Many will think this was NOT okay to do

MUE and Geez: My former T used to say that part of me didn't grow up. My current T says that we all have different parts, and often child parts are stuck in the roles they used to have.

MUE, I wasn't always so honest in therapy. It's happened gradually through the years. I am so tired of hiding my "real self" and my feelings like I did my whole life. It seems like I have to "spill it all out" to my T. I also feel like time is running out and if I don't do it with this T, I never will.

Eileen, I can see your point but I don't think going by my Ts house once is stalking. If I did it again and again, that would definitely be stalking. I'm going to ask my T if she considers it stalking and I will post what she says.

Preacher, thanks for posting your experience. That's reassuring to know that your T said it's common for clients to drive past their T's houses. My T will just want to discuss why I did it too.

WOW Wow WOW~!!
Now that would totally freak me out to discover that my BOSS was MY T's WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Okay creepy. I am officially creeped out!

It was strange enough to me to discover throughout time that we knew some of the same people (not friends, just acquaintances--we share the same religion so we travel in similar circles).

I KNOW what you mean about the wealth thing. I understand that therapists can make some decent buck. However, I always struggle internally (and sometimes openly with my T) with whether or not he ***GETS ME*** or not due to his higher socio-economic status and upbringing. So, now you know you aren't the only one, in case you wondered...

VenusHalley: Yes, I have real people in my life but for the first time in years of therapy, I am, with this Ts consent, letting her see the vulnerable child parts of me who need to speak. I do IFS therapy, so my T wants me to tell her what the child parts need. She says it's okay to get the needs met by her right now, but the goal is for me to give all my parts what they need. I appreciate your reply and you are correct but I'm not "there" yet.

deli, your viewpoint is valid though I disagree. I don't feel sad because I don't think it was wrong to drive past my T's house once. I've been triggered by her trip and it was something I couldn't stop myself from doing. I don't think she will be upset.

Peaches, yes she was scared because I looked up stuff about her parents online. I don't think she'll be scared now because she knows me a lot better. I feel different about it now, too. I feel more compassionate to my parts, including those who wanted to see her house. I know what the little parts want, and I'm working with them.

bloom, yes I plan to discuss with my T what parts felt they needed to do this and why. I know it's rooted in my childhood and T will want to hear all about it so the parts can unburden themselves and move on. That's what IFS therapy is all about!

I didn't answer everyone who told me they thought it was okay to drive past Ts house. Thanks for your replies.

I think this is a fascinating topic.

rainbow, I don't think what you did is particularly wrong, it's not like you left them a note in their mailbox, rang the doorbell, looked in the windows, parked outside and watched for hours, etc. Your therapist is not a robot or a computer, and neither are you. He/she is a regular person just like you and me and you have to make a personal connection. It's very easy to become curious about them, especially if you've been working with them for a very long time. It seems so unfair, doesn't it? They know every last detail about you, and you know next to nothing about them. And especially if you really like them as a person—someone you could see yourself becoming acquainted with if they were never your doctor—it's natural to want to learn more about them. But as long as you can control that curiosity and don't cross that boundary, it's fine. Is your curiosity satisfied by doing it just this one time? If it is, I wouldn't worry about it. But what if it isn't and you start to obsess over it? Maybe it starts to bother you how she has such a nice house/she sure seems happy/she must have major coin, etc.? Then that can hinder your progress and you should terminate (just my opinion, obviously I don't know you or your whole story). You really should tell her, though, since this does involve physically approaching her outside of therapy even though you had no intention of taking the excursion any further. She may not like it...maybe she had something happen to her from a patient in the past. These people have to work with some pretty fragile people (not suggesting you are) and who knows what can happen sometimes. She may have a young family she wants to protect.

Once every few months or so, my therapist will self-disclose something if she sees it as something relevant or helpful to what we're talking about. If she starts going there, I sometimes tell her she doesn't have to disclose anything, it's none of my business...while of course on the inside, I'm thinking "YES something else to learn about her!" LOL But she responds, "thank you, I appreciate that but it's OK".

As far as my own personal "investigations" into my therapist, it has been three things:

1) I have to look up her address/phone number sometimes, and it's on a website of a professional group of behavioral health therapists that has her picture, qualifications, where she went to school, her treatment approaches (which styles - cognitive-behavioral, psychodynamic etc.) I find it comforting to me to make a connection in that way.

2) Once many years ago, she called my cell phone telling me she was home sick and had to cancel our visit (she did not sound well at all). It was a number I did not recognize. My curiosity got the better of me and I looked to see which town the exchange was from (the first 3 digits).

3) I was taking a few psychology classes in college (again, many years ago) and had access to pretty much any article in any journal that I wanted to look up. I had to do it for class...we had to write papers and summaries about a couple different ones. Of course, I did a search for her to see what kind of articles she wrote, but I absolutely never thought of doing a paper on one of hers, #1 it would be strange and a boundary violation and #2 none of them were relevant to what I had to look up anyway. I also did the same searches on all the other therapists I had seen in the past. They are all pretty boring articles, full of equations and statistics and you learn nothing personally about the authors anyway.

I also have had 3 situations where our personal lives crossed into our relationship, all things out of our control:

1) One time, she left me a voicemail saying she wasn't feeling well and needed to cancel. I didn't get it because my cell service was particularly bad that day. So I showed up, and she happened to be there because she had to get her mail or something. She wasn't wearing work clothes and I felt really bad about it, like I wasn't supposed to be there. She told me she left a message and I explained what must have happened. Then she told me she could see me for a half-hour (which was above and beyond generous) but we would have to wrap it up then. Again, I felt really embarrassed for a while after but never brought it up...she didn't either. I should tell you that I have social phobia so any encounters "out of the ordinary" like this are very anxiety-provoking for me.

2) After a visit I discovered I locked my keys in the car, along with my phone inside. LOL, I died a little inside because I knew I was going to have to ask her to use her phone, I had to get back to school and there was nowhere nearby that would have a pay phone without a considerable walk. There were houses nearby, but I do not feel comfortable at all going to someone's house to ask to use their phone. I reasoned that at least I knew her. So I trudged back into her building and told her I was back and asked if I could use the phone. She gave me her cell phone to use, and to leave it on the table when I was done because she had to get ready for another client. It was so weird!

3) Around this time 5 years ago, I mentioned that I was going to see U2 and she said, "me too." This is dorky, but I was really hoping I would not run into her there...of course I didn't, it's an arena of almost 19,000 people. The next visit after the concert, we talked about the show and she asked me if I had a good time and brought up different things that happened during the songs, and what did I think of that. Haha, it was like we were there together but not really, of course.

I think if I was ever to pass her in public and we made eye contact, I would wink at her and that would be it...that's good enough for me. I would never come up to her or anything.

This has inspired me to tell my T all of this...I should walk the walk too. I think I will show her this post...because I obviously haven't forgotten any of this stuff, and I've been having a lot of breakthroughs recently in being a lot more honest about things...not outright lying to her, but by omitting things because I was just not ready to talk about them. Thanks for posting this topic.

EDIT: I just remembered something else. Early in our relationship, I had a dream I was in her house and it was really decked out, marble pillars and gold on the walls, LOL. It freaked me out and I told her about it. I said that I "wasn't obsessed with her" and she said she understood completely what I was feeling, and that it was a just a dream...so it was out of my control. I can't remember exactly what her interpretation of it was, but I think it had something to do with the fact that I wanted to feel safe somewhere with someone taking care of me.

This makes me really uncomfortable, but that probably says more about me than it does about you.

Did seeing her house really help you though?

Sorry, don't mean to hijack, just wanted to squeeze in a response to SenatorP-

Thank you! I was totally flipped out. He didn't get it for the longest time, too, and that pissed me off more. Even now, every day I see T's wife, which is most weekdays, I think "T's wife, T's wife, T's wife" and not what I should be thinking, "Big Boss, Big Boss, Big Boss."

actually...I said BORDERS on stalking. I don't think it is actually stalking, not yet anyways..lol. I do think you are quite brave for admitting to your T that you did it, that in itself downplays the stalking idea (stalkers don't let people know they are doing it).

Venus--seeing her house helped me realize that I have to do more work with my parts that still want to obsess about my T. My T knew from the start the problems I had with my former T about that; it's my main issue. So, I know it's not about my T. It helped me see that I have to really, really get to the bottom of what I want from my T that I know is transference. So it was helpful for those reasons.

I also felt more connected knowing what her house looks like and where she lives. I'm in the middle of working through these issues of what the parts of me didn't get when I was little. It's very important to me that having to go by her house happened. It's relevant to the work I'm doing though I'm not exactly sure. T doesn't want me to figure things out too much in this therapy. She just wants me to feel and tell her what my various parts feel. Maybe I'm not explaining well, but this is the crux of my therapy!

with or without you: Thank you for sharing so much in your reply. I've done this kind of thing before, with other Ts. It's a pattern with me, but I've always been able to control it, and I always discuss it with my T. I emailed my T the same day I drove past her house. I had no intention of hiding it from her. I don't plan to do it again, though.

My T shares a lot about herself with me, but you're right. I've always thought therapy is unfair, but I've had to accept it for what it is--a unique intimate relationship that doesn't last forever. It's about ME, not the T.

I'm glad my thread has inspired you to talk about the experiences you posted about, with your T. It's always a little weird to see your T in RL. I've had a lot of problems with that with my former T because our paths crossed a lot. Once my car didn't start and I had to go ask if I could use her phonebook to look up a service place. I was embarrassed.

I think it's always good to share your feelings about your T with your T. I never used to be able to do that, but it's what I need to do to heal. PM me if you want to discuss this more. Thanks for your post.

i think the "not ok" part is that rainbow actually did it. i don't know how rainbow found her T's address, but often a simple google can turn things up like that & so maybe it was peripheral info that came up.

i'm not saying it's stalkerish behaviour, but i don't think it makes it "ok". it's just about basic respect, imo. i wouldn't do it to a GP, or a lawyer, or a teacher and i don't see why it's ok for a T to have their boundaries disrespected (ie right to privacy) simply because they are working in a more "personal" profession.

there is a large gap between this one-off event and stalking (but of course stalking also starts off with a one-off event ). but just because it isn't stalking doesn't mean that i think it's ok. it's still a violation of an implicit (social-norm) boundary and i would've thought basic respect for another would have been a biggish deal on these boards. i'm actually rather confused by all the responses saying its ok.

im not asking you to change your mind, just entering into dialogue about our different viewpoints (which i've outlined in my reply to velcro).

i'd like to challenge your statement that it was something you couldn't stop yourself from doing. i think that's shirking responsibility in some way. you've stopped yourself before, you could have stopped yourself again?

similarly, looking after child parts also means learning when to draw firm but compassionate boundaries. little kids do not always get what they want, but they should be able to expect a caring older person to comfort them. maybe that would have been a better response - to enter into dialogue with your parts and comfort them in some other way? maybe you could have drawn a picture of your Ts house all together and given it to her as a welcome back gift?

Wow-- how could he NOT get it? I mean it's pretty freakishly weird! As I said, dangerous to cross the streams (insert favorite Ghostbusters reference here). I'd be completely pissed at my T if he didn't "GET IT".

I'm glad your T finally got it, even though it seems as if it took awhile for him.

Yes, I have no restraint, but thankfully my T has an awesome sense of humor. However, I would say my T would definitely get this. I wouldn't be able to work like that very effectively.

deli, you've brought up some very good points that make me think. Would I do this if it were a teacher, doctor, or lawyer? Maybe, if I had the kinds of feelings for that person. But I don't. It must be the set-up of the t-relationship, the intimacy, transference that triggers the longings to belong to her somehow.

Could I have stopped myself? Yes. I admit that I chose to do it. No one made me but myself. Like when I eat the cookies or chocolate I shouldn't have. I'm not good at controlling my impulses but I never binge. I have a stopping point. I wanted to drive past Ts house and tell her about it. So it's a little complicated. I want her attention and maybe punishment, though she won't punish me.

That is a good idea about the parts drawing a picture of her house. I could have tried to talk the parts out of going. But I didn't want to! My T would have asked how I could give my parts what they need. It seemed like it was my Self that wanted to do it. My adult self, I mean. I agree with you that it's not such an okay thing that I did, and I am also surprised that so many people posted that they thought it was. Of course this is PC and we are not the healthiest people in the world, LOL.

Hijacking here a little. The weather in my area may be stormy when T is supposed to come back. That makes my heart race. Maybe going past her house was supposed to prove that she'll be safe. But there are no guarantees about anything in life. I can't deal with that.

I have looked up my T's home online, but would never go by her house out of fear that she or her family would see me. The live in a cul-de-sac anyways. Plus, I know that it would be going over some boundaries that I would feel guilty crossing. Hearing your story makes me want to talk to my T about my feelings.

Thanks rainbow. I just had a session with my T a couple hours ago. She read what I wrote down, and said that I hit the nail on the head and not to feel guilty...she said she doesn't feel that anything I did was an invasion of her privacy or crossing the line. She also said she was very glad I brought this up, I admitted to being "insanely curious" about her and she said that was perfectly normal and we could talk about it some more. I also explained to her how I was able to reason my way out of wanting to find out more about her or a longing to be her friend, because I realized how anxious our RL interactions made me!

However.....she left me hanging! After the time was up and we said our goodbyes, my phone rang again about 5 minutes later. It was her. I answered it, and she said, "um....oh geez. I meant to return a call to someone who called me right before our appointment, and I unconsciously dialed your number again! I will talk to you about this in our next session..." Wonder what that means????? LOL

I have not had the urge to drive by my T's home, or if I do, I don't allow myself to. I want to keep his and my personal lives separate. I sense a boundary there, and I like the boundary! I would see driving by his home as intruding into his personal life, whether or not he knew I drove by or not. I just like to keep our lives separate! I see him in therapy and like it that way. I also quoted that bit about being "insanely curious" because I wonder if that might be why I don't want to go by my T's house? I am not insanely curious about him. He self discloses in session a lot, so I feel like I know a ton of stuff about him, so there is nothing to be curious about. I know most everything I want to know about him.

Yeah, my T hardly every self discloses. Just a different style, I guess. I have never had a desire to drive by her house, though.

How? Have you ever been through anything related to stalking or even heard anything about it? Stalking is a serious offense and what was done here was not that. The OP wasn't sitting there waiting for the therapist to come out or going through their stuff or following them home or anything like that. It's a curiosity thing and there isn't anything wrong with it, "IMO".

Anyways.. I wouldn't worry about it I don't see it is a big deal and as long as you've told your T and she is fine with it don't worry. She should have a good explanation as to what would cause you to have those feelings. Best of luck.

Like the hugging thread, seventy eight, this is also the "thread that never ends". This is my second thread on this subject, and both times it has received over 1000 views and over 40 replies.

I'm surprised at the strong opinions either way about what I did. I wonder why people have such strong feelings about it.

Tomorrow in my session I will see what T thinks, but I'm not going to spend so much time on it because so much else came up while she was gone.

Emotionally dead--I don't think it's stalking either. It's more OCD behavior I think. Or anxiety. Or maybe BPD behavior. My T is not upset. I knew she wouldn't be, but I still am.

I'm fortunate T works from her home lol, I get to walk in her frontdoor, past her bathroom, get to see if her loo seat is left up or down lol, but seriously I wonder who it is we are all searching for with therapy? i doubt its really the therapists house, more like missing bits of ourselfs...I completely understand anything anyone does regarding wanting to konw more, wanting fusion, the house represents many things.

Interesting, Melba. Two of my former Ts worked out of their house. Solved THAT problem for me, anyway!