Couldnt do it

I cancelled my friend's t this morning. I felt badly that it was a couple of hours before the appt. I was getting ready to go and got up early to get my kids off to school. My 2 yo was still sleeping. I was ready to get her up to get her to school and go to my appointment. I just couldnt do it. I couldnt talk about everything again today. The trauma stuff- even if I wasnt going into detail. My ED. And my t. I just felt not strong enough. I wish so much that I was stronger and could go and check out these t's and talk and talk. And then evaluate them. I am disappointed in myself.

I feel like I dont have a strong enough center and I cant shut off powerful feelings. And then I get overwhelmed and cant do anything. The t doesnt know me and I will leave there and have to process my feelings once again. Instead I got back into bed (h drove my other kids to school) and snuggled up to my baby. I SO did NOT want her to be in school today. I need her little self. She is so young to be away from me. Maybe it triggers something in me to leave her there (even though its only from 9:30- 1). I was certainly repeatedly abandoned by my mother. Eventually we got up and did chores today.

I have not thought much about whether I will make another appt with my friends t. I have another appt with flat tire t the week after next (oct 5). I dont mind processing for another week. And I dont want to see my t until I have another couple of appts with ft t.

I will write things down tonight and see what comes up.

(((BlueMoon)))

It may surprise you if I tell you I think you are doing an outstanding job!

(((((((((((((((bluemoon)))))))))))))))))

Can I reframe for you?? (I'll assume the answer is yes )

You have worked so hard making the really difficult decision to start looking for another T...no matter how good or bad our T is, leaving is still a HUGE DEAL. You thought about it and researched it. You stuck it out when it seemed like the appointments would never work out. You went to FTT and were honest and open, even though it was really hard to talk about the things you talked about. You left yourself open to all of the possibilities...continuing with FTT, making another appointment with your T, seeing your friend's T...when it's so much easier to do a black/white thing and just make a decision.

You woke up this morning and went with your gut. Yesterday was hard, and you don't NEED to do it again today. FTT sounds like a good match, and you already have another appointment with her. You have the awesome, awesome gift of a sleepy 2 year old (you and I know how short-lived that sweet little time is!) and you gave you AND HER the gift of time together, just loving and being loved.

You've done amazing things, and it's okay to let yourself REST now. I tend to push and push and push and push myself, and sometimes T will tell me to "just float". Stop working, and pushing, and thinking. Just be.

Now is your time to just "be". You have a break from desk T. You have an appointment lined up with FTT. Snuggle with your kids, bake cookies, listen to music, journal, enjoy the fall colors (if you have them where you are!), read a good book...you deserve a ton of rest and love and self-care after a job well done.

Instead of being disappointed in yourself, look at everything you've done. You are amazing. Give yourself a big hug and know that you deserve it

me too!! (((((((((((((((((((blue)))))))))))))))))))

you're dealing with a lot so i think taking things a bit slower is just fine.

what Tree said!!! YES all the way.

Wow pachy, Tree, Bloom and SAWE. I really thought I was majorly screwing up here. OK- I think you are right. I have taken on a lot. Thanks for the re-framing tree. I cannot believe I am leaving her. I dont think I would have been able to consider this if she hadnt gone away on vaction. It gave me time to think. Im glad you said I didnt need to do it again....I also push and push myself, especially if I planned on doing it and i was curious about how she would have been and what kind of t. so- I "floated" today and enjoyed my little sweetness. She will be in school tomorrow- it is enough for the week.

I will just see ftt on oct 5th and leave it at that. WAIT! I have an appt on monday with vacaton t! This is actually the one I was going to cancel. She seems like more of a short term t. And her website has a lot about life coaching (I dont exactly know what that is..but it sounds more superficial than what I am looking for).

I love your suggestions, Tree! We will bake cookies, listen to music, listen to my kids play music , journal, and the fall colors here are BEAUTIFUL! Floating sounds like something I can try- try to just "be".

Deep breath..........

(Blue)

I agree with lots here. I do not know how you possibly could keep track of all these different T's and appointments, etc.

Trust yourself and your knowing. As Tree said, FTT sounds like a fit. You felt GOOD in her office. Go with it.

(((((((blue))))))))

Bluemoon, I really admire how you are juggling all this and keeping your options open!

Thanks Miss C and Echoes. I think I have overestimated what I can do- at least emotionally. I deny how fragile I feel and just wish I was stronger so I attempt to tackle a lot. And then I cant. I should have known my limitations with this. I feel badly about cancelling on my friends t at the last minute. And I have a feeling I will cancel vacation t on monday. It is scary trusting my own knowing. If I had, I would not have made all these appts. It takes silence and listening to myself to trust my knowing. Id like to get to know that place better.

Youre right- I felt good with ftt- she was real good and knew what she was talking about. And she heard me and knew when I was overwhelmed even when I didnt.

I journaled a little bit tonight and I wrote down some things I would want from my therapy with her. Gentleness, to be heard, and I want to talk about how I handle talking about thngs that are hard for me. There is a thread somewhere here about creating a safe space in therapy. I like this room and I like ftt. I feel safe there, but it doesnt yet have that "therapy space" feel for me. I would like this space, with ftt, to be a safe place for me.

(((((BlueMoon))))),

After reading how you feel, I also agree with Tree and everyone else. I think you should be proud of yourself. Yeah, 2 year olds are so nice and snuggly, aren't they?

See, I told you that you would be able to know what is right for you.
My T calls herself a life coach, but she let me stay for 6 years because she is flexible and eclectic. I don't think you want who calls herself a coach, though. So, to quote my T: "it's all good!"

Thanks, Rainbow....Youre all good, too

Yeah- the life coach thing sounded interesting, but as my friend poiinted out when she looked at the website, there wasnt anything on there that sounded like ED or trauma. Not sure if I will cancel her, but if I do I want to decide by tomorrow or friday. I'll feel worse if I do a last minute thing.

I have learned so much from ftt already. And what she has said is on my mind since I saw her.

my t is both a therapist and a master life coach.

BlueMoon - this is excellent work. Good job!!

Thanks Pachy and SAWE!
Bloom- is she a trained life coach? Vacation t has a whole website about life coaching and that she is a therapist and life coach. I didnt cancel her yet! LOL!

I really think I asked this question once before on this board, but what exactly is a life coach? How does it differ from therapy?

I don't think that life coaches get deeply into issues???? BM, I also agree with everyone that you made the right decisions for yourself! I never interviewed a bunch of T's first. I "found" a T and stayed with them until I wrapped things up for that time or needed a better T and then just "found" another! If I find something that works for that moment I go with it..........

yes, my t is trained in coaching. that's why i joke about the "master" part. i think coaching is more about setting goals and working toward them in an intentional way. they help you break things down into manageable steps to get where you want. it is more focused on the present than the past and is more positive in orientation rather than focusing on the negatives in one's life. i think combining that with therapy can be good. we're not really doing coaching now because i can't due to my health but when i did it in the past i found it helpful.

((((Blooms Health)))))) I am hoping you are feeling well soon......

My goals are not so immediate. Maybe the only immediate goal would be ED related. But my goals are more vague- like being more present during my day. And being more present for my kids. And my relationship with my h to be less black/white (from my point of view). And my thinking be less black/white. Regulating my emotions. Dealing with triggers. These dont really sound like life-coaching issues. Or maybe those goals are too negative?

not negative at all .

i think life coaching is usually aimed at ppl who are coping fairly well with life, but who are dissatisfied in some way and need to work towards something. i know about it a lot in terms of corporate coaching, but it can also be applied to areas like health psychology (where you want to develop a healthy life style e.g., eating nutritious foods, exercising etc). it is a somewhat more superficial form of therapy (and i wouldn't really call it that) - it's more that motivational style of "you can do it!" and "go go go!", whilst identifying barriers that prevent you from achieving what you would like to etc.

it is based very strongly on the positive psychology movement and its philosophy is one of life enhancement. it is usually not a long term thing - you may take a few sessions to identify and work out goals, learn skills to help you get there (time & resource management), but then you have a timeline of when you'd like to achieve them, and you just work towards them and deal with issues that crop up along the way. it is less about emotional regulation and more about achievement so, e.g., i use it a lot in terms of working towards my uni degree but i still need a "deeper" form of therapy to address my long term issues of depression, interpersonal concerns.

i think it can be a lot of fun for the therapist who provides this service because it is a challenge but the results are usually fairly immediate/short term and it is generally a very feel good sort of enterprise.

Deli thanks for this~!! - it helps me understand what's happening with my own case.

Im glad it doesnt seem negative. I often think I should have more specific goals....weigh this amount, do this and this with my kids, tell my h this and that, believe in myself (whatever that means!), organize x, y, and z. But my goals are really deeper issues. And that is where I am at. I guess I cant get to the more superficial goals until I am at least more present and coping better on a daily basis.

My t would love it if that was the kind of therapy I needed. I really do believe she is trying to make light of my difficulties and tell me I am coping well b/c she sees me as just needing some cheerleading. Borderline cheerleading! She often talked to me about healthy eating, exercising, getting organized in my house, discipline with my kids etc...it all seemed way too.....not the issue. The more immediate concern was being present and being able to eat! And she talked to me about doing better with the kids bedtimes! UGH!

Of course, this seems short term. Its fine if its together with therapy for deeper issues.

LOL! I guess you feel good if you are then cured

This life coach definition explains why my T said she usually does short term therapy. Yet she accepted me, BPD diagnosis and all. It does sound like the way she does therapy: focusing on goals, positive changes in my life, being a cheerleader for those changes, and reinforcing her belief that I could do it!

In my case, the relationship with her was more important than her orientation, so her coaching took a different form and lasted for 6 years! I'm glad she was flexible. Sorry I know I'm repeating myself in this thread (maybe to reassure myself?) but I want to make the point that sometimes labeling a T is not accurate. My T also said she was intuitive, and is fluid, not rigid with regard to treatment.

I know, we have talked about the similarities between our ts. But your t is much more flexible and it seems like she has more tools in her toolbox. My t doesnt want to come out from behind her barrier and do the kind of therapy I need. Her way or the highway. But I miss her anyway I like that your t says she is intuitive and fluid. That is a strength of hers.

BM sounds like your decison to cancel and just be with your daughter for the day was a good one. My T old me once that in caring for my children I am caring for myself and that is how healing often occurs.

I so agree. It does feel that way when I care for them. When I snuggle and love my 2 1/2 yo daughter, I am able to feel some kind of positive feeling toward myself. I gave birth to her, she was/is part of me and when I look at her I see all the hope I wish I had had for myself. It feels very very healing. I am glad now that I cancelled to be with her. I can always re-schedule if I want to.