The scary paths EMDR therapy can take us (the most extreme session ever for me)

Well I asked for a deeper session and my T gave it to me. We focused on that trigger of that women doing anger therapy in another T's office next door, her yell and all those beating sounds.

It is weird because so much happened, it feels rather jumbled or surreal when I try to think about the sequences of events and where it led.

When we started I was getting frustrated because I kept going blank trying to feel some of that scary sound of rage of that other women. My T told me to quit trying so hard and trying to force things to happen. I remember her asking me what happens when I do that in other circumstances and I am not even sure what I said. Then she asked me what the opposite of it was, and I said doing nothing. She asked what that meant, and I said being a victim. Then I got frustrated again and made a grrr sound and then she has me focus on THAT feeling and it brought me right to the past of when I was being burned by my mom and how I couldn't fight her off me. on how I felt trapped and couldn't move. When that came up, she could see something I was feeling and I could barely tell her, in fact I said she didn't want to know. She asked me if I could tell her and I did but I could barely talk.
Then things get a little fuzzy and weird because we focused on every little feeling that was coming up and it led other places.

Then if finally led somewhere really dark and I warn those who are not doing well, do not read on...please.

*******major triggers****

Somehow it got to me feeling like I wanted to die. Now she said these were old feelings I was feeling right now, that I was now safe. But we focused more on that feeling and I said it was like my body didn't exist, like it was a ghost floating fading in and out. Then somehow I saw myself in a coffin dead. I saw my kids looking at me with sad faces. She asked me how I felt seeing myself in a coffin and I said I feel peaceful, that I had to no longer feel my pain of the past. Then images came to me trying to kill myself and how when I was a child i really didn't know how to end my life, but I did now. I didn't like physical pain of trying to kill myself, so I would drive into my garage and shut the door and keep the motor running. Then fall asleep.

Now lots was going on with with me and my T and I don't remember exactly what happened and when, it was so intense.

She asked me what would I miss if I died and I said my kids-just my kids. She tried to ask me about my pets and I said I would miss them, but not like my kids. I told her I had nothing else.

She then asked if she could come closer and tap on my knees. She was trying to bring me down from this. We focused on the my safe spot of being on the lake with my father. The feelings of all that. One of the feelings was being rocked and when I said that I made the movement of rocking a baby. ( I didn't realized this till now) It was so hard because I kept seeing myself in a coffin. But eventually I let go of that image and was okay. I wasn't dissociating much but felt this swirling, moving sensation going through out my body.

She asked me if I was okay and not going to drive into my gargage or anything on the way back from my appointment. I said I couldn't, she looked at me strange and I said there was too much crap in my garage to drive in. We both laughed and I said that I wasn't going to do anything stupid. She said, you do know that I have to ask, right. I said yes, but I will be fine. She told me that a lot of stuff is probably going to come up, and it is bad she wanted me to focus on my safe spot instead. She wanted me to write, but not the on the bad stuff. If somehow I couldn't let go of that dark feeling I am suppose to call her.

I remember her asking me if I realized how brave I was for doing this and how huge it was and how this is going to help me. I said I wanted to believe her. She said she would take that. She told me she was proud of me. I was still feeling weird, almost a surreal feeling. As I was leaving She kinda hit my chest with her arms, almost like she wanted to show some kind of affection for me, kinda like a pat on the back, but different. I was feeling rather tired and I probably was being very dead faced serious, which isn't like me at all. But I was okay. We went way past my session time I noticed when I got back to my car. Normally I watch the clock but I didn't even see the clock this time, heard the ticking though.

My creativity is soaring since last night, it is helping me write a non fiction essay about my dad and me on the lake, that has a good chance of getting published. Since this session it has given me depth to my story emotionally instead of intellectually. Trauma is stored in the right side of the brain which is where creativity usually comes from, so unlocking the trauma has also unlocked some of the memory of feelings of being on the lake with my dad.

But I am feeling, what the heck happened to me in that session? I wonder what she is thinking about it. It still feels surreal to me.

Wow. What an incredible session! You did so much work. I'm happy you're in a good, creative place.

((((( ExoticFlower ))))) Thank you so much for sharing this very powerful and wonderful healing work from your soul. You leave me speachless. You are an amazing survivor. That is really all I can say - just that I see you as really awesome.

Exotic, that sounds very intense!!! I know you know this, because you advised me before I did EMDR, but definitely call T if you need her, if those dark thoughts return! When I had my first EMDR, I left feeling so spacey, I don't think I was grounded enough. Within 24 hours, I was having sui thoughts - not bad enough to act on them, but bad enough that I couldn't stop crying and had to call T for an emergency session. I hope this EMDR is very good for you, it sounds like it's been amazing for your productivity! Safe hugs to you!

Thanks Moonrise,

It was hard but I do feel creative and feel good. :-) Now if only I would stop playing on facebook and do something with it! lol

gosh Wpowers,
Your post brought tears to my eyes, the first since my appointment. Not sure why, but they are happy tears. Thanks so much for your kind works.

Hi Dreamer,

I am really okay. Those feelings are from when I was little and being in that situation, only processing them as an adult. I don't feel like this in the present time, I don't think I could ever take my life. It is confusing.
I have had the dissociation feeling after EMDR, but this one is different. As I am feeling it today, it almost feels like a radiating healness of energy moving through out myself and extending past my body through my skin. Perhaps the EMDR got rid of a lot of bad stuff and my body is just healing from all the poison being within me. Like I have all this room now inside to store other things. :-) Who knows, I am anxious to hearing what my T says about it.

Wow exotic that was favor brave of you, it was an intense session for sure.
It's so hard to be vulnerable like that, last week I admitted to my T that I have been laying in bed lately just wishing I were dead. I have no plans of doing such a thing but sometimes the sadness is so intense that I can't help but feel it so deep.
Sending you safe hugs, processing that stuff after session can be intense at times as well, be safe.

Exotic,
That sounds like a very healing session. I could totally relate to what you said in the beginning about trying to push the treatment and getting frustrated. I think that happens to me a lot of times. So many times want really want to connect to that right-hemisphere during the session and it just doesn't work. Also like you when I seem to have an episode where I delve deep and recover I too seem to get a burst of creativity. Like brain connections have been cleared and energy has been freed up to use on fun things. When this happens I always think about Sunrise's comments about all the energy we waste in the trauma cycle and how nice it feels when its available for other things.

It sounds like you created a healing vortex during that session...Hope it leads to nice step forward in your overall healing.

My T and I tried the EMDR thing once..I think. It worked a little bit but I think I was really trying too hard and don't think she got the response she wanted. I did go home and played with it myself and THEN I really triggered myself and forgot about the happy place part--not good!
In the end I was OK though. I was able to dig myself out of the darkness and reach that floaty but calm, I'm OK place.
What I think is interesting about my EDMR experience is a little over a month ago my inner child got really triggered, I ignored her in therapy, then when back the next day to do a do over session. During the do-over session, I kind of floated in and out of my dark place during that session. Midway through that session, I realize that I was automatically using the eye movements to bring myself out of the darkness. It was like my T would ask me something, and in trying to find the answer I would go down into the darkness, repeat some of the noise that was playing in my head, then rock my head to zig-zag my way back to the room.

Now that I think of it, I'd kind of like to ask my T about that re-do session. Sooo many questions, so little time :-)

I LOVE this, exoticflower I have experienced this feeling a few times...after energy work that I did with a therapist (not mine) last winter, and after some very, very deep sessions with T, one in particular. Like my whole worldview changed shifted, and there was this new SPACE inside of me where bad stuff used to be. What a good feeling.

Good for you for following your instincts and telling T you were ready to get back into the deep stuff. My T always says that we know what we need to heal.

Lots of to you!

Thanks Hanging on!

I guess it is hard for me to see it as brave or such a big deal. I feel like I have no other choice really. But I have to take you and T's word for it. :-) I am actually doing very well so far, especially after such an intense session. I feel a sense of calm tonight. That swirling feeling has stopped some and I just feel some peace or something. Now for some reason I usually feel the full affects of EMDR after about 3 days. So who knows how I will feel tomorrow. Thanks as always for your support.

Hi Chaotic!