makes me think that grounding yourself in the present will help and trying to focus on your power now not your helplessness then? (Replacing feeling of the past with feelings from now).

I am so very upset. I try and be positive and I try to be honest and I just think whats the use. My T's cant make this pain go away. I call my dr and try to talk to her and she is so crabby. I told her that i wanted pain pills and I know she probably wont let me have them. She says its psychiatric pain. i said please dont call me psychiatric anything. She got mad and said you have so many rules and I cant follow them! I can only think the only rule I have ever said was last friday when I asked her not to call me a victim or a survivor. I ignored this and said well I am assuming you wont let me have any pain pills and she said NO, and I jokingly said ok well your fired. She hung up on me!! I was still talking to her laughing about it and I realized she had hung up on me.
I cant do this. I cant be treated like i am crazy. I know that my pain is all in my head. I know that it still hurts and I would appreciate some sort of help. I told this dr last week why I have this pain and thats a big deal for me, and now she hangs up on me for no reason. I feel like I am stupid and crazy and gross and yucky. I was so shocked she hung up on me iot took like five min to process that. I just could not beleive she did that. I really liked this dr. I know that I will never be able to trust her ever again. I feel like she has no regard for me as a person no respect for me. I think I have cried so much tonight my eyes are swollen. I just feel like such a looser. Whos dr hangs up on them? I was being so nice and so honest and she took it the wrong way. I feel so stupid and horriable and sad and gross and alone and in pain and my body is a mess. I fel so stupid for trusting people with this knowledge of this pain and thinking maybe it could be helped maybe it didnt make me gross or crazy and i was wrong. I was so wrong. I feel so yucky and scared and confused. What do I do now? I think its also becasue I am on disability for the PTSD and get state medical and that makes me less important because I am so lazy and a big huge crybaby for not getting over this already. SO I dont matter to her. I am so sad and hurt and confused. i cant stop crying and crying and crying and crying. I feel like crap.

(((( minime )))) I am sorry that your doctor treats you like that, mine pulls the same kinda crap, it makes so mad. Usually my T makes me feel better when I am treated badly because she shows me that she is angry on my behalf so I will let you know that I am angry at your doctor for treating you badly.

thanks gimme. This am i feel a little better. I still cant believe she did that to me. I cant believe that she even cares about me or respects me as a person. That can nit be true. Hanging up on somone is rude. I was being so nice and so honest and she took it all the wrong way. I have given her the benifiet of the doubt before because she has had twins almost a year ago. However this is just to much. So I am doctor less. I left a message at her office not sure what all i said but it was basically I hope you all have fun laughing at the crazy person. I am the nicest person I know. I am so very nice, and I guess I am to crazy and stuck in the past. I should just get over it and then maybe people would respect me.

i Just wanted to let you guys know i am going to have a movie day with my baby girl. I am going to try and make this a better day. The pain is really bad today because well I dont know. It comes and goes. Im not giving up the fight because my stupid dr is a crappy support person. Im shutting down and closing the blinds and trying to gather my fighing spirit back. I am so hurt but I know that the severity of my reaction means I was triggered by her and all my reaction is because she is a poor support person and it reminds me of other stuff. So I am going to find my power hopefully and try and mend my heart enough to make it to monday when I see My reg T K. I will check later for posts. ((HUG)) ((SANNAH)) ((LIFEBLOWS)) i needed a hug so I know when you two sign on you will get these.

My Darling Mini, I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Medical doctors don't get this stuff. They aren't trained in it and they just don't know how to handle this stuff. I'll bet her hanging up on you did bring back many other situations in your past. I wish that I could take your pain away. Can you get pain meds from a psychiatrist? You are not stupid, you are not gross, you are not crazy, you are not yucky and you are not a loser. You are our wonderful Mini .....

((((((((MINIME)))))))))) (hugs)

Thanks guys. i feel alot better. The emotions have died down. I am back to feeling postive and stuff. It was a definiate set back, but i think i will work it out. I decided that besides a few people here and my Therapists I wont sek outside support any more. Im just not ready. I am not ready for that type of reaction. So I will keep things once again to myself besides you guys and my T's. I learned a lesson from my DR and that was to not trust people with this knowldge because they throw it back in your face. I was getting to confident in my feeling of being not yucky and that people would be supportive and that what I was going through wasnt crazy or psychaitric but a normal reaction to trauma. My T's made me feel safe. I have therapy tomarrow and I will talk to her about it. Im not sure what i think anymore. It really really really really hurt me what the dr did to me. It felt like she kicked the legs out from under me. So I am just kinda still in shock. The crying and anxiety attacks have lessend alot, but the shock is still there. I know that deep down my dr probably didnt mean to do this to me. I am pretty sure she was having a bad day. I also dont think if i was one of her good insurance patients she would have felt so free to do this to me. So there is a lack of trust for me now with her. If she says sorry then I may talk to her about it and get a few thing ironed out. One being that she needs to stop thinking of herself as better then me. She had a good life so far with minor trauma's and she may very well be in the same boat as me if she went through the same things. I also want her to know I wont have the awe of her because she is a Dr. I wont worship the ground she walks on. No way. I am not less of a person because i am me. Considering the rest o fmy siblings i am turning well. One sister was addicted to meth and pot and had two babies who are alcohol and drug effected that i am now raising, she also has been in jail for drug charges allowed her boyfriend to shake her baby and cook meth around her. My other sister is addicted to pain pills and has a kid with FAE and who doesnt live with her that she had convinced him he had cancer which he didnt, and another kid who i am raising nowd and a chronic attention seeker at the ER fakes seizures and being paralized has shoved a nail into her stomach to get attention, has used my med coverage at the ER to get pills. has burnt down her house, and defruaded the government. one of my brothers never talks to the family and he had a relationship with my uncle that was wrong for years that no one stopped he is addicted to pot, my other brother grows pot in his house. My baby sister is dead because my mom drank and did drugs when she was pregnant with her. So i would tell my dr that i am raising three kids I didnt give birth to one with FAS/ one with FAE and many health issues, and one who is 17 years old and not used to having food when he is hungry. I am a nice person. I am doing all this with PTSD and still functioning and expecially when my body is in pain i still have to care for the kids and stuff and I cant just sit and cry. The pain feels like well its to tiggering but its pain. I dont sleep well I have nightmeres but i still function. I have no idea how to be a good mom and I have to work very hard at thinking how to be a mom, and i know I am a good mom. I am starting a program that will be sending build a bear gift cards to kids who have bn kidnapped/and or raped and a letter from me to the kid and th kids parents offering support and encouragement. the first girl to get one is the little girl in Idaho. So i dont just sit on my butt all day and say poor me. So if she cant respect me then she cant be my dr. ((HUG))