My session this week we were talking about the anger I feel about my ex-T. and how to express that. I say I feel rage, but you can't see it, I don't show it, you read about it in my poems, but why can't I let it go verbally? Showing anger is something I learned to repress as a child for if I showed it, I would get hurt even more or die like my brother because he didn't hide the anger. Not showing my emotions probably saved me from a lot of abuse.

I think part of it is that I don't want to yell because others around in other offices will hear. It is hard to let go if I know others will be listening or certainly hear it. I would feel very self conscience, kinda like crying too.

I think the other part of it is hearing anger never feels safe to me. I don't think even hearing myself being angry doesn't feel safe either.

How do the rest of you express anger in the T's office? Do any of you yell or cry loudly? Do any of you feel like you have to be reserved because you are within earshot of many people?

[googley]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

My session this week we were talking about the anger I feel about my ex-T. and how to express that. I say I feel rage, but you can't see it, I don't show it, you read about it in my poems, but why can't I let it go verbally? Showing anger is something I learned to repress as a child for if I showed it, I would get hurt even more or die like my brother because he didn't hide the anger. Not showing my emotions probably saved me from a lot of abuse.

I think part of it is that I don't want to yell because others around in other offices will hear. It is hard to let go if I know others will be listening or certainly hear it. I would feel very self conscience, kinda like crying too.

I think the other part of it is hearing anger never feels safe to me. I don't think even hearing myself being angry doesn't feel safe either.

How do the rest of you express anger in the T's office? Do any of you yell or cry loudly? Do any of you feel like you have to be reserved because you are within earshot of many people?

Exotic-
I also have trouble expressing anger (in and outside of T). I have only expressed anger maybe twice in T so far. Both times I was really angry. One time I calmly swore. The other time I blew up at my T (totally out of the blue in reaction to something she said). I don't remember what exactly happened, but I think I rose my voice a little bit and said something. (I never knew what exactly). I clenched my hands and pounded them on the chair. While it was a stressful experience, it was also healing in that I was able to learn that I wasn't going to lose control and I would come back to myself even when I was really really angry. My T was actually happy and smiled. While she wasn't trying to make me angry and felt bad about saying what she had said, she was happy that I was able to express my anger. We repaired the rupture and I was able to learn a lot from it.

As for the noise, I didn't have to worry about it with that T, as I was the only one in the small office being seen at that time. But I do think it would inhibit me from being really loud. As for crying I spent a lot of time as a kid teaching myself to cry silently so sound isn't an issue.

Have you talked to your T about expressing anger? We were able to talk about it and it made me feel safer with being angry.

[deliquesce]

interesting question!!! i've been thinking about this a lot & how to respond. given that i'm no expert when it comes to this, i hope no one reads my post and subsequently feels bad about how they do/want to express their anger.

ok. jmo, but i think feeling anger is a good thing, and expressing it is ok also, but that there are many ways to express anger and some are better than others. i don't like it when people rage and scream. maybe that's my own issue coming out, but i think i would be tempted to not put it down merely to that. i simply think there are better ways of working through anger than having to be that... aggressive?

having said that, i do swear quite a bit in therapy. i can feel anger and that is how i express it. not ideal, but better than more aggressive forms of acting out. i guess it depends on whom the anger is directed towards. if it is just someone i am talking about, then i can swear about that "dad is a bit of a bastard at times" and that is enough to diffuse things for me. i find it difficult to express anger towards pdoc or T, though. i tend to shut down and just sit there feeling it, without talking. i dont trust myself to be rational during those moments, and i dont want to say something that isn't fair or warranted.

[chaotic13]

I have yet to express anger in therapy. I know a lot of my childood issues where linked to pent up rage, but so far I have not felt this anger directly. I did have an out of therapy anger outburst recently. Someone triggered me I had a quick flash but luckly I didn't let loose too bad.

Originally Posted by googley

Exotic-
While it was a stressful experience, it was also healing in that I was able to learn that I wasn't going to lose control and I would come back to myself even when I was really really angry.

I think that is one of my fears, that somehow I would explode or lose myself. But what I am just wondering, I think it just occurred to me that I have this same fear in expressing grief too. Makes me wonder how they are connected...

As for the noise, I didn't have to worry about it with that T, as I was the only one in the small office being seen at that time. But I do think it would inhibit me from being really loud. As for crying I spent a lot of time as a kid teaching myself to cry silently so sound isn't an issue.

Learning to cry silently, that just breaks my heart that you had to do that as a child.

Have you talked to your T about expressing anger? We were able to talk about it and it made me feel safer with being angry.

Yup this is the topic of this week since I am seeing her twice this week,which is very rare, but she is off next week. I asked her if she could handle my anger if it really came out, but what I think I was really asking was can "I" handle my anger. But what is weird I am not sure I know how to express anger other than through my writing. (which she said is a good form, I used to play my trumpet as loud as a I could as a child so I couldn't hear the stuff happening to my brother. She said that was a healthy way.

The thing we talked about before was that since emotions were not allowed in my house, especially anger, I never learned how to express it. I have to learn how to do that and learn all the other emotions too. It is weird that I have been able to teach my kids this stuff, but I am just afraid of letting out my anger. I told my T it is as big as the universe, can she handle that? She said yes, I have seen lots of angry people in her practice and she will be okay.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

interesting question!!! i've been thinking about this a lot & how to respond. given that i'm no expert when it comes to this, i hope no one reads my post and subsequently feels bad about how they do/want to express their anger.

No judgments from me! I don't know either.

ok. jmo, but i think feeling anger is a good thing, and expressing it is ok also, but that there are many ways to express anger and some are better than others. i don't like it when people rage and scream. maybe that's my own issue coming out, but i think i would be tempted to not put it down merely to that. i simply think there are better ways of working through anger than having to be that... aggressive?

I think the anger I feel is really deep sadness and grief. Maybe I just need a good cry instead? I have a cold right now and have lost most of my voice so I know I won't be able to yell. (maybe that is a good thing!) Maybe I should bring in my trumpet and blow the heck out of it. That used to feel good, such a great release! The whole block will hear me and my T will go deaf, but at least I would be able to release it.

having said that, i do swear quite a bit in therapy. i can feel anger and that is how i express it. not ideal, but better than more aggressive forms of acting out. i guess it depends on whom the anger is directed towards. if it is just someone i am talking about, then i can swear about that "dad is a bit of a bastard at times" and that is enough to diffuse things for me. i find it difficult to express anger towards pdoc or T, though. i tend to shut down and just sit there feeling it, without talking. i dont trust myself to be rational during those moments, and i dont want to say something that isn't fair or warranted.

I hold it in too when it is done in public. I thought it was a good thing to keep your cool, but it is only suppressing those emotions and eating your insides. It has to come out somehow. I work out my anger through my poetry, that is why I wrote about my T on my blog. I had to put it out there to be heard, I wanted HIM to hear how hurt I was on what he did to me. She asked me how I would envision telling him how angry I was or hurt. I said I would like to sit right on top of him with his mouth sealed shut, and have him listen to me and see my tears he caused and stay there till I was done with it. Maybe I could do that at the gym tomorrow! lol or is that over the top?

Hi chaotic,

I am glad I am not the only one struggling with this, but I am not glad that you struggle with this too, because it feels so horrible. When trying to process my anger with my T, I start off feeling the rage, but then I dissociate it away and feel nothing. Thanks for replying!

Anger is scary to me too...

Probably the healthiest thing I have done to express anger in therapy is drawing with T. And writing. I have sat on his couch not talking, just FEELING, and writing and writing and writing. When I'm done writing, I don't have to show it to him. I can put in in my box on his desk, or rip it up, or whatever...once we left the room and went to the shredder and shredded it into a million pieces. That was awesome.

Lately, I've done some drawing with him. Or at least a younger part of me has. Her pure, fearless anger scares me...but she has no problem sitting with T and drawing whatever she needs to draw.

I think anger is important...when I can reach the place of being angry, it's like I am admitting "I am worth more than that. that shouldn't have happened to me". And like deli, if I am able to feel the anger and use words, I use bad words to express what I'm feeling. It's kind of like yelling, but quiet

[skeksi]

I"ve been drawing with T, too. I don't feel safe enough to talk about my anger yet, but sometimes and can draw it, and sometimes I can even sahre it with him, which feels like quite a triumph.

The thing we talked about before was that since emotions were not allowed in my house, especially anger, I never learned how to express it. I have to learn how to do that and learn all the other emotions too.

Exotic I can really relate to that. I am also learning to express my anger in therapy. I haven't done it much so far, but I basically cried and pounded my fists a bit on the couch and clenched my teeth. And then I felt awful for venting and had to spend the next session about why I felt so awful, when T didn't even think I vented that much. So I still have some work left to do!

Good luck to you, I hope it's a healing experience for you!

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

I hold it in too when it is done in public. I thought it was a good thing to keep your cool, but it is only suppressing those emotions and eating your insides. It has to come out somehow.

yes, i agree that suppressing emotions isn't a good idea and definitely expressing it is a good thing!! i guess i'm just wary of the idea that we need to (or that is is ok to) be aggressive in order to express anger.

if poetry works for you, that can be a really powerful tool to use. i like how others also express their anger through drawing.

i used to turn my anger inwards and self harm. i still do, sometimes, but now i try to go for a run instead. in terms of clearing my head in order to express to someone that i feel angered about what they have done, in that moment then a few deep breathes does help (sometimes). but most times i have to give myself time (away from that person) to think things over to be confident that i'm responding in a way that is fair.

but i'm not perfect. i still live with my parents and i think we would be a good case study in how not to navigate the territory in a productive manner.

[pachyderm]

I cannot express anger to my T or to anyone else, at least not when it is at its peak. I don't think anyone is able to cope with it, and it would be dangerous for me to express it. Of course I learned in childhood how dangerous it was to express anger or much of anything else that actually was mine.

It seems to me that "society" can not tolerate anger either. You get too angry and they kill you.

At least that's the way it seems to me.

You don't have to necessarily cry and yell and pound your fists to show anger. You said you write poetry. That's a great way to get that anger out. Writing is very cathartic. I don't show my anger either. I've repressed it all my life. But there is a great deal of rage inside. I understand your frustration. I don't even really recognize that I AM angry. It stays stuffed way down.

[cai23]

It took me over 2 years to be able to express my anger in Therapy. My T knew I was scared if I did he would never let me come back, so he always reassuring me he wasn't going anywhere. He would turn on the white noise machine and explain how it blocked out any noise, whatever he could to make me feel safe. One day I was really po'd with him and he knew it, and the more he tried to get me to talk about the more I told him he was making me angry and to please stop. He just sat back in his chair and said "good, go ahead give it to me". So I gave it to him! I felt horrible afterwards but I did feel alot more trusting of him. He was there the next week and he was okay. I can't verbally express my anger very well outside of therapy yet, so I take it out on myself. I did step over the line once with T and he let me know and that was the biggest turning point in therapy for me because I now have 100% trust in him. Now we can finally work on alot my deeper issues (and theres alot) and I can see a pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel. Geez I didn't mean to write a novel, I really just felt like sharing this.
For what its worth, I know how extremely hard it is to express any anger in therapy but once you can, in whatever way is best for you it feels really good.

[Fartraveler]

I have always had a hard time with this -- tend to dissociate it away, both in therapy and in real life. (As someone else mentioned.)

I do not feel comfortable expressing anger with her, or with anyone.

I don't even know when I am angry. In some situations I am aware that I should be angry. But I don't actually feel angry. I think.

I can tell if my feelings are hurt. (I suppose there might be some anger in that.)

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by cai23

I did step over the line once with T and he let me know and that was the biggest turning point in therapy for me because I now have 100% trust in him.

thank you for sharing, cai!! certainly not a novel (by my standards anyway ).

just wondering - if you feel comfortable enough to share - what the 'line' your therapist drew was? i think it's so great that it made you trust him even more; i probably would have been too scared to go back.

[cai23]

Deli,
That particular day I just really lost it in there and I turned all my anger against him and said some things I shouldn't have. Part of it is a blur but I do remember him telling me knock it off and that I was really out of line. I really expected him to open the door, throw me out and tell me never to come back again. I went home with alot of mixed emotions and wrote him a really long letter (I write him letters when I can't talk about things face to face). When I went back the next week, we talked about what happened, how each of us felt and he said.."and see, I'm still here for you". Yep, I knew I could trust him then. Sorry more then you asked...I don't normally post however I'm trying to work on this fear of posting I have.

Thanks everyone for the replies! But right now I am feeling happy so I will respond later!

I find it interesting that a lot of us have this struggle and we all have different ways of coping. I know my T tells me to paint or write about it, that she feels that is a healthy way to express it. I guess maybe what I am asking is how to express when I am in her office?

It seem like I shut it down, or change the subject, or do anything to not to feel it. I don't think I intentionally do this, it is like automatic. I am thinking this might have to do with the fact that I was conditioned as a child to do this like some of you have said, it wasn't safe to have those emotions.

She pointed out to me yesterday that I had some very troubling things that has happened over the past 2 weeks, and while I felt a lot of anger, I didn't completely fall apart or say something I might regret. I used my verbal words and I used my writing to do that, even here with some of my threads I have discussed the things that bother me with the world. I kept my ground and stuck up for myself but I didn't get too overwhelmed, Cus many of these things over the last couple of weeks would have normally wanted me to go tell people to **&%$ themselves. LOL

So I made my anger work for me in healthy ways but I wondering when I am in the therapy room, if she is looking for more of that anger, even the anger that might be buried or at the surface, which seems to stay buried. I just don't know, I guess I should ask. I know she wants me to feel safe to be able to feel anything in her office, and I have progressed some with that.
I know T's use other methods like beating a chair with a noodle or something, but there is no way I am going to do that. (I've seen the noodle in her office and I think she mentioned it very early in therapy with me) I am like NO WAY I AM DOING THAT. Besides I would feel sorry for the chair, and I just don't feel comfortable with hitting anything, It reminds me too much of violence Plus there way too many people within earshot for me to ever feel comfortable with that.

Would you guys believe me if I told you that I swore at my T so many times????

Yes, I have used F words, A, J etc....

He didn't seem to care that much. 1. He knew I have a bad temper 2. He deserved it
3. He was acting like he didn't have any feelings so I had to say those words out loud...

I was like the worst client. and he told me that I am very special because I used F words to him... LOL