Wanting T to save me

I am so scared and stuck and frustrated right now, and just at the point where I want T to rescue me. I know that isn't possible (especially because I have such a hard time asking for what I need, or even knowing what I need) or her role, but I don't know what else to do.

Do others feel this way? Out of control and scared and wanting their T to jump in and stop the cycle? I know this isn't fair of me to want, because the only person who can change anything is me, but at times it feels like the only hope.

I've talked with her about this before, not wanting to ask for help but at the same time needing it, but I feel like this is slightly different. How far can T's go to help? What is appropriate and what isn't? I know boundaries depend on the situation and relationship, but I'm curious as to the experience of others.

I understand where you're coming from. It kind of goes back to the imbalance of power idea, for me. I tend to feel like T has 'got it together' and is more composed and healthy than me. He probably is! But in my mind, I think that means he can help me better than I can help myself.

I have a hard time understanding that he can help me help myself.

I also want my improvement to be really clear. I want to say, "Oh, suddenly I see the difference! I feel so much better now!" but healing doesn't really work that way. Which makes it very hard for me to see the progress I *am* making.

When you have this idea of T saving you, what does it entail? That might help you figure out what you really need.

Soccerball,
I can understand what you are saying. For me, I think it's more of wanting mental release, I can't handle the sadness ect....I think of my T and her family, and wish I could have what they have in a sense (though I know the reality is they have their issues as well). Still her kids will never have to experience what I have because they have a good home and loving parents. Thats what saddens me the most, my history, that I can't change it, that I missed out on so much because of it, and that I am still dealing with the after effects.

It can be very lonely because I am so afraid to trust, therefore, I only allow myself to get so close to people. I am not married, nor do I have any children. I recently lost my mom, and my dad totally left the picture after my mom passed. This lonliness is becoming too much for me and is effecting me more than ever. I am having trouble even letting my T in because I know the reality is that she can't save me. I'm afraid of even allowing that closeness because that too will end.....hence the cycle continues.....and I want out of this cycle.....I just want to be happy.....

Can you explain more of what you are feeling in reference to it?

Hangingon, sending you . I wish I had more wisdom for you, but I can tell you I have faith that you will not be unhappy and or lonely forever...

What you said about wanting mental release is part of it...I often feel as though I am going to burst with all the sadness and mess inside of me, and that I have no way to lighten the load. I know that is what my T is there for, but it is still so hard for me to get used to "dumping" things on others...I feel guilty...

Has anyone read the book The Giver? It is about a future society in which all memories, good and bad, are erased from the population. It is the job of one person to keep all of the memories so that they aren't lost, and of course it is extremely painful. This kind of explains how I feel in my relationship with T-she has to hold all of my negativity. I realize that that is part of her job, and that she doesn't really hold it in the sense that I do because she probably thinks about it only during my sessions, but still...

Wanting release is only part of it, though...when I want her to save me, I want her to make me stop behaviors that aren't helpful. The logical part of me knows she can't do this...she is amazing at offering support and strategies, but when it comes down to it only I can make the necessary changes. This is what scares me the most. Maybe it's just I'm unwilling to do the work, the hard stuff that goes along with it? I just want someone to swoop in and rescue me from myself.

Soccerball,
Thanks for your words.....hopefully one day!

So is it that you feel you just don't trust yourself, and feel the need to hand that control over to someone ????

My situation was a bit different but I still relate to what you are saying. After my onset of PTSD I became emotionally dependent on my psychiatrist. I finally told her that I felt dependent but she disregarded it and never wanted to discuss it or how to deal with it. I don't think that was good practice. My therapist once told me that she thought my psychiatrist had actually promoted my dependency. I did learn that I wasn't really dependent after all or if I had been I got over it.

In a different sort of way I used to want somebody to save me. I was in my early twenties and dropped out of school because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and had low self esteem at that time. I wanted to find a boyfriend to marry me and rescue me from the responsibility of determining my own life's goals.

If you feel comfortable perhaps you can discuss your feelings with your therapist. If she is responsible she will help you learn to deal with your feelings and encourage and support you.

((((((((((((((soccerball))))))))))))))))

I wrote a LONG reply and lost it. Ack!

So, instead I will ask a question. Do you know what it is you want from your T? What does saving you look like?

And to answer your question, I have absolutely felt that way. And I've told T that I felt that way. I DO want him to save me, to make my past go away, to give me a break from everything, including myself. And he can't, and it's hard.

But slowly, slowly, slowly, by allowing myself to open up to him, and by trusting the process, I think I am starting to save myself. I wish there were a quick fix, but for me, there isn't one. Healing is hard work...but it's worth it, and YOU are worth it soccerball.

Lots of to you.

My experience with this exact same issue was that growing up I was in a very powerless position, I'd learnt to become helpless to a degree....I too wanted to be saved. What I've found is that theres a different way that T's saving us comes about...I have flashbacks in therapy and when I am back in time I can mentally put T there into the old picture....this changes the intense aloneness of my traumas...also T sits with me when I am experiencing very powerful fears and in the beginning I wanted to attack her for not stopping the fears, but whats shes done has become a presence, so its not that she has taken the awful fears away, its that I am becoming stronger and bear them more....these are the ways I've found T saves me when actually us doing what we need to do to heal ourselfs with the T's presence...so it can be done and is a natural part of recovery.

I don't usually feel like I want to be rescued..at least not directly. However I do often feel like things I want others to do for me are childish or flat out wrong- against my self reliance ideal. Lately instead of just calling myself stupid for thinking or wanting these things, I've started to look into them to see if they are telling me something about what I need to do for myself.

Maybe you could look at what it is you seem to want your T to do and then see if you can explore ways to rescue yourself. I'm not suggesting that you hug yourself of stuff like that, but maybe you can listen to what you need/want and then find an alternative way to get it.

A few days ago I was feeling really down and wanted to talk to someone about the noise running in my head. My T was the first person I thought of, but instead I called a friend who was facing some difficult of her own. Although I didn't talk about my stuff, I was able to forget it for a while and be there for someone else. I think what I really need was to just connect with someone..not necessarily discuss my crap.

It doesn't always work but I get lucky sometimes. :-)

Soccerball- I uunderstand you. I often feel out of control and not even sure what my feelings are and not clear. And scared and alone. Its in those moments tha I want to be rescued. Not in the clear moments when I feel I can do the work.

Its frightening. That feeling that your t is the only one who can jump in and stop the cycle. There is so much wisdom here in what everyone said to you....As far as what is appropriate for a t to do and what to ask for I think you can ask for the moon and see what she says. There are times when my t has really carried the ball for me when I need rescuing and she has been there to do it. If she feels I can do it and Ive asked for too much she has NO trouble setting a boundry. Im glad you have talked about this issue with her. And the particular boundries defininitely depend on the therapist. T's can go very far in carrying a patient depending on what they know about the patient and they can set firm boundries depending on what they think someone needs.

If you are really in trouble Soccerball, I have a feeling your t will give you as much support as you need to make you feel safe. Would that be enough? I have left a session feeling rescued from the horrible feelings I have come in with.

Sadly, she cannot rescue me from my past and the pain I have to go through. That is the kind of rescuing that cant come from anybody or anything. If only it could.....

C13 - I think this is hugely important!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good job!!!!!!

EXCELLENT!!!