[suzzie]

I dont seem to know how to be angry about anything. When I think about the past I have no anger. And in the present I dont get angry. Im never mad. How can this be normal. Surely a person must get mad sometimes. Its only natural.

[Melbadaze]

If we have split the anger off we may only experience it in other ways, perhaps we get attracted to angry people? that way we can witness the anger but not experience it or perhaps you have times when you are impatient with yourself? or forget important things? theres loads of ways anger may manifest itself in your life until you reclaim it.

[Sannah]

How was anger dealt with in your family?

[WikidPissah]

perhaps you get angry but don't express it? I used to think that I never got angry, but a T pointed out that I actually do occasionally, but I bottle it. Examples...when someone pulls out in front of me when I am driving, I get this little "arg" feeling. When my son leaves his towel on the bathroom floor, again a little breath. Never yelling, never even verbalizing any thing at all. Now I have learned to say "this kind of pisses me off a little". I still never get "angry" in the harsh sense of the word, but I acknowledge the small frustrating things in life that do kind of make me angry.

[WePow]

Suzzie... I have learned that there are first two types of anger.

1) Anger turned outward.
2) Anger turned inward.

Usually, the anger turned outward is what most people clearly understand as anger - it can take an aggressive form such road rage, or saying something hurtful to intentionally harm someone else. It can be passive-aggressive, such as offering to help someone out at the office who you are mad at but then doing something that messes up a project knowing they will look bad when something goes wrong. Or it can be very slow in the form of resentment, i.e. each time we see that person we refuse to ask them how they are doing when we ask everyone else how they are.

The second type, anger turned inward, can be the most dangerous type because we often don't even realize it is anger. It can also be aggressive - such as self harm. It can be passive-aggressive - addictions such as drinking and drug use (it makes us high at the time but we are really doing something that is bad for us that will harm us). Or it can be resentment turned inward. That manifests as constant feelings of low self-worth, continual desire to not be alive (( it is the same as the external form of every time you see an enemy you secretly wish they would drop dead)), or refusing to take care of the self - denying self medical attention when needed.

Usually with the internal anger, we feel it as sadness, depression, and remorse. Because it is not the rage emotion we have clearly defined as anger, we think "But I am not angry at all."

I was/am a MASTER of thinking that if I am not in rage with external anger that I am not angry. It has taken a LOT of work to figure out the hidden anger roots that create internal issues.

For me, to find out what I am really angry about that is hidden, I have to go through the steps of discovery. Here is an example from my real life: (I already processed through this but will act as though I have not to demonstrate)

Issue: A strong depression and desire to self harm.
Known feelings: sorrow, isolation, hurting

Drilling down to identify anger:

1) Sorrow - I was happy the day before but find myself very sad now. Something has caused me to move my emotional center away from joy into sorrow.

2) Isolation - I was feeling re-connected to friends and family the day before. Something is making me want to FLEE and remove myself from those people.

3) Hurting - I did not hurt the day before. Today my chest hurts and I feel as though my whole body is on fire.

~~~

The next step is to figure out what changed.

1) When was the last time I remember feeling happy, connected, and not in pain?
A. It was when I was eating dinner the day before.

2) When was the first time I remember feeling the sadness, isolation, and pain?
A. Later that evening before going to bed.

3) What happened during that window of time?
A. 1. I talked with my mom on the phone.
2. I talked with friends on PC.
3. I watched one of my favorite shows on TV.

4) In each event, did I remember anything that was said or done which made me feel uncomfortable?

A. For this situation, talking on PC was fine and watching my TV show was fine. But I can remember the sensation of feeling a bit "off" when talking with my mom.

5) In the event where the feeling is shifted, focus on remembering what the trigger may have been. This takes the most amount of work for me usually. You have to really think and feel at the same time and remember what was said.

A. I usually talk with my dad just to say hello. But on that night, my mom said my dad was busy. I did not talk with him. I am able to feel that this is the triggering event as even remembering it causes me to feel the sorrow, isolation, and pain.

6) With focus on the trigger, find the hidden anger root.

A. My dad was a primary abuser, but I still love him. I am angry at that entire situation anyway - so it is not really the hidden anger, but does add fuel to the NOW.

B. I have been practicing putting my boundaries around talking with my dad. That gives me the empowerment I didn't have as a child. In this situation, I wanted to tell my dad something, but he was controlling the situation and was not talking to me.

C. I feel my heart start to race and my anxiety rise and know I have hit the nail on the head.

7) State the Anger Root

"I am angry because I want to be the one controlling the communication I have with my father."

~~~~

After I am able to clearly identify this anger root, I can see exactly how it ended up manifesting as internal anger that masked as sorrow, isolation, and pain.

Knowing that it really is anger, we can then address the situation the same way we address external anger. There are whole workbooks on this stage :-)

Hope this helps!

[skeksi]

I am working on this very thing with my T. He says--and I believe him--that I am very angry, but I hide it from myself. I can see the anger sometimes in drawings that I do, and in the self-harm that I once did (and still think about).

I am trying hard to tap into it so that it is not all bottled up inside, but it's a very scary thing for me to do. As Eileen says, I am trying to notice the little flashes in my daily life. But the big anger is buried deep.

[BlackCanary]

Maybe you call it a "pet peeve" instead of being angry?
Rude people?
Selfish people?
Mean people?
Anger can be a very stressful experience that I would prefer to avoid. I've learned to set aside anger appropriately, as my anger triggers my stubborn and angry son to fight back! I can yell at him to put on his shoes, and we end up yelling at each other -- or I can help him untie the double knots.
But, I let the anger out sometimes, stomp my feet and say "I'm so angry with you for playing with Lego instead of getting ready!" Then I help him with his shoes.

[suzzie]

Melbadaze, you have some good points. I can be impatient sometimes but definitely do not want to be around angry people.

Sannah, I grew up in a home with a lot of anger. Both my dads (mom married twice) were alcoholics and my mom got mad easily. We often had the police at our door for various reasons. Nobody controlled their anger it was freely expressed in various ways.

Eileen2010, You are right that I probably get angry in a different way rather expressing it.

WePow, thats is an excellent posting.
Because it is not the rage emotion we have clearly defined as anger, we think "But I am not angry at all." This is what I always think. I never feel the anger.

skeksi, I know what you mean about it being scary to face. I dont even wanna even touch on any feelings. Even told my T in an email once. However I have since learnt that this is a big part of trauma t. So, I guess well see.

Black Canary, Using anger appropriately is a skill I need to learn too.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by suzzie

I dont seem to know how to be angry about anything. When I think about the past I have no anger. And in the present I dont get angry. Im never mad. How can this be normal. Surely a person must get mad sometimes. Its only natural.

suzzie, do you think that not being angry about anything is causing you any problems in your life? I ask because I felt some recognition of myself in what you wrote. My therapist told me that anger can be a cover for hurt. Because we don't want to experience the pain and hurt, we cover it with anger. I have uncovered a lot of hurt and pain, and I have wondered if I just kind of skipped over the anger part and went right to the hurt that underlies it? I don't know. I liked what Melba wrote and also WePow. A lot of good wisdom here...

[suzzie]

sunrise, I can see how anger could be a cover to anger. A way to advoid the feelings.

do you think that not being angry about anything is causing you any problems in your life? Good question. When you think about it, I think it actually causes you to allow yourself to be hurt. So many people take advantage of me all the time because they know I wont get mad.

I think that I want to advoid all negative feelings.

It is good that you are able to work on the hurt right. But I also wonder if maybe you took a detour. And anger is still there somewhere maybe. Just a thought.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by suzzie

I also wonder if maybe you took a detour. And anger is still there somewhere maybe. Just a thought.

I agree and sometimes think I can detect it (anger) in myself. I am getting better at it. Therapy has helped. But often it is the hurt beneath the anger, as I wrote before. It is hard for me to experience a number of the negative emotions. I have gotten really good at sadness, though! But hurt and anger are harder. I remember once I was in a situation where I knew most anyone would be angry. But I didn't feel it. I knew I would be expected to be angry, though. It was awful--the pressure to conform and be angry. So I just faked being angry. I felt so stupid and dishonest, but I didn't know what else to do. I have been angry at my therapist twice (truly angry, not faking it). It was scary to be angry. But it was good too.

The reason I asked about if not having anger was causing problems for you in life was because I have heard that unexpressed anger can cause depression. So if you were feeling at all depressed maybe it was due (in part) to the lack of anger? But it sounds like you are doing OK....

Good luck with this. The anger puzzle... First you have to learn to figure out when and if you are angry. Then you have to learn how to express the anger. And there are apparently good ways and bad ways to express anger, and you somehow have to know and choose the right ways. My T makes a distinction between anger and rage, and I don't understand that either.

[suzzie]

sunrise,Wish it were true.

But it sounds like you are doing OK....

I am really good at looking like and sounding like I am fine. Maybe too good. But inside is a whole other reality. I can cover anything.

Ive been in those situations too. Once when I should have been sad. I just kept quiet. I cant imagine being angry at my T. That was good work!

[WePow]

Originally Posted by suzzie

Because it is not the rage emotion we have clearly defined as anger, we think "But I am not angry at all." This is what I always think. I never feel the anger.

Suzzie - EXACTLY! That is why internal anger is the secret poison.
We don't know "what is wrong" but we do know "something" is wrong.
We have often been told/shown our whole lives that it is "wrong" to be angry.

"Oh you should just forgive. They didn't mean anything by it."
or even saying like this one my mom told me all the time: "Boys will be boys!" ((The implication is "You are wrong to be mad because this is something natural that just happens. You should just be prepared for it and expect it. There is nothing you can do or SHOULD do about this."

URRRR!!!!

All of that causes us to stuff away the issue and bury it deep inside of our mind. The result is a festering mess of anger that starts to stink but we don't have a clue as to where the stink is comming from!

[suzzie]

sunrise,

I apologize for my last post. I shouldnt have corrected your thought. It was wrong and has been bugging me.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by suzzie

sunrise,

I apologize for my last post. I shouldnt have corrected your thought. It was wrong and has been bugging me.

I don't think I even noticed. I appreciated hearing your take on what was going on.

[Sannah]

Suzzie, so your growing up around angry people has made you afraid of anger possibly? Did the people that you grew up around suppress your anger? I mean, did they use their anger to suppress your feelings?

You mention that you avoid all negative feelings. Do you understand where this came from?

[suzzie]

Sannah,

Yes, Im afraid to feel anger and express it. I am also afraid of making people angry. As a result, I am constantly monitoring peoples moods and adjusting what I say according to it.

Yes. I became more and more quiet and unexpressive.

No, I just know I dont want to feel most of them. I realize that I dont have a problem feeling fear and shame, which are negative. But in general I avoid negative feelings.