[zooropa]

I cancelled my session for today and rescheduled for tomorrow because I was out of town and wanted an extra day to play.

I really feel kind of conflicted about even going to T tomorrow, though. It feels like a million years since I saw her last week. I think it's because it was a very disconnected type session and I never did feel like my T was really there with me. Then we had this kind of rupture and I think I worked through it but it was just another thing that makes me feel less close to T.

I've never missed or postponed an appointment before, and doing that has kind of opened up the idea to me that I have been building more of a life outside of T. Also last week we didn't do trauma work and I'm not particularly wanting to go back to that.

I guess what I'm not doing a very good job of saying is that I feel kind of distant and withdrawn from my T right now and it feels GOOD in a sad kind of way. It's much less painful than that I NEED T feeling I have grown so used to. Part of me wants to just prolong the separation, prolong this feeling I have right now of not needing T so much.

She told me she's going out of town later this week, so I guess that's part of it too. Why go in there and open myself up and dig up all that pain, only to be alone with it again?

I'd like to call her right now to cancel for tomorrow but I'm afraid the minute I do I will regret it and freak out. Kind of in a catch-22 here

[granite1]

hey zoo yay for allowning yourself to have some play time i think that is awsome i know it isnt easy for youi still think you should keep your appointment tomorrow i think you will feel bad tomorrow if you dont.i know its hard but i think you should keep it

[WePow]

(((((( Zoo )))))) Why not go in and share what you just shared here?
You are very right that it sometimes is easier to NOT go to session... esp when things are so hard that we are working on. My mentor the retired Ph.D. told me "Therapy done right hurts. The only thing that hurts worse is not doing therapy when it is needed."

You are doing great work.

[Sannah]

When you don't want to go to therapy is when you need to go the most.

[jexa]

I agree with the others. The work's not done, zoo.. I know it's like opening up a wound over and over.. and when it starts to close up we just want to leave it that way because it is less painful.. but you have to release the infection that is in that wound. Blahhh I need to practice what I preach.

[zooropa]

I went to my session, of course. No matter how much I think I don't want to go, I always do. I guess that's good, although I have kind of a fantasy of someday being so busy and having such a full life that I don't think about therapy & forget to go. That is.....so not where I am right now.

It was good. Hard. We reconnected, that felt good. I held Ts eyes for the longest I ever have, not that it was that long but it felt long. Her eyes are beautiful.

I didn't bring a diary card with me, which I always do, because I didn't want T to know how much I've been drinking. I figure I can get away with that once, because I never forget my diary cards, but if I keep it up she will figure it out.

We talked a little bit about where we are going in therapy (that after we are done doing this kind of exposure where I tell the story, we will start in vivo exposure. I'm familiar with that from all the reading I've done, but T has never talked about it to me before.)

Then we went back to me telling the story. Just pretty much picking up where we left off 2 weeks ago. I didn't get any further in the story but I'm not surprised by that. It was REALLY hard to say those things, even though I've said them twice before. It is probably the worst part of a horrible story. I don't know if I will ever be able to tell it without difficulty.

I had a pretty intense flashback at one point. I hate that.

T said some really reassuring things about my progress, and I told her I needed to hear that it's okay that it's taking me so long and that it's so hard. She said, what you are doing is okay. It's not okay that this happened and that you have to talk about it, but you're doing it right. That felt good.

so, that was my session. I don't know how long it will take to finish telling the story. I don't know how many times I'll have to tell it before I can get through it without dissociating, and I hate not knowing. But I feel like I AM making progress and that my T will be there with me, no matter how long it takes.

Mostly right now I'm just numb and tired.

(((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))

Good for you for going. There have been so many times when I've been tempted to not go, and almost all of those times ended up being really important sessions.

Let yourself rest if you can. You are working hard.

[zooropa]

argh. Remembering now all the things I wanted to talk to T about but couldn't think of in the moment. I sent her an email a week ago asking for a letter that I can take to court, and never got a reply to the email so I was going to check if she got it. Totally forgot.

[googley]

(((((Zoo)))))

I'm glad you went and you were able to reconnect with your T. That is so important.

[zooropa]

uggghhh. This is the bad part. It's here. It's sitting alone in my apartment and feeling...just, everything. Feeling it all and feeling it again and again and being so alone with it. Thinking that it's not going to end and it's not going to get better and I'm going to feel like this forever. This is the bad part.

[googley]

((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having to sit with this. I will sit with you.

[jexa]

Oh God, that is the worst part. It comes in waves and waves and here we are trapped in its grip. What is that awful force that makes the pain stick like this? It's SO UNFAIR to have to relive, relive, relive it. I have absolutely no words for this.. it's awful and I'm sorry it's happening to you. It's awful and I can't wait to hear from you when the story is told and you're REALLY not alone with it.. and I'm looking forward even more to the day you come on PC and you can really say you have found deep healing for this pain.

[zooropa]

I'm just trying to keep writing here because I don't know what else to do. I feel like I want to do anything, anything, to stop feeling how I feel right now. And I can hear my T telling me that it will pass, that it's like a wave that comes and goes, and I know that is true, but it just keeps coming and only goes for a second and then it's back and how am I ever going to sleep when I know this is waiting for me the instant I let down my guard? So all I can do is sit here and let the waves come and feel it and feel it and feel it until I can't DO it anymore and I break and that's it.

[googley]

((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))

Still here with you. Keep posting. You will be okay. You are so strong.

[jexa]

Zoo, do you know how you get out of a Chinese finger trap?

[zooropa]

(((jexa))) yes, and I used to keep one in my DBT toolkit to remind myself. It's the same thing my T was telling me earlier today: when those feelings start to come up, just let them come. Don't try to fight it. Let it come and feel it go.
I know it's true. It just doesn't feel true, right this second.

[googley]

These things are always so much harder to put these things into practice when we are distressed. But you already know that. You can do this. Try to remember the times in the past (all of them) where you have made it through and it has gone away. It may not seem like it, but it will go away again.

((((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))))

It feels SOOOOOOOOOOOO awful. I remember really, honestly being sure that I wouldn't make it through it - that I would just not survive, or I would have to stop telling my story, or SOMETHING so I could function. It just hurts, and even when I could distract myself a little bit, it would come back.

It will get better. It WILL. T tells me that it will always be there a little - that the stories will resurface for whatever reason, and that it just sucks, but that that's how it works. BUT. I am on the other side of that overwhelming, gut-wrenching pain. Eventually, it lifts. I wish I knew why, or how, but it does. It does.

Even though every second feels like an eternity, know that time is passing, and that with each passing moment, you are a moment closer to healing.

Hugs and hugs and love

[zooropa]

thank you so much for being here with me tonight. I'm sorry to be so messy and YUCK in such a public place. It feels wrong, but the support here is what I needed most of all. I'm suddenly exhausted and going to bed and just hoping I don't dream what I know I will dream. Tomorrow's another day. With any luck it will be marginally better.

[googley]

((((((Zoo))))))

We are here for you. We have all had our times of needing support and putting the yucky stuff out for others to see. It is hard. But we are here for you. We are here for you no matter what is going on. I hope you are able to sleep well.

[jexa]

Yeah I feel you about putting yucky stuff up. That's exactly what I've been doing lately -- spilling my guts on PC, self-loathing for it. Hey but this is what PC is for. We all come here because we know what it's like to struggle and sometimes fall apart. Anyway I'm trying to say no one here could possibly judge you. zoo, I want to say that I really consider you courageous. I want to know what's going on for you and I want to root for you.

[zooropa]

I slept better than I thought I would. That's something!

This morning I'm feeling physically the aftermath of yesterday's session. My legs are sore from clenching those muscles so hard, the same with my arms. My lips are swollen and sore from biting them. My jaw hurts from clenching. It's like a constant reminder that I went through something huge yesterday. Today is for resting, I hope.

Trying not to freak out about my T going out of town tomorrow. I think she'll still be available by phone. I hope so.

[googley]

I'm glad you were able to sleep last night. I'm sorry you are so tight in your muscles. Can you do some slow stretches to relax? Or a nice hot shower? Take care of yourself.

[zooropa]

T just called me to say she won't be available by phone after today until next week. Exactly what I was hoping to not hear. I couldn't even talk to her, I just said "ok, thanks, bye". $hit.

this is hitting me hard. It was SO hard to open up to T yesterday. Now I feel like I have to get through the whole rest of the week without her. I don't know if I can do that. I didn't call her last night because I thought I could call her today if I needed to. Now I feel like I HAVE to call her today if I want to speak to her at all. I'm really kind of freaking out.

[googley]

Originally Posted by zooropa

T just called me to say she won't be available by phone after today until next week. Exactly what I was hoping to not hear. I couldn't even talk to her, I just said "ok, thanks, bye". $hit.

this is hitting me hard. It was SO hard to open up to T yesterday. Now I feel like I have to get through the whole rest of the week without her. I don't know if I can do that. I didn't call her last night because I thought I could call her today if I needed to. Now I feel like I HAVE to call her today if I want to speak to her at all. I'm really kind of freaking out.

I'm so sorry your T will be out of contact. Does she have someone who covers for her while she is gone?

I know we are not the same as being able to talk to your T, but, we are here for you too.