[zooropa]

I know this is the aftermath, the backlash, of doing such deep therapy on Monday. Knowing that, and knowing I expected it and my T expected it, doesn't help in this moment, though.

My dreams the last 2 nights have been horrible. I don't even remember them all, but it's like doing battle all night and waking up unrested, upset and alone.

Yesterday I didn't leave the house, not even to take my dog out. I didn't get dressed, I just stayed in my pjs and sat on the couch and did nothing but watch TV online and do internet stuff. And ate.

Today I HAVE to get dressed and out of the house. I have to pick up my medication refills, and get some groceries. Then I have to pick up my kids after school and take them out for dinner and then take my youngest to her end-of-the-year bowling party w/her girl scout troop.

I don't want to do any of those things, especially the bowling alley where it is loud and crowded and all the other girl scout moms will be there and wondering who I am b/c my daughter doesn't live with me and so I have never taken her to any girl scout events this year. I am worried about what they will think of me.

And then I just found out that BOTH of my teenage boys have youth court tomorrow because they have been truant so many times. They also live with their dad and I had no idea they were missing school at all. So I feel like I have to go to court tomorrow to support them and to hear what the judge says, but that is another huge anxiety thing for me, going to court and sitting there for hours in the crowded room with all those people.

I just don't feel like I can handle all of this, or any of this. I'm raw and torn open and just want to be alone in the dark to lick my wounds and try to put myself back together somehow. I was starting to feel happy again, and then we started trauma work again, and it all turned to ****. I have no energy or joy or will to do anything at all. I don't know if I can do this work, I really don't.

[googley]

(((((((((Zoo)))))))

Can you call your T and let her know what is going on? That is so much stuff. I'm sorry you are having such a hard week after a hard session.

[Sannah]

I'm sorry Zoo, yes, calling your T will be good. Does it help to focus on your daughters and forget about everyone else around you?

[zooropa]

I want to call my T, but I also don't know what she can say to help. I guess that's why she's the T and I am not, lol. I will probably call her this afternoon. As it gets later and the time I have to leave the house gets closer I'm getting more and more wound up inside. I am going to be a wreck by the time I have to actually leave, at this rate.

[WePow]

(((( Zoo )))) boy do I understand you when you said you did not know what she could say to help... I am so sorry you are in such pain. Curses on those who harmed you. Big big hugs to YOU !!!!!

[Perna]

Sounds like a couple of hard days. I was thinking I would take a book along to the bowling and read in the car but, since you've never been with your daughter to one of these, I guess you should spend some time with the other mothers. Maybe there are some pleasant ones that can help distract from all the noise; I don't like that either, the way it sort of echoes and stuff. I hope you learn something useful tomorrow at court for the boys.

(((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))

I remember early in therapy, T told me that it would get worse before it got better. He actually said therapy (trauma therapy especially) is kind of like chemo...it makes us sick, and then it heals us. At the time, I thought it was the worst analogy ever, but over the last few days, I've been thinking about how true that was.

When I was in the trauma stuff - especially at first - I HAD to find things to do that would turn off my brain. I played so much guitar hero that I could beat all of my son's teenage friends on the expert level. My life looked totally different for a while - my house wasn't as clean, we didn't eat as healthy (because it was hard to go to the grocery store)...I just did what I had to do to get through the day, make sure my kids were educated and fed, and that's about it.

I know that you have things you have to do tonight and tomorrow - hard things - and it stinks that that kind of stuff still comes up while we're in the middle of the yucky, hard work. Call T for support if you need to, do what you need to do, and give yourself permission to just rest and BE when it's over.

It won't feel this bad forever. I promise. You'll make it.

[Kiya]

omg! sounds like you need some pocket PCers - I volunteer!!! I'll be in your pocket squeaking "you can do this, breathe, here - have a 1/4 xanax, i know you can do it"
(((((((((Zoo)))))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Zooropa.....

late reading this, sorry. Hope you are well?

[Sannah]

How did it go Zoo?

[zooropa]

you people help me so much, thank you

I took some time to go to the beach before I picked my daughter up yesterday, that helped a LOT. I also asked my older daughter (18) to go the bowling alley with me, and she did even though she had been at work all day and was tired and didn't WANT to.

So the bowling thing wasn't as bad by half as I had made it out to be in my head. I got some looks from the other moms that I could have interpreted any number of ways, but I just focused on my daughter and watched her bowl and play with her friends. It was good. PHEW!!

Last night was hard, lots of nightmares and crying. I was up a lot, but then fell into a deep sleep this morning and didn't wake up until 2 hrs after the hearing. Oooops. I hadn't told my boys I would be there, so at least they weren't expecting me, but I feel like a complete failure for missing it. And because part of me is really relieved that I don't have to go deal with that. Lots of negative self talk going on over that.

But I'm okay. I'm still breathing. I know this is the work, this is IT, and I'm doing it. I have friends IRL and online I can lean on. I have my T I can reach out to anytime. I have you guys who are so understanding. I can get through this. I think.

[WePow]

(((((((((((( Zoo ))))))))))))) I am very happy for you that you were able to stay so strong!!!

[zooropa]

ugh. you guys. I'm so sad. My heart hurts and my stomach hurts and....everything hurts. I haven't slept for **** all week and it's really catching up to me, I'm just kind of a huge bundle of emotions right now. I'm thinking about cancelling my visit w/my kids tomorrow because I just don't know if I can handle it, but I don't want to do that. I'm just a big mess and I miss my T and I'm just so sad.

[WePow]

((((((( Zoo !! )))))))))) I am so sorry!!!! What hurts the most? Missing T? Or because you opened up so much? BIG HUGS!!!

[zooropa]

Feeling so open and raw and exposed and vulnerable. Feeling like I have shared too much w/my T, and knowing that I can reach out to her but not knowing what to say, not knowing what I need in a way that I can put into words and speak to her. So thus feeling so alone with the huge feelings and the memories and the flashbacks and nightmares, everything. Just so alone with it and so scared and sad.

[WePow]

((( zoo ))) oh boy do I understand that pain of feeling like I shared way too much with T... just makes a person wish they could pull it all back inside and not have T know those things... And big hugs to you about the flashbacks and nightmares... man... I hated that part of my trauma work most of all. It felt like I was under water with my emotions and I could not catch my breath at all. It felt like you just said - so totally alone. The fact is that you were alone while you were abused. I am so sorry that happened to you. It is a hard thing to accept that a human could do those things to a child. The alone feeling was the truth of that time period.

It takes a lot to keep ahold of some of the NOW stuff while you are experiencing the trauma memories and doing your trauma healing. It is very important that you stay hand in hand with your T at this time. The truth is that while you were alone when all that was going on, you now are not alone. You know now how to get the comfort you need and the support you need. You give support to others and they give support to you. The truth is that you are NOT alone in this NOW. But yes, you will feel the pain of the truth of being alone in that NOW that you are processing through.

BIG BIG hugs to you!!!

[googley]

((((((Zoo))))))

Can you do something fun with your kids tomorrow as a way to step back from what you covered in T and let you catch your breath? See their visit as a chance to have fun with them?

[zooropa]

thanks you guys
I just called my T, her partner answered and said she'll have T call me back when she gets out of the shower. I don't think I wanted to know that, really.

Anyway, I haven't called her for the last few days even though I wanted to, because I didn't know what to say. It occurred to me that I can just say to her what I said here: that I'm really sad and alone and scared. And that I think just talking to her for a minute might help me not feel so alone with all of this. I can't help it, I have forged a bond with her, a connection, and sometimes I just need to FEEL that connection to know it's still there. Talking to friends and people here and stuff helps, but only T can really give me what I need right now, which I think is just to know it's not going to feel like this forever, and for as long as it DOES feel like this, I'm not alone with it anymore.

so, now, the waiting, and trying not to picture my T in the shower, lol!

[WePow]

(((( Zoo ))))) one time I called my T and he told me he was doing laundry. It helped me to know that he was a human and just doing normal human stuff. Open your heart wide open when she calls.

[zooropa]

I have a lot of performance anxiety when it comes to talking to my T on the phone. Well, actually, I have it when talking to her in person too. But the phone calls, it's hard. I feel like I'm interrupting her from whatever it is she's doing, and I have to make it worth her while. That I can't hem and haw or be unsure about what I'm saying. Part of that is because she tries to limit the length of the phone calls, and part of it is just me. It's always a struggle, deciding when to call her and what to say. I think it goes back to not feeling worthy of Ts time or her help...I don't know.

I also struggle with knowing about her non-T activities. On the one hand, it helps to know she's just a person doing stuff like everyone else. On the other hand, I want her to be my strong T who is in her office every week when I get there and the thought of her being out the world is scary because the world is scary and bad things happen to people out there. I don't want anything bad to happen to T.

[WePow]

Zoo... she is your strong T ... just a strong human T who needs to shower once in a while :-) It is a good thing that you honor your therapy boundaries. But right now, you need T and T will be there for you. Take some very deep breaths. She will be able to give you what you need.

[zooropa]

T called back. She said everything I needed to hear. She said it's ok to be tired and scared and sad, and that I can get through this. As big and huge and scary as the emotions are, I can get through it.

I told her that I'm remembering new stuff everyday, or almost every day, and that there are whole parts I don't remember yet. I asked if that stuff is going to come out, or how does it work? She said "Everybody is different...I don't know. But whatever does come up, we'll walk through it." I felt that in my heart and my gut, her using the word "we". It's not just me, it's both of us. We'll walk through it, I'll keep breathing, and it'll be okay.

She also said she's going to bring in her copy of Finding Nemo for me to borrow, because she is always telling me "just keep breathing, breathing, breathing...". I didn't tell her I have a plastic clown fish that I bought simply because it reminded me of her and reminds me to breathe. I am almost insanely excited to have something that belongs to T that I can hold in my hands and have in my apartment for a week. It's like a piece of her. Do you think she knows that? She's been doing this work for 20+ years, so my guess would be yes.

anyway, that's my update. I feel better. Thanks PC friends

(((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))

T and I say "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"...and I took a picture of my feet in a tidepool with a plastic clown fish I found when i was at the beach a year or so ago just to show T

I'm SO glad you called T and that she was able to give you what you needed. I love the "we". That always calms me way down. Just to finally not be alone, you know??

You are doing SUCH good work. Keep swimming, keep breathing. You're doing it.

[zooropa]

that is so awesome, tree.
I hope you saved the clown fish you found? If I found one of those at the beach (or anywhere else...) I would take it as a sign from the universe that T and I are doing good work. That picture in my head of your feet in a tide pool w/a clown fish makes me

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( zoo ))))

I'm sorry I wasn't around to support you through this....Just know that I care...

((( HUGS )))