[mixedup_emotions]

When I started to come out of this last bout of depression, I noticed a huge difference in me....the feelings of sadness, hopelessness and despair are still there...but I am fighting them. Perhaps even repressing them.

But the change is.....

I've been doing things TOTALLY out of the norm for me. I am pretty much a fearful person....I am not a risk taker. And lately, I've been taking way more risks than I ever have. At first, I thought it was a healthy change....like I am facing my fears...

Some examples...

I hate scary movies....I don't watch Ghost Hunters or anything of the like....Yet, recently, I went on two different paranormal investigations - one being a 2 day stay at a haunted mansion that was televised on Ghost Hunters.

I don't like the ocean. I am scared to death of sharks. I've even said in the past that I wouldn't go in a pool that had a goldfish in it...and now I am planning to do a shark dive at my local aquarium!

I haven't been on roller skates in over 20 years...and each time my daughter has asked me to skate, I refused...Yesterday, at her school skating party, I skated!! Backwards even!

What is happening to me? Part of me feels as though I am confronting fears and feeling the adrenaline rush, to distract me from my misery.

...And then there's perhaps the less healthy, more impulsive....

Like opening a bottle of wine for the first time in a couple years...

Considering getting a tattoo...WANTING to feel the needles and savoring the pain that comes with it...

Is this an issue I should raise with T? Have any of you gone through this? I don't know what's happening to me!?!??!

As an aside, the other day, I was taking a turn....and a huge truck was turning towards me extremely quickly...and it seemed as though I was going to be in a severe accident. I saw the truck coming head-on...and all I felt was intense RAGE....thinking to myself, "GO AHEAD, HIT ME! I DARE YOU!!!"

[jexa]

It makes sense that this would be happening to you now, mixedup. You just finally finalized your divorce. You are on the path to healing, you are changing, you are growing, you are becoming something new. During those times, I think it's normal to all of a sudden feel that you can take on the world. The truck incident is maybe a little concerning, especially if you were in danger and not protecting yourself due to your rage.. But overall I think this risk-taking sounds healthy and a natural response to life changes! In the same way that college students start experimenting during this very transitional period.. in the same way that people have mid-life crises and leave their jobs and go backpacking in Europe.

I am glad you are having these adventures! You probably want to talk to T if you're concerned, for instance if you are concerned that you will get a tattoo that you will regret, or you think this impulsivity is dangerous to you in some way.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Jexa!

I am relieved at your perspective...I know that some healthy escape/recreation is healthy, so I figured that some of these things felt like real progress....especially since for most of the last 8 months, I have shut myself off from the world and have done absolutely nothing.

I used to be more of a risk-taker when I was a teenager...but a lot of that was driven by anger...

When I was thinking of doing some of these things most recently, I felt the desire to feel fear - a different kind of fear - that would distract me from my life...

And now, it's more a feeling of rage, which is why I am fearful that the direction I am going in may lead to more unhealthy types of risk-taking...

I will certainly raise this with T though so we can talk through this and maybe I'll get a better understanding of it all....

[BlueMoon6]

I think Jexa is right, as long as it feels right to you and it sounds like it does. It looks healthy, to be adventurous and do some of the things that made you were afraid of before, even if it is somewhat of a distraction. It sounds like a distraction that might make you feel more empowered and less fearful.

The truck (and tatoo) thing, and I have had thoughts like that while driving, is maybe something different that healthy risk-taking. Im thinking of when I have felt those thoughts- rage, impulsiveness, hopelessness, even a form of SI.

I agree with Jexa that there are so many changes for you right now. You have escaped from a horrible situation and maybe there is even a lull, there is always some kind of drama going on, but maybe there is room for healthy exploration and unhealthy exploration. To find a peaceful middle ground. Im saying that because I find myself doing that kind of thing, looking in all places for a healthy "outlet". If that makes any sense.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I think Jexa is right, as long as it feels right to you and it sounds like it does. It looks healthy, to be adventurous and do some of the things that made you were afraid of before, even if it is somewhat of a distraction. It sounds like a distraction that might make you feel more empowered and less fearful.

The truck (and tatoo) thing, and I have had thoughts like that while driving, is maybe something different that healthy risk-taking. Im thinking of when I have felt those thoughts- rage, impulsiveness, hopelessness, even a form of SI.

I agree with Jexa that there are so many changes for you right now. You have escaped from a horrible situation and maybe there is even a lull, there is always some kind of drama going on, but maybe there is room for healthy exploration and unhealthy exploration. To find a peaceful middle ground. Im saying that because I find myself doing that kind of thing, looking in all places for a healthy "outlet". If that makes any sense.

Wow, Blue, thank you for your insight....It makes great sense. I didn't think of separating the two. The healthy distractions do help me feel empowered and are much needed...Perhaps the more of that I do, the more I will find ME and maybe the less miserable I will be.

But then more unhealthy distractions could be different....a way of dealing with the anger and pain....and I need to get a better handle on that before I do something I will regret. I have been feeling the urge to SI during these times as well...

I guess I am dealing with so much rage and anger and need to find better ways of expressing it. I know that means working through the underlying issues in T....but I am too afraid to open up. UGH!!!!

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

As an aside, the other day, I was taking a turn....and a huge truck was turning towards me extremely quickly...and it seemed as though I was going to be in a severe accident. I saw the truck coming head-on...and all I felt was intense RAGE....thinking to myself, "GO AHEAD, HIT ME! I DARE YOU!!!"

Sometimes suddenly taking risks can be an example of para-suicidal behaviour and should be taken seriously. For instance, the above mentioned reaction to the truck - IMO it is not a rational response to feel rage when faced with a head on collision, rather fear would have been a more appropriate reaction.

I am by no means saying that you are suicidal or anything like that. You may in fact simply be fed up with constantly being afraid - something I totally understand. However, I would encourage you to discuss these new behaviours with your therapist to help determine whether you are, in fact, fed up or there is another process in play here.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Sometimes suddenly taking risks can be an example of para-suicidal behaviour and should be taken seriously. For instance, the above mentioned reaction to the truck - IMO it is not a rational response to feel rage when faced with a head on collision, rather fear would have been a more appropriate reaction.

I am by no means saying that you are suicidal or anything like that. You may in fact simply be fed up with constantly being afraid - something I totally understand. However, I would encourage you to discuss these new behaviours with your therapist to help determine whether you are, in fact, fed up or there is another process in play here.

Thanks, Elliemay....I am going to raise this with my T this week...I do not want to die. I have a beautiful young daughter who needs me. But I do have these phases....scary phases....that I hope will not lead to anything serious....I definitely need to raise this with T. I'm just afraid of "doing the work" that's needful to get me through all this. *sigh*

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Wow, Blue, thank you for your insight....It makes great sense. I didn't think of separating the two. The healthy distractions do help me feel empowered and are much needed...Perhaps the more of that I do, the more I will find ME and maybe the less miserable I will be.

But then more unhealthy distractions could be different....a way of dealing with the anger and pain....and I need to get a better handle on that before I do something I will regret. I have been feeling the urge to SI during these times as well...

I guess I am dealing with so much rage and anger and need to find better ways of expressing it. I know that means working through the underlying issues in T....but I am too afraid to open up. UGH!!!!

MUE- I want to post more but I am SOOOO tired. I have to say before my head hits the pillow that I could have written this post. I can look for unhealthy distractions and drama when I feel "good enough" to let out the rage, anger, frustration etc.

And then there are the healthy distractions- talking with friends, spending time with my kids etc. But I (we) can do both. Im not done with all of that rage and childhood issues and it can DEFINITELY turn into SI feelings and weird things like wanting to hit my car with a truck in the opposite lane. Not that I would, but the thoughts can be really disturbing.

About working thru the underlying issues, I know you have said you are afraid to open up, but can you open the door to an underlying issue just a teeny, tiny bit? Mention some issue that might, maybe cause rage? It might be a small beginning.

[skeksi]

MUE, I can relate. As I have finally come out of my terrified stupor about my past, the numbness has lifted and the rage that has come up really scares me. I feel so angry all the time and like I am constantly behaving inappropriately. And sometimes, I really have. Many times though, it's just been that the feelings felt out of control. I rarely was.

For me, feeling anger at all felt out of control. I am still working on being able to feel it AND feel in control of it.

Definitely bring this up with T. I found that talking about anger got me to some interesting places.