Finally called my Therapist

I have read about so many of you having severe anxiety prior to going to an appointment. Why do we feel like that? I just want to go in there and be relaxed, but I can't most of the time.

T tells this is normal and that she expects me to 'not want to talk' sometimes. I just feel like I am wasting her time and MY money when we don't have a fruitful session.

The past week has been terrible for me. Christmas always bring depression for some reason. Then having to think about my homework for my next therapy session has had me a nervous wreck.

I am to go back and revisit my first marriage. I was only 17 at the time! Looking back at pictures and thinking about how miserable I was in that relationship, has stirred up emotions I don't want to think about.

Why bring all that back up? I can't change anything that happened. I just want to forget those bad memories!

I finally broke down and called my T tonight. I have NEVER done that before. She was okay with it and talked me through my anxiety. She tells me that I have a lot of anger and hurt that I am suppressing because of that marriage.

She is probably right, but to go back to that time in my life is killing me on the inside. I am an emotional wreck just thinking about it. Is it really going to 'heal my inner self' by going back to that?

I do feel better after talking with her. We were on the phone for 45 minutes. I was shocked that she would stay with me that long.

My next appointment is Thursday. I sure hope that I calm down before then. Anxiety is a killer!

I feel like that every week! I try to plan the session and know exactly what I want to talk about. But if I don't have much to talk about, or feel like I don't want to talk I get so anxious and nervous.

I'm sorry Christmas is so hard for you, it is my least favorite time of the year also. Congratulations for calling your T...I know how hard it is to finally make the call. I called and left a message for mine for the first time today too. I must have stared at the phone for 20 minutes! Why is it so hard to call someone we want to talk to so much?? Glad you feel better

((((((((((((((Squiggle))))))))))))))))

I know it doesn't feel like talking about the past will help, but somehow, it does. There is something powerful about giving ourselves a voice, about unburying the crap in our heads and setting ourselves FREE. Things get smaller once they're out of my head. I can manage them, instead of having them swirl around forever and ever. I never thought that talking about the past, and feeling the feelings that go with it would help, but it does, and it has.

But. I am afraid to talk about my mom in therapy, and it's a real sticking point right now. I feel very much like "what's the POINT?" but I know what the point is (see above! lol). I'm just scared to have to face all of it.

Remember that it's okay to take baby steps. You don't have to talk about all of it at once. I swear to you, I spent ENTIRE SESSIONS getting myself to say things like "the door opened and I saw his hand" or "he was wearing a red shirt". Literally. ENTIRE. SESSIONS. But once I talked a little, I could do it a little more the next time, and a little more the time after that.

I'm really really glad you called T. That is really good self-care.

Sweetlove: For me it is so hard to call because I don't want to look weak~I also don't want to interrupt her family time.

She told me tonight that if it wasn't okay for me to call her when I having a really, really hard time, she would have told me. She said that I should ask myself this question:"Why do I not believe what people tell me? Why do I just assume they won't follow through?"

She is right. I don't expect people to follow through because most of the times in my life they haven't! She said that I need to work on that part of me that does not trust anyone!

Sq, a lot of what you wrote in this thread sounds like me. (except the marriage). I am in the process of going through REALLY uncomfortable stuff in my past...this is work that I am initiating, my therapist isn't someone who is "tough" or gives out homework. I just feel it's time, I've been holding back for almost a decade with her, and even longer before that because I've never dealt with it at all period. I don't have any history of abuse (I totally feel for all of you who were), but there are some traumatic events that happened that I feel contribute to 1) my paralyzing social anxiety and 2) inability to be in an intimate relationship. I feel like I need T more than ever before...more than when I've had personal losses (father, grandfather, etc.). I never used to leave her voicemails AT ALL except for business stuff (asking her when our next appt. was, etc.) and now I have left about 3 of them in the past few months. I would never call her cell because it's only for clinical emergencies, of which I consider to be self-injury or suicidal thoughts.... As you said, "I don't want to look weak". Ugh! It's so frustrating, isn't it? Take care.

I feel like I'm "vomiting" it out.

I agree with the 'vomiting'. For me, it feels like you are a clay pot that is 'in tact'. Then someone comes along and pokes holes all in it. The contents that were in that pot come seeping out through every hole. If the hole is large enough, it gushing through that one.

There are too many holes to plug up! At this point, I cannot keep it all in. It is coming out everywhere and I cannot stop it. It is out of control. That is not comfortable for me, but that is where I am at in therapy.

My T says that this is where we have been trying to get. Now we can work on healing each any every one of those 'holes' and repairing them

Hope this makes sense.

makes perfect sense to me! I feel like that too - my T said something once about imagining a dam I had up and all sorts of holes were opening here and there and I was running out of fingers to plug them all with to keep the dam from breaking! so, might as well let it out and stop trying so hard to plug it all up again....

For me, it also feels like I'm going down into the deepest, most disgusting, moldy-smelling basement...and I'm taking a hacksaw to a reinforced metal door down there with those huge rusty chains people used to chain dogs up with.

This thread reminds me about the story of the cracked pot...

Once upon a time there was a man whose job was to bring water from the stream to his Master's house. The man carried the water from the stream in two clay pots. He hung the pots on each end of a pole, which he carried across his shoulders, to and from the stream many times a day.



One of the clay pots was perfect in every way for its purpose. The other pot was exactly like the first one, but it had a crack in it and it leaked. When the water bearer reached his Master's house, the perfect pot was always full, and the cracked pot was always half full.



The perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, and it boasted loudly. It criticized the cracked pot for its failures, and reminded it that despite his efforts, the water bearer could only deliver half a pot of water due to his cracks. The poor cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfections, and was miserable that it could only accomplish half of what it was supposed to do.


One day the cracked pot spoke to the water bearer. "I want to apologize to you. Because of my cracked side I've only been able to deliver half of the water to your Master's home, and you don't get the full value from your efforts."


The water bearer smiled on the cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the Master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."


Indeed as they climbed the path from the river to the Master's mansion the cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful flowers along one side of the path, and it felt somewhat brighter. But when they reached their destination and the water in the half-empty pot was poured out, his sadness returned. "Thank you for trying to cheer me up with the beautiful flowers, water bearer," The pot spoke. " But I still must apologize for my failure."


The water bearer said, "Dear pot, you haven't understood what I was trying to show you. Did you notice that the flowers only grew on your side of the path? That's because of your crack. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and everyday as we walked from the stream the water that leaks from your pot has watered them. I could have got a new pot, but I preferred to gather the flowers, and with them to bless many tables."

Thanks Jill~ I have heard that story before, and it does relate so much to how I feel in therapy.

I LOVE that story, too. So beautiful.....

I remember reading that story a long time ago in school I think...