I’m feeling really devastated at the moment about my relationship with my partner. We’ve been together seven years, have always lived together, and got engaged on NYEve 2008 (the anniversary of this isn’t helping). Since my mental health problems returned in 2007, we’ve both had a tough time and I know she has felt very strained. In November she chose to move to Australia for a new job. I coped really well, probably because I was getting so much out of my relationship with T that it went some way to balancing out the loss of my partner. I was supposed to spend two weeks there at Christmas, but the snow closed the UK airports and I was stuck here. I was coping really well but in the last week (since my T went on holiday) I’ve become a desperate wreck during our phonecalls, and she is getting more and more angry and impatient and pulling away. A couple of days ago she said she can only ‘handle’ speaking to me twice a week. Last night she told me she’d spend one week of her three week Easter holiday with me (and the other two with her family). I am dying inside at the thought of spending one week out of eight months with my partner. This isn’t a life.

My T comes back tomorrow morning and I’m trying to hang on till then, but I’m not sure what difference it will make. I’ve decided not to get back into that dream world with her where I feel so happy and safe and contained, because it’s only really a distraction from the cold hard facts of my life, which are that: I had it all and I lost it all, and however hard I work to build a life, it will always be taken away. We actually talked about this (my worry that the relationship with her is just a distraction) in the session before the break, and she said the key factor was that the closeness to her was enabling me to engage with my life more and live better (do my job, see my friends, have more positive communication with my partner... building a life), rather than engaging less (e.g. shutting off from everything and living only for contact with her). I will try to finish DBT, but I'm can't allow myself to get sucked back in to all the warm fuzziness. Who was I kidding? Even my partner can't stand me, yet somehow I let myself believe that my T loved me??

I’m feeling very very low. Even though the loss of my partner has been gradual, it’s just hit me like a 50 tonne truck, at the same time as the loss of my T (which is self-imposed, I know). I have truly tried my best every day of my life, but I can’t face another year of pain, and all the years after that. I don't know how to get through today, and I'm not sure why I would, only to have to do it all again tomorrow. I'm sorry to dump all this here, but there's nowhere else.

[WePow]

((((((Improving)))))))

I'm sorry that this is so hard on you emotionally at this time in your life.
It is very hard when someone we love doesn't return the emotion in the same manner.

There was a woman I loved very deeply at one time in my life. But she was cold emotionally and it was very difficult because it felt as though I were being kept on a yo-yo string. She wouldn't set me free - totally. But she told me should didn't like to be with me. ((I could really relate to your post)). It hurt deeply because she was my world.

The hardest part was being in that bl**dy emotional limbo! It was the most poisonous emotional environment of all time! My college T at the time told me that she wasn't setting me free because of her own insecurity and that it was a form of being passive-agressive. And it stunk.

What I finally had to do was to make the emotional break myself. That hurt bad. I couldn't physically leave the situation as she had money power over me (and she was also a primary abuser from childhood so there were other issues). So I couldn't change the actual being around her... but what I was able to do was to emotionally remove myself from her claws.

I did this by just going ahead and telling myself that she didn't love me (which was the truth I kept denying to myself - because she was going back and forth with "but I do love you" UGGG!) So I decided to get the emotional knowing pain out of the way right then and there at that point in my life.

This broke the spell she had over my heart.

After that, I was able to start looking at her from the eyes of someone outside a relationship with her. Suddenly, I saw she was VERY human! And I saw she had flaws I just wasn't able to see through my love goggles. That made me realize that I honestly was not giving up much of anything good!

The next thing I did was start to see the positive side of who I am.
I started to build my own relationship with ME!
I actually took myself out on dates per my T's advice.
It was a way to find the love for myself that I was looking for someone else to give me. I spent hours just getting to be with ME without thoughts of HER in my mind.
Honestly, THAT was one of the best times of my entire life!
Even now being in a good relationship with someone else, I still have times when I miss the hours I had just with me :-)

Not sure if this will make any sense to you at all but I do home it helps.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Improving

My T comes back tomorrow morning and I’m trying to hang on till then, but I’m not sure what difference it will make. I’ve decided not to get back into that dream world with her where I feel so happy and safe and contained, because it’s only really a distraction from the cold hard facts of my life, which are that: I had it all and I lost it all, and however hard I work to build a life, it will always be taken away. We actually talked about this (my worry that the relationship with her is just a distraction) in the session before the break, and she said the key factor was that the closeness to her was enabling me to engage with my life more and live better (do my job, see my friends, have more positive communication with my partner... building a life), rather than engaging less (e.g. shutting off from everything and living only for contact with her). I will try to finish DBT, but I'm can't allow myself to get sucked back in to all the warm fuzziness. Who was I kidding? Even my partner can't stand me, yet somehow I let myself believe that my T loved me??

I think it is completely understandable that you would grieve the loss of your partner. Seven years is a long time to be with someone. I understand how you feel it was just taken away.

I also know how easy it is to feel as though all is lost, and it will never be better again, but it will. You're still here, you've survived thus far therefore the opportunity for things to get better is still there.

Also, the warm fuzzies are not a bad thing. No, your therapist may not love you the way a partner would, but continuing to engage with her may be essential to "staying in the game" so to speak. Allowing yourself to feel loved is so important I think.

I think people do things for different reasons. It may be very hard for your partner to be separated from you as well. She may be limiting her interaction with you because it hurts and reminds her of her loss as well. Have you considered that? I think it's a different, but perhaps vaild interpretation of the events that you said were going on.

However, if ever there was a time to be upset and feel the grief more profoundly than most, it's an anniverary of some meaningful event. Frankly, I think the holidays suck and I am so glad they are blissfully over.

I got stranded because of snow as well. I ended up spending 4 days with my family instead of the well-established one day and then out. Shudder... It was a nasty nasty time.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you so much for replying, WePow and elliemay. I feel so grateful I could cry.

I will reply properly later but right now I'm going to build on the success of having made myself a soothing breakfast and go to a craft store to look at all the beautiful things there and maybe get a few things to make a 'things to look forward to in 2011 project', so that whatever happens with my partner, there will be other good things in my life. Baby steps for others, but just getting out of bed at the moment is a giant step for me. Thank God for DBT. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without the skills it taught me.

[SpiritRunner]

I don't have anything really profound to add to what the others have posted, but my heart was touched by your pain and I just want to offer you support. And also to say, please don't turn completely away from what your T can offer you at this point.....you're being realistic in the sense that, yes, the T relationship is not a substitute for real world relationships, yet you do have the right to the comfort and support it can offer you right now when you have the very real need for it - don't deny yourself that when you do need it! It sounds to me as if your T is one who is able to fulfill that need.....
And you are loved...you are worthy of being loved.

[WePow]

((((((Improving))))) That is a BIG "baby step" for you to take!!! It is very big.
GREAT job in doing what YOU need to do to have your inner peace.

Thank you so much for caring, you guys, especially for the cheerleading, WePow- I need that right now.

It's the end of the day here, thankfully. Days like today really drive home how much DBT has taught me- before therapy I would have just been writhing in pain in my bed for the whole day. Now to do it all again tomorrow...

And I still struggle with whether the distracting and soothing are the 'right' thing to do, you know? Maybe because I spent my entire teenage years just working harder and harder to escape the reality of my situation, which kept me alive but ultimately wasn't helpful, I do wonder now whether all these DBT skills are just 'pretending' that my life is worth living, when the facts say that it isn't. I suppose this is a rambling way of saying, I wonder whether my previous automatic response (= despair and suicide) was actually the right one.

elliemay and poetgirl, I do understand what you're saying about it not being effective to pull away from T right now, but I feel profoundly disconnected from it all. I'm deeply alone- what's the point in pretending otherwise?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Improving

Thank you so much for caring, you guys, especially for the cheerleading, WePow- I need that right now.

It's the end of the day here, thankfully. Days like today really drive home how much DBT has taught me- before therapy I would have just been writhing in pain in my bed for the whole day. Now to do it all again tomorrow...

And I still struggle with whether the distracting and soothing are the 'right' thing to do, you know? Maybe because I spent my entire teenage years just working harder and harder to escape the reality of my situation, which kept me alive but ultimately wasn't helpful, I do wonder now whether all these DBT skills are just 'pretending' that my life is worth living, when the facts say that it isn't. I suppose this is a rambling way of saying, I wonder whether my previous automatic response (= despair and suicide) was actually the right one.

elliemay and poetgirl, I do understand what you're saying about it not being effective to pull away from T right now, but I feel profoundly disconnected from it all. I'm deeply alone- what's the point in pretending otherwise?

You don't necessarily need to pretend otherwise....if it's how you feel, it's true for you, and pretending otherwise won't help you regain your feeling of connection or take away the feelings. Just be open with your T about the feeling of disconnect, that you feel so deeply alone....so you can be with someone who does understand/know the place where you are, who can be with you while you are in that place, who can help you come out of that place to a safer place.
I feel so clumsy in what I'm saying here and hope it's not hurtful......but I have felt so deeply alone in my life before, even when I was with people (even people I knew who cared, just that I felt the void within that I knew they couldn't fill), but even so, there was at least comfort for me in knowing someone knew I felt that way, someone was there in the physical world with me, caring for me - I felt less alone in my aloneness....maybe disconnected, but not forsaken. And that gave hope that there was a way back to feeling connected, less alone.....
I have spent a lot of time in my life pulling away from people, feeling like I would always be lonely somehow anyway......but I've found that reaching out when I feel like pulling away is so much better for my mind/soul. I've learned it with my T too - I managed to reach out to her, be open, when I felt like closing up and pulling away from her (so different than I usually might do!), and it was actually so freeing for me.....to feel a new connection where the disconnect had been. Please forgive me if I've hit any wrong notes here....but I guess I'm just saying I hope you reach out, reach for that connection with hope, with your T!

[WePow]

((((Improving)))) It may sound strange, but one of the most healing things I had to do during that time frame was to mourn the loss. I had to go through the emotions and allow myself to honestly feel the depth of the pain.

It was strange because my college T told me "Would it kill you to just go into your room and lock the door and allow yourself to feel 'outloud' what you are stuffing away inside?"

I thought to myself "I suppose it could!!" and so I actually took him up on it because the pain was so great that I thought it would be the end of me - and that was fine at the time. Soooo.......

What ended up happening was that the pain all came out. It was very hard. It was very painful. But I just let it all come through. I cried until there was nothing left to cry out.

Strangely, the next morning when I woke up I had such a strong sensation of freedom. It was amazing to feel the lightness inside. And strangely, I felt free of her!!

[Kacey2]

Improving,
I sincerely feel your pain and emptiness right now. You were able to articulate that very well in your writing. It must be very difficult to be in that state of limbo with your partner. And the airport shutting down in the midst of the holidays is a super low.

When the break comes and we feel the disconnect from t it can make life situations seem unbearable. I am so pleased that you can dig deep and find some DBT skills to use. That is so difficult to do. I personally have a hard time accessing them when I feel like I am flying solo in the world. (on break from skills training, coaching line, individual t)

I was wondering if you could possibly print off your post and bring it to your session? I know that would be jumping in with both feet right away. But if you could hand it over to t she would definately know where you are at right now and I am thinking she might be able to navigate her way through and gently find a way to have you feel contained, held, connected, give you hope, encourage you, calm your fears. That might be just what is needed after this stressful holiday.

I feel all the things you stated in your first post.I too felt like a bit of a failure and such a let down for having allowed a person into my heart only to find that I was hurt.But I came to understand...relationships take two people...making me only half responsible.I was not in control of the other half.I believe love is a real and obtainable experience.It occurs and it can last forever or be shortlived.It is sad when the love/relationship fades ...if it does fade.But we can try to walk away from all experiences with our focus on the lovely things that occurred...as well as with some life experience from the difficulties.This means absolute crap at the moment for you because you are hurt.Perhaps at some point you can grasp the concept of what I mean.Think back to so many times where you thought...this is it!...I give up!...F it...But you got through and you healed to some extent and things got to be ok again...even lovely.Please know " this too shall pass",and you will be alright again.Don't give up on love.Love can be short lived or last 4 ever...But there is always something lovely within it to carry with you.

Thank you all so much. The relationship stuff with my partner is so complicated because she certainly does love me and this isn't 'the end'. Saying goodbye, having a good cry, dusting myself off and starting again might be simpler in a way. Not painless, but at least there'd be a map for that. I can't find a map for what I need to do now.

Today, it feels like I'm all out. I used up every last ounce of skilfulness to get to today, when I was counting on T's help, but the earliest she can help me is tomorrow evening. That's probably best because I truly can't let myself be that vulnerable again. I've told her I'm not coming back. It feels easy to say that because she seems like a stranger now anyway. I've emailed another (male) T to ask about doing schema therapy (which I was about to start with my current T) with him instead. I've never been able to form any kind of emotional connection to males, so hopefully that will be much simpler and more straightforward.

Is all this wise mind? It's hard to tell. It does feel very peaceful. But maybe it's the peace of giving up. I just don't know. I do know that it's getting dark here for the evening and I haven't yet moved from my bed. The poor dog is lying devotedly across my legs and even she deserves a better life than this. How much longer?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Improving

Thank you all so much. The relationship stuff with my partner is so complicated because she certainly does love me and this isn't 'the end'. Saying goodbye, having a good cry, dusting myself off and starting again might be simpler in a way. Not painless, but at least there'd be a map for that. I can't find a map for what I need to do now.

Today, it feels like I'm all out. I used up every last ounce of skilfulness to get to today, when I was counting on T's help, but the earliest she can help me is tomorrow evening. That's probably best because I truly can't let myself be that vulnerable again. I've told her I'm not coming back. It feels easy to say that because she seems like a stranger now anyway. I've emailed another (male) T to ask about doing schema therapy (which I was about to start with my current T) with him instead. I've never been able to form any kind of emotional connection to males, so hopefully that will be much simpler and more straightforward.

Is all this wise mind? It's hard to tell. It does feel very peaceful. But maybe it's the peace of giving up. I just don't know. I do know that it's getting dark here for the evening and I haven't yet moved from my bed. The poor dog is lying devotedly across my legs and even she deserves a better life than this. How much longer?

It's OK to just rest your heart and mind for this moment, anyway, and see if the peace stays with you and is true.

[rainbow8]

((((((improving))))))

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time now. Only you know what route to go so that you can feel better. It doesn't seem like the time to say goodbye to your T and start with another, but maybe that's what you need to do right now. Or maybe you need to drag yourself in to see your T and just be honest about where you are right now.

I'm glad that it's not the end for you and your partner. You said you don't have a map for what to do. Then, just let things evolve and the answers will come to you. Please be nice to yourself and I wish you happier times soon!!