[lily99]

I was a total mess in session yesterday. We've started working through my attachment feelings for her, and it's been so much harder than I thought.

Yesterday was a bad day. I was walking down the street on my way to session when I fell over and hurt my ankle. There were people walking past and no one even bothered to help me up even though I was crying. I was pretty shaken, so I texted T to say I'd be a few minutes late. She immediately rang me back to say that I wasn't scheduled in her diary, and that she'd obviously double booked my time. So I went in an hour later.

When I got there, she was coming down the stairs with the client. She was a schoolgirl, in a uniform from a school I know...around 15 or 16. This triggered me so badly. Even though I'm an "adult" now, I still feel like my "spot" in T is the depressed girl in her school uniform..

T motioned for me to go up to the room, while she briefly talked to the girl's mother. I went to sit down, and the chair was still warm. I basically cried all session..i was so embarrassed. I eventually wrote to T what I was feeling, and we touched on how I felt like I had been replaced (I started therapy at 16, I'm now 18). I have never felt so exposed and ashamed.

I know this girl isn't me, but I couldn't help but think of all my most precious memories and breakthroughs with T...but her having them with the other girl. T smiling warmly at the other girl.

so yeah... a sprained ankle and feeling sad. hope things look up soon
thanks for reading..

[WePow]

(((((( lily ))))))) I am very sorry you hurt your ankle. And sorry others did not stop to check on you. One day when my heart was shattered, I was bawling in a public park with others just walking past me and no one cared at all. And I am sorry your T double booked. That always can make a client feel that there is no care there from T. But the truth is you know mistakes happen. And you are now stronger than you were as a child... so imagine if you were that young woman again and T double booked... What if your parent could not wait for you and you needed to see T? Your T had you go next because she knows you are strong enough to handle it and maybe that slight trip up was fate working... so the younger person (still a child) could see T instead.

Maybe another part of your pain is the loss of childhood? Maybe you could empathize with the girl you saw and maybe your heart is very tender and you do not like to even think that another girl would be suffering as you have suffered?

Big hugs to you!!!

[ECHOES]

awww lily It sounds like just about everything was hurting

I hope your ankle is feeling better today.

What a horrible day -- . I am sorry it was so bad and hope that things get better.

No reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed for crying. Crying is an emotion and it helps to let it all out. You had a crappy day and it is appropriate to have the feelings you did.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

[zooropa]

oh wow, if my T double booked me I would definitely feel rejection/abandonment, even if I knew it was just an honest mistake on her part.

Also, I think you are so brave to be open and vulnerable w/your T even though it hurts and is scary. You will grow and be stronger because of it. I cannot tolerate being that exposed w/my T and it does hold me back in therapy. You're courageous, Lily!

((((((((((((lily))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you had such a sad day.

I know it probably doesn't help to hear it right NOW...but working through that REALLY painful attachment stuff with T has been a huge, HUGE part of my healing. I don't know why, but it seems like that is the thing that makes the hole inside feel smaller. It doesn't make any sense...but it seems like feeling all of that pain somehow heals instead of hurts in the end.

When I went down to 1x/week, I felt "replaced" by any client going 2x/week (I don't even know if there ARE any). I felt like I wasn't as "special" anymore and they were taking my spot - not only in therapy, but in T's heart. Those feelings really did pass - after I talked about them, and felt them, and cried and cried.

SO many to you.

[peaches100]

Lily99,

I'm sorry to hear you had such a rotten day yesterday! I know the awful feeling of being in pain or need and having people ignore it. It really hurts, doesn't it? I want you to know that I care about you.

I can also understand why you would feel upset and sad seeing your t with one of her clients who is a young person near your own age. You want to believe and know that your relationship with your t is important and unique, not a carbon copy. If it helps you feel any better, my t told me once that although she cares about all of her patients, each relationship is different and unique and important to her. So even if it is hard to share your t's attention and caring with other clients of hers, at least know that none of those other relationships takes away what you have with her. Her caring about them does not make her care about you any less.

[lily99]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and kind responses

While I don't think this is going to get easier any time soon, it really does help to know I'm not alone in this.

it's just so confusing... this kind of relationship is so unlike any other. I feel like I can't do anything without setting myself up for hurt. ugh...but the set up feels so nice.

i think i need to sleep. thank you for replying it's made a difference

[lily99]

ok so I've not been feeling much better. hate going through these really needy stages where it feels like T is always on my mind. It's like my mind is torturing me by imagining what T is doing every moment of the day. Eg. T is probably in a session right now, T is probably having breakfast with her family right now, T is probably tucking her kids into bed right now... I'm not apart of her world. Like I need a reminder.

What makes it worse, is that I emailed her after my session on Monday, just to touch base and ask her when my next time was because I was crying so much I can't remember. She usually emails within 24-48 hours. It's now Saturday... I texted her yesterday knowing she'd be at work so she would have seen my text... no reply. I kind of want to cancel and just leave therapy alone for a while.

need a hug

[seventyeight]

(((lily))) ugh, i totally know the feeling. i don't know why this is the case with therapists (this infatuation thing) but it is so common and most of us on here "suffer" from it. anyway, i don't have any advice. just saw that you needed a hug and i thought i'd offer one as i need one too.

[ECHOES]

I think it's reasonable to assume she didn't see your message, for whatever reason; so, she can't respond.

Have you talked to her about your thoughts about her and what she's doing? Have you talked with her about what it's like to imagine her tucking her kids into bed, and maybe wishing you were one of them, being cared about with tenderness, and feeling so safe. There is nothing wrong with these thoughts. Let them come and just see what they are about for you. Notice without judging.

[lily99]

thanks ((((seventyeight))))
It isn't a great feeling These feelings haven't been this intense in a while, not for a year or so. At least I know that it can get easier. Apparently I just need to work through these feelings again.

Thank you Echoes maybe she didn't see it...I think I'll try and ring later.
No, I haven't mentioned it specifically. But she knows that my relationship with her is very important and that I think a lot. I haven't really said just how intense those thoughts are, but I suspect she knows.

I've been consciously trying to just notice things. I think mindfulness would benefit me greatly.. I should probably look into that.

Take care

[ECHOES]

No, I haven't mentioned it specifically. But she knows that my relationship with her is very important and that I think a lot. I haven't really said just how intense those thoughts are, but I suspect she knows

lily, there is no way for her to know what you think unless you speak about it in your words. Just as there is no way for you to know what she thinks unless she speaks about it, or any of us to know what someone else thinks. I can tell you from much experience how much energy is needed and anguish is created when I guess and speculate. I also like to think, to have time free of activities and responsibilities where I can just think, reflect. I do have to be careful that I don't let it become something else, like trying to figure something out totally in my head when it isn't possible because I (we, anyone) can't construct real interactions with others in my head, only my constructs. Yet, even if I do this and catch myself and don't demean it by judging it, I can find my wishes and hopes and worries in what I have constructed, fantasized.

Loving the therapy relationship is a healthy, wonderful, mind expanding experience.
You're doing fine. Keep talking

(((((((((((Lily))))))))))))))))))

A couple of times when I was really obsessing about T, instead of pushing it away, or trying to stop, or tell myself I "shouldn't", I just sat down (actually laid on my bed), set a timer, and gave myself 15 minutes to obsess. If my mind wandered to something else, I brought it back to T. I imagined all sorts of stuff...him shopping at the store, him playing with his daughter, him driving in his car...and when the 15 minutes was up, I was kind of DONE. It was like I got it out of my system, and even though he might pass through my mind later in the day, it was just a passing thought.

I think I read to do that in a book I bought for my son about worrying.

I'm SO sorry she hasn't e-mailed. Truly, every time my T has not e-mailed/called me back, there has always been a good, legitimate reason...but that is hard to remember when I'm in the middle of waiting for a reply. I hope you hear from her soon.

[googley]

(((((lily)))))

I hope you are feeling better soon.

[lily99]

thank you SO much everyone who has replied.
I'm freaking out a little. I called T around midday, asking her to let me know my appt time. I still haven't heard back, and the appt will be tomorrow morning.

I don't know whether to just turn up really early in the morning, or not at all. Hopefully she calls tomorrow, a couple of hours before hand.

I'm worried

[lily99]

deleted.
sorry

((((((((((((((Lily))))))))))))))))

I didn't see your deleted post, but I hope you are okay. Be gentle with you. No matter how bad you feel right now, know that it WILL be better.

[sharon123]

I am so sorry. Try to not be ashamed of your feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong.....they just...are.

Our feelings are all we have to tell us what is going on inside. They should be validated and honored.
Hugs

[lily99]

thank you
i don't want give as many details as I did.
in short, there's just been a lot of pressure on me lately for certain things.. and winter is coming so I hate this looming feeling of my depression coming back. i harmed myself earlier after 7 months of staying strong.

the one thing i don't need is to feel stressed about the one thing that is meant to make me feel better - therapy.

take care.

[WePow]

(((((((( lily ))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

Sometimes feeling things we haven't allowed ourselves to feel, noticing things we have pushed away, feels so vulnerable. It will get better.

I hope you can let your therapist know all that you have been experiencing.