SO many thoughts - but all leading back to lonliness

I don't really know where to post this, or if it should even be a post. I guess it's more of a Jackie ramble, which I'm going to type and possibly post.

I am at a place where I've been fairly stable for about a week now (I'm bipolar) and I feel things between myself and my boyfriend have been going well. Sure, work has been stressful, and we've had some late nights just tying up things.

But I cannot help but feel lonely. It's obviously not a physical thing, as I work in an office where I am surrounded by people and I love with my boyfriend. But it's a void in my soul I just cannot fill. I wake up on a Monday morning somewhat depressed (This is due to having to go to a job that just pays the bills, but requires long hours, no job satisfaction, no sense of achievement, no acknowledgement...) but I think that's a whole different issue altogether.

I really love my boyfriend, but I often think about an ex - we had a connection on a different level, one I think most people will never experience. So I know not expect it again. But it was something that filled my void, I think. Anyway - that relationship is no longer, and I just want to be happy in my relationship; I actually just want to be happy and fulfilled in general. And my boyfriend is not the cause; it's me.
Why do I feel so lonely...!?!? My T says I need to get to a stage where I self-soothe; but right now I do not have these skills.
I know I'm clingy and needy. I hate being like this.

I guess I'm wondering if people have felt this way before. And to maybe ask me some pertinent questions to be able to be more introspective.

I haven't seen my T for 3 weeks, and it's been a rollercoaster 3 weeks, but I think I've come out the other side ok. So, going to a session with her, I wouldn't really know where to start.

I want to be happy, get rid of this void in my life, find purpose and move forwards.
I'm tired of wearing a mask, when I'm actually NOT ok!!

Hugs (((((((( sugahorse ))))))))))

I know the feeling and I'm sure many other people here do too.

I'm wondering if this is an old feeling from the past just surfacing now. It's tough going not seeing your T for three weeks and maybe that has triggered these feelings. It's good to reflect and search for reasons why. We can't always pin point where that feeling is coming from but when it is a core feeling, it is often coming from the past. Like you said, there are people around you but despite that the feeling is still there.

I hope you can discuss this with your T and work out where that feeling is coming from, knowing why can help us to cope with it.

I don't know if it's fair to "blame" these feelings on what my T thinks may be BPD. For me to go digging in my past is stressfull (it's not painful, as there is no major history to work through). My parents are still happily together, but for some reason we have never really bonded. (Possibly me being born a few weeks prem and only seeing my mom after a few days). So my parents are like friends to me. I see them once a month or so. I grew up quite independent. They were there for me, physically at least, and I cannot yet comment on if they were there for me emotionally. I was given a lot of freedom, and in hindsight am probably lucky I came through that unscathed. Towards the end of my highschool years, I started to suffer from depression.

Even when my bf and I split up - I kind of started an affair - it was something that started as a friendship, until I realised there was some form of connection. And it just became more. My bf had been so absorbed in his own life, and I started to feel this lonliness. It was deep-seated and I wasn't even aware of it.
I'm back with my bf, and we've more or less ironed out the issues. But I still have this void - and I know that it cannot be filled by another human

(((sugahorse)))--the "chronic feelings of emptiness" can be a symptom of bpd, and maybe that is the source of the pain. If you do have bpd, learning soothing techniques will go a long way toward protecting any relationships you have--so that the relationship doesn't carry the full burden of your vulnerability to loneliness.

I wish i had some of those soothing techniques.
Yes, the relationship does take strain, but my bf is being really good about trying to comfort and understand me.

I sometimes wonder if I'm an introvert. To a certain extent I really enjoy being on my own, and at other times I literally freak out if I'm left alone. (I cannot handle my bf going away on conference for a few days, or the suggestion of a boy's fishing trip - I go MAD).
I wish I was just happy and stable within myself...

When do you see your T next? If this deep emptiness hasn't come up as a topic before, it's important to bring it up now--maybe start there, with that feeling, then discuss how relationships have not assuaged it?

I think I'll see her Wed afternoon. It has sort of come up as a topic, but often it is clouded by depression. It's only when I'm fairly stable, that I can look at myseld objectively and realise that even thought I'm not depressed, I still have this vast emptiness.

Therapy can be a bit overwhelming for me - for once I feel someone is listening to me. I truely believe T cares for me, and there aren't many of those people in my life. It's something I've therefore started to crave. Like I've mentioned on an earlier thread - it's like T is my emotional mom. I do come across as a cow at times, but I'm really soft inside. I'd love for someone to just hold me. My bf does, but I very rarely get emotional. I know it's wrong for a T to get so close to their patients, so I daren't ask her. T and I still have a VERY professional relationship (We've been together for 6 months) but I trust her enough, and she'd be the one person (Other than my bf) I could see holding me, and with a bit of luck opening the flood-gates of my emotions.

I really battle to project my emotions at times, other than ocassionally bursting into tears at home or work - but at T I'm like a closed up book... it is soooooo frustrating

sounds like a horrable place to be and i am so sorry.sending lots of hugs.

Thanks Granite (((HUGS)))

Hi Suga, reading about your relationship with your parents it sounds like you didn't get what you needed and you are still searching for it? Even now you write that you don't feel that anyone listens to you (except T) and there aren't many people who care about you. I have found that we acquire behaviors/beliefs etc. from our childhood of neglect which set us up to continue on and recreate distant relationships, etc. which leave us lonely. I used therapy to find these beliefs and behaviors so that I could work through them and begin behaviors which would allow me to get close to others.

I do get close to certain people - but I get too close, and drive them away. Now I need to re-evaluate the circumstances and actually take a step back. But it hurts... It makes me lonely to take a step back. And if I allow myself to get close, I know I'll get too close. It's a catch-22 for me, which really revolves around not being able to self-soothe

Are you getting too close to unhealthy people possibly? Or do you just need to learn relationship skills? I learned a lot of relationship skills by bringing my failed relationships to therapy to analyze.

Do you tend to get close to certain people too soon perhaps? Or maybe disclose too much for that type of relationship (for example... to a friend you knew just for few months)?

I think it's a case of unhealthy relationship skills. I get close to people because they make me happy, are positive, seem to care about me, are there for me... They are effectively filling my void. But I end up smothering them. And when they are no longer in my life, my whole world crumbles.
Like it happened recently - I'd known this person for about 4 years, but only via internet, e-mail, texting. I finally decided to meet her in person and it was great. We are both horse mad and both bipolar, so there was a lot in common. She helped me through plenty depressive phases, and I like to think vice versa. She believed my relationship with my bf was toxic and when she realised I wasn't prepared to leave him, she called off the friendship. 4 years of it.
Now that hurts. WE were like best friends. I am now too scared to form any friendships again. On the whole I think I'm handling this ok, but it's also left me empty.

On other ocassions, I know I get too close to people too soon. I'm learning to identify these situations though.
And with my T - I put her on a pedestal too, she becomes everything to me. Even thought i could never discuss it with her. I just cling to people all the time...

So you expect them to make up for things in yourself that you really should be healing up instead?

This seems like her choice. I actually did something similar because I needed to be around healthy people and when they see a person choosing to accept an unhealthy relationship this can be very hard to witness especially if it is triggering for the other person who left.

"So you expect them to make up for things in yourself that you really should be healing up instead?"

Yes. At the moment I don't know how to deal with these issues on my own. I'm hoping Therapy will eventually help me here. I know I need to learn and heal these issues on my own.

Yes, ending this friendship was her decision, and I'm pretty ok with accepting it. But it's not a nice position to be in.