I have a question

I was triggered by a thing I saw on americas most wanted and I usually dont watch that show but it was on. If you know me and you watched the show then you probably know what triggered me. I felt this deep deep level of sadness and pain and I cried. I felt like I was back.
I dont know what I am asking. maybe will this level of deep sadness ever leave me? Will I ever be able to do my dream of bears for little girls who have been raped/kidnapped? I cant hear the stories i cant it makes me hurt so bad. I guess that I have no dealt with with hardly any of the things of about that night. i have worked on some of it but not all of it.
I guess on tuesday i should talk to my emdr T about this and talk to her about how it feels and do some hard work. I usually have to stop after just a small amount because its to much. How long will this take? I am sure that the answers are as long as it needs to. Whats really weird is that I feel so sad and I really could use my T. I want somone to listen to me. That feeling will pass by Tuesday and i will be locked inside the prison of this night again. Somedays i wish that i could call her and have her meet me at her office when the prison unlocks the feelings and unlocks nine (what I call that girl inside me who was raped and kidnapped well because i was 9 just turned 9) Times like these are also when i want to have a mom who i could call and say mom come over. I would cover myself up with my blanket that my Reg T gave me and I would have her sit by my bed and read poems to me and let me cry until the yucky feelings went away. I guess thats sad because thats all i would want my mom to do. She would be safe and her voice would be soft and my tears would not make her mad at me. She would sit with me and read poems to me why I was sad and if I needed to talk about the yuckiness she would listen and be gentle.Maybe ann muray would be my mom. I love her voice and listen to her songs. it doesnt matter what she sings about the sound of her voice comforts 9. Sorry for rambling but I am feeling very triggered and sad. But alot of happy things have happened if you have read my post about me maybe dating ((HUG))

Mini, it sounds like you answered a lot of your questions. Writing this stuff out online is so helpful. I am sorry that you are sad .........

I need someone to check on this guy for me. I cant go back to the website if someone would pm me if they dont get triggered and would b willing to go to the sexual/violent offender site and see if this guy is still where he is supposed to be. I am always afraid he has skipped town and stuff and he always gets arrested for violating his parole. I just need to know where he is and I cant go back again its to triggering.

Thanks sannah for doing that for me.

minime, i am so so sorry for what happened to you. i feel like i understand watching something i know is bad for me but feeling compelled to watch and see if the child gets rescued or the bad person gets punished. i relate to wanting a mom, something i deny much of the time since i am a mom of adult daughters it seems too late for me to be nurtured. my bio mom has died and was one who got angry when i asked for what she could not give.

mini, when the feelings come out - when you can't call or be seen (which happens to all of us sadly) could you maybe write or audio tape what you are going through and take it with you to counseling? i just wonder if maybe doing something like that would help you bring back the feelings, memories of what came up like after this show. i get so frustrated sometimes because i seem to feel most deeply precisely when no one could possibly help me - like this time at night!

age 9 was my worst year in a rough childhood and i sympathize with how horrible it is to be so little and in such danger and pain. i wish i could give you a gift of healing that would just do something good for you. i feel so helpless in the face of your pain as well as my own. but, i am better off than i was, it seems very messy right now, but at least i can actually feel my feelings finally. hugs to you, if you want them.

leslie and pixies

(((MINIME)))

I am sorry you were triggered - it sucks bigtime! and I hate it when it happens - the bears sounds like a good idea - somthing warm and safe that they could have -

I had a bad night last night and what i did was imagine my T sat by the side of my bed and I talked to T until I fell asleep - it helped me - maybe you could do that? you could imagine talking to one of your T's - think what they wold say to your pain - I hope it helps - I hope today is a bright new day for you

((minime))
I'm so sorry about what happened to you and that you never had the mother you deserve. I've been triggered by stuff on tv too...I was watching south park on comedy central and they were making fun of the new indiana jones movie...and during ever rape scene I started to bawl my eyes out. I felt so stupid, because it's a cartoon. It's good that you have a close relationship with your T. Hope you feel better. BTW, the bears idea is really neat.

maybe its just me.. but somethings just arnt funny, Im sorry you were triggered I hope you are feeling better P7

Mini-you have answered most of your own questions. I just wanted to say that you have years of walls built up around you and these walls will not just come down overnight. There work will be tough, but you can do it. I too had many walls. But with persistance and hard work I tore down those walls. I couldn't have done it alone. My T was instrumental in this. I was angry at the people who couldn't see the walls, because I was hurting so bad and I couldn't make the flashbacks and nightmares go away alone. I was angry at the ones who could see the wall but were afraid to tackle it. I was angry at the ones who would climb half way and then stop. But I finally found a really good T who helped me realize that it wasn't about people not trying to help but about me tearing down the wall brick by brick. I am rambling, but I just want to let you know that the work you have ahead of you will be difficult and at times more than you think you can bare, but remember that you are not doing it alone. You can't put a timeline on this or it will only add to the stress, anxiety and everything else that you are feeling. Know that you CAN and WILL get through this, but all of the hard work is up to you.

THANKS so much every one. Its been a rough night last night. I did do emdr on this yesterday and all I felt like saying is I want my mom and I cried and cried and I never cry or hardly ever cry that hard in therapy. Last night it was gut renching painful/ Today though I am good better and ok. I am so sorry that you all know what I am talking about. The thing about the cartoon rape that isnt even close to being funny. Who the heck would think that was? Thats yucky. There is nothing funny about something that violates a womans or child own body and then haunts her for years and years and years that is not fair. UGGG. tell you what I went to the store and this lasy lost her club card and said oh man this has been the worst day ever I have lost so many things keys phones and I just looked at her and i know my I looked funny because I had been crying and I had just fallen of the porch and I was is so much pain emotional pain from the rape and it was so deep and yucky and here she was in her high heals and I felt like yelling at her. Thats so sad of me to feel like.

minime,
I know just how you feel. Whenever I see anything on TV or in books about rape, I always break down into uncontrollable tears and sobs. The pain is always there, just waiting for the trigger toe pulled. But I can't turn away . It's like I feel I have to bear witness at least and maybe I can make up for the fact that there was noone and nowhere togo to when it happened to me.
I'm sorry you're feeling sad. But I find that if I cannot bring myself to speak about it, writing it does a world of good. So far, I have not found the T that i can completely speak to about this. I am blessed to have oe person in my life who I can speak with about it. It seems that the years that have passed since the event/events? have thickened the walls.
all the best,minime

Thanks. I agree. I know that they were just implying that the new indiana jones movie was bad, but rape is never, ever funny. I was really disgusted with that episode.

I'm glad I'm not he only one who freaks out during rape scenes on TV or in movies. I literally have to get up&walk out of the room. I was raped&sodomized by 2 neighbor teenagers when I was from the ages of 7-10. What's bad is my family was so dysfunctional I thought that if I told I'd get in trouble as if it was something I was willingly doing. The other bad thing is that one of their mothers knew what was going on&did nothing. I know she could hear me crying&struggling to get away-her bedroom was across the hall from his. I also raked my fingernails down both sides of his face once to get him off of me&to bring attention to what he was doing to me&his Mom punished me for scratching his face. She never asked why I did it. She just spanked me bare bottom in front of him&his family&told me that she'd tell my parents the next time anything like that happened.
I'm just learning my triggers&this posting reminded me that so far I know that raised voices, anyone trying to hang on to me or hold me down&rape scenes in TV/films are my triggers.
I'm sorry if this triggered anyone-it's just that 2008 was the first year that I started remembering about this stuff&it's been a long hard road.

((skymonk))
I am so sorry. That horrible woman should be put in prison with those two nasty teenagers. That makes me so angry just thinking about how they treated you. You didn't deserve any of that, it was not your fault. I'm here if you need to talk to someone.

for everyone on this thread - so many bad things happen, you all survived and that proves you are stronger than the ones that did this to you - stronger and braver

I've been watching the tv series Heroes and there is a guy who can turn back time - geez if only we could......

take care P7

((((((((((((((Skymonk))))))))) OMG, I am so sorry