What do you look at?

Not neccessarly so sky, its the depth of what you can talk about shows you are healing more so then where u look or where you sit...i seldom look at T but find the depth of my converaation deepening.

When I'm looking at T's desk I usually look at the books that are on the shelf right above it. He also has the knicknack stuff patients have given him along with the pictures of his daughter and pets. I don't look at any of the paperwork or what I'd consider personal stuff either. So technically I'm not really looking at his desk.

I agree. I will break eye contact when I'm trying to remember stuff or when I'm processing information. That's when I find myself focused on the chair or chair pillow the most. Especially when I'm talking through a difficult thing. Thinking about this now I realize I do look at my T quite a bit. I look at him when he's talking to me. I may look back to the other chair but I do make eye contact throughout our talks. My head may be down so my hair kinda hides my teary eyes, but I'll still look at him. That counts right?!? LOL

i read somewhere that looking up and to the right helps us to process our thoughts and select words while we are speaking.

Just like Zooropa, I tend to look at T while she is talking to me, and look away while I am talking to her.

One time T was telling me I didn't have to be 'superwoman', and feel like I had to do everything perfectly for my family and friends. She said she has always wanted to get a super woman cape to hang in her office, to be a reminder of that, but she didn't have room on her wall. I told her that last year my daughter was superwoman for halloween. And she said that is a good idea, she could get a child-size superwoman costume to hand on the wall. The very next week when I went in, I saw she had purchased a kid's superwoman costumer (this was right around halloween), and it was mounted on her wall right across from the couch on which I sit.

Anyway, sometimes I look at that......

I find it really difficult to maintain any eye contact and only really manage to glance up at him now and again I have only really ever held eye contact a few times but am getting there.
I know he tries different tactics to get me to look at him. Also he sort of coughs frequently throughout the session, I think to get me to look up instead of out of the window or at the floor and to stop me wondering off and to keep me as present as possible does anyone else’s therapist do that?

snow, my T will shift in her chair or clear her throat, cough or sort of cluck her mug around a little bit sometimes, I think she just does it unconsciously at times (sometimes a cough is just a cough, right? ) but other times it's when I'm lost in thought or dissociating and I think she's trying to bring me back to the present. She's never said that, but I'm pretty sure...

Zooropa, Yes I think you are right am sure not all the coughs are deliberate but he does it a lot especially at the start of the session when I am my most anxious and finding it really difficult to look at him. He also shifts about in his chair too and if I am staring at the floor will put his foot out so I it is in my line of sight and he wares really awful shoes so it has the desired effect of making me look up!

not a weird question at all.

When T is trying to make me understand something, or if I am angry and ranting (both of which happens fairly often), I have no problem looking into her eyes. When I am teling her funny or not-hard things I sometimes look at her, sometimes at the leaves on the tree just outside her window.
When I am telling her hard things I can't look at her, sometimes I realize that I'm looking at the couch across from me and think about hiding behind the big pillow there. Or I look over at the clock and get anguished at what it tells me.
and when I am very upset, I look down. No way I could meet her eyes at those times.

T's still moving into a new office and they haven't given her a desk yet (!) so she keeps a lot of file folders piled on the floor by her chair. These are for different clients (I asked once) and I can't help noticing that some are thin and some are very full, and wondering which one is mine LOL...........

Hmmm ... I look at the door ... interesting. "Get me out of here" my brain is wishing. I rarely look at my T. Often I will put my hands over my eyes. Last week my t commented in the midst of a heated discussion about our therapeutic relationship, "You don't even look at me." Nope.

Yes!! Yes!!! My T has NO WINDOW!!! Just thought I'd make that clear right off the bat.

Her office is small and very conservatively furnished. We are very comfortable with each other and it is quite common that we look each other in the eye when conversing.

When I am talking about something intense, frequently I read notes from a written journal or off of my netbook, so I only look up for a couple seconds. Also, if I'm talking about something from memory, I'm a visual person, so often, I will stare at the carpet, maybe close my eyes for a few moments to gather my thoughts and then speak. They say that if you are a visual person, you look up, down or off to the side, if you are an auditory person, you turn your head, etc.

When T talks to me, she always looks straight at me.

Someone in T's suite of offices gave her one of those trickling water fountains with rocks in it, supposed to be relaxing? I HATE IT!!! I find it extremely annoying!

The one day with T that was the freakiest was the day I made T cry. I had returned from England in December after visiting my mother-in-law who was dying. I told her about the trip. I also told her that I kind of felt useless because I didn't know what to do or say to a dying woman. So, a couple days before we left, I put a chair up next to her bed and asked her if she knew who I was. She said yes. (I've posted this before in Spiritual Forum.) I asked her if she believed in angels. She said she wasn't sure. She asked me if I was an angel. I chuckled and said I wasn't but it might be fun. I told her that when it's time for her to go, she could relax and let the care workers make her comfortable here until then, and when that time comes, there would be angels that would come to get her, and Frank (her husband who died 16 years ago) would be there and Jesus would be there with open arms and she would feel no more pain and she would feel more love than she has ever felt in her life.

T started crying and had to use several tissues and apologized. I felt really embarassed for making her cry and told her I was sorry. She told me that it was amazing that I could say those things. I told her it was the only thing I could think of to say that would mean anything to someone who was dying. And she did die 5 days later.

The hardest time I have looking at T is when I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I hate that feeling. I always turn my head away or down, then reach for a tissue before they fall. I have never figured out why I can tell T really embarassing, awful stuff while looking her in the eye but when I feel tears starting, I have to look away. Hmmmm.

I stare at the clock, or T's feet. Sometimes I'll look outside. Often my head can be found buried in my hands or under my coat.

I look at T when I am feeling strong. When the topic turns difficult, my eyes avert.

It may very well be a sign of healing when I'm able to look T in the eye when discussing uncomfortable things, but for now, this is where I am. And I doubt T feels bad about it - I think it's expected. People divert their eyes when they're uncomfortable. And therapy isn't always a walk in the park.

When I first started therapy I pretty much was focused on the door. My body was positioned towards the door, I looked over at the door constantly. My anxiety as decreased since then and I'm not shaking like crazy and forcing myself to stay seated. BUT, your answer made me realize that when the conversation gets really difficult I do position myself towards the door and I have my eye on that door handle. I still look over at my T and at other things near him but I'm ready to bolt at any moment.

Interesting thread. I am very uncomfortable with people, T included.

I wish T office had a window but no. I get tired of looking at the floor but that is where my eyes automatically go when I'm talking. I have enough trouble talking let alone trying to follow etiquette and look into someone's eyes. Although come to think of it I was able to force myself into looking at my first T a few years ago. Hmm. What does that mean? Am I in worse shape now? Did I trust my first T more than my current one? Maybe yes on both counts.

I would bet that at our next T sessions we will all be thinking of this thread.

My T usually has coffee or water that she's drinking, so I tend to look at that a lot. Or whatever is in her hands. In fact, now that I think about it, I kinda look at her hands a lot. My eyes are in her general direction, but I'm not necessarily looking her in the eye. Hmmm....

that's interesting, it makes me wonder if it might be a way for me to transition into more eye contact w/T. I could start by looking at her more, not necessarily eye to eye (because she is ALWAYS looking at me unless she's writing a quick note) but I could start with her hands, or her hair, knees, whatever....

I do love looking at my T's hands and arms.
I think my mind is still wishing for that hug, so focusing right on the arms that would comfort and hug. lol

I always look at the floor, his rug has cute flowers on it, at his window is just an a/c. T has only mentioned once my lack of eye contact. It is like someone said earlier he can see right inside of me and see all the bads...
another thing i do which is bad, i never wear my glasses in session, that way if i do happen to glance at t, his face is just a complete blur. I don't know if t even realizes just how blind I am without them!!!

I tend to look directly into her left eye.. that way my gaze doesn't shift back and forth.

I don't deserve your attack. I was offering support, not judging anyone.

I was just thinking of this last session. I rarely make eye contact with T (and T doesn't mention it). Lately, I've been specifically reminding myself to look him in the eye and I've noticed that, while he was almost always looking at me in the beginning, now he's usually looking at something else. I think he does it to make me feel more comfortable...which is great...except when I'm trying to improve my eye contact and end up looking at the top of his head

My T has a really big office and there's lots to look at. A big window that I can look out of, plants, pictures, a zillion diplomas that I always wonder what the initials stand for in his name, zillions more books on the shelves, a couple of decorative rugs, some sculptures, really ugly chairs, piles of junk, 3 clocks (all of which show a different time - which is different still from the 2 in the entry hall. But I suppose time is relative, right?)

I immediately pick up on anything that's different about the room - I guess because I've spent so much time looking it over. One thing that never changes, though...T's shoes. Always the same pair whether they match or not.

My T fiddles with books a lot, drinks lots of tea, twirls his pen a lot, lots of head scratching. For the first several weeks, I worried that he must be sick because he coughed so much...never occurred to me until reading through these posts that maybe he was trying to get my attention. Then, I went through a time where I wanted to slip some allergy meds in his tea because, honestly, T blows his nose more than my father-in-law. I think the kleenex in the room is mostly for him. I cannot look at him when he is blowing his nose. (In the house I was raised in, you had to leave the room to do that) And it always makes me think of a caregiver I had who would shout "AVERT YOUR EYES!" whenever she felt there was something nearby that was too scandalous for our eyes
And when he passes wind, I really wish I could avert my ears.

Sometimes I think the office isn't nearly big enough and it's the biggest T/Pdoc,doc office I've ever been in. Lots of times, I pace around or stand with my back to him - especially if I want to look out the window with the good view.

Next time, I'll make it a point to notice what color his eyes are. Then I'll have to look at them. Thanks for this post. Sorry to ramble on (it's late, I'm manic...)

I agree with you

anyways, to answer the thread topic- I usually try to look my T in the eyes as much as I can because as Sky mentioned it strengthens the therapeutic process...

though when I'm uncomfortable I will most likely either look at the wood grain in the furniture, or the leaves on the potted plants, and once I looked out the window because it meant looking in the direction opposite of him when he was reading some difficult stuff in my journal once.

This is an interesting topic...I like reading all of the responses!

Where I look varies, for me. T has a window, but it's behind me, so I can't really look out it. I think I make eye contact sometimes, but I definitely look away when we talk about uncomfortable topics (and for me...most personal things are uncomfortable, so I guess I look away a lot.) I tend to look at the floor, or just down in general (maybe like the lower wall, or something). I think sometimes I just want to look ANYWHERE but at him, especially when it's really uncomfortable.

He has really good eye contact though...every time I've looked up (that I can remember, anyway) he was always "there" and ready for eye contact. I've never looked up and found him looking away/daydreaming/seeming as though he wasn't listening. He is a very active listener. He's not pushy about eye contact, though...I think he understands that it's hard for me (anyone!) to talk about personal things in such a candid way. I really like that about him.

I used to look anywhere but at my therapist(previous one) but occasionally our eyes would meet and I would be totally engulfed in his piercing blue eyes. With my present T, eye contact is still poor, I look out the window, at the skirting boards, the walls, my fingernails, the door handle etc. At the moment though, I dont trust her, maybe the eye contact will get better given time.

I've been working on this, in the month or so since this thread was first posted. I try to make eye contact w/my T more, especially during the times when I'm feeling really emotional. It has been hard! But I'm trying. I wonder if she notices?

She rearranged her office & got some new furniture in there a couple of weeks ago and that has been weird, I used to look at her bookshelves while I talked but now the bookcase has doors so there's no books to stare at. There's still the window though.

T has also started sitting on the side by the window, instead of the other side of the room like before. It has really be interesting, to see how the sessions "feel" different with just those few changes.