No reply needed, really. I just need to get this out.

I am SO MISERABLE. I'm not sure I've ever felt quite like this...but I have spend my entire life, from age 16 on, self-medicating in one way or another, and I'm not now, and I'm stuck with me.

I am starting to wonder if there is an underlying depression and that is the reason for the self-medicating. Ugh

And I see T in about 30 minutes and don't even care because I know he can't make it better. What a ****ing waste of time and money. I just want to give up. T can't help me.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by treehouse

And I see T in about 30 minutes and don't even care because I know he can't make it better. What a ****ing waste of time and money. I just want to give up. T can't help me.

NO GOOD T! *^&%#$@ T! T!



I'll be interested to hear what you have to say in a few hours...

[BlueMoon6]

((((Tree)))) I am so sorry you are hurting this way. And Im hoping you have a good, connected session. T always knows how to help you to feel better

[googley]

((((((((Tree))))))))

I hope you have a good session. Talk about the possibility of depression. Talk about how bad you are feeling. That is what he is there for.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( TREE ))))))

I feel the same way, SO many times....You are not alone....I hope T can help you. Please do update, because it may help me too....

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((( treehouse ))))))))))))))))

let us know how it goes k?

I'm back. I sat/layed/writhed on the couch for an hour, crying and crying and crying with my face in his blanket. He sat quietly.

At the end he said that he was picturing me in a pool, with a big waterfall of ALL of these feelings pouring over me. I said I've worked and worked and worked so hard and I still dont' feel any better and something is WRONG with me. He said that maybe I did all of that work, and now here are the feelings, and after this will be the movement.

We'll see. I don't feel any better. I feel sad.

I FORCED MYSELF to make an appt with my primary care doc tomorrow to have bloodwork to see if there is something physically wrong with me - like thyroid, or iron, or????. If there's not, then this must be depression and I'll just have to find some way to deal with that. My kids are sad that I'm sad that that isn't okay with me at all. So here I go, pulling myself up by my ****ING bootstraps AGAIN.




Although what I would really RATHER do is just make myself disappear. Not an option. Ack.

[purple_fins]

treehouse

I know he can't make it better. What a ****ing waste of time and money. I just want to give up. T can't help me.

I think you are right in saying that- "T. can't make it better"-- but I think you could be wrong in saying-- "T. can't help me".

People can get caught in the notion that someone else is going to make their life better-- when that's not how therapy works in the end.

I think of therapy as another "tool" in life. Like a car is a tool to get one to a place where one can earn a living(but the car won't drive you there itself) and a hammer is a tool that enables one to hang a picture(the hammer won't pound the nail in itself), a therapist is a tool that can help us in learning self-confidence, coping skills, how to have healthy relationships and many more things(but a therapist won't and can't make ones life better- by themself)

I think people can forget just how much power they possess within themself. Like a hammer needs a hand, a car needs a driver-- a T. needs a client to get to a goal. So while T. can't make it better-- T. can help you-- create a better existence.

I hope I don't come across as harsh or flippant..... on the contrary, I hear your pain and anguish and wanted only to respectfully help.

peace to you

fins

[sunrise]

Treehouse, have you ever discussed the possibility that you may be depressed with your T? He has known you for so long, he probably has a pretty good idea.

I agree it is a good idea to get thyroid checked out, and RBC count, etc.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Treehouse, have you ever discussed the possibility that you may be depressed with your T? He has known you for so long, he probably has a pretty good idea.

Not until today. It's so strange - I work SO HARD with T that that is all he sees. He doesn't see me struggling to get through the day the rest of the time. I think maybe maybe maybe he's starting to "get it". Or maybe *I* am starting to get it. I don't know.

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I think people can forget just how much power they possess within themself. Like a hammer needs a hand, a car needs a driver-- a T. needs a client to get to a goal.

I do get this. I just think I'm finally out of power. Really.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Tree))))) Im glad you are going to see your primary care doc. Have you ever considered antidepressant meds? I know sometimes people go on meds even temporarily while doing trauma work. Do you think it might be a possiblitly for you?

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Tree )))

I'm sad that you're in that awful place....that lowest of lows. It's a horrible place to be, and it's hard to imagine - nearly impossible - that it will get any better.

I remember not long ago being at that low place, feeling as though my daughter deserved better than me and that maybe she doesn't need me, especially if I can't be the mom she needs me to be....and I was giving up. I really had no energy and the awfulness was just so unbearable, so deep and so consuming....

Some people would say - this too shall pass - and it was hard to imagine. Really hard.

Please get some rest...and then try to push yourself to do something for YOU. I know it feels like that's the last thing on earth that you want to do....but it's important.

[zooropa]

(((((tree)))) I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
I'm so glad you are seeing T today.
I'm actually surprised that you haven't considered the possibility that you may be depressed before this, it seems like it's so common with people with a history of trauma.
I'm also really glad you already made an appt w/your pcp. You are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, which is HUGE when you feel so horrible and miserable the way you do right now.
I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better.
Just keep breathing, keep knitting, keep looking for those little things that don't hurt. And keep posting, we are here for you.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I do get this. I just think I'm finally out of power. Really.

I understand and do know how this feels. I mean how many times can we be expected to struggle and pull ourselves out of the black hole? It's exhausting. I'm not sure people, even our T's, get it.

Mine says "there is always hope and you won't always feel this way" which is absolutely true. SOmetimes though I get very angry at him. He and his (what I perceive to be) perfect life lecturing me about hope.

What the hell does he know about hope?

Anyhoodle, when I get like this, it sometimes helps to not even think about feeling better. Not even try actually. Just take every moment as it comes. You don't have to do anything but just make through the next minute, then the next one. That's it. Maybe in the minute after that you'll reach out again (or not), maybe you'll fix yourself something to eat, or go for a drive.

Just one minute at a time.

You'll make it. Somehow, someway we always do.

[Melbadaze]

T said something to me this week that has helped me seperate the past from today. I had recreated something this week and it made me feel so depressed. I was talking to T about what it was and she said that I had re-traumatised myself and I can see I do it, but can't seem to stop it, its like the trauma is going round and round inside and I try to resolve it by doing something that intellectually I know will only compound the feelings and T said, I think the depression is your reaction to your mothers emotional abuse. At first It didnt mean anything, but as the week has gone on and I feel the feelings, the depression, It makes more sense. I;m not sure why your T doesnt see your depression, I think any one with a trauma history has depression, but T saying it like that, its my reaction to abuse, helps me understand. When the depression is more intense I see now its because the memorys without pictures are active within me. If seen like that, the question would be more, why aren't you depressed? so depression is a natural reaction to what we experienced. It doesnt feel good, but until we have talked the trauma out, it will continue.

[Sannah]

I think that you are simply grieving........... Depression is stuffed feelings.

Originally Posted by Sannah

I think that you are simply grieving........... Depression is stuffed feelings.

I agree with this. I don't know you very well, but from what I've read here, it sounds like you're grieving your lost childhood....which is different than depression or a hormonal/chemical issue.

(((((((((((((tree))))))))))))))

Originally Posted by treehouse

I said I've worked and worked and worked so hard and I still dont' feel any better and something is WRONG with me. He said that maybe I did all of that work, and now here are the feelings, and after this will be the movement.

We'll see. I don't feel any better. I feel sad.

i so know how this feels and it is such a letdown. i get the sense you have been expecting that once you had faced all the trauma then you'd be healed. i wish i understood how this process is supposed to work. i don't know that i've quite gotten to an endpoint like you have where i feel like okay i'm done, but considering how much work i've done i don't understand why i'm still so stuck. for me i'm referring more to the spiritual but there is tons of overlap with the psychological. i'm rather baffled why i haven't seen more movement. it's like where is the f***ing peace, joy, & love? i don't get it either tree but i do understand how awful it is. it's kind of all a big mystery to me at this point. it's like a waiting...to give birth or something...and the waiting just seems to go on and on. we can wait together tree.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

depression is a natural reaction to what we experienced.

Exactly! I mean, who would not be depressed? But it does not have to last forever. When you realize what you have overcome, then a measure of pride can come too.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by treehouse

to see if there is something physically wrong with me - like thyroid, or iron, or????. If there's not, then this must be depression

OR... it could also be a deficiency in amino acids and that you have worn out your adrenal glands. I would encourage you to explore ALL avenues. Don't give up on YOU!

PS your main dr may not understand a bit of that - so keep researching (even thou you are exhausted), you are your own best advocate!

[Snakebit]

Tree,

The tests are good to have. And if it's depression then you can start working on that! Depression is hard but its conquerable. I have chronic depression and I treasure each undepressed day, which are coming more and more frequently as my medication (my 13th or 14th different try) has kicked in.

Good job on keeping your appointment! And thanks for checking back in.

[WePow]

(((((((((( tree ))))))))))) There comes a point when we have to "die" symbolically to the past and to the ways we once thought. It is hard to accept clearly all the pain we have held onto and kinda put it on the table for T and ourselves to see. It is bloody hard, truth be told. But when one is able to do that, and one no longer has the strength to hid from our truth, then we drop our hands and the only thing that remains is just to be. Sometimes that is exactly what we have to do in order for us to be open to the new.

Sending you tons of love.

[kitten16]

(((((tree)))))

Seconding all the amazing insights on here. And sending you good vibes!!