telling T how I feel about therapy...

so I had my session w/T this afternoon. I had a lot to talk about, a lot of $hit happened this last week so there was a lot to say.

At one point, as I was talking about my 15 year old son, T interrupted me and said "what are you feeling right now?". She has done that before, kind of like she's trying to sneak-attack me into sharing my inner feelings with her or something

But, I didn't know, and I told her so. She said "check in with your body, how do you feel?" and my mind just went blank, my body went numb, I felt nothing. So she had me look at a list of feelings and see what fit.

All I could get was "anxious" and "vulnerable", but that lead to a really important point in my therapy (and the point of this post). Because T asked me "can you identify what you are anxious about?" and I thought, and took a deep breath, and said something that I had posted on another thread here earlier today. So thank you to Jexa for that thread!

I said: It's scary to come here, and be open, and let you see me. It's difficult, and it's scary. You have a lot of power."

This was HUGE for me, it was so hard to tell her that, but I did it, and I even looked at her while I said it. It was a really powerful moment for me.

T said: thank you for reinforcing that for me. Sometimes I think that after you've been coming here for a while you get more comfortable, and I need that reminder"

And I told her that it's difficult for me to remember how I felt when I first started coming, but that I'm sure I AM *more* comfortable, but that's not comfortable. She thanked me again for telling her and for reminding her of that.

I am a little worried now that T might think there's something about her that makes me uncomfortable, that's not it at all. It's just being so open and vulnerable.

What do you guys think, I know you don't know my T (I don't really know her either, lol) but do you think she could have taken it as something about HER that's difficult? I hope not.

That's amazing Zooropa! I am so proud of you.
That DOES sound like a poweful moment.

From what you described about her response, it sounds like completely understood what what you said. I wouldn't worry at all that she thinks she makes you uncomfortable. She sounds wonderful.

BIG high five to zoo for opening up to your T about this!! Way to go!

I don't think your T would have thought it was something she did. I don't think my T would have thought that, and if I were a T, I wouldn't have thought that. I think I would have thought, I'm glad I got this reminder and that zoo was willing to share these feelings. It is easy to forget the power you have when helping others becomes your day-in, day-out job.

I might have thought, how can I help zoo be more comfortable here? How can I make it more safe for her in this room? How can I get her more comfortable with being vulnerable? But these are good things for your T to be thinking about..

Zoo you are progressing toward healing.. I'm so glad your T is such a good one and so on your side. And I think it's pretty awesome that you work SO hard toward healing. Even though it is hard to be vulnerable, you are doing everything in your power to open up and let T see those old wounds so she can help you clean them out so they can heal properly.

It is more than a bit intimidating when you think about how much power a therapist has over you (or maybe it's just me that is freaked out by this). She has all this power, power that I have willingly given over to her.

The fact that you could get that out, looking directly at her, HUGE step.

Like any step into the unknown it is only natural to second guess every aspect of it. If you trust her enough to have told her that, then you can probally trust her enough to have understood exactly what you meant.

Well, I am just amazed you could say this.
In person.
Out loud.
You know exactly how you feel after all

Zoo! VERY cool!!!! Way to go!
I sense that maybe you being able to say those words might allow you to say even more the next time. It kinda goes like that sometimes - the more we share, the easier it is to share a bit more.

I am amazed, too. I said it! In person! Out loud! I'm so proud of me.

And thank you all for your responses, it's so validating. My T said today that I need to reinforce myself more, and find other people to reinforce me so when I share things w/them that are big and personal for me, they can be my cheerleaders. <--closest thing I could find to a cheerleader :P

So I told her about this place, it's really the first time I've mentioned it to her, and I didn't use the name because , but I told her "I'm part of an online community of other people in therapy and they DO reinforce me, a lot." And I also shared with her how coming here and contributing, not just getting support when I need it but offering support too, is doing one of the DBT skills and gives even MORE back to me. She was happy.

((((((((((((((((((((Zooropa)))))))))))))))))))))

Just wanted to give you some hugs:

Thank you for sharing all of this.
You made my whole day.

Zoopra-
I'm glad you were able to share that all with your T. Did you get a chance to share about this weekend? I hope so.

Lots of hugs for you.

Zooropa, you did good. You have every reason to feel proud of yourself!!

I HATE when my T asks me what I am feeling in hte moment because that SAME exact thing happens to me

I am proud of you, good for you for figuring out in session AND saying it out loud! I know to some it doesn't seem like a big deal, but I understand a million percent.

My T has asked me outright if I am uncomfortable with her because its soooooo hard for me to open up in T. I shifted about and just said "I don't know." lol. But she didn't seem to take offense to it. The amount of times I've talked about how nervous I am has been about 75% of my therapy! She did tell me the other week that she wouldn't continue to keep seeing me if she didn't think I wanted to change, so that helped.

It is so hard, and I'm proud! I also don't think she's worried about her making you uncomfortable in the way that she is worried about herself, but more what she can do to make you feel safer.

Wow, zoo....I am in awe. You rock!!

Great work, zooropa!!

we did talk about the weekend, a little bit. She asked me what I did to not od on Sat night, the night I called her. I told her about calling the local crisis line and their phones being down, we both kind of laughed at that.

then I told her an online friend gave me an 800# to call (thanks so much, googley! ) and about the song I heard when I was on hold, and that I did talk to someone at that number but hearing that song right then was pretty much all it took to give me a little hope. She understood that, we have talked a lot about my music and how it gets me through.

I also told her that I did imagery in the form of imagining my kids going to my funeral. It's not the feel-good type imagery that I think she would prefer I use, but it WORKS.

And I told her about coming here and getting and giving support.

I didn't, however, talk to her about how I felt sort of abandoned or unimportant after I talked to her Sat night. It didn't seem like it mattered in the moment, to go back over that. T said "you're still alive, that's what I care about"

I had to ask her again as I left if I could call her this week, and she apologized for not remembering to tell me (last week she asked if I need to hear that from her every week and I said yes...) and she said yes, please call me! Not, call me if you need to, but please call me. It made me feel good, to be able AGAIN to ask for what I needed and to AGAIN have a validating and compassionate response. I felt cared for.

I'm glad that you were able to tell her how you coped. I hope in the future you are able to tell her how you felt rejected. I think that is important for her to know.

I have had to ask my T over and over again if I could call her if I needed to. Usually if I felt specially out of it at the end of session. My old T was totally good with that and would say 'yes' every time, knowing that I just needed to ask to make sure. My new T doesn't seem to have that understanding yet (we'll have to talk about it) and just seemed surprised when I asked a couple weeks in a row. Saying 'of course you can call'. But I don't think she understood my need to hear it ever week when I felt unsettled. So I totally understand needing to hear that it is okay to call. I'm glad that your T told you that she wants you to call. That is so awesome.

Very good work Z!!

That is great!

I told my T about being here too. I was trying to describe the community, with all the support and occasional arguments and all the different rooms and nooks and corners and all. He said, "Wow, it sounds like the mind!" LOL

omg i totally get this too. Going along in "i'm ok in T auto pilot" mode and then *wham!* she asks that and all goes blank and numb.

I would think not - but you won't know until you ask her... will you ask her? But I would think that Ts see soooooooooooooooooooooo many "clients" that they are simply being "humans in their jobs" and forget how freakin scary and hard and freaky it can be for us to sit in front of a dr, therapist, specialist, counselor, lcsw and attempt to spill our guts out to.

Oh my Zooropa!

I swear we have the same T, they sound SO much the same. Yeah! for you for getting that out! I KNOW the feeling of not wanting to be seen, especially then. I am sure your T won't take that personally, I think it might be common for those who have had really tough pasts. This is a really good thing for your T to know because she will start to notice you trying to hide and will help you stay with her during the hard times. I slouch as far as I can get into the loveseat sometimes, I wish the loveseat would swallow me up. lol

My T also asks what and where I am feeling things and sometimes I honestly don't know. Some times I don't know and sometimes it is because I am dissociating too. I think she uses it as a gauge of where I am in the moment.

I think part of your T asking you is not so much for her to "catch you" but for you to recognize the feelings yourself. The more and more my T has done this, slowly I am actually knowing what different feelings feel like instead of being numb. Showing feelings were not safe for me as a child, but it is now and I am not as scared as the really hard ones like sadness and anger. It gets easier and eventually when your T asks you this, you will just answer her and go on like it isn't a big deal. But showing emotions as an adult is really hard if you were taught to suppress them especially for safety. It feels SO vulnerable and I hate that feeling still but I am learning to move through it.

You are doing great work and you were really brave. I think I know where you are coming from, and what you did in your session is HUGE! I see it as you trusting her more and this leads to great things. You can't make it happen all at once, but you are going in the right direction.

I think once we can identify our emotions, we soon can learn to tolerate them more because not knowing what we are feeling is a lot more scarier than knowing. When you allow your T to see you (which you did a lot of that in your session) you will allow yourself to trust yourself that you will be okay in that moment. When this slowly happens, much healing will take place. I am so excited for you!

thank you, exotic

My T and I have talked alot about the difference between how I feel and how I look. I have learned through my life to hide what I'm feeling, always. It is SO SO SO hard to show that, even a little, even in the safety of therapy.

I think my T is really perceptive so she has learned to see the little clues in my behavior that show what I'm feeling inside, but I'm sure it's hard. I just feel like I have to hide my feelings to be safe, even when I don't want to hide my feelings, letting it all hang out is just toooo scary.

I'm sure this is why I haven't cried in T. I'm waiting for the day when I will cry, and I have a feeling my T is, too. I hope it comes. I hope I'm able to feel something and let it show and learn that it's ok to do that.