[deliquesce]

2 weeks ago he told me he'd got a promotion so he was closing his private practice altogether within a month.

last week he told me my medicare-subsidised sessions were running out, but he was going to apply for a further 6 sessions on my behalf. i asked him how that would work, because i thought he was closing his practice? and he said no, he was just cutting back days and could continue to see me but maybe not every week. i dont know how i responded (think i was still confused) and then he jumped in with "but i can see you at pdoc's hospital instead, so we can make it every week if you're willing to meet at different places".

i wanted to clarify what exactly was happening this week, but of course i just let him take the reigns again and didnt speak up at the beginning like i should have. i wanted to know if he was only willing to see me for another 6 sessions, or if he would be happy for me to pay as a private client (the money isn't an objection for me, i think it would be worth the investment). but he always has a list of things he wants to address, and kind of leads our sessions, and i didnt say anything at the beginning like i wanted to.

so at the end he told me that next week was our last session, and he asked me if i had health insurance (i don't). so he said he would be willing to see me one more time after next week (pro bono) just to see how my exam went. and then it was the end of the session.

i've moved beyond sad to just giving up. i have no space in my life for people who are going to send me mixed messages, or who change their mind from one week to the next.

but a part of me also feels really rejected. i know he works with other clients on a long term basis (he mentioned it today), and i also know he isn't dropping his other clients either (just offering them less contact, so he can fit his load into 3 days instead of 5).

but whatever, right? i wouldnt want to continue with him anyway, after this.

so now all i have to figure out is if i want to go back next week to our last session. my exam is the following week, and it is just meant to focus on how i can study for it and attend. but a part of me thinks that i shouldn't go, because how can i even hope to pass next semester (when i'm taking on a bigger subject load) if i can't even do one measly exam by myself. and he has already taken me 90% of the way there, so it's not like i would be really struggling either. i dont want to go next week because that way it'll be at least a tiny amount of confidence that i can continue by myself.

but i'll probably end up going, just for the sake of not rocking the boat. if i cancelled he would want to know why, and i dont want to tell him the truth because he doesnt deserve my trust.

i guess the thing to be grateful for is that he's dumping me now, instead of in 6 months when i would have started to trust him properly. at the moment, i am beginning to trust him (and that is painful enough) but i haven't said anything that would give him any indication about who i am. so i guess that's something.

[ScaredSad]

Sounds very confusing. Sorry about all of this and I have no real words of wisdom... I just wanted to wish you well on your exam.

You might think he brought you 90% of the way through but you totally did it yourself... I promise. Unless you two had some super sneaky techno cheatery going on... which I doubt!

Please update us (or at least me via message) on how your exam goes. I have a soft spot for students as school was the most difficult experience of my life. I know how rough it can be for someone already struggling with other issues.

Good luck getting this resolved.

((((((((deli)))))))))

argh, austin-the-gay-pornstar-t is acting like a bit of a doofus. i'd be kinda annoyed with the guy. i don't know what i'd do so i don't really have any advice. is seeing if there is any way he could continue with you even on your radar or are you too mad to ask that? i'm sorry he's sent such mixed signals the last few weeks. can you talk to pdoc about this?

take care sweetie.

[ECHOES]

I think you need to speak with him about your differing versions of this.
It sounds like he has different ideas and I wonder if he is confused or unclear about how you want to proceed after the medicare-subsidized sessions ended.

I hope you will talk to him about this at your next session. You like him and want to see him. Let him know what you want

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by ScaredSad

You might think he brought you 90% of the way through but you totally did it yourself... I promise. Unless you two had some super sneaky techno cheatery going on... which I doubt!

this made me lol, thank you (((scaredsad))).

Please update us (or at least me via message) on how your exam goes. I have a soft spot for students as school was the most difficult experience of my life. I know how rough it can be for someone already struggling with other issues.

Good luck getting this resolved.

aww, thank you for caring. i will update when it's over, but please keep your fingers crossed for me until then . school used to be really good for me until the depression hit, so i get doubly upset because it feels like a real loss - something i used to do well, which i can do no longer.

Originally Posted by reflection

((((((((deli)))))))))

argh, austin-the-gay-pornstar-t is acting like a bit of a doofus. i'd be kinda annoyed with the guy. i don't know what i'd do so i don't really have any advice. is seeing if there is any way he could continue with you even on your radar or are you too mad to ask that? i'm sorry he's sent such mixed signals the last few weeks. can you talk to pdoc about this?

take care sweetie.

i'm not really mad with him, more upset with myself. if i had been a better client then he probably wouldn't have dropped me.

right now... it's not that i'm too mad to continue with him, but more that i dont know how much i would be able to trust him if he decided we could continue afterall. what's to say he won't change his mind again in a few weeks time?

i dont know if i'm allowed to talk about it with pdoc. i really want to. but Austin-T told me (2 weeks ago) not to tell pdoc he'd been promoted, and i don't know if pdoc knows by now or not. i dont break promises but i wish i could this once.

obviously, this is what you get for consulting a gay pornstar as a therapist. no more pornstar Ts for deli.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I think you need to speak with him about your differing versions of this.
It sounds like he has different ideas and I wonder if he is confused or unclear about how you want to proceed after the medicare-subsidized sessions ended.

I hope you will talk to him about this at your next session. You like him and want to see him. Let him know what you want

the thing is he has never asked me if i would like to continue, just told me each week a new story of what's happening. i think he may be worried that i cant afford to see him, but i wish he would let me make that decision for myself. on the other hand, though, he needs to drop clients so maybe i'm a convenient client to drop.

i know i should talk to him about it, and i wanted to this week (and last week, actually). but couldn't bring myself to on either occassion .

the problem is that i like him and want to see him but i dont think he likes me. he's told me before that i give nothing to the relationship, and that's just made me recede even further. i feel wary of 'giving' anything to him, like i somehow need to buy his continued support and approval. i just found out today that i had topped a subject at uni this semester, and i was also offered a 4 year scholarship (takes me through honours & masters!) but i didnt tell him any of this because i dont want him to change his mind on working with me because all of a sudden i'm someone worth working with. i know that the downside of not sharing is that it makes me someone really closed-off and difficult to work with. not that i dont talk when i get there... but i dont share very much about myself other than the absolute basics so he can help me through uni. not exactly a rewarding job. i've really ****ed this up .

[ScaredSad]

Of course fingers crossed for you! Toes too. Congrats on the scholarships you mention in your last post.

and wow, not to butt in, but to have your therapist tell you that you give nothing to the relationship... wow, that would shock me into submission too.

sounds sort of shady, too, that he wouldn't want you to mention the termination to your psychiatrist... I'd think that would be a primary concern for any transitioning client...

I don't want to judge him b/c I don't know the entire situation but I do know from 3rd grade that secrets don't keep friends... or whatever that saying was from playground days.

Termination and transition are confusing and risky and I hope that your T comes around and steps up with the support you need right now.

i'm not really mad with him, more upset with myself. if i had been a better client then he probably wouldn't have dropped me.

right now... it's not that i'm too mad to continue with him, but more that i dont know how much i would be able to trust him if he decided we could continue afterall. what's to say he won't change his mind again in a few weeks time?

ok, so i was feeling mad on your behalf then. :P you have done nothing wrong as a client!!!!!!! you are at where you're at and that is just fine. it's probably just that you're a newer client if anything. well, if you shared with him where you are at and made it clear you need him to be consistently there for you then i think there is a good chance he'd be consistent. but no pressure! it's your call girl.

i dont know if i'm allowed to talk about it with pdoc. i really want to. but Austin-T told me (2 weeks ago) not to tell pdoc he'd been promoted, and i don't know if pdoc knows by now or not. i dont break promises but i wish i could this once.

bummer about the confusion with not knowing whether or not to talk to pdoc.

obviously, this is what you get for consulting a gay pornstar as a therapist.

oh! congratulations on the scholarship! that is sooooooo cool. boy, do i know about depression messing up school. been there and still haven't got that one figured out yet.

[Brightheart]

Oh, that sounds so confusing! I can understand why you're feeling so down, but you sure didn't do anything wrong.

(((((((Deli)))))))

Originally Posted by deliquesce

the thing is he has never asked me if i would like to continue, just told me each week a new story of what's happening. i think he may be worried that i cant afford to see him, but i wish he would let me make that decision for myself.

the problem is that i like him and want to see him but i dont think he likes me. he's told me before that i give nothing to the relationship, and that's just made me recede even further. i feel wary of 'giving' anything to him, like i somehow need to buy his continued support and approval. i just found out today that i had topped a subject at uni this semester, and i was also offered a 4 year scholarship (takes me through honours & masters!) but i didnt tell him any of this because i dont want him to change his mind on working with me because all of a sudden i'm someone worth working with. i know that the downside of not sharing is that it makes me someone really closed-off and difficult to work with. not that i dont talk when i get there... but i dont share very much about myself other than the absolute basics so he can help me through uni. not exactly a rewarding job. i've really ****ed this up .

Deli....

Well, first of all ->

I wonder how much of this is a miscommunication between you and Austin-T?? Perhaps he assumes that once your funding runs out, you won't be able to see him anymore.

What if you went in (I know this is a scary concept) and said "Austin-T, I like you and I want to keep working with you. I am willing to pay for the sessions out of pocket, and work on giving more to the relationship". What are the possible outcomes? The awesome outcome would be Austin-T would happily keep you as a client. The yucky outcome would be Austin-T would say "sorry, no time with my new schedule" You are already dealing with the yucky outcome, so the only thing that can happen is that things will stay as they are or GET BETTER.

Can you take that risk??

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( deli )))))))))))))))))

[deliquesce]

ok, kids, here's the plan. i'm gonna steal all of you and take you to pdoc's with me tomorrow, so that you can group around me and let me hide in case Austin-T comes out for his smoke-o (as he usually does at 10am). it'll be like this but with me () hiding in the middle.

and when pdoc finally calls me in for the session, i'm gonna be all nonchalant and like "so, it's my last session with Austin-T next week" and pdoc will be all WTF!? and ask me how that happened. and i will say that i'm a bit confused because i've been getting mixed messages, but that it appears next week is our last proper session and that Austin-T will see me one more time afterwards for a debrief of sorts. i will not mention Austin-T's promotion, because this is the only bit he asked me to keep quiet (since it hasn't been officially announced yet).

and it'll be such shocking news that pdoc will not be able to concentrate for the rest of the session (which is good, because he won't be able to put the heat on me to follow up what we were talking about last week - score!) and the session will finish quite early.

and deli will leave to go on a pick-me-up shopping trip, and pdoc will frantically page Austin-T and lure him into the tea room under the false pretense of a secret-lover's-quickie and he will confront Austin-T there and they will have a big falling out (cups and saucers smashed everywhere) and Austin-T will lose his promotion (pdoc might lose his job) but Austin-T will then need more clients and re-offer deli a permanent spot.

pdoc losing his job will be ok, because he has a stockpile of prescription pads and all he really wants to do is go sailing around the world with Didier and Maximillius. deli will stow away also, but we'll keep this part quiet. actually, if deli stows away then Austin-T will also need to stow away to continue offering her therapy, and maybe then it'll be perfect for pdoc to discover an emaciated Austin-T hiding in the bowels of the ship and they will get over their lovers quarrel and **ck like bunnies ( while deli rocks gently back and forth trying to cover her ears) and deli and pdoc and austin-T will live happily ever after with the Dider & Max and deli's and pdoc's and Austin-T's respective dogs.

[deliquesce]

...and with my feet firmly back on the ground...

i think i'll mention something to pdoc tomorrow, and maybe decide what to do with Austin-T after that.

my gut feeling is that pdoc really will ask Austin-T what is happening, because pdoc gets really protective and tries to keep me safe (even when i ask him not to). e.g., when Austin-T told me i was giving nothing, pdoc offered to chat to Austin-T and tell him to back off. and it was sweet of him to offer, but i said no thank you because i could deal with this myself. but pdoc still managed to track Austin-T down (in the tea room ) and told Austin-T that i'm the client he has the most respect for in terms of the amount of effort i put in to getting better. pdoc didn't tell me he did this - Austin-T mentioned it a week later. i was really chuffed and pleased .

so undoubtedly pdoc will probably have a thing or two to say. i'm still uncertain about whether i even want to continue with Austin-T now, because i feel so rejected... but i'm gonna just try and sit with this and see how things develop.

please keep your fingers crossed that i dont cry while telling pdoc tomorrow. i really dont want anyone to know how hurt i am about this .

[Amazonmom]

At the last session I would ask him why the mixed messages. Might make him stop and think about what he has done to you. You don't string people along like that!!!!!

I wonder if Ts assume once the insurance runs out that we wouldn't be willing or able to pay so they terminate us.

At least Pdoc sounds like one of the best pdocs ever. I know you don't want to let anyone know how much this has hurt you, but letting some of that hurt out (even if its just one tear) might actually help you feel better. (This coming from a person who never never never admits when anything is wrong with her)

(((((((((((Deli))))))))))))

[peaches100]

Deli,

Does Austin T even know you want to continue therapy? You mentioned that you think he might believe you are unable to pay for private sessions without insurance. If so, that might be why he's proceeding toward termination. I would suggest you be straightforward with him. You could just tell him you believe you still have issues to work on, and you wonder how he'd feel about you continuing therapy with him and paying out of pocket. Hope it goes well!

[sunrise]

deli, I'm sorry. He is not being consistent at all.

Deli, I see some of the hallmarks of misunderstanding in what you reported. I got this sense from what you wrote that Austin-T thinks you would not want to continue therapy with him if you had to pay out of pocket. So he is ending your therapy because he cannot continue to see medicare only patients. You wrote here that you would be willing to be a private patient. Have you told him that? Does he know you could afford to pay? He may just have assumed that you wouldn't be able to continue due to the changing nature of his practice.

I think you should clear up between you what is what and tell him you could become a private patient (if that is indeed true), and that he had mentioned that option to you before, and you wonder if it is still available. Or has he changed his mind?

i think he may be worried that i cant afford to see him, but i wish he would let me make that decision for myself.

Exactly! Deli, you need to speak up if you can afford to see him. He has probably made a big assumption, perhaps based on his other medicare clients, who have said they cannot pay. (ETA: just read what treehouse wrote, and I agree completely. I do believe there is a very strong chance this is miscommunication. You wouldn't want to give up on this just because of a communication snafu, would you? You owe it to yourself to talk to him.)

(Offtopic, but I also think the therapy is yours, not his, and he shouldn't have a list of what he wants to discuss. You are the client; you get to decide.)

if i had been a better client then he probably wouldn't have dropped me.

Huh? Deli, there is nothing wrong with you! It sounds like you've taken a sincere interest in your therapy and tried hard. Those are both great qualities in a client.

P.S. Congrats on being at the top and receiving the 4 year scholarship!

[deliquesce]

thank you all you darling people .

i didnt tell pdoc today, we were too caught up in other stuff. so that's a bit of a bummer, because now i will have to face Austin-T alone next week. but i guess it's also good, because it means i get to take ownership of the outcome either way. even if i don't speak up - that'll still be an outcome based on me.

i... am not sure if Austin-T would even want me if i was willing to be a private client. he is obviously trying to cut back his load, and i happen to be someone who is new and who's medicare sessions are about to run out (just not really - i'm entitled to 18 sessions, but he's not following those last 6 up for me anymore? ). so i don't even know if paying privately would work, because if he was willing to keep me on it'd be nothing to him if the money came through medicare or out of my own pocket (the rate is the same either way, because under medicare i pay the difference).

i have a huge problem asking for things that i want. it took me almost 3 years before i could ask pdoc for an extra emergency session, even though i knew he would clear out his whole schedule at the drop of a hat if i asked him to. so even with the 100% certainty of knowing i could get what i want, i still found it difficult. with Austin-T, there isn't any certainty, and i'm scared and ashamed to ask.

right now, i am thinking... the exam coming up is the most important thing i need to focus on right now. i have an obsessive personality, and i cant afford to obsess about what to do with Austin-T. i am thinking maybe i should cancel next week's session, but i could go to the "exam follow up" session the week after. it would be good for me because that i would know that i did the exam based on my own motivation, and not because someone else helped to get me there. and also because i wouldn't need to have a yucky discussion just before the exam, because that is the sort of thing that would destabilise me anyway. i had been thinking of cancelling with pdoc next week (because we are in really heavy territory atm) but i might keep that option open in case i need to just touch base with someone.

if Austin-T is still interested in seeing me after the exam for the last session then i guess i can discuss things with him then (maybe, if i can muster up enough courage). but he also made it sound like... it was something inconvenient to do (he said we wouldn't book for it, he'd let me know if someone cancelled) so maybe he won't be interested after all. which i guess would be an answer in itself?

[sunrise]

i have a huge problem asking for things that i want.... i'm scared and ashamed to ask.

Is it easier to just give up on the relationship with Austin T than to ask? You would lose him forever vs. perhaps getting to continue with him. Isn't it worth the risk? It could be that Austin T doesn't know you value therapy with him so much and so thinks he is no great loss to you. You said elsewhere that your pdoc says you don't bring anything to the relationship--or something like that. Could it be you give Austin a similar impression and so he thinks you don't want or need to come see him? If you do value him and therapy with him, why not tell him? He might completely change his plan if he knew how helpful he was to you. I know it's really hard to ask people for things. I seem to have made a breakthrough on that this year, but I remember being sometimes frozen from asking, like it was a physical impossibility. It is not fun and not easy. But he is a good T, Deli, and I think he will handle your request very well, no matter what his answer.

Deli, there were times in couples therapy that my T had to actually say "repeat after me" to both me and my H--in different situations--so we could get the experience of saying certain things to each other. "Sunny, tell your H what you need." I begin shaking like a leaf--T has got to be f**king kidding. "Repeat after me." And then T would say the words 3-4 at a time, and I would repeat. How pathetic is that? I think that is supposed to be helpful because it is kind of like patterning. T showed me I could tell my H my needs and not die or be destroyed. Not trying to be melodramatic--that's how I felt. So I understand, Deli, I really do. I just really want you to go for it and take the chance that you can keep the Austin T therapy going--you deserve it!

[phoenix7]

ok Deli, im late to this post so congrats on scholarship grr to austin for being confused and hugs for pdoc being proctective .....phew!

Now when you see Austin T next time you need to ask him if he will see you for the extra 6 sessions and then as aa private patient after that ok

or

you can take the chicken7 approach - oops I mean Phoneix7 when I wanted to see if the T im seeing now would see me again after the initial sessions finished I wrote to him.... yes I know chicken - but it worked I got him to leave a yes or no answer on my answerphone and he said of course I want to help you

and I think Austing the porn star gay T (could his title get any longer! ) would do the same - maybe he thinks you are not keen... have you thought of that.

you are NOT a bad client - from what you have said it is clear that ATPST cares about you dear Deli - take a risk - ask or write....

P7 (p.s., happy to be part of the cuddle huddle if you still need it

[chaotic13]

(((Deli)) Your situation sounds very crazy. Maybe it is time to get rid of Austin-T and find someone who has a stable practice and who can commit to seeing you for a while.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Is it easier to just give up on the relationship with Austin T than to ask? You would lose him forever vs. perhaps getting to continue with him. Isn't it worth the risk? It could be that Austin T doesn't know you value therapy with him so much and so thinks he is no great loss to you. ...He might completely change his plan if he knew how helpful he was to you.

this is true... i think he doesnt know how much i value his input. but i'm also scared of telling him, because he feels almost needy in that regard. i am scared of entering into that sort of dynamic - where if i tell him something that meets his needs he will like me more, and if i fail to meet those needs that he starts confronting me or pushes me away altogether.

the other thing is... it sounds like he's already made up his mind about not continuing with me. so if he changes it, it'll mean it's at the expense of another client, or at the expense of his own time. i don't feel fair in asking for something like that.

and if he did say he would continue with me... there would be no guarantee that he wouldn't change his mind again by the next session, or 2 months down the track, or whenever. i feel really upset by this, losing the relationship is almost easier than trying to get it to continue. i dont want to cling to anyone who doesnt want me.

but thank you sunny for your reply. i do wish i had pdoc in session to give me a prod and say "repeat after me". pdoc keeps promising me he isnt leaving, so i guess i'll still have him.

im really angry at myself for wanting Austin-T but also now not wanting him. the mixed messages has just really messed me up. i was prepared to ask to continue the first time he said 'no more', but after he held out the carrot and took it away, it just feels like it's something personal about me that he is rejecting.

Originally Posted by phoenix7

you are NOT a bad client - from what you have said it is clear that ATPST cares about you dear Deli - take a risk - ask or write....

P7 (p.s., happy to be part of the cuddle huddle if you still need it

the problem is about me being vulnerable... i cant do it with him just yet. even writing a letter... i dont want to give him evidence like that that i still want him.

because i still will have to see him at pdoc's hospital every week anyway. he saw me yesterday when i was waiting for pdoc and tried to chat, but my guards were up so much. i think i will have to ask pdoc if we can go back to his old rooms instead of meeting at the hospital, because i cant keep running in to Austin-T like that because it hurts.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

(((Deli)) Your situation sounds very crazy. Maybe it is time to get rid of Austin-T and find someone who has a stable practice and who can commit to seeing you for a while.

but this termination comes on the back of my termination with my old-T at the beginning of the year. i just think maybe psychologists cant like deli or something. she isnt a good person and when she starts to trust them they like her even less and that's when they get rid of her. so no more new Ts, it'll just have to be me and pdoc. i just wonder why im such a bad person, and why pdoc wont tell me what im doing wrong, and why he can keep working with me still.

i cant believe what a mess i am right now. i might ask pdoc for an earlier session this week if i can. rejection has been such a huge theme in our work lately, it's almost perverse about the timing of this thing with Austin-T.

[chaotic13]

Deli, I don't think it has anything to do with you being a bad person. Unfortunately it is reality in the 21st century...people move and change jobs/careers frequently. When this happens it has nothing to do with being a good or bad patient.

-------
"The purpose of the agonies, of the dark nights of the soul, then became apparent-- they're so intolerable that their exquisite pain spurs one on to the extreme effort required to sermount them." (David R Hawkins)

[sunrise]

Deli, honey, I just want to give you a big hug . I wish I could give you a little shake and tell you not to think about all this stuff so much and jump to all the conclusions you are and make all the assumptions you are. Don't do that! You don't know what people are thinking or feeling. You are creating these scenarios about people's actions and motivations and using these fictions to dissuade yourself from trying to communicate directly with Austin T. Please, give direct communication a try!

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i'm also scared of telling him, because he feels almost needy in that regard. i am scared of entering into that sort of dynamic - where if i tell him something that meets his needs he will like me more, and if i fail to meet those needs that he starts confronting me or pushes me away altogether.

You do not know he is needy--that's an assumption, one of Deli's scenarios. Plus, you don't need to worry about his needs--you're the client. Let him take care of his own needs. T's are trained not to let this sort of thing about themselves enter into the therapy they provide.

the other thing is... it sounds like he's already made up his mind about not continuing with me. so if he changes it, it'll mean it's at the expense of another client, or at the expense of his own time. i don't feel fair in asking for something like that.

You don't know that at all. It's another scenario you've created. What is up to you is to tell him directly what you are thinking and feeling--he will handle whether he makes room in his schedule for you and he is a good guy, so he is not going to do anything "unfair".

and if he did say he would continue with me... there would be no guarantee that he wouldn't change his mind again by the next session, or 2 months down the track, or whenever. i feel really upset by this, losing the relationship is almost easier than trying to get it to continue. i dont want to cling to anyone who doesnt want me.

It is always true that our therapists could terminate at any time. THat's the risk with any relationship. You aren't clinging, Deli. You don't know he doesn't want you--another assumption.

im really angry at myself for wanting Austin-T but also now not wanting him. the mixed messages has just really messed me up.

Deli, I think you are allowing this to mess you up bigtime. Can you put the brakes on your worries and ruminations and tell yourself--"I will stop making assumptions and convincing myself I know what Austin T is thinking and feeling and instead I will talk to him directly in person and get answers to all my questions."

it just feels like it's something personal about me that he is rejecting.

Remember, that is your assumption, not what you have clarified with Austin T. Don't take that as fact. Tell him yourself how valuable therapy with him has been for you, tell him you can pay out of pocket for sessions after medicare is over, and ask him yourself if you can continue therapy with him. Deli, just do it. You will not die. If you don't tell him, you're going to lose him, sweetie. My T was always trying to get me to say things to my H after we were separated, make overtures, try to solve various problems between us. I remember one day being very frustrated with T's neverending suggestions, and saying to him, "why is it always me who has to take the first step, me who has to speak first, me who has to bring up these topics with H, me who has to propose solutions???? T said, "you have to do it because you are a leader. if you don't do it, it won't happen, and then you are no better off than now. So do it. You are the prow of the ship, now lead." That didn't make me feel better at all, but later I really warmed to T's vision of me. If I want something and won't lead, then who will? I have only myself to blame if I failed to lead and try to get what I want. Deli, Austin T does not know the full story or what is going on with you. It is up to you to tell him, to lead. Go for it!

I know I'm being very pushy, Deli, but I just don't want you to miss this chance.

((((((((((deli)))))))))

deli, you sound so much like me when i was in my 20s. i'm a girly girl too, but hey i took one of those fb quizzes and i only came up 50% girly so i am not totally far gone. there is nothing nada zip zilch wrong with you. that is just our way of maintaining some sense of control over why we end up getting, or feeling, rejected sometimes. i'm dealing with rejection issues too right now and boy are they painful. like you, i am so ridiculously independent. it just isn't healthy though. people are made to be interdependent - not codependent though. you've obviously been hurt badly by people but not everyone is like that. not everyone will ridicule or shame you if you let your guard down. i know it's hard to believe but it's true. there will always be jerks out there but there are lots of nice people too. you don't have to pretend things are not getting to you when they are. that's just being human and having a heart. if nothing got to you that would mean your heart has just dried up. i hereby give you permission to be a little vulnerable with austin-the-gay-pornstar-t. what, like he has any right to judge you when he's a gay pornstar masquerading as a t?!

[phoenix7]

deli Dear I really hope you march in and see Austin and say

"hey Austin the pornstar gay T you said you would get an extension of 6 more sessions and I feel I need that - so can you do that and then if Im not ok by then I would like to see you privately - ooh not that way privately Austin !!!! "

Seriously Deli, just say you said you'd find out if I can get the extra sessions - did you?

and take it from there......

you want to keep seeing him so dont cut yourself off from him ok

we all do the well I dont need him anyway thing... and he prob thinks im the neediest person inthe universe ( and by the way thats me ) and he doesnt care anyway its a way of protecting ourselves - so say to those voices - thank you for your concern but I AM GOING TO SORT THIS OUT! take me with you - I will sit in your pocket and singe his wig if he has any probs with keeping seeing you

do what YOU NEED to do - when my 12 are up I will have to face the same thing with my T .......eek!!!!! so if you do this I promise I will too ok.......