said goodbye to T

Okay ... YOU ARE DOING OKAY!!! You are doing "this" really well and I'm proud of you for doing such good self care.

I do hope you won't ruminate about all the possible problems with this situation (even though you have been through such before) ... you don't need the extra worry and you can't do anything until the day you need to meet or talk or whatever.

I don't know the whole situation ... it sounded like you lost your T, then just can't see her any more, to maybe she's taking a long vacation or sick leave??? In any sense though, it's very tough to go without your T whom you trust and who "glues" you together.

One foot after the other.

((((((((((((( Zoo ))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry I am just now seeing your post and able to respond. But you are doing SO well in the work you are doing!!! When you see your T again, can you be brave enough to ask her about the worst case scenario? You really need to know exactly what to expect. BIG BIG hugs to you!

Thinking of you, zoo

tried to post this last night but then PC went down

JD, sorry I wasn't very clear in my OP, I was just upset and not thinking that clearly. No, I didn't lose my T, she just went on vacation, lol. I'll see her in a little over a week. I think that talking to her on Thurs night while it was really, really helpful, was also difficult because I knew it was the last time I'd talk to her before she left. And after the hugely emotional week I had, it just really made me sad.

I'm not worrying too much about the funding issue. I trust my T when she says she is going to walk through this with me, all the way. And she has told me more than once "I didn't carry you this far to drop you now." Also my case manager said she won't let that happen (the county refusing to pay for my therapy). So, it does freak me out a little bit, because I just don't like to think about anything changing with T, but mostly I'm ok with it. And that in itself is enormous progress for me!!

Hi Zoo,

I know this might sounds hard put can you put off thinking about the future of your therapy and the county stuff for now, until T is back? You have quite enough to deal with already: your T's vacation and the family stuff is enough for you to handle. You can't do anything about sorting the future of your therapy right now, and worrying about it is unproductive. Discuss it with yout T when she is back, but until then put it into the procrastination drawer and throw away the key, okay?

If I was your dog I'd bark until you took me out for that nice walk you promised...

Take care,

(((((((Zoo)))))))))

Sorry I haven't been on for awhile. I think you're going to be okay too. You sound like you're handling this "test" well, even the problem with your DBT and the county payments. Before you know it, T will be back. Just take 1 day at a time.

I'm doing pretty well. I have some new memories that came up during and after my session last week and that is hard. They are really pushing at me, whether I'm awake or asleep. But I think I'm ok.

I'm really looking at this as an opportunity to see how well I can take care of myself (emotionally). I've been saying that I want to get to a place where I can tell myself I'm okay and I'm going to be okay, and T being gone is a good chance for me to practice that. I don't like the feeling of relying on someone else to complete me or stabilize me. Because T is not always here with me, and inevitably, eventually I won't have T anymore.
I am stuck with me, however, so I'm working really really hard at loving myself and cheerleading myself.

(((zoo)))
I'm so glad that you are treating yourself with respect. Try using some of those self-soothe skills. You deserve it.

Zoo, you are doing GREAT with all these emotions. It is hard to know the silence of being inside our own skins when the sun goes down. But it is also empowering. There is a freedom that can come when we don't need anyone else to give us that emotional fuel. And I know you sound a little like I am - with wanting to be empowered!

Cheering here too!

wepow, yes, I want that power to be okay on my own. I'm not feeling it, but I want it, and I guess that's the first step, right?

I'm not doing too great today. Just spent some time using some negative coping. Haven't slept much the past 3 nights and it's really catching up with me. I can definitely see how being so overtired has increased my emotional vulnerablity.

(((((((( Zoo ))))))))))) YES! To want this is called "hope" .... And yes, hope is the first thing a person must have before wellness can be experienced.

is that what hope is? It's been so long since I felt it, I didn't know.

sometimes getting better is scary. I don't like being depressed & scared but I damn sure know how to do it after all this time. Being healthy, though? No freaking clue how to do that.

I am late to this thread! Haven't been around lately much. But zoo, I am so proud of you.

Oh boy can I relate to that, zoo. My therapist asks me sometimes who would be made wrong if I were healthy. I realized that health is not a part of the "story" of who I am. That for so long I've been on this road where my identity and self are wrapped up in "being messed up," I would have to change my whole story of who I am to be able to be healthy. I don't know if you relate to that but it's what your statement reminded me of.

Zoo, you ARE rewriting your story. It's a beautiful thing. Being healthy? It's not something you have to know how to do. Don't try too hard to do it "right" and keep checking to see if you're doing it "wrong." You're doing it RIGHT NOW. You're doing it by being your own cheerleader right now. You're doing it in the in-between moments. And you already KNOW that being in T has made those in-between moments, those moments you are kind of okay, get longer and longer. That is health.

((jexa))
You said what I imagine my T would say, what she HAS said to me when I told her I don't know how to do this recovery thing. She says, you are doing it. This is how you do it. You're doing it!

I just took a hot bath and felt pretty miserable getting in there but I laid there and followed my breath and told myself over and over I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. I relaxed my face and my hands and let the feeling of being ok wash over me.

I naturally distrust myself, dislike myself and think of myself as a selfish and bad person. I'm trying to change that. When I take a moment to check in with me, like I just did in the bath, I feel deep down inside that my goal is just to get better. I'm not trying to hurt anyone and I'm not taking away from anyone else's happiness if I find some peace for myself. Maybe I'm not such a horrible person after all.

zoo, I am tearing up at your realization. I think it's beautiful that you can see this right now -- that deep down, when you look at yourself honestly, you're not the thing you fear you are. All you want is wellness. THIS. is health, zoo.

((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))

here's what I'm thinking. I laid in bed a long time last night and this morning thinking about this.

maybe...maybe it's time to quit T. Maybe I'll never learn to stand on my own until I don't have T to hold me up. It's like when you learn to ride a bike, at first someone is there to hold you up (if you're lucky) but to really learn to balance they have to let go and you have to pedal on your own.

Maybe I should quit now while I'm feeling sorta strong, because if it happens that I HAVE to quit T and I'm not in a good place, it will be devastating to me.

Maybe this is just my reaction to my T being out of town. Probably I'll change my mind before my session on Monday.

But...maybe. I can hear you all saying "go to T, talk to T about it, get some closure at least" but...I'm just thinking. This might be the time. I'm so scared of losing T when I need her and what that would do to my recovery. Maybe I need to leave on my terms and not anyone else's.

Maybe?

zoo, I think feeling strong enough to quit T is a really good thing, and when you do leave, it WILL be like riding a bike on your own. And I KNOW you can do it, when the time is right! You ARE strong enough to do it on your own. But zoo -- continuing T right now doesn't mean you're not strong. In fact, continuing T right now MEANS that you are being strong. You're not done with the narrative yet -- you're in the middle of the storm, zoo. There's another side, zoo. You ARE being strong, to be willing to go through the storm. But maybe T should stick around until you reach the shore?

((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))

ah, you're right, of course Jexa. I might feel okay right now, but that doesn't mean I don't have to finish processing the trauma.

It's my fear talking, mostly. Wanting to leave T on my own terms and not someone else's, not wanting to lose T when I still need her. I feel distant and separate from her right now and it's hard to think about plunging back into trauma work when she gets back.

But yes. I need to finish. I don't have to think or worry about next week right now, or some unknown future time when I don't have T any more. All I have to deal with is RIGHT NOW and right now I'm okay and I know I can survive without my T. I will hold onto knowing that when the storm starts up again.

My new meds are causing a lot of mood swings, and for me that's saying a LOT because I'm used to mercurial moods. I'm just holding on and waiting for everything to level out once we pinpoint the right dose for me.