After 2 1/2 years of therapy, it's finally happened. I think my feelings about T are starting to feel like...I don't know, a crush or something (I so hope this doesn't get moved though!) I am miserable. If anyone else came to PC and said they felt like this, I would be nothing but understanding, gentle and accepting. But since it's me, I am upset, disappointed, and stressed. I want NOTHING more than to just numb out. I wrote T an e-mail and I will take it with me to therapy. I'm kind of hoping just bringing the feelings out into the open will make them dissipate. I hope so. Because, UGH!

E-mail I wrote:

I am having a hard time with my big big big big big big feelings for you. Or about you. Or whatever. Today I was drying my hair and wondering what you were doing right then and I realized how much of my thoughts you take up. I can't believe I am saying this, but it feels a little bit like being in love. Its overwhelming. And I don't know what to do. Do I push it away? Or do I embrace it? Do I distract myself with my own life? Or do I talk to you about it and let myself feel it and see where it takes me in the whole healing thing? Is it PART of the healing? Or is it a distraction from the healing? Knowing you will never ever ever ever feel the
same way about me is painful. And what's the point of that pain?

I feel like this is a feeling I've really successfully avoided during all of these hours and hours and hours and months and years of therapy. My love for you is huge, for sure, but it feels parental, or brotherly, or mentor-ish, or like a friend....or like you're my beloved therapist. But this new "in love" feeling is just like....ugh. Am I obsessing about being in love because it distracts me from the hard work we're doing? Or is this PART of the hard work?

I know that in therapy, sometimes "bringing things into the light" does make them smaller and easier to manage. Will this be like that? How can I know?

Ugh, help.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

After 2 1/2 years of therapy, it's finally happened. I think my feelings about T are starting to feel like...I don't know, a crush or something (I so hope this doesn't get moved though!) I am miserable. If anyone else came to PC and said they felt like this, I would be nothing but understanding, gentle and accepting. But since it's me, I am upset, disappointed, and stressed. I want NOTHING more than to just numb out. I wrote T an e-mail and I will take it with me to therapy. I'm kind of hoping just bringing the feelings out into the open will make them dissipate. I hope so. Because, UGH!

E-mail I wrote:

I am having a hard time with my big big big big big big feelings for you. Or about you. Or whatever. Today I was drying my hair and wondering what you were doing right then and I realized how much of my thoughts you take up. I can't believe I am saying this, but it feels a little bit like being in love. Its overwhelming. And I don't know what to do. Do I push it away? Or do I embrace it? Do I distract myself with my own life? Or do I talk to you about it and let myself feel it and see where it takes me in the whole healing thing? Is it PART of the healing? Or is it a distraction from the healing? Knowing you will never ever ever ever feel the
same way about me is painful. And what's the point of that pain?

I feel like this is a feeling I've really successfully avoided during all of these hours and hours and hours and months and years of therapy. My love for you is huge, for sure, but it feels parental, or brotherly, or mentor-ish, or like a friend....or like you're my beloved therapist. But this new "in love" feeling is just like....ugh. Am I obsessing about being in love because it distracts me from the hard work we're doing? Or is this PART of the hard work?

I know that in therapy, sometimes "bringing things into the light" does make them smaller and easier to manage. Will this be like that? How can I know?

Ugh, help.

Oh tree, (((( HUGS ))))....

I think it's amazing that you are addressing this head on with your T. That is sooo soooo sooooooo brave, and I am sure it will lead to some really important things - as hard as it is.

Just popping back in to say I sent the e-mail.

Off to crawl into a hole or something.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Just popping back in to say I sent the e-mail.

Off to crawl into a hole or something.

ACK! I know the anxiety that comes from sending an e-mail....and now the waiting game begins. I hope you are able to keep yourself super busy to get through the wait....

I prepared an e-mail last night to T about my fear of needing him, and I haven't sent it yet....And I'm glad I didn't because I'd be freaking out right about now. LOL....I don't know if I'll have the courage to send it to him. I don't think I could look him in the eye when I see him next at group T...and waiting til Thursday to talk about it...Not wanting to talk about it....EVER....would be so triggering for me....and he wants me not to take the klonopin....Nice. Can you say FULL PANIC ATTACK??? LOL

Sorry to ramble on.....

I am so glad that you have such a wonderful, trusting relationship with T in order to be able to address something like this....

[WePow]

(((((((((( tree! ))))))))))))

You have been through so much. And finally, you have a HUMAN who loves you, who cares about you, who wants to try to help you help yourself, who makes you feel empowered, who teaches you how to love the little tree inside!

Why would you NOT totally and unconditionally LOVE your T !!!!

I think it is a very wonderful and healthy bond. You are not the type to just cross the rules and do actions that would not be in your normal character. So I would say to fully embrace this wonderful emotion!! Allow yourself to enjoy being able (perhaps for the first time ever?) to honestly love and trust another human - someone you do not fear is going to harm you.

Big big hugs to a wonderful Tree!!! ( does that make me a tree hugger? )

[Hope4joy]

Hi Tree -

Ugh - I so get where you are. I started feeling this way for T about 6 months ago and did everything in the book to avoid it. Ruptures, canceling appointments, withdrawing. You name it. I finally realized that these feelings exist in all of our relationships whether we want them to or not. But I was horrified.

I finally found the courage to openly express all my feelings and thankfully, I have a T who not only has rock solid boundaries, but also the training to work with me in understanding not only is this normal but often a sign that "really good" work is happening. I am learning so much about how I attach and why. We also celebrate that I can feel these things in the first place!

Unfortunately, there are T's out there who aren't ethical or simply don't have the training to deal with it. It sounds from your posts that your T is a good one.

Anyway, big kudos to you for addressing it. Try to go easy on yourself as you navigate through it.

Hope

[darkrunner]

You are so brave, Treehouse. Really.
I think it is really normal to have such big feelings for someone who has shared so much with you and been witness to so much of your past.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Just popping back in to say I sent the e-mail.

Off to crawl into a hole or something.

[ECHOES]

tree, do you think these feelings are showing you how much trust you have and how safe you feel with T?

[rainbow8]

(((((tree)))))

I'm actually very surprised that you are just NOW feeling like you're in love with your T. I've been in love with him just by reading about how wonderful he is!! It's inevitable that you feel that way, since you have such an amazing close relationship with him already. I'm SURE he will handle your feelings with gentleness, caring, and professionalism the way he handles your feelings about everything else.

DON'T WORRY!!

[Sannah]

Very good Tree for facing this head on! I think it is a natural evolution of your therapy relationship considering where you came from and where you are going. I am totally confident that you 2 will work through this, especially if you you start to work on the relationship with your husband eventually.

[elliemay]

I just want to re-iterate what others on this thread ve indicated. The way you feel about your T is quite normal.

Who wouldn't begin to experience feelings of love toward a person that is kind, shows us regard, is accepting and receptive?

It's a natural extension of being human and shows that, despite all that we have been through, that there is a part of us that can still respond to kindness, and that can still manage to love. On some level, they feel good, at least they did for me.

These feelings that you have do not have to derail the therpay, or drive a wedge between you and your therapist. You don't have to run from them, although you may have to sit with them a while.

Some therapists actually view the development of these feelings to be a very positive sign that the therapy is working. Especially those therapists who believe a good relationship is the basis for the essential work of therapy to begin.

Don't let the horror stories frighten you, two people can sit in a room and continue to work and hold the loving feelings in the room. They don't spoil anything.

Your therapist will likely accept these feelings as natural outgrowth of your growing trust. He owes you the respect and the respect for your therapy to keep them safe, honor them, and continue to help move your therapy forward.

I truly believe it's okay, it's really really okay.

[moonrise]

Your T is amazing, Tree. He can handle your powerful feelings. He's safe. He's strong. And he cares about you deeply. I think your pain about your love for him says a great deal.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

(((((tree)))))

I'm actually very surprised that you are just NOW feeling like you're in love with your T. I've been in love with him just by reading about how wonderful he is!! It's inevitable that you feel that way, since you have such an amazing close relationship with him already. I'm SURE he will handle your feelings with gentleness, caring, and professionalism the way he handles your feelings about everything else.

DON'T WORRY!!

Yep! Tree...this is just INCREDIBLE. I agree with everyone here. It is an outgrowth of how safe you feel with him. I am so so so so so proud of you for being SO HONEST and writing him that email and addressing it right away.

YOU

ARE

AMAZING

Your T will handle it beautifully, like he does every other thing.

[zooropa]

tree, you have amazed me, yet again. Your bond with your T, the pair that you two are, it is such an inspiration. If any therapist/client pair can navigate these waters successfully, it is you two. And IMO you are doing just the right thing, by bringing it into the light. Ignoring it, stuffing it, hiding it, hiding FROM it, minimizing it, all those types of behaviors are what have brought a lot of us into the therapy in the first place, am I right?

I am so proud of you for writing that email, which I thought you were going to print and bring into session on Monday. When I read that you actually sent it to him already, my jaw dropped. I already had so much respect for you, but...wow. You continually take risks and are so open and honest with your T, it is why you are healing, Tree. It is why you are getting better, it is why you are starting to see what it's going to be like to have a life worth living. I want to be Tree when I grow up.

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by treehouse

.. I'm kind of hoping just bringing the feelings out into the open will make them dissipate. I hope so. Because, UGH!

Yeah. UGH. I did bring them into the open for the same reason, hoping it would make it easier. Hope your T has decent training or experience in this area. Mine does not (IMHO).

So, I'm tired after all this time of finding myself thinking about him every day. And the only way I can think of to "get over" him is to move on with my life. That's how I got over the other transference attachments in my past (teacher/professor). I graduated. I kept in touch for a while but then I just started to live my real life and stopped writing. The relationship meant so much more to me than to the professor (him/her), who was like a parent/friend/mentor to me.

I do think a really talented T can use the transference as a way to explore certain issues. I wish mine would, but he does not have that in his repertoire. Maybe I find someone else who does? The best thing I have learned from my T is that therapy is not scary, weird or bad. He's made me comfortable, and it's a huge gift. And, like those college professors, I love him so much, but it's not enough of a reason to stay.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by treehouse

If anyone else came to PC and said they felt like this, I would be nothing but understanding, gentle and accepting. But since it's me, I am upset, disappointed, and stressed.

Well then, can you at least be understanding, gentle and accepting about being upset, disappointed, and stressed?

-------------------------
Something tells me you already are, whether you're ready to admit it or not -- but of course that's just me.
-------------------------

Is it PART of the healing? Or is it a distraction from the healing?

I'd bet on: both. It's "distracting" you from one part of the healing into another that's neither more nor less important but that just happens to be what's up next for you.

I know that in therapy, sometimes "bringing things into the light" does make them smaller and easier to manage. Will this be like that? How can I know?

Well, I can think of one way to find out... which, it appears, you're already doing.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Just popping back in to say I sent the e-mail.

Off to crawl into a hole or something.

Wanted to throw in a selective "Thanks for this!" -- addressed to only, not to .

[MissCharlotte]

(Tree)
I think the feelings of love are a natural evolution of the therapeutic relationship. After all, there is nothing at all in the world like the intimacy of the therapeutic relationship. And we grew up thinking that there were a finite number of relationships available, friend, lover, parent, child, husband, relatives. And then we find ourselves in a relationship that we don't know how to categorize. We might say, "hmmm, where does this belong?" On top of all that, we may have grown up in a family where intimacy = sex because of the acting out of the adults around us who were supposed to be teaching us how to have healthy relationships; and all that leads to a great big heap of confusion, because we became conditioned to think that dysfunction was the norm. What we are learning is that intimate relationships can exists without sexualized acting out. I think you are amazing in your ability to articulate your frustrations and curiosity.

WOW. I am almost moved to tears by the kindness and acceptance and encouragement in all of these replies. Really and truly. Thank you SO much.

I haven't heard back from T yet, which is a little strange (because I had to send a second e-mail about a scheduling question for tomorrow). I'm guessing he has something going on that's making it hard for him to get on e-mail.

At this point, I don't regret sending him the e-mail AT ALL. I would expect myself to be all spiraly, but I'm not (yet!). I think I have this hope that we can just move THROUGH it quickly and I can feel "normal" again. Maybe wishful thinking

Everyone's replies helped me so, so, so much. I've already read them a few times, and I know I'll read them again and again.

I feel so lucky to have this board.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Tree))))) I have to echo what Rainbow said about falling in love with your T. I have been in love with him for a very long time! His relationship with you is the epitome of what we look for in a relationship with anyone. Yet, it is a theraputic relationship where you trust him with your soul and it must be the natural evolution of a relationship that consists of so much caring and thought for you. Maybe these feelings have been there for a long time, but you feel safe enough to bring them up to T? After what you recently shared with him and the closeness you felt with him, you know he is a safe place to work out any and all of your deepest feelings. You are so incredibly fortunate to be able to go to this place with him.

I agree with Miss C. It seems to be a relationsip we dont know how to categorize and it is sad that we grew up in homes that confused intimacy and love with sexualizing all love and intimacy. I know I did and I still struggle with separating the two. It seems impossible. But I know T WILL show you, as he already has, that he is safely and lovingly accepting of ALL of Tree. And it isnt sexualized. How powerfully healing and beautiful.

[kitten16]

This is amazing

The intimacy of the therapeutic session -- the isolation from the outer world, the physical solitude and togetherness with this shadowy other person we never really know, the quietness and closeness, the air of sacredness and respect, can feel (when it's working) like the highest form of love, a real merging of souls. I think it's happened to you. (It hasn't happened, quite, with my own T yet. I want it and dread it at the same time, for all the reasons you mentioned.).

MissCharlotte hit it on the head about the nature of the relationship -- it's uncategorizeable. That's such a huge part of why it's so difficult. There really is nothing else like therapists in the rest of our lives.

I keep wishing my T weren't so hot, and that he could be like Pat (played by Julia Sweeney) from that Saturday Night Live skit from the 80s. Pat was a person of indeterminate gender, and all her associates were constantly trying to figure out what it was. "So, Pat, who are you going out with tonight? The girls, or the boys?" Pat would say, "My co-workers." "Pat, what magazine are you reading? Field & Stream, or Cosmopolitan?" Pat said, "People." I wish my T were like that -- or maybe more like some bloodless angel on a firy pedestal, a figure who might still inspire my worshipful adoration, but who would simultaneously keep me safe from the dread hearts-and-flowers mush coursing through my system at the moment. It's the occasional glimpses of his humanness, the fact that he gets embarassed, that he can't hide his judgments and reactions from me, that he's not perfect, that he's just a bit vulnerable, that he messes up and keeps on trying -- that's what gets me so hot and bothered

I agree, the feeling is awful.

Like others here, I'm inspired by you, and by your T. He's the bar I hold mine to. I'm very interested to see how he responds. Pulling for you!