[sunrise]

I was thinking the other day that sometimes therapy can change one so that other people find you, well, obnoxious. I'm not sure if that is the right word.

Here is an example: I have become much better at being able to detect what I am feeling over the last 3+ years, due to therapy. Sometimes I just have to pause for a moment and "listen" to what is going on inside of myself, and sometimes I can hear the feeling that is arising. Sometimes I use a compare and match strategy. Like a person may say something and I will take that and compare it to my inner state and be able to pronounce, "yes, that's it," or "no, that's not what I mean (or feel)." I will often use the word "resonate" to describe the match: "That really resonates with me" or "that doesn't really resonate with me."

Well, I said this to someone--about resonating--and they made fun of me for that statement. I think it somewhat annoyed them, in fact. Is "that doesn't resonate with me" too therapy-speakish? Does it seem, well, like a stupid and annoying statement to some people? Laughable? I am not sure this is really even a phrase I use in therapy, and I know I didn't learn it in therapy (like I did "boundary"), but I think I use it more since therapy because I can detect resonance better. I am more in tune with my feelings so I know if I resonate or not.

Does that make sense? Should I stop annoying people by saying things like that? Or should I forge on and annoy them? I must admit that the person who was annoyed is someone I do not really resonate with.

Does anyone else find that people are annoyed with them for changes since therapy?

[Mike_J]

I doesn't seem to have made me obnoxious, in fact my wife has commented several times how much more conciderate I am now, as compaired to a few years ago. I have told her she needs to send a thank you note to my therapist, but she isn't a big believer in therapy, her explination is that I finallly pulled my head out of my *****

I don't think it's annoying necessarily....it probably just makes other people who don't regularly use those "therapy words" do a double-take.

I live in a crunchy hippy town, and people here use a lot of yoga terms and alternative medicine terms....it's not unusual to be in a casual conversation with a stranger about how "centered" they feel and how they need to "meditate on that" or go spend some time breathing.

For me, the therapy terms I've picked up are "being present" and I often find myself saying "I hear you" when someone is expressing themselves.

[googley]

(((((Sunrise))))))

I don't think that is obnoxious. I think the person (or people) was just annoyed that you were able to speak up for yourself and contradict them and their assumption. Just because we make positive changes in our lives doesn't mean that people around us are necessarily going to like them. They may be annoyed that we have changed and stand up for ourselves when they are used to us always agreeing with them, or always doing what they want. So I don't think it is wrong at all to say that it doesn't resonate with you. Stand up for yourself and your feelings.

[chaotic13]

Your comments seem to ring true for me too. :-) I don't know if people consider me more obnoxious but they have notices that I am more likely to speak up when they say something that doesn't sit well with me. I think I know what I like and what I don't like more now. I know for a while H would frequently get pissed at me because he was used to bulldozing me and I would let him. But, now I am less likely now to do or say things that I don't really mean or want to do. So...I guess H might have some negative things to say about the changes I've made.

One other way I've changed that some people might not like is...I have very little interest in superficial BS kind of conversation. Now I think I listen more closely to what people are saying, ask for clairity if they are being vague, and am more active in making sure there is genuine understanding.

IDK...I think overall the changes I've made have been seen by others as more positive than negative.

This kind of reminds me of a song lyric (in terms of outsiders' perspectives on therapy):

"And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............"
-Dar Williams, What do you hear in these sounds

Anyway, I don't think "resonate" is such a therapy-y word..I find myself sometimes saying something about "processing" which I think is even more therapy-speakish, LOL. I mean, if you were constantly talking about your therapy or your T to other people (like, "Well, my T says...") I could see that being annoying. But simply using the term "resonate"? Nah. I don't think so.

[deliquesce]

oh sunny, i would probably giggle a bit at "resonate", or be put off, depending on the person who said it. it does seem very therapy-speak to me. in a similar situation to what you describe, i would probably reflect and come out with "yeah, that sounds right" or "mmmm, naaaaaaaaaah" . and to think that i topped university english...

i dont know if therapy has made me more obnoxious - probably to my parents, i guess, when i refuse to get drawn in to some dynamics (i still have a lot of work to do though).

i think if anything has made me more obnoxious its my major in philsophy . i know a lot of people who get upset when i disagree with their theories on conceptual grounds. it's no good to be doing research in psychology and to actually use your brain, apparently .

[pachyderm]

No, I was obnoxious to begin with.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

no, i was obnoxious to begin with.

--sunny--

[Brightheart]

People have often responded this way to me when I have expressed the sentiment that so often runs through my heart and soul. Therapy helped me feel free to let those emotions out, but sometimes folks not in therapy think I'm a little bit strange. The fact is, I love accessing the deeper aspects of myself.

One thing I do have to watch myself from doing is analyzing friends all of the time. I am so aware of my inner therapist voice now that I have to remember sometimes to tame it and simply act as a friend. This is sometimes a challenge.

Resonate? Awesome word.

Originally Posted by sunrise

I am more in tune with my feelings so I know if I resonate or not.

maybe this is what they were reacting to? the "in tune with your feelings" part even though you didn't explicitly say that. i don't think saying something resonates or not is obnoxious or weird or out there though, but then again i do live a stone's throw from hollywood. i think it's good to be in touch with our feelings as long as it doesn't make us annoyingly self-focused.

[dfh932]

Wow i cant believe how many of these things are exact things i do!

Sunrise.....Therapy-speak--I do it too all the time now. I think people definitely are like "huh" sometimes but its okay because it's just who I am/you are. It's not nice to make fun of people...and don't people usually make fun of people b/c they feel threatened? like maybe the person didn't really understand the meaning of the word or felt like it was a deep thought they couldn't handle. Which is good and fine and okay I think.

Chaotic 13 I have been driving my H crazy trying not to give in to our old patterns of fights and drama. I can so relate to that, and also to not just blindly going where he wants to, eating what he wants, etc. etc. It was scary at first, but is getting easier. I thought he would hate it but he seems to be ...adjusting okay. But its like changing the way we interact is a big shock to their system, and they lose control a little...

Also with the less BS talk...Definitely have this ...some people like it, some don't but overall i think people really like to be heard and considered...usually the people who don't want that kind of connection are the ones who want to control the dynamic, or have insecurity or use ways of communicating that dont' really allow for connection or clarity ..so they think it's dumb or not fun to be all present and aware and engaged.
Brightheart...i have been compulsively analyzing my friends !! So far they like it and think i have like some kind of something special when i say "T said" this or that...but also they don't like it when I let it slip what i really think about stuff they do (internet/texting affair? your H doesn't know? hmmm not ok!) so i have got to chill out with that.

Plus, it's kind of freaking exhausting and makes me appreciate T sooo much because it can be hard to care about other people and yourself and be open, and resonating, and present, and hearing others. Like, it's a huge deal In the best kind of way.

but I would not worry about being obnxious sunrise you are connecting with yourself and being a real person and maybe people are threatened by that, or you are passing them up on the maturity level...but it's all good things, happy things for you because you are being true to yourself.
(((((((((((((sunrise)))))))))))))

I notice people's boundaries (or lack thereof) a lot more now that I am seeing a good T. I use the word, too, w/out really thinking about it, since he uses it a lot...as I am regularly, ahem, testing his...

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

No, I was obnoxious to begin with.

[chaotic13]

Pachy...LOL

[Melbadaze]

perhaps the bigger question is, why do you want to annoy someone? Perhaps use of therapy to understand that would be more valuable? Dunno

[Lamplighter]

Have to say I use the word resonate a lot when I’m talking to people who are also in therapy (like on forums ) but don't use it with anyone else. I would tend to say instead ‘that makes a lot of sense to me’.

To be honest psychspeak drives me crazy - I particularly hate it when people say things like ‘thank you for sharing that with me’ and ‘I want to explore something with you’ - it sounds so contrived and makes me experience the person as fake. For that reason I’m being quite careful not to adopt psychspeak into my own language - it would be very easy to tell someone that they are crossing my boundaries for instance but my natural authentic way of saying that would be ‘get out of my face!’ (or more politely ‘you’re making me feel uncomfortable’.)

Having said that, sometimes psychspeak seems like the simplest and clearest way to explain something, and anyway I probably only have a thing against it because of the connotations of conformity it has for me, a big issue for me. So no criticisms intended of anyone

[darkrunner]

Sunrise,
This is interesting.
I think my H is more annoyed with me about the *lack* of changes in me since I've been in therapy.
So, I think no matter what, we will always be annoying to some people.
You can't please everyone all the time, right?
I wouldn't bother censoring yourself to make sure other's aren't annoyed.
Be true to yourself - and be proud of all you've learned in therapy, and the positive changes you've internalized. It is a big success!

[BlackCanary]

I think it's hard, when you have years of NOT expressing your opinion, of being bulldozed or suffering in silence, to use your voice to express your concern or pleasure and NOT think of yourself as being obnoxious.

We don't have experience in having others hear our opinions.

I used to hold things in until I was furious, so people always saw me as angry or defensive. But after a few months of therapy, I could sense discomfort inside AND know that I needed to address it immediately and not let it fester into an anger bomb.

So, in a brainstorming discussion I'd say "Perhaps you don't realize it, but you've been making a face each time I speak and not writing up my contribution".
Before, I'd have let it go, been angry for weeks and not wanted to help with the planned changes because my voice was not heard.
Now, the recorder looked momentarily offended but she started to write up everyone's contributions. No one else thought I was obnoxious (I asked later), I was told, of course you said it, it was happening.

i agree with what's being said here. We do not become obnoxious, i believe we just find our voice. I was a push-over for everyone, kids, ex-h (hence=x), work, my mother and now I can say "no" or when people try to give me their problems, my catch phrase right off the bat is "let me know how that works out for you" or "good question" I wouldn't use the word resonate but only because it is not part of my vocab,, but i think we learn certain "catch phrases" in therapy and apply them to the real world. My ex couldn't handle this at all and it took me years of therapy to get the courage to divorce him, I thought my kids would hate me and they actually chose to live with me. I was the more stable parent, just took therapy to realize that.... You are not obnoxious, just finding your voice. I, for one, am proud of you!!!

[sunrise]

thanks for all the comments--I can see a lot to relate to here.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

oh sunny, i would probably giggle a bit at "resonate", or be put off, depending on the person who said it. it does seem very therapy-speak to me.

and

Originally Posted by griffinp

I don't think it's annoying necessarily....it probably just makes other people who don't regularly use those "therapy words" do a double-take.

LOL, I know, Deli. And I don't even perceive "resonate" to be at therapy word since I used it on occasion before I even began therapy (we have never said that in therapy), but it just comes out of my mouth more frequently now since I can better detect my feelings. Griffin, my town probably isn't as "crunchy" as yours, but I think there's a fair bit of the yoga-type speak here too, so saying "resonate" doesn't sound too strange among the natives. That may explain why this particular person seemed annoyed and mocked me--she is from a different part of the country, and I would guess that phrase isn't used there much, and if it is, it might be cause for derision. So to be charitable, her reaction may be because of where she is from.

One of the best things I learned to say from my T (and it actually was outside of therapy that I learned to say this from him--in his other role), was to let the other person know they were heard/understood, and this can remove some tension. So after the person has said something, I learned to respond with "I understand what you are saying...." and then finish the sentence with "but I don't agree," and then explain my point of view. That way the other person doesn't get stuck on thinking that you just don't understand them and that if they only explained themselves more, you would get it. It is OK to disagree--big lesson for me!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Brightheart

One thing I do have to watch myself from doing is analyzing friends all of the time.

I don't think I do that with friends so much, but I do think I listen to and understand my kids better because of therapy. I think I am better at listening to what is behind their words (because they can't articulate it) and thus understanding their meaning and position better.

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

perhaps the bigger question is, why do you want to annoy someone?

Melba, if you are addressing me, I think you have misunderstood. I didn't want to annoy anyone, it was that I used a certain phrase and someone else was annoyed by it. I would just as soon that she hadn't been annoyed. (I actually think I have the opposite problem from wanting to annoy people--I worry I will annoy people or cause conflict and so I try to be appeasing, similar to what some others have described here. But over the last few years, through therapy, I have gotten a lot better at that.)

Originally Posted by jbmomg

i believe we just find our voice

jbmomg, everything you wrote in your post completely resonated with me.

[kim_johnson]

I've wondered about this question for myself. I remember when I did DBT the thing I hated the most was the DBT speak. One couldn't just say one was going for a walk anymore. No, instead one was 'distracting' or 'soothing' or whatever. Keeping the diary where you were supposed to record the skills you practiced meant that the people in the group started thinking of everything they did in DBT skills terms. I... Didn't want to do that. Didn't want to alienate myself from the rest of society by doing that.

I do think that therapy makes me self focused. But then lack of therapy makes me self focused, too, so kind of hard to say. When you are just learning to get in touch with feelings a person can go through a phase of thinking that everyone wants to hear about them as much as ones therapist does or something. I'm not saying that is what is going on with you, but it is something that has happened to me at times and something that I've noticed in others at times.

There are some useful things that I've got out of therapy too, though. Conflict resolution and looking at the other persons intention charitably etc. I'm not good with gossip anymore because I'm identifying with the person more. People do think that is odd and 'therapy-ish' but I really don't mind that one.

I dunno.

[Melbadaze]

Sunrise, ok yeah I must have misunderstood. I think we all want to improve ourselves, I do it by reading better books, not to good on words and T always tends to use simple terminology...if the word you use feels comfortable for you then use it, if it feels uncomfortable than dont..

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I was thinking the other day that sometimes therapy can change one so that other people find you, well, obnoxious...

Therapy is bound to make more of you available. People who were going to find you obnoxious anyway may find more to react to than they would with someone who was keeping a lower profile. Chances are, that's going to be more of a problem for them than it'll ever be for you or for your other friends. If their previous "good" opinion of you was based on their being able to suppress, exploit or manipulate you and now you'll no longer stand for that, you might actually be better off without them. In time, their disappointment might even drive them to seek therapy.

Here is an example: I have become much better at being able to detect what I am feeling over the last 3+ years, due to therapy. Sometimes I just have to pause for a moment and "listen" to what is going on inside of myself, and sometimes I can hear the feeling that is arising....

That sounds like exactly what's supposed to happen. Your therapy must be working.

Well, I said this to someone--about resonating--and they made fun of me for that statement. I think it somewhat annoyed them, in fact. Is "that doesn't resonate with me" too therapy-speakish? Does it seem, well, like a stupid and annoying statement to some people?

It may. Then again, if they're the ones who have a problem with it (and are using that as an excuse to act obnoxious themselves), a little therapy speak might be just the thing to keep them at a safe distance.

Originally Posted by sunrise

That may explain why this particular person seemed annoyed and mocked me--she is from a different part of the country, and I would guess that phrase isn't used there much, and if it is, it might be cause for derision. So to be charitable, her reaction may be because of where she is from.

To be charitable, it sounds like she wasn't feeling very charitable for whatever reason?

Originally Posted by sunrise

I actually think I have the opposite problem from wanting to annoy people--I worry I will annoy people or cause conflict and so I try to be appeasing, similar to what some others have described here. But over the last few years, through therapy, I have gotten a lot better at that.

Wait, you've gotten better at appeasing -- or at noticing yourself wanting to, and choosing when to appease and when not to? Or was that an obnoxious question?