[mixedup_emotions]

deleted

Edited for privacy....altho hope it was read.

[Kiya]

hm. well... good that t understands... and read it... and responded... and...? it seems abrupt to me, but i'm not you. asking you to be up front in session... but not confirming "we are ok" or anything (which i need from the T relationship, and have not been able to say to t but i think she sorta get it). so, how are you right now?

[zooropa]

I didn't get to read it, MUE, but I hope you got the response you needed from T

[mixedup_emotions]

I guess I'm ok right now....I don't know.

At first, I was feeling pretty good about expressing myself so openly to T, so that he could get a better understanding....so I succeeded in that.

His response, though, was a bit unsettling....I'll repost it here:

MUE,

Your recall of what led up to your apt. and what took place during it gives me a much better appreciation for where you were and how you were affected. I wish I would have known this at the time or been better at helping you express it. I have a very strong sense of what you are feeling right now toward me.

* * *

Although it seems as though he is taking part ownership of not knowing, I know quite well that I am the one who has to speak up and tell him what I'm feeling. He's not a mind reader. T knows that I am able to express myself more openly in writing, in the safety of my own home, after giving myself time to sit with the feelings long enough to be able to accurately describe them. I don't believe I would've been able to tell him in such detail how I was feeling, face to face. I guess I'm just disappointed that when T came on so harshly on Saturday, that I didn't stop him and tell him what I needed from him. I was too shocked at what I was hearing, seeing and sensing from him that I just sunk....

At the same time though, I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. He is the professional...and I am sure many, many clients aren't able to express themselves so openly and honestly...or even recognize what it is that they want/need/feel....and to not even give it a chance - responding to my recount of events on Friday night - with such distaste....is on him, not me.

I am hoping this will be learning lesson for both of us. For him, perhaps to be more delicate towards clients in such a state of despair....and for me, to be able to work harder at recognizing my feelings and building up the courage to express them face to face. So hard tho.

Weighing it all out, I think I done good....

[Sannah]

MUE, it is all about learning. No one with issues can identify their feelings and speak about them in the moment to get their needs met at first. If we could have done that we wouldn't have needed therapy! You did the right thing. 1) You figured out that you didn't like what happened. 2) You figured out what you didn't like about it and how you felt about it. 3) You spoke out in order to meet your needs. You did great! This is a process and one day you will figure it out much faster and act right away. You will get there gradually. Me, well, I don't think fast and never will so I always come back the next day and finish up and this is A okay with me. It isn't the speed but that we take care of it.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

MUE, it is all about learning. No one with issues can identify their feelings and speak about them in the moment to get their needs met at first. If we could have done that we wouldn't have needed therapy! You did the right thing. 1) You figured out that you didn't like what happened. 2) You figured out what you didn't like about it and how you felt about it. 3) You spoke out in order to meet your needs. You did great! This is a process and one day you will figure it out much faster and act right away. You will get there gradually. Me, well, I don't think fast and never will so I always come back the next day and finish up and this is A okay with me. It isn't the speed but that we take care of it.

Thanks, Sannah....I am taking your feedback in....and am trying not to be so hard on myself....

[zooropa]

god yes, you did good MUE! That was huge. It's so hard to identify feelings, and then to describe them, and then to have the courage to share that insight. You did GREAT!

[Kiya]

this is totally me too; in shock when t reacts like that. t wants me to say what i need to say in the moment - but when it feels like a direct attack, my mind goes numb and i just sit there. i also do better at writing - i am glad you were able to articulate clearly what you needed to and to send it. hopefully this will get resolved well.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am able to express myself more openly in writing, in the safety of my own home, after giving myself time to sit with the feelings long enough to be able to accurately describe them. I don't believe I would've been able to tell him in such detail how I was feeling, face to face. I guess I'm just disappointed that when T came on so harshly on Saturday, that I didn't stop him and tell him what I needed from him. I was too shocked at what I was hearing
and I am sure many, many clients aren't able to express themselves so openly and honestly...or even recognize what it is that they want/need/feel....

and for me, to be able to work harder at recognizing my feelings and building up the courage to express them face to face. So hard tho.

Weighing it all out, I think I done good....

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

At first, I was feeling pretty good about expressing myself so openly to T, so that he could get a better understanding....so I succeeded in that.

His response, though, was a bit unsettling....I'll repost it here:

MUE,

Your recall of what led up to your apt. and what took place during it gives me a much better appreciation for where you were and how you were affected. I wish I would have known this at the time or been better at helping you express it. I have a very strong sense of what you are feeling right now toward me.

MUE, how was your T's response unsettling? It sounds like he now understands so much better than before where you were at the time he threatened you with termination. I didn't get to read your letter to him so perhaps I'm not getting the full picture. I think his response sounds OK! It sounds like you two were on completely different pages when he made the threat. Although he didn't say it, I have the feeling that if he had understood better then, he wouldn't have threatened you. I think he could learn a lot from this!

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotoins

Although it seems as though he is taking part ownership of not knowing, I know quite well that I am the one who has to speak up and tell him what I'm feeling. He's not a mind reader.

Yes, but he is the professional therapist, and he should make sure he knows where his client is at before he does something as major as threaten termination.

Originally Posted by mixeup_emotions

I guess I'm just disappointed that when T came on so harshly on Saturday, that I didn't stop him and tell him what I needed from him. I was too shocked at what I was hearing, seeing and sensing from him that I just sunk....

MUE, I think you're being really hard on yourself. The relationship is two-way. It's not all your responsibility to make things go well with your T. Your T has to do his part too, for example, stopping himself before he comes on so harshly, pausing to check his assumptions before he threatens termination, asking you for clarification on how you're feeling, etc. These are basic communication skills. This is not all on you.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am sure many, many clients aren't able to express themselves so openly and honestly...or even recognize what it is that they want/need/feel....and to not even give it a chance - responding to my recount of events on Friday night - with such distaste....is on him, not me.

?? What do you mean he responded to your recount of events with distaste? That sounds terrible. Was this in his response to you? (Sorry, I didn't see it--I came to the thread after you deleted your first post.)

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sunrise

MUE, how was your T's response unsettling? It sounds like he now understands so much better than before where you were at the time he threatened you with termination. I didn't get to read your letter to him so perhaps I'm not getting the full picture. I think his response sounds OK! It sounds like you two were on completely different pages when he made the threat. Although he didn't say it, I have the feeling that if he had understood better then, he wouldn't have threatened you. I think he could learn a lot from this!

I guess I see it as unsettling because I did not make it clear to him what I was feeling and what I needed, in order for him to respond accordingly. If I was more clear, open, honest, etc. then perhaps things wouldn't have happened the way they did. I can clearly see that by feeling this, I am taking more ownership than I need to.

Yes, but he is the professional therapist, and he should make sure he knows where his client is at before he does something as major as threaten termination.

MUE, I think you're being really hard on yourself. The relationship is two-way. It's not all your responsibility to make things go well with your T. Your T has to do his part too, for example, stopping himself before he comes on so harshly, pausing to check his assumptions before he threatens termination, asking you for clarification on how you're feeling, etc. These are basic communication skills. This is not all on you.

You're absolutely right. HE is the therapist who has been doing this for 20 years. Going straight to threatening termination is just downright scary.

?? What do you mean he responded to your recount of events with distaste? That sounds terrible. Was this in his response to you? (Sorry, I didn't see it--I came to the thread after you deleted your first post.)

When I explained to T during my session what happened that led to my making an appt. with him, he immediately felt that I was giving up and putting myself in harms way - and out of anger and desperation, he threatened termination...ok, so he says that he wouldn't characterize it as a threat...it was a threat to me. Instead of trying to understand where I was at the time emotionally, what I was feeling, what I needed - he went straight to pushing me to change course with my situation with my neighbor OR ELSE.....It just was awful in so many ways. Blech.

But we're working towards mending things, I guess. He says he has a very strong sense of how I'm feeling towards him right now. Makes me wonder what he's sensing and feeling....and how we will address it at my next session. I don't even want to go at this point. I am going to hate looking him in the eyes and addressing this situation. So much easier for me to do in writing....And it's my last session before going away for 10 days, so I won't see him for 2 weeks. ACK.

[zooropa]

bad time to have to take a break, sorry about that, MUE.

it's kind of freaky to think about a T doing anything out of desperation and anger, because I'd like to think Ts are "above" that kind of behavior, but I guess it's a good reminder that they are just human. It is also another opportunity for you to work through this stuff, and as painful as these ruptures are, they have always ended with me feeling closer to T in the end.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am going to hate looking him in the eyes and addressing this situation.

Why?......

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Why?......

...because I feel embarrassed at the idea of being so affected by him, and that I struggle with feelings of attachment...

[zooropa]

I totally get that, MUE. It IS embarrassing for me, as an adult woman, to admit to feelings of abandonment or attachment to T. I have thoughts that I should be over that by now, or stronger than that. But I know that I have these issues not because of some inner failure of my own but because of the failures of the people who were supposed to take care of me when I was growing up.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I totally get that, MUE. It IS embarrassing for me, as an adult woman, to admit to feelings of abandonment or attachment to T. I have thoughts that I should be over that by now, or stronger than that. But I know that I have these issues not because of some inner failure of my own but because of the failures of the people who were supposed to take care of me when I was growing up.

Zoo, did you address this with T? It makes me sick to my stomach to think about having that discussion with T. I don't want to feel attached. The emotional involvement is torture to me....It's like that teenage surge of drama when one little thing happens and the world is falling apart....

Blech. I prefer to be distant and rational....which I guess doesn't really work well in therapy. Double blech.

[rainbow8]

I've spent 15 years with different Ts being rational and distant. It was safe but didn't get me too far. This is the first time I'm attaching in a different way, and yes, it's very scary. I thought I was attached to my other Ts, and I was, but I still kept my distance, both emotional and physical. I was obsessed with them rather than letting us be attached in a normal way. I understand about not wanting T to see you're affected by him. It's the hardest part of therapy, but I think it's where the most growth occurs.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I've spent 15 years with different Ts being rational and distant. It was safe but didn't get me too far. This is the first time I'm attaching in a different way, and yes, it's very scary. I thought I was attached to my other Ts, and I was, but I still kept my distance, both emotional and physical. I was obsessed with them rather than letting us be attached in a normal way. I understand about not wanting T to see you're affected by him. It's the hardest part of therapy, but I think it's where the most growth occurs.

Thanks, Rainbow.....

It's so scary and confusing....especially when these ruptures happen, and I end up all out of sorts. Ack. It's also really scary to me that T can be so gentle and caring....and then other times be a total bully and threatening to terminate if I didn't do what he felt was in my best interest. To me, that's just as dysfunctional as real life. I've had more than my fair share of craziness in life - so some distance was safe. But to immerse myself fully in the scary emotional rollercoaster of therapy - with the looming threat of him pulling the rug out from under me, etc. is just not sitting well with me at the moment.

I have a session with him on Thursday, right before going away for two weeks....and, of course, here I am wondering whether or not I want to cancel and just pick up when I get back. I'm avoiding it, as you can see....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

The emotional involvement is torture to me....

Hmmmm........ Can you talk about this in therapy?

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It's also really scary to me that T can be so gentle and caring....and then other times be a total bully and threatening to terminate if I didn't do what he felt was in my best interest. To me, that's just as dysfunctional as real life. ....

This is so normal. This is taking care of yourself. It is also normal to keep moving forward and to not stop working in the relationship so that it is good for you.