[WePow]

Now that I read the post about how a T views a client who is in SU mode a lot - which happens to be one of my big issues right now as I go through trauma work and mid life crisis and work burn-out... Well now I am seriously thinking part of the reason I keep mentioning my very deep and strong urges to my T may be due to my mind subconsciously thinking I can push him away. That if he knows this about me, he will not want to like me or help me.

I wonder if my fear of being hurt when I trust is so deep that it is keeping me on edge emotionally because my mind knows I will tell T about these thoughts? And if I tell T - I expect to have T withdraw any emotional support or warmth from me. If that happens, my mind thinks I will be safer because I will not be in a position to be hurt somehow by T.



Anyone else have this issue or any input?

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))))))

That is a really interesting insight.
Have you done other things in the past to push away your T?
Did you talk to your T about them, and did it help?

I think self-preservation is instinctual and it makes a lot of sense to have certain thoughts and behaviors that our minds think will save us, even if ultimately they end up hurting us.

I don't think sui thoughts would ever push your T away permanently.
You have a good T.
But I think it is a great topic to talk about in therapy because the more we can be aware of the obstacles, the easier it is to get around them.

[WePow]

(((( darkrunner )))) I am always just honest with my T. But one of my "dad issues" was that when he was using me as his therapist when I was a child, he would sit there and bawl and I had to talk him out of SU sometimes. It really made me not want to be emotionally close to him. I felt that I wasn't safe to love him because he might just decide to end things. So I do know what it does to someone to be on the recieving end of that conversation.

Of course my T is not a child and I am not the parent. And he is trained to deal with things like this. So I think that the T is the right person to talk to about these things. I suppose that post just floored me in a way - kinda like it made me think maybe my T was feeling the way I did when my dad was saying things. And that made me wonder if I was subconsciously making it more obvious to T how I think than I would be normally. Almost like it is threatening him - "DON'T CARE ABOUT ME! I WILL HURT YOU!" ?????

[Perna]

I use to use "suicide" to ask for help. I didn't have the words, inside or literal, to explain what I was feeling or any other way to express the concept of "help me please". I didn't know what that was or what I needed! When things would get really bad, I'd call a help line and get a referral/suggestion to call someone or do something concrete and I could follow those instructions.

I still remember when I decided to call my therapist after having not seen her for 9 years, went to the library to get a possible phone number; my library had phone books across a large local region, and I got the number and then immediately went and found several books about suicide to check out. The: I'm safe, I will have my therapist again versus: Oh good, let's read about suicide was so startling it got even my attention so I decided to see where I was taking myself with this and checked out the books. I made the first appointment with my T, which wasn't until 2 or 3 weeks later, and then settled to read the books and "observe" myself and thoughts while I read them.

It turned out that the "idea" of suicide, the "concept" if you will, was like a floorboard for me, a "base". I wasn't at all suicidal but I did feel extremely anxious and confused so it was like the books were anchoring me, giving me a reference point.

I can very much believe you could be using the telling of such subjects to your T to try to push him away, WePow, or, to make you feel like that is what you're doing so you feel safer or more comfortable with him?

[WePow]

(((( Perna )))))) Thank you very much for your insight and sharing what you went through. I do believe that SU is one of the hardest topics to honestly talk about with a therapist. For me, I know I have a need to be totally honest with my T. Life has just been so much. And I know the trauma work has taken a toll on me.

The more I feel about this ... not think .... well, I fear most of all being my father. UGGGG!!! So I am feeling that I know inside myself I am being honest with T about this topic because at this point, it is not just something to talk about. I wish it were. But I do know me. And it really is my truth. But I also know I am working very hard to flip that internal switch that will make me NOT want that reality as much as I want it. And that is just the raw truth of the situation.

So maybe I am afraid that my T will hate me the way I hate my dad? IDK.
Something to consider for sure.

[Sannah]

I think that you are on to something with this WePow:

Originally Posted by WePow

So maybe I am afraid that my T will hate me the way I hate my dad? IDK.

[Oceanwave]

WePow,
I hope this helps. In that previous post, the sentence: "it was hard to genuinely care about some one when they are suicidal" wasn't meant to imply that the T just doesn't care. He meant 'it is hard to provide professional care', 'hard to do therapy' with someone who is constantly suicidal, as the T just cannot be there with them and look after them 24/7. And that's not their job anyway. They need a different kind of care then (DBT or if too bad hospital). That's what was meant. So you telling your T about feeling suidical now and then during trauma processing is something very different and something you should be doing if that's how you are feeling. And no, he will not hate you for that, no. He needs that information.

[elliemay]

I'm with oceanwave on this one. I think "care" here means clinical not emotional care.

However, it seems to have brought some thoughts to the surface that I do think you need to bring up with your T. He sounds like a great guy, who is interested in knowing your truth. There is a lot of freedom in that.

I talk about suicide a lot in my therapy. I'm not actually suicidal, but it IS the ultimate way NOT to feel trapped you know? For me it is a measure of control over my life. My T recognizes this and doesn't freak out about - usually.

It's your therapy, and you should talk about whatever you like. You're right. Your T is trained for it, but most of all, he knows YOU.

Peace.

[WePow]

Thank you much, Oceanwane and Elliemay.
Sometimes I think I test the therapy waters a whole lot...
It is like I don't trust that I can ever be "clean" enough to be respected by another person after all the junk in my past

I will keep on just being honest with my T. He really is the best fit for me. And after thinking tons last night about my actions this week (I ended up needing to call T at work Thursday morning from a VERY VERY VERY bad emotional place at work) ... and thinking about stuff that I was feeling, I believe I really do want to stick around. It really is just that this pain that can overwhelm me sometimes still makes the immature little me panic. And from even the time of about 5 yrs old, I was ACTIVELY trying to figure out how to SU. That was due to the CSA that was chronic and from various sources. So I am still trying to learn from T how to be a mature adult with all these emotions when they hit. To my little kid mind, that was the only way I saw out of pain. Now I know that option is too easy to take IF I ever really wanted it. So there is something making me not follow up on my hours of research. I think that "something" really is this new HOPE my T is showing me I can have. It's just really hard moving through this healing. Therapy does hurt.