I don't like my feelings :( scary

I'm sorry I feel like I am crashing this forum uninvited.
I'm new and I haven't posted much but I've been lurking a lot.

I just got home from seeing my T and it just hurts. I told her I need her I need her so much, and I'm sorry I need her and she said it was okay. None of this is new...it just hasn't gotten any easier. I said I felt like a little girl and she asked me what I needed when I said I need her and I said I don't know. I just don't know I just need her and I want her and I miss her.
I'm scared to be alone with my feelings. What if my feelings are scary and she's not here to make it better? I try to soothe myself but I just end up crying more.

wow, I can relate to this so much it makes my stomach hurt. I know that feeling of needing T, and I know that feeling of being afraid of my feelings. I struggle with this a LOT.

I think it's really brave of you to be able to tell your T how much you need her. I can't even do that. I'm working on being able to self-soothe, and it is SO hard, but it is getting easier, a little bit.

I get overwhelmed with my feelings a lot, and my T says to remember they are just emotions, they can't hurt me. I told her recently when she said that that it doesn't feel true to me, it feels like they CAN hurt me, but she says just wait and watch the way they come and go, like waves. No emotion lasts forever.

You aren't crashing, you were welcome before you even considered posting

It is very hard what you are going through. I'm glad you came here to talk about it. You did a wonderful job of describing what you are feeling and experiencing. It sounds like your therapist is very accepting and cares about you.

I hope you are feeling better soon

i think this is why when i go to T and i dont taalk at all im totally ok with the silence.i can just sit in her office and not say a word but feel safe with all the feelings that are going on in my head. not many places i can go and do that and feel that way for a lot of the same reasons affraid to be alone with my feelings. its a good feeling.im not alone and she is thare if i want her to be

(((((((((((((ghost)))))))))))))

I'm glad you posted

It's okay to need T, and okay to tell her how much you need her.

It's hard to sit with feelings by ourselves, especially when we might not be used to such big feelings. My T always tells me that "feelings are information, not emergencies". It took a long time for me to understand that, and it's still REALLY hard for me sometimes. It doesn't make the feelings feel any better, but it does make them less scary.

Posting here helps me when I feel like that. It's nice to know we're not alone.

Thank you all so so so much! All of your replies made me cry... but in a good way, sort of, you know what I mean??
It is so indescribably helpful to know that I am not alone with these feelings. I feel so weird sometimes.

It's so hard to make myself feel better when I just miss my T so much. I try to self-soothe by thinking about things I remember her saying to me or her telling me it's okay, but then I just miss her more. I guess it helps a little because I'd rather feel this connection and pain than just feel nothing, distant, depressed.. but I feel like such a little girl and I just want to curl in a ball on the floor and cry. I'm seeing T Tuesday and it feels like forever and I don't feel like I can make it that long.

Ghost, yes its very hard, but what an important step you've taken in being to communicate your feelings. Then you and T can begin to understand them and think about them, which means its shared noe, T knows and is aware Of them, being alone with these needs feels so rejected.

Ghost...just wanted to say trust the process and have faith that their intensity WILL subside as you work through them. They'll become more manageable, just hang in there and trying not to be so hard on yourself.

Feelings are just feelings. They don't have to hurt anyone including you. If it is at all feasible, I say if you feel like curling up in a ball and crying, then that's what you should do. It won't be permanent, you will get up, and it will help you grieve the separation.

Therapy is very hard (kinda sucky actually), because the exposure to the therapist is intermittent and it takes awhile to incorporate the permanence of that experience when one is not actually in it. It's okay the way you feel, it really is. In my experience, it transforms into something quite remarkable.

Sometimes, for me, self-soothing techniques just absolutely fail. I would be cautious that you don't end up blaming yourself for not being able to self-soothe. If we could contain all these feelings, and make ourselves feel better immediately, then, well, we wouldn't be in therapy.

In the interim, perhaps it would help to ask your therapist for a little token from her office or something like that. Something you could keep with you all the time to have a physical reminder of the growing connection between the two of you.

Elliemay's idea is good; at least, it worked for me. I used to keep my appointment cards with me all the time, and I could touch them and look at them and see her handwriting.

-Far

Thank you all.

I've been seeing my T for almost 4 years and I've actually been struggling with this attachment stuff for almost 2 years, although only this intensely for maybe 1 year.

Elliemay//Fartraveler---
That is a great idea.. Actually T has given me a few smooth stones that she had to help me with just that. That was 2 or 3 years ago. At first they really helped, but I would never take them with me anywhere because I was too scared of losing them. For some reason they don't help as much now, but I still hold them frequently and I'm starting to get over my fear of taking them places.

About a year and a half ago my T gave me a journal to write in. That helps sometimes too. It took me a long time to feel comfortable writing in it but now I'm so glad I have it. Now I am even at a place where almost every time I write in it I will bring it to my next session and have her read everything. She is always so nice and understanding and kind and she says she's so happy she got it for me.

More recently T bought me a bar of chocolate. She encourages me to eat it because of my ED issues but also as something that is a symbol of my needs and she tells me its okay to feel like this, and I should try to eat the chocolate and not feel guilty about my needs and just let the feelings come.

T is so so nice to me I don't deserve it

(((((Ghost)))) You arent crashing and you are very welcome here. It seems like a good thing that you are telling your T that you need her. Im sorry that you are so hurting now. This forum has so helped me to have company when I have big feelings. Good or bad. Feelings can be so overwhelming and frightening. Especially feelings of needing T.

How was your T when you told her you needed her?

What you said about "big feelings" and "feelings can be so overwhelming and frightening. Especially feelings of needing T"---
this is exactly how I feel. It is so scary and my feelings are just big and overwhelming and I don't understand them, I just want T to make it better.

I've told T this before... we talk about it and related issues a lot, almost every session. But whenever I tell her I need her she always says things like "it's okay, it's okay to need me and to have needs and I'm going to do my best to try to meet your needs and take care of you"
and it feels good when she says that.. but I miss her more.

Thank you all

(((((Ghost))))),

Sorry I'm coming to your thread a little late. I know those scary feelings well, since I've felt them for all of my Ts for years. (I've had different Ts through the years.) Needing T is such an intense feeling for me too, and it scares me a lot. I don't want to have those needs. It sounds like you have a great, understanding T. I love that she gave you a chocolate bar!

I try to tell myself what others have told me, and that is that the feelings won't kill me. My last T would always tell me to sit with my feelings, but I often distracted myself with some physical or mental activity because it was too hard to sit with those needy feelings. I guess we have to just keep going to therapy, and keep telling our Ts how we feel, and "trust the process."