Trouble with T?

Well...I had my third session with my new T today. I don't know what to think. This time of year is terrible for me, as it is for a lot of us here, and I am missing both of my old T's a lot. I've been crying on and off for the last couple of days and the depression has hit me full force.

So here's the deal. Today, I wanted, no...needed to feel connected to someone. I needed to feel like I had someone who cared and who was a healthy force in my life. I really needed to connect with my new T today and I don't feel like that happened. I needed to be able to come into her office and snuggle into her couch and just be able to cry and get all the heaviness off of me. What happened wasn't even remotely what I needed.

Now I have no doubt that this T is good at her craft. She is well educated in Trauma and Dissociative Disorders. She certainly has enough initials after her name to show that. She works with children and adults and has her own play therapy practice. She is also on the faculty of the large University in my area, so I'm not even going to pretend that she doesn't know what she is doing.

My issue is.....and some of this may be related to things I experienced when I was younger....in our first session, she hands me a three page questionaire and asks if I can answer the questions to give her some insight into what sort of issues I was working on. Although I hate tests and handouts and such I was okay with this because I felt it was the easiest way to give her a bird's eye view of myself. So the first couple sessions were okay. I started connecting....slowly, but it was moving in a good direction. Today just blew that connecting feeling out of the water though. She said she wanted to touch on a couple things before we started to talk about the things I wanted to talk about and we ended up on the topic of my career and the issues I've had in the past at work. We discussed how I have, at times, been my own worst enemy by being so assertive that it turns people off and puts them on the defensive. I totally agree that I have done this, but I can see it now and I am working to change the way I communicate. What really irritates me, and just flat out pisses me off, is that she spent the ENTIRE hour and a half session talking about HERSELF and how SHE learned to communicate effectively with people so that she could be a more effective communicator.

This just shut me down. I didn't feel engaged. I know that she was attempting to teach me something, and I know I need help in identifying how to not communicate ineffectively, BUT.....did she have to talk about herself ALL session? I left her office more depressed and dissociated than when I came in.

I know she's not a mind reader, and that in a perfect world I would be able to tell her that, although I appreciated what she was doing her best to teach me, I really needed to get some stuff off my chest, but I thought that would be rude and I didn't want to make her mad. At the end of the session, she gave me another three page handout, which she of course wrote, and told me I should read it and that it would help me learn how to better communicate.

I felt devastated after the session. I feel so alone right now and I want so badly to reach out to my old T for comfort, but I know we are supposed to be scaling back our phone time so I can transition to new T. I honestly left thinking to myself that it was a complete waist of my time and that I couldn't believe I paid her that much money to sit and talk about herself the whole time.

What's wrong with me? Am I being a bad client? I am really a mess right now with all the changes that have been taking place in my life and I'm wondering if I am being too harsh and if I should just stop whining? Both my old T's were Social Workers and I found them both to be very supportive in a caring, non-clinical and compassionate way. This new T is a Psy D. and I can feel more of an analytical undertone and I don't like it.

I don't know what to do. Parts of me want to find a different T. Other parts of me say that that wouldn't be fair to the new T. I know that a lot of folks here have had issues with T's, but this is the first time as an adult that I have felt so conflicted with a T.

I kind of don't want to go to next session, and that's new for me too. Most of the time, even when I know it's going to be miserable, I go so I can just be in T's company and feel comforted by her presence. I don't get that warm and fuzzy feeling with this T.

I just don't know?

Can you choose to explore all this with her next time? Not going leaves things up in the air and can feel so unsettling, and sitting with resentment and worry just don't feel good.

I find it interesting that you didn't assert yourself during the session and tell her "Thanks, but enough about you. I want to talk about X now."

Was she attempting to connect with you by telling her about her own struggles, I wonder.

So she chose the topic for the day? This would upset me too. So are you going to talk to her about it?

If I were you, I would print off what you just wrote here and hand it to her at the start of the next session! You NEED your healing.

I would give a copy of this post as suggested by WePow - you have explained it all really well. Good luck with it.

Oy....

I know I should talk with her about this. I'm so scared though. I'm afraid of making her angry or insulting her. I'm afraid if I show her a copy of this post that she is going to think I don't want to learn from her and that it is going to set a tone for our work together.

I get that honesty and trust and being able to say what I need is very important, but what if I show her this and she thinks I'm being an unruly client or that I don't want to learn. What if she says that she doesn't want to see me anymore or asks me to leave because she is angry.

I don't want conflict with her...or any T. My old T's I was able to tell them when I needed something. It was difficult but I could do it. I think that it is harder now because this T is so new to me and I haven't felt that connection with her yet.

I will try and print this off for her. I will not just not show up. If I end up choosing to not work with her, I don't know if I could tell her to her face and explore it with her because of my own fears. I would discuss it with her over the phone though.

There is another Therapist in town that I actually wanted to see first, but I went with this T because she was the one referred to me. I have asked this other T for a consultation. I feel guilty for that. Is that wrong?

I don't know why I am having such issues around this, but I don't like it at all.

Personally it sounds like she's been teaching too much and lost the ballance of practicing therapy. Honestly, you get questionairs and worksheets? that is teaching not therapy. I prefer anaytical T's more than warm fuzzies but she doesn't sound like she is doing that well either. I have walked into a new T's office more than once with a "biography" printed out to give them an overview. Every one of them set it upside down on their desk and said they wanted to talk with me not read it. All those "biographies" ended up in the shredder unread I am sure!
Also, given what you were wanting and the time of year I think your agenda was much more valid than hers. Not to mention that unless you are avoiding something crucial your agenda should trump hers.

It is understandable to me why this would be hard for you.

She's trying to form a connection, I think. Give it a little more time and make sure you tell her how this last session made you feel. Tell her you need a less clinical environment to feel like you are making progress. She's probably just not sure yet what angle to take with you. That's why she picked a "safe" topic for that session. If she doesn't respond well to your sharing your thoughts on this last session, time to move on. Take care. You will find therapy that works for you.

I agree with some of the above-posters. She needs to hear what you have just said. If she is as competent as you think she is, she won't get angry......she will stop and re-assess what she was saying/doing and realize she went way far afield in trying to teach you something. The CLIENT is the one who is supposed to choose the topic for discussion, NOT the t.. you have nothing to lose by telling her the truth; you have nothing more VALUABLE than your truth.

They say it takes 3-4 sessions to decide whether you click with a T or not...looks like you're not. I don't see anything wrong with talking with another T, you need to do what's best for you.

Good luck! Let us know what happens!

Elysium, I don't think your messed up, I think your T made a mistake in the direction she was taking in session. You aren't a bad patient or a bad person, your T just doesn't know you very well and also made a bad choice.

I would be upset and probably get really openly upset. I'm not big on giving T copies of things I write, I prefer to tell them in my own way. If they don't like it, that speaks more to their personality than it does to me. Are you going to go back to see this T again? Why did you stop seeing your old T?

3-4 sessions usually? Oh man, I don't want to wait anymore...

I will probably see her at least once more next week. I would feel bad if I didn't at least go and make an attempt to talk with her, although the idea terrifies me.

I stopped seeing my old T because I moved out of state for work. I miss my old T so much. She is doing a good thing for me though. We are having weekly phone calls while I transition to this new T. It's so hard....I told her when I left that I wanted to hire her to be my personal, private therapist. LOL!! We both got a good laugh out of it. I felt so comfortable with her and I am so missing that right now.

I know I should give this T a chance. It's just really hard because she works differently than my old T. It just pisses me off when I explain something to her and tell her about something I went through and in the next second she takes over the conversation saying things like "Oh, yeah I did that too when I was just starting out as a professional. That's normal...everyone does it a little" and then goes on to tell stories about herself. Not only that but she starts sharing other things about herself and her family structure. It really mad me angry when she said something like "I can understand what you are saying because, in my family...I'm Jewish, and blah blah blah....blah blah blah....and I wasn't abused or anything like that but blah blah blah". And this went on for an hour and a half. I wanted to scream and sob because I felt so miserable and sitting there listening to her talk about herself was just making me feel worse.

I'm not trying to be selfish or narcissistic. I know that the world does not revolve around me...but geez....I don't want to hear "oh yeah, me too" or "here...read this handout I wrote". I was so afraid to speak up and tell her what I needed; afraid she'd get mad and not like me, or she'd say something that hurt me.

I'm just so not up for this crap right now. I need my old T....but I can't have her.

(((((Elysium))))),

She really doesn't sound like the right therapist for you at all. As you said, she's on the faculty at the local Univ.....sounds like her therapy sessions are just an extension of her classroom but on a one to one basis & costs a whole lot more.

I had a psychologist that did the same thing you were just describing right after I had gone through the trauma with my mother when she was dying.....she minimized the whole trauma I went through telling me that "the same thing happened to her.....when a bottle of wine was stolen from her mothers home from the home care person".....not anywhere close to being the same. We don't pay to hear stories about themselves. Heaven knows, they charge so much anyway, but then to sit there listening to them talk about themselves & the worse is that they do it under the guise of teaching us something.....Not, no way is that the way that a good therapist should work.

I went to a new psychologist when I first moved here.....well, it was the second one I tried.......it was like I can have you better in 10 sessions & feeling the things you feel are not even optional......needless to say, I never went back. Called & said that it wasn't going to work out, that I didn't feel it was a good match on my voice mail to him & that was that.

Since then, I have found a wonderful psychologist at the local community care center that costs me almost nothing. I felt comfortable with her first off & have been able to talk through so many more things than I ever have with any of my previous psychologists.

I truly believe that we know almost immediately if there is a good match or if there is any possible way of working with their personalities. This new psychologist of yours sounds like someone who loves to talk about herself & does nothing but use herself as an example. Sorry, but that would turn me off immediately & there would be no way I could connect with someone like that.

I think your feelings about her are absolutely right on & it's not just because you are comparing her with your last therapist who was so good.....this one might know all the information about trauma & dissociative disorders, but knowing isn't treating.

Personally I think you are just throwing your money away with her. Definitely have a consultation with this other T, is sounds like no one could be worse than the one you are seeing IMO from what you have said.

Wishing you the best in all of this. I know how difficult it is to find a new psychologist in the first place, then finding one who you can relate to is even harder especially when you have previously had such a wonderful one you have related to......but don't let those things force you into taking the first psychologist you see there.....there are many other good ones ever if they seem to be hiding.

Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.....know how it feels to be alone on Thanksgiving, but hope you can feel some happiness.

Elysium, I think it's really early on in your relationship with your T and the two of you aren't used to being together yet. I think it is worth trying another couple of sessions, but not just going and hoping it is somehow going to be better. Try to go and communicate with her directly what is helpful for you in session and what isn't. You could tell her you don't learn that well from a lecture or hand-out and tell her what would help. For example, you said communication at work was an issue, so maybe you can practice communicating with your T back and forth and she can offer tips or model alternatives to what you are doing instead of lecturing you. The more you can tell her what you need and want, the easier it will be for her to be effective. If you really spell it out to her and she still doesn't get it, and just gives more 3 page hand-outs, I think you gave it a fair shot and time to move on.

My T has told me that before he and a client can make effective progress together, they sometimes have to spend time on communication, so that the client can learn to be direct in his/her communication style. He said without that it can be very slow going, so those up front hours spent on communication are well worth it. Elysium, because you said the topic of your last session was Communication, it makes me wonder if your T is focusing on that now so that the two of you can make swifter progress in the near future. That's just a guess, and it seems like it would have been good to share that with you if that is the case. Anyway, a frank discussion with your T would be very informative about what her strategy last session was. She will definitely learn something from this talk, and hopefully you will too.

Good luck.

Her continuing to revert the conversation back to herself isn't a good sign if you ask me.

Yes, I wondered about this too, especially as you said that you tend to be too assertive? I'm wondering whether you're not the exact opposite instead. I think talking to this T again would be a good place to start.

I think me being more assertive at certain times as opposed to others has a bit to do with my different parts, and switching. When I am at work, there are two parts who perform our work duties and they are both quite assertive. In T, these parts often don't show up as it is apparently not in their contract? (sarcasm) :~)

Most of the time, the two parts that work don't go to therapy. The ones that do have a much harder time asking for what they need.

I still think though that despite me not being assertive, and her not being a mind reader, it doesn't take the best psycotherapist to come to the conclusion that, if you have a person who has lived through significant trauma and has DID, you uproot them from their community and move them out of state, give them a new job to have to fit in to, and have them living only 100 miles away from their abusers, as opposed to 1000 miles away, and have them switching therapists at the beginning of the Holiday season, they're most likely going to need more emotional support and less "Here, read my handout."

Just sayin'.

Elysium, I think you must be seeing my own ex-T! I sure learned a lot about HER during the wasted six months that I saw her.
Run, and don't look back!

Even if you weren't assertive which most people are not, because this is one of the issues that needs to be worked on in therapy, why would a therapist do what she did?

Maybe one of the work parts can write a handout for your T??? lol...I am so NOT cool with handouts. I think they are a cop out, a diversion from communicating and teaching. I can see writing out a few brief points at the end of a session to make sure the client remembers things...but definitely not a pre-written 3 page handout. ugh.

You obviously don't like her...and time and money are of the essence, especially this time of year. It's fine to just move on.

I'm not sure why she would handle the session the way she did? I tried thinking like a T and thought that maybe she realized it was a very difficult time for me and she wanted to keep things simple for that week as to not throw me for a loop over the Holiday weekend, but it still doesn't make much sense.

After thinking about it a little more, I am remembering some other things that kind of made me want to run. They're really little things, but they all kind of add up I guess.

When she gave me the 3 page handout to read, that she had written on communication, she made this comment that she even had it "on the good paper"? Of course it was all done up looking very professional.

What also bothers me is that, as opposed to discussing contracting for safety or creating a safety plan, should I begin to feel like hurting myself, she merely stated that I had to promise her I would never do anything because she is very sensitive and she wouldn't want to lose sleep. I'm sure this all sounds horrible, and I don't think she meant tit to be perceived in that way, but I did perceive it that way and it's kind of like, how do you un-ring a bell? I have a very difficult time expressing my feelings in T in general. It took me four years before I could even allow myself to cry in a T's office and I am very afraid of exposing others to my pain, so hearing here say how sensitive she is just freaked me out and now I don't really want to share the hurt with her because I don't want to hurt her.

Aargh!!! I'm sure she means well and I'm sure she's a good T, I just think she's a good T for someone else.

My big issue now is I'm terrified to face her and tell her this. The thought of it makes me want to hide. But I can't just not show up and I am just as afraid to tell her over the phone. It really makes me sick to my stomach.

Ugh!!!! Is this woman a narcissist!! I don't think that you have to go back and tell her anything if you don't want to!