[rainbow8]

I'm never sure what missing my T is all about. It starts out with thinking about her, and then it gets into these physical/sexual feelings, sort of like what Melba was talking about in her thread. Not sexual, but maybe just intense. It just comes over me all of a sudden.

Once my T told me that missing her was not all about missing her. Some of it is, but some is missing the good feelings I get in therapy, and some is transference. It's like being in love, sort of--though I hate using that terminology.

All I know is that it's painful. Makes me think it IS time to schedule the session. She did say I could call her just to say I miss her, but I feel embarrassed (even though I've known her more than 6 years!) to tell her that. I think 3 months is the time span I can be comfortable with in between sessions, not 4. The last month is hard for me.

[cmac13]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm never sure what missing my T is all about. It starts out with thinking about her, and then it gets into these physical/sexual feelings, sort of like what Melba was talking about in her thread. Not sexual, but maybe just intense. It just comes over me all of a sudden.
I know the feeling all too well

All I know is that it's painful. Makes me think it IS time to schedule the session. She did say I could call her just to say I miss her, but I feel embarrassed (even though I've known her more than 6 years!) to tell her that. I think 3 months is the time span I can be comfortable with in between sessions, not 4. The last month is hard for me.

4 months! oh I don't know if I could manage - I might break down and have to call and leave the message. which would definitely be ok with my therapist. she is cool about phone calls...

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Once my T told me that missing her was not all about missing her. Some of it is, but some is missing the good feelings I get in therapy, and some is transference. It's like being in love, sort of--though I hate using that terminology.

I feel the same way, right now while my T is on vacation. That, and I'll just think of her for a minute and start smiling. I miss being with her, she makes me feel secure and loved. I don't think I'm feeling particularly bad about her vacation. I'm just really anticipating seeing her again on Tuesday

[fallenangel337]

I get a mixture of feelings. I tend to feel unsafe, unheard, misunderstood, and alone. That's thinking of specifically her absence.

However, when I think about T in general, it's usually something funny she did or said, something we've talked about in a session, or something positive to that effect. It's all really mixed up for me, so there's no telling what I'll be feeling from one second to the next.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Once my T told me that missing her was not all about missing her. Some of it is, but some is missing the good feelings I get in therapy, and some is transference. It's like being in love, sort of--though I hate using that terminology.

i miss pdoc at times (although not recently - see him often enough), and part of that is just because he's a really funny guy and i love how we relate. but then there's also the fact that i miss the "therapy" part of our relationship - being heard, validated, given a safe space, having someone believe in me - those things aren't specific to pdoc at all, i should expect to get them anywhere from ppl who love me. then there is also the transference bit (i'm ok with using that word for how i relate with pdoc, but as a rule i think it gets used too often, and that can really hurt). pdoc sometimes feels very fatherly to me, and i feel very safe and looked after with him. usually i miss that the most.

but i had a nice experience today where i saw pdoc after missing last week's session, and he was all "how have things been? it's been ages since i saw you last (lol, pdoc - 2 weeks!) and i've missed you". i thought that was really sweet. it means our relationship is as important to him as it is to me. and a part of that is probably because he likes me as a person, but also because i've been improving so much since april and it would make him feel really good/competent as a Dr and i think he's really enjoying where i'm at right now and having been a part of helping me get there.

[Brightheart]

I miss our deep discussions. I miss sparring with him. I remember one conversation we got into about why human beings do things to help others and was that all self-serving, altruism or some of both? I miss his company. I miss sitting with him in silence. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss his little sounds. I miss the glowy-eyed look that came over his face whenever he spoke about his child. Generally, I just miss being with him. I've heard the argument that the missing part has nothing to with the therapist but what we get out of being with the therapist. I think, again, the same could be said in all relationships if you wanted to think that way. I prefer to believe that the person behind the therapist ellicits those positive feelings because there is some kind of human connection between us. We enjoyed one another's company. I think we brought out some of the best in one another. The "in-love" part is weird for me because while I have all of the physiological sensations of romantic love, at its heart this thing is all about sweetness and purity. It's pretty special and I hold that in my heart.

As for how I actually feel when I miss him...it's yearning. I yearn for the conversations, for his smile, for his sparkly-eyed look, for his company. It's an aching kind of longing, melancholy feeling. It passes and then I again feel his presence in a positive way, but it still happens from time to time.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Once my T told me that missing her was not all about missing her. Some of it is, but some is missing the good feelings I get in therapy, and some is transference. It's like being in love, sort of--though I hate using that terminology.

We are all so different. It would be much easier for me to say I am in love than to dismiss my relationship by saying "it's transference." Also, your T may offer you her interpretation of what she thinks it means when you say "I miss you", but it isn't necessarily correct. Only you know. It is the responsibility of the client to tell the therapist if his/her interpretations are correct. You may truly be missing her, and it's OK to feel that way and it is OK to tell your T that her interpretation is not correct! You are the expert on your feelings and thoughts.

How do you feel when you miss T?

I feel an absence, like there is a piece missing from my life. A bit of an ache. Sometimes I don't realize how much I really missed him until I am back in his office, sitting down on his couch, and there he is before me. And I suddenly feel it most strongly then, like by contrast do I know it. I feel both him and "us" again. Sometimes at those moments he will say, "it's been a long time." I always like that, because it means he is feeling something too. I have got to the point where I can smile and say, "I missed you." (Rainbow, if at that moment, my T said "well, you really didn't miss me, you just missed the good feelings that come from being in therapy with me, plus part of it is transference," I think I would deck him one. That would be highly insensitive of him and deserving of a swift kick in the kazoo--as my mom liked to say.)

[rainbow8]

sunrise, I agree with you. It's not a black or white issue. My T told me it's okay to call her just to say I miss her. She knows, and I know that it's complicated--missing her. I know myself that it's not all about her. Therapy is a package deal. I miss her, the intimacy, my fantasy T, my real T, the attention, her office, her pillow, her bathroom, her voice, the safety I feel with her, the intensity...I could go on and on.

I agree it's an aching, yearning kind of feeling.

cmac, it's taken a long time to get to sessions "as needed" or every 4 months. We went from once a week to once every 2 weeks for about a year. Then to every 3 weeks, then once a month for at least 6 months. It was gradual, so not as painful as it sounds. I needed to wind down therapy, so I had a goal.

Indie, glad you're doing okay with your T on vacation.
Thanks, fallen angel and deli.

Bether, I agree because if my T weren't so nice, I wouldn't be getting and wanting more of what I want from her, if that makes any sense. It's because of my relationship with her that I miss more of the "good stuff". Yeah, the aching, yearning feeling--to me that's not so real because my T is just a regular woman, so why would I ache for her? That's where I think the transference comes in. Missing the good stuff with her does not produce aching, in my opinion. It's the other part, not realistic, that does. It's not a black or white issue--it's kind of cloudy grey!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yeah, the aching, yearning feeling--to me that's not so real because my T is just a regular woman, so why would I ache for her?

Ummm, because you have an intimate and close relationship with her? Because you have shared intensely private and painful things with her that you have not shared with other people before? Because she has been so helpful to you and cares about you? I think there are many reasons to "ache" for a therapist that are related to one's very real relationship with her. I know it may be different for you, but just thought I would say that there is nothing inconsistent with aching for and missing a "regular woman." If you are close to that "regular woman," then you may very well ache.

[chaotic13]

Sunny,
Your comments have me thinking...I have 2 close friends, if for some reason they moved away I wonder if I would "ache" for them? IDK, because before now I haven't had really close friends. Before when I lost a friend it was kind of like out of sight out of mind. I wonder if it will be like this with my T when I'm done or if I will really miss her.

[emilyjeanne]

I could never go without a session for a month. You have strength.

[sw628]

I sometimes feel angry at myself for missing T. Mostly because I'm not sure she misses me as much as I miss her. I find myself aching for t at times because she represents something that i've never had
1. A positive motherly figure
2. Unconditional support or for a better word "love".

[Lifsuks]

I can't imagine that moment when therapy is finally over. I cannot imagine knowing that one day I won't see him again. It's not a romantic thing, but that he is a BIG part of my life now, even tho' I only see him every week or every other week. He is the only one I can open up to. I cannot talk to family or friends. He is going on vacation next week and I won't see him for a couple of weeks and I already miss him, and I just had a session today! I don't want to seem needy so I didn't ask about calling him if I had to. He did tell me, when I first started t. w/ him a few months ago, that I could call him when I needed to, but I hesitate; I don't want to seem so pathetic! I don't want to chase him away! Just knowing that I will see him again is such a comfort, my security blanket, my "teddy bear" that I mentally cling to. My tho'ts are always on my next appt., but when it comes, it is over in an hour, but that's enough at that moment, and then I start to miss him again a few days later! Too dependent? Yes!....for now at least! Maybe I know I'm better if I can move on, but at this time......"don't leave me, Dr. XXXX!!!!

[Brightheart]

The number one symptom of grief is yearning. And yearning is something which is felt when you love someone and then they are gone from your lives. I've always seen my therapist as a genuine and flawed human being and those little quirks are some of what I miss the most. That's what I ache for the most...the familiar things...the glint in the eye, a knowing expression...his things. Of course I miss the closeness and the feelings too, but I also miss him...the person.

Hi Rainbow,

I have not seen the therapist I had worked with for over a year and a half for about three months now. She was placed on 'administrative leave' with no warning and no notice. I showed up for a session and was told she wasn't there that day and that was that. (I have been reassured by other trusted personal and professional colleagues of hers that this is not about any kind of unethical behaviour on her part, but is a matter of politics or 'philosophical differences' between her and the administration where she works)

So I have been missing her for three months, with no idea if or when my relationship with her will resume. And that feels like the centre of my universe has disappeared suddenly. When I allow myself to think about it, I have all the feelings of grieving a major loss. And many of those are quite physical. For the first few days it was literally hard for me to breathe. My body was caved in around my heart and I couldn't straighten up. Now, it is more of a constant dull heartache. I keep very busy so as not to spend all day feeling that. But still, I find myself scanning cars going by as I walk in case I might see her driving by. (That is embarrassing to admit...but it is true...)

I miss her differently than I would any friend or even family member, because the nature of my relationship with her was different than with them.

As sw628 so succinctly put it: "I find myself aching for t at times because she represents something that i've never had
1. A positive motherly figure
2. Unconditional support or for a better word "love"."

In my last session before she disappeared, I had actually found the courage to talk with my therapist about the fact that I missed her between sessions, especially if the gap was more than the usual one week. That turned out to be one if my best sessions with her ever. She was actually relieved that I had finally been willing to talk about my attachment to her.

Long story short, I think it is quite normal and even a good sign when we miss a therapist. It means we actually have something invested in that person, which in turn means that the relationship has great potential for us to do the work we are in therapy to do....

p.s. I continue to wait for word of my therapist, but in the meantime I have begun to see someone else, as I was getting pretty 'destabilized'.

[Brightheart]

For some reason the edit button isn't showing on my post. I wanted to add some more thoughts on this.

Rainbow:
Yeah, the aching, yearning feeling--to me that's not so real because my T is just a regular woman, so why would I ache for her?

Ugh. I can't seem to get rid of the italics. Oh well. Rainbow is a friend, but friends can disagree on things sometimes. I have been thinking about this and we have very different views here. I honestly think that the "regular woman" part would be exactly why you would ache for her. Growing to love someone...in whatever sense you might love them...to me is about familiarity and recognizing that person for who they are. That means acceptance and appreciation of faults as well as attributes. It means the imperfections may be as endearing as anything positive because it is a part of the whole person. Therapists may only reveal parts of themselves to their clients, but they can't hide the outward things that make them who they are. There is beauty in every small revelation of the self. My T always took in an extra breath when he was about to make an important point to me. After a time, I began to recognize this. It's a piece of his puzzle and one that I grew to appreciate as a small part of him. To me, loving is about knowing, recognizing, understanding and appreciating who someone is...no matter who they are. It isn't always about who they are (characteristic traits and whatnot) but it's also about becoming aware of them as a person. That's how we grow to love our children. Small revelations of the self that we are there to witness unraveling before us. It's pure and beautiful. And that is love to me. It's... I want to know you...no matter who you are. It's beauty in life and it's often non-verbal. This gentle awareness of someone else can be quite profound. That's the way I love my T. I can't deny it's partly transference, but it also has to do with who he is as a person.

Anyone who has lost a loved one due to death yearns for their presence. They ache for that person's light...the little things about them that shine on who they are. So one may miss the crooked smiles, the stuttered words, the misplaced hairs on someone's head, the loud laugh...as much as they might miss the beautiful smile and the tender voice. "Regular" is beautiful when it's that person's regular and we know it as that person's "regular". "Regular" is what makes us human, what makes us unique...it's what makes us who we are...and that's a beautiful thing. So at times, I long and yearn and ache for my T's "regularness". It was always about simple love. It was very pretty and it still is.

[(JD)]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

sunrise, I agree with you. It's not a black or white issue. My T told me it's okay to call her just to say I miss her. She knows, and I know that it's complicated--missing her. I know myself that it's not all about her. Therapy is a package deal. I miss her, the intimacy, my fantasy T, my real T, the attention, her office, her pillow, her bathroom, her voice, the safety I feel with her, the intensity...I could go on and on.

I agree it's an aching, yearning kind of feeling.

cmac, it's taken a long time to get to sessions "as needed" or every 4 months. We went from once a week to once every 2 weeks for about a year. Then to every 3 weeks, then once a month for at least 6 months. It was gradual, so not as painful as it sounds. I needed to wind down therapy, so I had a goal.

Indie, glad you're doing okay with your T on vacation.
Thanks, fallen angel and deli.

Bether, I agree because if my T weren't so nice, I wouldn't be getting and wanting more of what I want from her, if that makes any sense. It's because of my relationship with her that I miss more of the "good stuff". Yeah, the aching, yearning feeling--to me that's not so real because my T is just a regular woman, so why would I ache for her? That's where I think the transference comes in. Missing the good stuff with her does not produce aching, in my opinion. It's the other part, not realistic, that does. It's not a black or white issue--it's kind of cloudy grey!

rainbow8, imo you expressed your therapy relationship quite well, and very grey. It isn't black and white, "you're the patient, she's the therapist" type relationship. I do think that until she truly does become "just another woman that you trust" you might need to stay in therapy. When you can live without thinking all these things, then you probably can handle all the day to day issues in your life. TC

[Brightheart]

Part of my problem has been being so fascinated by the client-therapist relationship itself, so I can't help being introspective about just about everything. It's so interesting! I think sometimes that my sappy inner voice turns people off, though. I basically poured my heart out in the above post. The sentimental thoughts are just me. And since therapy it's much easier for me to be just me. It's a complicated relationship and definitely not black and white. I'm probably the only client on the planet who has ever felt something akin to maternal love for their therapist.

I'm glad you're finding your way, Rainbow.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Bether91068

I'm probably the only client on the planet who has ever felt something akin to maternal love for their therapist.

I have felt maternal toward my therapist sometimes. He can be very boyish at times, and sometimes I feel toward him as a mom might feel toward a wayward boy, or one who gets caught up in "high-jinks" from time to time. I don't know if that's maternal love, but I do think it is maternal fondness. I never had a son, so this is kind of fun, to know a male at this level. My XH did not have that boyish, fun quality. I like it!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Bether91068

I think sometimes that my sappy inner voice turns people off, though.

No, I like it!

[Brightheart]

Yep. If I were to compare the feelings to anything I've felt before it is most like maternal love. I adore him in that way. I think that is my pattern of loving, though. I think maybe the feelings were so positive in such an intense way that the biological wheels just started spinning. Dopamine and such...We're close in age. The feelings have always been all about sweetness. I like them. They feel unconditional and accepting, enduring.

Anyhow, it's good to know I'm not the only one who has felt a twinge of maternal feelings toward their T.

Sorry I'm O/T, Rainbow.

[rainbow8]

Wow! Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful responses to me, and for posting what missing your T means to you.

ripley: I think you are managing well under the circumstances of dealing with what could be called a "therapy nightmare". You were with your T a long time, and were starting to discuss your attachment to her. Then she disappeared. I bet that she thinks about you even though she has not contacted you. I bet she wonders how you are doing and is sorry that she left in the way she did. I think that you WILL hear from her again. In the meantime, I'm glad you are seeing someone else. Thanks so much for posting to me.

Bether: I understand what you are saying about aching for the "regular person" as I put it--the person with flaws and all. I think what you shared with your T is beautiful, and the way you express your feelings is beautiful too. But I have a problem with feeling those feelings for my T. I don't want to love her and ache for her. I want HER to love me. I like her as a person and as my T, but I don't think I love her. The yearning part is for what she isn't, not what she is. I don't want to miss her too much because I've already gone through that while I was cutting down my sessions. I want it to be like you feel about your T. You miss him but you don't have to act on your feelings. I don't feel maternal; I feel like a child when I get those yearnings.

Sky: I THINK I understand what you're saying, though I'm not exactly sure. I'm still obsessing about my T if I don't see her as "just another woman I can trust." But, in my case going back into regular therapy would trigger my obsession. I'm doing well at "letting go" and putting her into the proper perspective as my T and NOT as some fantasy figure. I know I'm getting there, slowly like a turtle, but I'm definitely moving on. Thank you for responding to me!

[Brightheart]

I think I understand better now what you meant. Maybe it's the difference between "wanting" and "appreciating". You can know it's there and value its beauty without possessing it.

Maybe Sky meant that we need to accept that our therapists are human beings too...just like us.

Therapists have weaknesses and strengths too. They have fears and doubts. They make mistakes. They can't always meet our needs. And we shouldn't always expect them to. They may help show us the way, but eventually we have to take the steps on our own. Once we recognize our Ts as human, then we'll know they can't ever be "super-human". It still can be a very special connection. We just have to keep perspective and accept its limitations and eventual finality. Something like that...