I had a difficult session with t on Monday, but it was a good one. I have had problems with memories lately. My t and I talked about them and exposed them. Then he said, "So now that you and I both know what happened, what are you going to do with the memories?"

I know I have a choice about what I do with them. I can keep wallowing in them, which does me absolutely no good, or I can do what I have learned to do. I can put them away. Not that it is as easy as I make it sound. It takes practice.

He used this analogy: He's a horrible speller. Say there is this one particular word that he knows he always misspells. He can continue to just misspell it. He can continue to bear the consequences of misspelling that word, say points off on his essays. Or, he can pick up the dictionary and look the word up and check his spelling. He's been taught to use the dictionary. It is a skill that is helpful to him. It is a skill that, if used, will allow him to not have to suffer the consequences of repeatedly misspelling the same word over and over. AND, as an added bonus, after he has looked the word up several times using the skills he has been taught, eventually, he won't even need to use the dictionary because with practice, he will have learned to spell the word correctly automatically.

Now granted, he admitted spelling a word is a whole lot easier than dealing with old traumatic memories. But the mechanism works the same way. I know those old memories are old news. I'm not suppressing them anymore. I've looked at them inside, outside, sideways, and backwards. But it is time to put them away, to stop giving them so much power in my life. I do know how to set them aside, as difficult as that may be. I have been taught the skills to stay focused on the here and now, and only use those old experiences as insight into my present thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I need to choose to pick up my dictionary of skills and utilize them. I need to put what I know into practice. Regularly.

Practice. I know he's right. And these last few days, sure enough, I've picked up my dictionary and I'm feeling better. I wonder how many times I'll have to pick up that dictionary before my skills finally become automatic. Think I'll wear out the cover?

[Sannah]

But were your feelings processed? This is what makes them not go away. Once feelings are processed they vanish into thin air. Feelings only stay if they are active. Once they are inactive you cannot hold them anymore.

Originally Posted by Sannah

But were your feelings processed? This is what makes them not go away. Once feelings are processed they vanish into thin air. Feelings only stay if they are active. Once they are inactive you cannot hold them anymore.

Oh yes. Many times over. I look at what those memories mean to me, both then and now. That's part of the process. I know how to do that. I just choose not to do what I know from time to time. That's partially a habit I just got into over the years. It takes time to change those habits. I'm getting there.

[Sannah]

Did you have emotions in therapy? Could I have seen your emotions from the outside of you if I would have been in the room?

Definitely.

[Sannah]

You were crying? How would I have known?

[Melbadaze]

I dont think "choose to wallow" is what is actually going on, I think like sannah points out, unless we process them they remain active and we are stuck in a repetitive cycle, which is the pysches way of trying to deal with them, its not as simple as someone wallowing, thats are harsh observation.

My t saw it in me immediately, Sannah. I get anxious and tense up like I'm going to break in half.

As far as the way I choose to phrase what I do, I don't consider it harsh at all. I choose to continue going through this cycle. I know how to get out of it. It DO process my feelings IF I do what I know how to do. It's my phrase for myself; I'm not using it for anyone else. It helps motivate me to break old habits.

[Melbadaze]

you choose? But is it a free choice?

Absolutely a free choice. Knowing I have choices is very empowering. Believing I am at the will of my past is enslaving.

[Melbadaze]

but isn't "choosing" to "wallow" just as enslaving?

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

but isn't "choosing" to "wallow" just as enslaving?

Exactly, that is why I must choose NOT to wallow.

[WePow]

In my opionion (( as right now I am also going through the "what do we do with THIS now that we KNOW" )) :

1) The memory will not vanish - I accept this fact.

2) The emotional pain resulting from the trauma is valid - I will not feel guilty for experiencing it.

3) There are tools I am learning which will allow me to properly feel the emotions in a safe and cathardic way - and in my own time.

4) As each memory is experienced and processed safely, the emotional charge is lowered.

5) My support system is in place, I will use this to allow me to complete the safe processing of trauma.

6) My T told me (and I choose to believe him) that we must fully experience the stages of grief for each memory. But once those stages are experienced and the grief is processed, that is it. It is just a matter of allowing the process of experience and healing for each item to occur.

7) The future is mine and not my abusers.

So this is what I am thinking about this post - hope it helps in some way.
(((( Chris )))) ~WEP

Originally Posted by WePow

In my opionion (( as right now I am also going through the "what do we do with THIS now that we KNOW" )) :

1) The memory will not vanish - I accept this fact.

2) The emotional pain resulting from the trauma is valid - I will not feel guilty for experiencing it.

3) There are tools I am learning which will allow me to properly feel the emotions in a safe and cathardic way - and in my own time.

4) As each memory is experienced and processed safely, the emotional charge is lowered.

5) My support system is in place, I will use this to allow me to complete the safe processing of trauma.

6) My T told me (and I choose to believe him) that we must fully experience the stages of grief for each memory. But once those stages are experienced and the grief is processed, that is it. It is just a matter of allowing the process of experience and healing for each item to occur.

7) The future is mine and not my abusers.

So this is what I am thinking about this post - hope it helps in some way.
(((( Chris )))) ~WEP

I agree with all of this.

i do think there are times, even when we've processed the emotions of a loss, we do have to actively choose to move forward. some of our losses are so great (e.g. someone losing a child) or life altering that it can be tempting to dwell in that place of loss rather than move on and embrace new life. we're only human after all...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I had a difficult session with t on Monday, but it was a good one. I have had problems with memories lately. My t and I talked about them and exposed them. Then he said, "So now that you and I both know what happened, what are you going to do with the memories?"

I know I have a choice about what I do with them. I can keep wallowing in them, which does me absolutely no good, or I can do what I have learned to do. I can put them away. Not that it is as easy as I make it sound. It takes practice.

He used this analogy: He's a horrible speller. Say there is this one particular word that he knows he always misspells. He can continue to just misspell it. He can continue to bear the consequences of misspelling that word, say points off on his essays. Or, he can pick up the dictionary and look the word up and check his spelling. He's been taught to use the dictionary. It is a skill that is helpful to him. It is a skill that, if used, will allow him to not have to suffer the consequences of repeatedly misspelling the same word over and over. AND, as an added bonus, after he has looked the word up several times using the skills he has been taught, eventually, he won't even need to use the dictionary because with practice, he will have learned to spell the word correctly automatically.

Now granted, he admitted spelling a word is a whole lot easier than dealing with old traumatic memories. But the mechanism works the same way. I know those old memories are old news. I'm not suppressing them anymore. I've looked at them inside, outside, sideways, and backwards. But it is time to put them away, to stop giving them so much power in my life. I do know how to set them aside, as difficult as that may be. I have been taught the skills to stay focused on the here and now, and only use those old experiences as insight into my present thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I need to choose to pick up my dictionary of skills and utilize them. I need to put what I know into practice. Regularly.

Practice. I know he's right. And these last few days, sure enough, I've picked up my dictionary and I'm feeling better. I wonder how many times I'll have to pick up that dictionary before my skills finally become automatic. Think I'll wear out the cover?

farmergirl Im not going to question you about why you are doing what you choose to do about this, because Im not your therapist (who's job it is to question how and why you do things). Im here for support and give support. I'm glad you know what happened. I'm glad you can now remember that memory you worked so hard on, and Im glad you know your options on what to do about this past memory. keep up the good work

[purple_fins]

thank you all for this whole thread. wow-- it's opening my eyes!

I'm struggling with what Sannah wrote..... about really "feeling" those feelings.......

I've thought that if I didn't allow those feelings, then I'd be safe.... but.... this thread has got me thinking, maybe THAT is one thing contributing to me not moving as forward as I need to.....
I'm so fearful of acknowledging those awful feelings though-- if I do then that means it's all really real.... God, what if I implode.
ugh.... have an upset stomach just thinking about feeling......
no wonder I've never liked horror movies-- what goes on on the inside is more than terrifying.

farmergirl-- it sounds like you are going down an admirable path. I hope you are proud of yourself.

fins

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I've thought that if I didn't allow those feelings, then I'd be safe.... but.... this thread has got me thinking, maybe THAT is one thing contributing to me not moving as forward as I need to.....

Purple_fins...

It's taken me a LONG TIME but I have really been feeling my feelings both in session and at home. It's hard. It hurts and sometimes I don't even think I will survive it...it's just so painful and scary, and there is so much shame and yuck. But what I'm finding is...one I face those feelings, I really can begin to move forward. I don't understand how it works at all, but it's happened in my therapy over and over again. My real, true, big growth and healing always follows my darkest, hardest periods.

It's hard to let myself "go there" and have faith that it will happen this way..but sometimes the feelings just overtake me and I can't run from them anymore.

Healing is hard hard work. But just the fact that you are thinking about being willing to feel your feelings is huge. HUGE. Good for you.

[bluesylady]

Hi farmergirl, good for you that you're ready to move past all this. Such an empowering feeling to now be in charge of these memories and to choose how they will or won't impact your life anymore. I'm working on this myself. I still have more memories to process. I want to be able to accept all these memories and I think the final step for me to completly let them go would be forgiveness. Not ready to forgive yet. Is forgivness possible?

Anyway I'm really happy for you that you're where you're at with your healing. You don't get there without a lot of hard work. It's nice to see such a positive outcome with therapy. Gives me hope that I will eventually get there if I can get the nerve to break down this wall I've built around myself in therapy for fear that I might get hurt, to open up more and ask for what I need. Thanks for your inspiring post.

Be well and take care,
bl

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

My t saw it in me immediately, Sannah. I get anxious and tense up like I'm going to break in half.

that's pretty much what it looks like for me, too. It'd be "nice" if I could cry in T and process things that way, it'd certainly be easier for the casual observer to pick up on. But my T is in tune with me and can tell when I'm feeling something, I can't help it that I have learned through my life to hide my feelings. It's hard for me to show anything at all.

So getting tense and clenching my fists and not breathing might not LOOK like a lot but it certainly FEELS like a lot.

[rainbow8]

Hi, farmergirl. I can relate to this thread too. I'm happy that you are progressing so well in your therapy and can actively choose to let the memories go. That's a huge accomplishment!

I don't feel my feelings in therapy so I haven't done much processing of memories other than talking about them over and over. That could be why I'm stuck and continually seek therapy. Something to think about.

Keep up the good work, farmergirl!

Originally Posted by bluesylady

Hi farmergirl, good for you that you're ready to move past all this. Such an empowering feeling to now be in charge of these memories and to choose how they will or won't impact your life anymore. I'm working on this myself. I still have more memories to process. I want to be able to accept all these memories and I think the final step for me to completly let them go would be forgiveness. Not ready to forgive yet. Is forgivness possible?

Anyway I'm really happy for you that you're where you're at with your healing. You don't get there without a lot of hard work. It's nice to see such a positive outcome with therapy. Gives me hope that I will eventually get there if I can get the nerve to break down this wall I've built around myself in therapy for fear that I might get hurt, to open up more and ask for what I need. Thanks for your inspiring post.

Be well and take care,
bl

Is forgiveness possible? Yes, but I find I have to forgive over and over again. It comes in bits and pieces and has to be renewed from time to time. But it is very freeing to forgive.

I have worked hard, but as all of you know, it's up and down and back and forth with me. The one constant has been the skills my t has been working on with me. They are always there; I just have to remember and be willing to use them. When I stray too far from them, I inevitably find myself in trouble. One of these days I'll learn. I hope. I hope.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

farmergirl Im not going to question you about why you are doing what you choose to do about this, because Im not your therapist (who's job it is to question how and why you do things). Im here for support and give support. I'm glad you know what happened. I'm glad you can now remember that memory you worked so hard on, and Im glad you know your options on what to do about this past memory. keep up the good work

LOL! I like to engage in conversation because the mind is interesting to me, you dont have to be a therapist to be interested in the human condition and who knows, perhaps taking a real interest may feel supportive to some?

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

LOL! I like to engage in conversation because the mind is interesting to me, you dont have to be a therapist to be interested in the human condition and who knows, perhaps taking a real interest may feel supportive to some?

Questions don't bother me at all. The help me solidify what I've learned in my mind. It's like practicing my skills for me. Question away!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

........ I don't understand how it works at all, but it's happened in my therapy over and over again. My real, true, big growth and healing always follows my darkest, hardest periods........

I may cut this out and carry it around with me. Thank you Treehouse.

I know this wisdom was hard-earned.