[granite1]

she told me this sesson that she sent the last letter i wrote her back because she fears that i will use letters to replace speaking with her.i knew that she was kind of strange about the first letter i sent her and her responce to this letter i had sent her weeks ago was to say she sent it back to me because if i had words to say to her that my apt would be the time to speak them to her.i was hoping she sent the letter back to me just because i had asked her not to read it.she got so frustrated with me today because i didnt bring in the stupid letter to read.i just cant read it.she said unless i open up she cant help me as well as she could (this paniced me even more these words are usually followed by, i think you may need to go to hosp or, see someone better qualified to deal with this type of problem)this was kind of like a slap in the face because i really am trying to speak some words but i guess it isnt enough.now every time she talks she asks me to come up with one word to say how i feel. i cant do it god i am so scared.i feel so lame,you would think a word would be easy.she talked about how my feelings and emotions are not attached to anything and she cant help me if i dont talk. i know she isnt a bad T but i just am scared to death and she is really pushing the talk thing more then ever now with the one word thing.she wants me to read only the first sentance in the letter i wrote her a month ago. how can she tell about my emotions and feelings with the little i have spoke to her about me.ond the one letter i wrote that she read.like i said i know that she is a good T and has my best intrests at heart,but this speaking thing i just dont know if she knows what she is doing .she has never pushed me this hard.today i told her this "the mother wanted to come home for christmas"she got really frustrated because i couldn't say any more,and the one word i came up with was scared.i dont think i can do this.she did say that she isnt going noware and that helped my fear of her sending me to hosp or to another doc or something.is it normal to be so so scared and should i just say she must know what she is doing.i so want to trust her.IDK i want to scream.so no letters and probibly coloring,or art.i probibly can do all this stuff if i use words also.i really tried to talk and i so hoped she was seeing that.but i guess it was all in my head along with all the other great conversations

[zooropa]

I'm sure she saw that you were trying, granite. I'm sorry it was so hard for you.

[cmac13]

Wow Granite! I am so sorry your therapist will not allow letters. One of the ways I cope between sessions is to write out my feelings into letters that I can send to my therapist. There is no limit on the amount of letters I can write to her. She reads everyone of them. I generally see her once a week but now that she is on vacation I will not see her for 3 weeks which will be difficult but I can write as much as I need to or work in my art journal and bring that into my next session or I can do both. Sometimes I feel afraid in my sessions but she is gentle and allows me time to gather my thoughts. Sometimes I have no words for what I am feeling and I feel really mixed up. I let her know when I feel that way. She told me that a lot of the reason I cannot come up with words is because a lot of what happened to me was pre-verbal when I was very young. I appreciate her patience with me. You deserve patience and understanding from your therapist also.

[sunrise]

Granite, it sounds like you are really trying hard. Granite, are you able to talk to other people in your life? Is it just your T that you are silent with? Do you thiink you could talk to your T if you chose a really easy topic that had no feelings attached to it? Like the weather? I am wondering if maybe you could talk about easier things like the weather that are not necessarily about how you feel. Like, "yesterday I baked some cookies, " or "look how hard it is raining outside." Maybe by speaking words about those things you might get used to the routine of speaking, and become better able to move toward talking about your feelings. It sounds like your T is asking you to move directly from never speaking at all to talking about really hard stuff, like what was in your letter, or how you are feeling. Maybe taking little baby steps and talking about the weather first would be more gradual and less intimidating.

If I wrote my T a long, intense letter all about my feelings, I wouldn't be able to read it to him either.

[3velniai]

Just a thought: can it be that you try to talk too hard? I know everyone is different, but for me sometimes it's like... The more I try the worse and harder it gets. And when I decide I don't want to talk today and so be it, I won't, I usually end up having a really good session.

[Sannah]

Wow, granite, the tactic that she is choosing doesn't sound helpful. You deserve patience and the chance to feel safe with her. Her tactic of pushing you is not allowing you to feel safe it seems? Can you tell her that her pushing you is not allowing you to feel safe (if this is the case)? She needs to understand how she is affecting you and the only way that she is going to understand this is for you to tell her.

[Melbadaze]

granite, sounds a bit harsh and untheraputic, like your being rejected unless you do it T's way, when therapy is about us. I fortunately have a T that works f2f and also works with emails and we've got further f2f because of the emails at times. You can tell her you would like to work this way first? If she still refuses you have the right to find a T that is more flexiBle? We all need different approaches and a good T will Work with you.

[ECHOES]

granite1, she sees that you write words, that you express feelings and ideas in writing and in art. She wants to help you get from one form of expression to another that will be so helpful in your life.

Begin where you are. Talk about the feeling scared. Tell her in any words that come, there are no right or wrong words to speak.

You will be coloring a picture for her with your words.

I wonder if she felt disappointed that you didn't bring the letter with you because she is very interested in what you have to say, and she was excited about hearing you read it to her. It might have looked like frustration.

You could try another therapist for a few visits to see how it feels with someone else. Sometimes the therapist just isn't a good fit. You could see if it feels different with someone else.

I do not like the hospital threat in resonse to your fear about talking. Adding fear to fear is just not helpful at all. You don't need a hospital (imo), you just need patience while you find the ability to allow the words you have emerge.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by granite1

.....now every time she talks she asks me to come up with one word to say how i feel. i cant do it god i am so scared.i feel so lame,you would think a word would be easy.

Dear Little Granite...... but it's NOT easy!!

My T said that earlier in her career, working with identifying feelings was coming up a lot and she used to keep a list with columns of words for feelings on it. She would ask the client to find one in the list that might fit her feelings at the moment. If yr T doesn't have such a list,or if you don't want to ask, you can find one at http://www.guidetopsychology.com/emotions.htm

You could print this and carry it with you each time you go to see yr T. It's just a tool to help you find words, it wouldn't be scary. Do you think you could give it a try?

[Perna]

I use to bring my T books with passages that described what I wanted her to know and I wanted her to read them but she said no books, I had to talk to her. I know a little bit what you're going through, granite. We went through many years of my not talking, just being stuck in my head.

Granite, can you imagine, in your head, T sitting next to you instead of across from you? Like she is a friend? That helped me occasionally to not be as afraid and at least say some little thing. Don't think of her as T sitting next to you though but as a faceless friend so you can at least talk about something; pick something not related to the fear, not in the room; tell her what you had for breakfast or expect to have for dinner :-)

Another thing I'd try is to stay in her footsteps; if she says, "Just say one word" then reply, "It is hard to say one word" or, "too much pressure to say one word". Sometimes I was able to say a little about how much arguing and stuff was going on in my head, the many conversations so I couldn't pay attention to her.

I'm sorry she hurt you not letting you write letters; I was able to, many years later, to tell T how the no books had hurt. Thinking back though, it worked out fine and was good that I was "corralled" and contained, I felt safer but kind of sad that I made T chase me around so much. Sometimes I would get really brave and just say what I needed to but I wasn't really able for many many years.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Wow, granite, the tactic that she is choosing doesn't sound helpful. You deserve patience and the chance to feel safe with her. Her tactic of pushing you is not allowing you to feel safe it seems? Can you tell her that her pushing you is not allowing you to feel safe (if this is the case)? She needs to understand how she is affecting you and the only way that she is going to understand this is for you to tell her.

sannah i am so scared and confused by her after she seemed to get so frustrated with me she just seemed so careing telling me she really wants to see me get better.i'm terrified at how hard she is pushing me and i have no idea how things are going to work out you are right that i need to somehow find a way to let her know because maybe she doesnt.when she asked me to come up with one word i said scared.she said she knows this and she really wants me to see that nothing is going to happen that it is ok if we talk about things.she said some other stuff about our relationship but i really couldnt understand it much.i go back and forth with telling myself she has done nothing to hurt me but try to get me to give her words.and make me feel things right.she is a very strong person she got frustrated as i spoke about the mother but made me feel better about scared.i need to know she wont crush me with my words and feelings.and if this happens does she know what to do?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm sure she saw that you were trying, granite. I'm sorry it was so hard for you.

i really hope she does zooey i dont want her to stop seeing me

[granite1]

Originally Posted by cmac13

Wow Granite! I am so sorry your therapist will not allow letters. One of the ways I cope between sessions is to write out my feelings into letters that I can send to my therapist. There is no limit on the amount of letters I can write to her. She reads everyone of them. I generally see her once a week but now that she is on vacation I will not see her for 3 weeks which will be difficult but I can write as much as I need to or work in my art journal and bring that into my next session or I can do both. Sometimes I feel afraid in my sessions but she is gentle and allows me time to gather my thoughts. Sometimes I have no words for what I am feeling and I feel really mixed up. I let her know when I feel that way. She told me that a lot of the reason I cannot come up with words is because a lot of what happened to me was pre-verbal when I was very young. I appreciate her patience with me. You deserve patience and understanding from your therapist also.

i guess i can write her letters but she wont read them.she will want me to read them to her.i dont know if this will be any easier then just talking.up untill now i havent done this.the one letter she read she read it out loud to me when i refused to read it to her.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Granite, it sounds like you are really trying hard. Granite, are you able to talk to other people in your life? Is it just your T that you are silent with? Do you thiink you could talk to your T if you chose a really easy topic that had no feelings attached to it? Like the weather? I am wondering if maybe you could talk about easier things like the weather that are not necessarily about how you feel. Like, "yesterday I baked some cookies, " or "look how hard it is raining outside." Maybe by speaking words about those things you might get used to the routine of speaking, and become better able to move toward talking about your feelings. It sounds like your T is asking you to move directly from never speaking at all to talking about really hard stuff, like what was in your letter, or how you are feeling. Maybe taking little baby steps and talking about the weather first would be more gradual and less intimidating.

If I wrote my T a long, intense letter all about my feelings, I wouldn't be able to read it to him either.

hi sunrise i can usually say hi and then thats it.i dont talk to peopke at work much other then hi i have my husband who i can talk to and a few real close friends.but i talk to NO ONE about the things that went on in my past.my last few sessons i have been able to say something about how i feel like last time i told her about how my son feels like a piece of furniture.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Dear Little Granite...... but it's NOT easy!!

My T said that earlier in her career, working with identifying feelings was coming up a lot and she used to keep a list with columns of words for feelings on it. She would ask the client to find one in the list that might fit her feelings at the moment. If yr T doesn't have such a list,or if you don't want to ask, you can find one at http://www.guidetopsychology.com/emotions.htm

You could print this and carry it with you each time you go to see yr T. It's just a tool to help you find words, it wouldn't be scary. Do you think you could give it a try?

when T asked me to come up with a word she also listed off a bunch of words that i may want to pick.some were. angry,confused,i hate you,(i didnt want her to think i hated her)maybe she was trying to do the same thing

[granite1]

Originally Posted by 3velniai

Just a thought: can it be that you try to talk too hard? I know everyone is different, but for me sometimes it's like... The more I try the worse and harder it gets. And when I decide I don't want to talk today and so be it, I won't, I usually end up having a really good session.

i really dont think i am trying hard enough and this is why T is so frustrated with me

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

granite, sounds a bit harsh and untheraputic, like your being rejected unless you do it T's way, when therapy is about us. I fortunately have a T that works f2f and also works with emails and we've got further f2f because of the emails at times. You can tell her you would like to work this way first? If she still refuses you have the right to find a T that is more flexiBle? We all need different approaches and a good T will Work with you.

i'm am confused about all this because at one point she told me we could move as slow as i needed and was comfortable.and now she is pushing real hard.does she see something in me i dont that has made her decide to push me into speaking words.i dont know melba i'm just now trying to wrap my head around trusting that she knows what she is doing

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

granite1, she sees that you write words, that you express feelings and ideas in writing and in art. She wants to help you get from one form of expression to another that will be so helpful in your life.

Begin where you are. Talk about the feeling scared. Tell her in any words that come, there are no right or wrong words to speak.

You will be coloring a picture for her with your words.

I wonder if she felt disappointed that you didn't bring the letter with you because she is very interested in what you have to say, and she was excited about hearing you read it to her. It might have looked like frustration.

You could try another therapist for a few visits to see how it feels with someone else. Sometimes the therapist just isn't a good fit. You could see if it feels different with someone else.

I do not like the hospital threat in resonse to your fear about talking. Adding fear to fear is just not helpful at all. You don't need a hospital (imo), you just need patience while you find the ability to allow the words you have emerge.

echos i agree that this is a great way of looking at what she is trying to do.she said she is trying to get me to see that if i speak any words that nothing will happen.(dont know if i believe that)she never really pushed me so hard before it's like someone switched a switch and changed her.i could sit in T and not say anything the whole time and it was ok.things have changed.
I love that coloring a picture with my words what a calm way to look at something.
i have been to a few other T and have left believe it or not this T with all my fears and talking has made me feel the safest in T untill now.i dont really know if i should leave or just trust her that she knows what she is doing and ill be ok.so far i have felt the safest with her i fear if i leave i will not find another that i can even sit in the room with.she really made me feel ok with that.
she never threatened me with the hosp.that was all in my head when she started talking about how she cant help me if i dont talk.other T's have said this to me and i usually ended up in the hosp or sent to another T.believe it or not she didnt do this it was just another one of my stupid fears.in fact she told me she isnt going anyware for a long times she was very genuine about that and i believe her today.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Perna

I use to bring my T books with passages that described what I wanted her to know and I wanted her to read them but she said no books, I had to talk to her. I know a little bit what you're going through, granite. We went through many years of my not talking, just being stuck in my head.

Granite, can you imagine, in your head, T sitting next to you instead of across from you? Like she is a friend? That helped me occasionally to not be as afraid and at least say some little thing. Don't think of her as T sitting next to you though but as a faceless friend so you can at least talk about something; pick something not related to the fear, not in the room; tell her what you had for breakfast or expect to have for dinner :-)

Another thing I'd try is to stay in her footsteps; if she says, "Just say one word" then reply, "It is hard to say one word" or, "too much pressure to say one word". Sometimes I was able to say a little about how much arguing and stuff was going on in my head, the many conversations so I couldn't pay attention to her.

I'm sorry she hurt you not letting you write letters; I was able to, many years later, to tell T how the no books had hurt. Thinking back though, it worked out fine and was good that I was "corralled" and contained, I felt safer but kind of sad that I made T chase me around so much. Sometimes I would get really brave and just say what I needed to but I wasn't really able for many many years.

wow perna you get it too.i'm stuck in my head.if she didnt let you use books what did you do just start talking?in my head i know this about T
I need to use words not behaviors.
T has no desire to hurt me intentionally.
she is not leaving.(exsept for her vacation next week)again LOL
but omg why is it so hard to feel this in my heart.

[Sannah]

What does her pushing you remind you of?

[Mike_J]

What if you kept writing letters but instead of sending them you brought them to you therapy session. I know that is the approach that my therapist prefers.

[rainbow8]

(((((granite)))))

I'm always affected by your posts because of my history of "not talking." In therapy, we are focusing on that as the root of my problems. You said you don't have "selective mutism" but I wonder if the label matters. I wonder if your T has read information about that subject. Did you ever read books by Torey Hayden? She worked with children who couldn't talk. One of her books is Murphy's Boy, and it is about a boy who had such a terrible past that he became mute. Torey worked with him and he learned to trust her and overcame his mutism. There are professionals who have studied selective mutism and know what kind of therapy techniques are helpful. I wish that I could ask your T if she has read anything about it.

I'm wondering why writing is easier for you, and why you are comfortable posting here? I know, for me, the words just pour out in writing, but speaking has always been a struggle. It's about anxiety and fear of being judged, about being seen. No one sees you when they read your writing. But if you read it or it's read to you, they do see you. Then the person reacts to the words in person, and it's hard to deal with that.

I'm rambling, but I just want you to know I understand how hard it is to get the words out. People would beg me to talk to them but I couldn't. It was so painful.

[ECHOES]

great post, rainbow!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

(((((granite)))))

I'm always affected by your posts because of my history of "not talking." In therapy, we are focusing on that as the root of my problems. You said you don't have "selective mutism" but I wonder if the label matters. I wonder if your T has read information about that subject. Did you ever read books by Torey Hayden? She worked with children who couldn't talk. One of her books is Murphy's Boy, and it is about a boy who had such a terrible past that he became mute. Torey worked with him and he learned to trust her and overcame his mutism. There are professionals who have studied selective mutism and know what kind of therapy techniques are helpful. I wish that I could ask your T if she has read anything about it.

I'm wondering why writing is easier for you, and why you are comfortable posting here? I know, for me, the words just pour out in writing, but speaking has always been a struggle. It's about anxiety and fear of being judged, about being seen. No one sees you when they read your writing. But if you read it or it's read to you, they do see you. Then the person reacts to the words in person, and it's hard to deal with that.

I'm rambling, but I just want you to know I understand how hard it is to get the words out. People would beg me to talk to them but I couldn't. It was so painful.

my dear rain thanks for your post it does seem like you get it esp about being able to write and post here i could never be this open with T but i'm working on it.one thing that is happening to me is after T i seem to be all brave and full of great ideas for growth, like i'm going to talk about this or that, or i'm going to do this or that.it is a great feeling BUT after a day or so things get back to normal and the idea of saying anything terrifies me.so this time in all my bravery i sent the letter in the mail back to T because she wants to read it to me and this way i cant refuse.of course i did this when i was all brave.now i'm just terrified of hearing her speaking my words.but i dont need to speak just listen.
T seems to talk a lot more also. i dont know if i like this either.she use to sit and just let us be quiet sometimes for the entire sesson.kind of strange it seems like T has turned into someone else durring my last few sessons, with the talking,she will only read letters outloud with me in room,asking for one word all the time,saying my name before she talks ,and just little things.IDK what to think of it.
no i havnt read any books by tori hayden but it sounds interesting.ill look it up

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

What if you kept writing letters but instead of sending them you brought them to you therapy session. I know that is the approach that my therapist prefers.

i would never give the letter to her .she wont read them unless it is with me in the room and outloud. she asked me to send her this letter she sent back to me unread so she could read it outloud so i did (was brave at the time) now i'm terrified of her reading and speaking my words i just dont want to hear them.i feel ashaimed and humilliated by them and i hate it