said goodbye to T

why does my life have to be unraveling right when my T is going to be gone for so long? It's like some cosmic joke, but not funny.

I just talked to her and she told me so many loving things, nurturing things. To be gentle with myself, to allow myself to feel the pain, to let it wash over me, and that if I do that it won't feel this bad the next time. I told her I'm going to remember that she said that.

I told her I want her to just make it go away, and I know she can't. She said she would if she could, but what she's teaching me, the work she's doing with me, is the only way she knows of alleviating my pain.

She said I am my own mother, and I always was. So I can find the love and nurturing and strength inside of me, where it has always been. That yes, of course it hurts that my mother doesn't love me and doesn't believe me, but that's about HER and not about ME.

T said that yes, it's going to feel like my heart's being ripped out, and allow it to feel like my heart's being ripped out. Yes, it's going to feel like my guts are being ripped out, and allow it to feel like my guts are being ripped out.

I told her that I left to go buy some razor blades, but I came home instead. I want so badly to do everything, anything, to stop feeling this way, but more than that I want to not feel this way in the future. If I give in now, I will feel ok, for a while, but it will come back harder later. I just keep breathing and trying to breathe into the pain and find that part deep inside me that is still okay.

I am going to miss my T so much, it almost takes my breath away thinking about it. I don't know why this is happening now, the timing is ridiculous, but it is what it is.

I just really wanted to say all that so I can come back here and read it in the days ahead. I'm sorry if I'm treating this board like my blog. I feel so alone and abandoned and I guess I want, need, to feel some connection, some where.

Mostly I'm sad, deep deep down where all the busy-ness and distraction in the world can't touch. I sometimes wonder if my core isn't just a never-ending well of sadness.

(((( zoo ))))

The timing of it does stink, big time.....But you can hold onto the things your T said. She really does show you that she cares. And in the meantime, you do have such strength and courage. Sometimes we fall, but we pick ourselves back up again and move forward...that takes strength.

And please don't apologize for posting....PC is such an awesome place. And you really are cared for here. I have come to have such a soft spot in my heart for so many here....I think about you. I feel for you. I care and want to know how you're doing and what you're going through. So, please keep posting....

MUE, thank you.

I'm crying and I don't often cry. I don't even know. I guess it's good?

I just feel so mixed up and sad and alone and I don't know what all.

My T hates it when I say I don't know. It feels good to come here and say I DON'T KNOW to my heart's content, lol.

It's okay to not know sometimes

I'm SO glad that T left you with so many loving words to hang onto while she's gone. And I'm glad you wrote them here - so you can come back to them, and so we can help you remember them if you start to forget.

The pain goes away. I promise.

Crying can be very healing...and therapeutic in itself. So, try to allow yourself to cry, even if you don't know what you're crying about. To feel such pain, to feel so sad, is enough....It gets overwhelming, especially when it all just swirls around...the tornado...

The other day, I was coming home from a doctor's appointment when I was experiencing excruciating knee pain. I got a cortizone shot and the dr apparently hit something when doing it, and I was writhing in agony for about 25 minutes. The dr was very concerned, even ran out to get me a cup of water, had a nurse keep an eye on me, checked in on me until the pain started to subside....and then re-evaluated me before letting me leave.

On the way home, I had a total meltdown....tears were just pouring down, and I didn't know why at the time. Just overwhelmed by everything...the misery...the emotional pain....the physical pain....and the cry really helped. I was wiped out afterwards, which felt somewhat peaceful....

I hope you can find some peace tonight, zoo....somehow.

I was thinking that same thing, if I have a good cry maybe I will sleep tonight.

I'm sorry you went through that pain, that sounds horrible.

((((((((Zoo))))))))))

ugh. Someone tell me I am going to be okay. I haven't cut, haven't used drugs or alcohol, I'm trying so hard. And I feel like I'm coming apart.

just keep swimming, right?

((((( zoo )))))

You ARE ok. You ARE. Even now, when you feel like you're coming unglued. You are OK....And things will get better. Remember, these feelings will pass. It's hard to imagine that right now, but they will.

You are doing such an awesome job of not resorting to unhealthy ways of coping. I hope you can find a way to ride these waves until they pass. Take deep breaths. You ARE ok....I mean it.

god. thank you, MUE. That's what my T says to me, too. I have been working so hard on being able to tell myself that I'm okay. Sometimes it's easier than others. So, thank you.

If I can get through this in one piece i know I will feel so much better, and I can look back on this and see that I got through it and draw strength from that. I just have to not DO anything. And sometimes that's the hardest thing possible.

It is hard. So hard. You know the waves are strong and powerful....but you are stronger. Don't fight the waves, because that will just wipe you out. Just ride them....until they die down. You can do it, zoo....Maybe drink something warm, cozy up with a blanket and read a good book, or watch a fun show on TV....something to help you while riding the waves....I hope you get some sleep tonight, zoo. Rest is essential, ya know....Otherwise, your energy will continue to deplete...and that, I've found, is such a huge part of my sinking....

(( HUGS ))

Intense feelings sometimes seem like they require some kind of action. You are absolutely right, you have to not do anything.
Positive, healthy self-loving and self-soothing is encouraged though!

I'm really due for a good night's sleep. My new meds aren't helping on that front, and today I increased my dose so. It doesn't really matter anyway, sleep is an ongoing issue for me. It seems like I used to have a night or 2 every month where I'd sleep for 12 or 14 hrs and that helped, I am definitely overdue for that.

I really think I won't sleep good until I'm done doing trauma work and somehow the nightmares will stop.

I'm just distracting myself by chatting on and on about sleep. You are right about riding the waves, MUE. Fighting them is exhausting and futile. I'm going to make some tea & think about reading in bed for a while or something.

thank you

((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

(((( zoo ))))

How are you feeling now? Were you able to get some sleep? Thinking of you...

zoo you will be ok and i am so glad you were strong enough to turn around.just remember you did that and you made those decisions and that is awsome and so good.just remember that you will be seeing T soon even if it feels so far away.

{{Zoo}} I hope you were able to sleep well last night. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to help you out, but just please know that you are cared about here. Keep posting, let it all out here. You say you have to not DO anything, but posting here IS doing something - something positive. You will make it through this. The time will pass. Keep posting, let us support you. {{Zoo}}

thank you all for helping me get through last night. It's not just my T being gone, which is hard enough, but all the other stuff going on with my extended family right now, it's kind of overwhelming.

but I did sleep, and I do feel better. I feel tired and wrung out and sad, but not desperately sad like last night.

I just keep reminding myself that I have everything I need within myself. If I continue to feel like I don't exist except in the presence of someone else, I'll never get better and I'll never feel truly happy. So I'm spending a lot of time just breathing and feeling my breath and trying to love myself. Also thinking of all the things I have, all the positives in my life, instead of the emptiness and the things I've lost or never had in the first place.

Zoo, when you feel you need to DO something, can you try and go for a walk, or do some more intense exercise? It will satisfy those "want to do" urges and will be calming and helpful at the same time, rather than self-destructive. It will also help you sleep better. Seek out positive people and friends you enjoy spending time with.

I hope you get through this nice and safe. Let go and ride the waves.

thats a good idea, ocean. My T encourages me to do the same thing. I have a lot of anxiety about just going out of my apartment so I haven't been walking much, but I hope that's going to change. My dog would love it if I walked her more often.

So, I had a meeting with my case manager this afternoon and found out they are planning on me being done with DBT next month.

Um, no. So we are going to have another meeting with the county, who pays for my services, and ask them to pay for another year. Trying really hard not to freak out about losing my T. Trying to just trust that it will be okay and it will work out somehow. I'm right in the middle of trauma work and losing my T now would be...devastating. Truly.

Just another thing for me to breathe through and not spiral out about, since I can't call my T and ask her about it. Just keep swimming.

that is scarey.i'm sure things will be ok it is probibly just formalities and paperwork. and let us know how it goes

((((((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))))))

OMG! That is awful. I hope your T can talk some sense into them when she gets back. Could they mean that you just wont go to the group appointments, but you will continue with your T?

Keep us updated. We are here for you.

Zoo, hang in there, I got to this a little late but was going to say that if you are in Pac NW like I am; that is how our emotions can be some days,,, looking in the sky and it is dark and grey but if we just turn 180 degrees we can see sunshine and lite and fluffy clouds... I hope you don't have to look for another t, safe hugs

I had to go through this process before with my T, we had a big meeting with the people from the county & my T drove all the way out here to be there (it's like an hour from her town to mine, one way!)

So, I know what to expect this time, and I told my case mgr today that I would give an impassioned plea to them to keep paying and she said "I will too, and I'm sure T will too!". I know the county and state are strapped right now (who isn't?) but they need to be reminded how much it was costing them to pay for my near-constant hospitalizations before I started DBT. It IS expensive, but much less so than ER visits and CCU stays and in-patient psych care. MUCH less.

I really wish my T was around so I could call her and she could reassure me about this, but it's an opportunity for me to reassure myself, and that's what I want more than anything. To be able to be okay on my own.

no, I finished the DBT skills training group almost a year ago. I know that when I started with my T she told me it was a 2 year program, and that 2 years is going to be up at the end of October. But I also know that she has told me several times recently that she won't drop me, that she won't refer me out or quit seeing me until we are done with all the trauma. So I'm holding on to that. I think if the county won't pay then she may see me pro bono or on a steep sliding scale. I trust that I won't be dumped out on my own until I'm done with this work we're doing.