Hi PC friends

I have been SO ANGRY in the days following therapy sessions lately, no matter how session went (and Monday's session was awesome, you know? But still! The anger!) I sent an e-mail to T late last night, and asked for a response, but he never responded. I'm not surprised...he's really difficult to communicate with on Wednesdays...but I still feel kind of "out there" with the whole thing. So, I just want to post it here, because I don't feel like being alone with it. It's long.

Hi T,

Well, here I am not sleeping again, even though I've had WAY than my fair share of klonopin (I can't even FEEL it - maybe it's a bad batch or something). I should be knocked out. But. Here I am.

So, I had this big anger thing today. Followed closely by "I'm going to take every pill in the world" (which I didn't follow through on, obviously). At first, I thought, I'm just going to accept this. There doesn't have to be a reason for it. It can just be what it is.

But, I don't know. It just kind of kept pushing and pushing at me. I finally decided to let myself think about it for a limited time (like 10 minutes). I think I spent three of those minutes leaving you a voice mail message. I did start to get the feeling that the anger comes the day after therapy sessions.

So, after the kids went to bed tonight, I looked through some old e-mails. OMG. So much crappy unfinished business. I guess that's the ****** thing about once a week. This stuff gets opened up and there's no resolution. All of this time goes by, and it's on to the next thing.

Things I am angry about that we started talking about but never went anywhere with:
1. The way my body responded to what happened. Ugh. UGH.
2. The fact that we still call it "that thing that happened". *I* am scared to call it whatever the hell it is - what IS it? molestation? sexual abuse? they seem like such big words. this is one of those moments when you feel like my parent and I just want you to TELL me already and release me from the confusion, the fear of making it too big of a deal, the fear that it ISN'T a big deal. I mean. What IS it? What is it?
3. The difficulty of switching to once a week. When we "miss" each other in a session, I have to sit with stuff for SO long. I feel like I've worked so hard and built up these coping skills...and then it feels like my coping skills last exactly 3 days, if that. 7 days feels like a lifetime. And I think it leads to the discontinuity in numbers 1 and 2 up there and I end up with all of these stupid open wounds.
4. The fact that I still need so much help. I want to be a HELPER. Not someone who NEEDS help.
5. MY MOM. MY MOM!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
6. My little parts and their loud loud loud needs and my teen part and her loud loud loud anger.

Ack. Obviously I'm into lists right now, huh?

I loved session yesterday. L-O-V-E-D it. Loved it. So what the hell, you know?

And the thing is, I AM TRYING SO HARD. I AM TRYING. I pray every night and thank god for the many many many many many good things in my life. I ask him to help me show other people the grace that he shows me. I ask him to help me connect with the people in my life that I am so lucky to have. And I pray every morning and thank him for another day, and ask for help in doing the next right thing.

I look for grace, everywhere. I am OPEN. I am ready. I see the grace.

I know living in the tension is good and healthy. But I don't know. I'm not sure I'm exactly there.

[Christina86]

Holy **** Tree, I could have written that email myself! Actually writing an email myself might be helpful....

I'm sorry that you're so angry, but you kinda have a right to be. I hope T replies to your email too!! Bravo on being able to express yourself and where you're at, that takes a helluva lot of gumption.

[Melbadaze]

tree, I don't resond much to you becasue you seem to open up and then go defensive again...almost like the real you comes through who isn't all together that is f**ked up like us all then the little gal who preys to god, who wants to be a good gal to gawd appears...perso ally if god is there he'll be fine with you not finding grace in all things and will let you be angry and f**ked up and I never did think you were that together that going down to one a wk was right, yes perhaps financially but not emtionally...i'm surprised your T doesn't see that?...this isn't an attacking post to you, î hope you can read it in the true light it is given...

[sugahorse1]

Tree- That was a lovely, honest mail. I hope it took a weight off your shoulders and that your T can reply.
Sorry you are going through pain - can you figure out what is causing the pain? And then work with T on the specific incidences that cause the pain?

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

almost like the real you comes through who isn't all together that is f**ked up like us all then the little gal who preys to god, who wants to be a good gal to gawd appears..

Is it that black and white? I AM ****ed up, just like everyone else, obviously. And I pray and do other things to try to find and give compassion and to keep healing. Both are true. And I don't mean that defensively, at all. I just am who I am. I'm just me.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by treehouse

. I just am who I am. I'm just me.

don't think thats in question, do you?

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

.almost like the real you comes through who isn't all together that is f**ked up like us all then the little gal who preys to god, who wants to be a good gal to gawd appears..

I think "almost like the real you comes through" made me feel like it was in question, like sometimes, I'm not the "real me". This is just who I am.

[granite1]

big hugs tree.i think what you e-mailed you T is ok and also what needed to be said.i hope he is able to approach these subjects and help you deal with them.i do know it is hard when you are only meeting once a week

[sugahorse1]

I think the mail to T was all you. The raw and honest you. You opened up your soul to share what was really going on in those dark places inside. That took courage

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think "almost like the real you comes through" made me feel like it was in question, like sometimes, I'm not the "real me". This is just who I am.

No it wasn't meant in any insulting manner, its something we all do, isn't it? use defences to hide from ourselfs our real feelings at times? Tree I just took it for granted you understand that, my fault for taking that for granted...everyone does it to a degree, I think those of us with trauma do it more so, has that explained it? You understand this from your own therapy don't you?

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

No it wasn't meant in any insulting manner, its something we all do, isn't it? use defences to hide from ourselfs our real feelings at times? Tree I just took it for granted you understand that, my fault for taking that for granted...everyone does it to a degree, I think those of us with trauma do it more so, has that explained it? You understand this from your own therapy don't you?

Absolutely! AND my post was about my real feelings.

I'm grateful that all of this therapy has allowed me to get closer to being my authentic self. Before therapy, I really was just a pile of defenses. I'm much much close now to just being me.

And certainly, in this e-mail to T, I was being absolutely honest and real. I'm not sure why being angry and being grateful are mutually exclusive? Or maybe I'm misreading what you wrote.

Honestly, I was just looking for some support for some genuine pain, support that wasn't available from T right then.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Absolutely! AND my post was about my real feelings.

I'm grateful that all of this therapy has allowed me to get closer to being my authentic self. Before therapy, I really was just a pile of defenses. I'm much much close now to just being me.

And certainly, in this e-mail to T, I was being absolutely honest and real. I'm not sure why being angry and being grateful are mutually exclusive? Or maybe I'm misreading what you wrote.

Honestly, I was just looking for some support for some genuine pain, support that wasn't available from T right then.

yes I was agreeing with you in that post, that you were being real in that post...ok I'm dropping the rope, we dont seem to be on the same wave lenght..you seem to have a fixed idea of what support "should" look like, from my end I felt I was being support of you...was glad you were being more real in that post...but I think we're just miscommunicate if we continue...carry on as you were..

[sittingatwatersedge]

dearest Tree.

You do so well, trying to tolerate the feelings; thinking of possible ways to address them (including hosp); handling obsessive thoughts by saying, i will think about them for just 10 minutes; making a list (my T would really give you a gold star for that)
about your list
1. the body is a body; when the air is cold, it shivers; when it comes in contact with something hot, it hurts. One's will does not reside in the body; your intelligence and will are your highest powers but they can't control the body but so far. You can will to look right or left, or sit down or raise your hand; but you can't will to stop breathing, you can't will your heart to stop beating; you can't will your nerve endings to not respond (granted, you might dissociate; but that's in the mind too, not the body)
2. this will change in time, with patience and T's good skills. Be gentle with yourself.
3. Timing changes are so hard. My going from 3 wks to once a week was an ENORMOUS change. Now events are moving me back to 2-3-even 4 wks, and it's tremendously hard to make an adjustment. T says that the adjustment will come, though, so I guess I believe it can. Hopefully for you too.
4. I love you for #4. You certainly can be both though. You are already a helper to your sons, to yr DH, and ABSOLUTELY to people on PC, who need a unique kind of help. Don't ever doubt that you're a helper.
5. wow. Do I ever recognize this one. Your anger is a good tool here; you and T might explore what it can do for you in this area.
6. There are other parts, ones that were so greviously harmed, whose needs have had to come first. For these parts you mention now, there's time for them to be heard and attended to.

You ARE trying!! I wish you could see the good that flows from you. Please go gently, dear friend.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Hi PC friends

I have been SO ANGRY in the days following therapy sessions lately, no matter how session went (and Monday's session was awesome, you know? But still! The anger!) I sent an e-mail to T late last night, and asked for a response, but he never responded. I'm not surprised...he's really difficult to communicate with on Wednesdays...but I still feel kind of "out there" with the whole thing. So, I just want to post it here, because I don't feel like being alone with it. It's long.

Hi T,

Well, here I am not sleeping again, even though I've had WAY than my fair share of klonopin (I can't even FEEL it - maybe it's a bad batch or something). I should be knocked out. But. Here I am.

So, I had this big anger thing today. Followed closely by "I'm going to take every pill in the world" (which I didn't follow through on, obviously). At first, I thought, I'm just going to accept this. There doesn't have to be a reason for it. It can just be what it is.

But, I don't know. It just kind of kept pushing and pushing at me. I finally decided to let myself think about it for a limited time (like 10 minutes). I think I spent three of those minutes leaving you a voice mail message. I did start to get the feeling that the anger comes the day after therapy sessions.

So, after the kids went to bed tonight, I looked through some old e-mails. OMG. So much crappy unfinished business. I guess that's the ****** thing about once a week. This stuff gets opened up and there's no resolution. All of this time goes by, and it's on to the next thing.

Things I am angry about that we started talking about but never went anywhere with:
1. The way my body responded to what happened. Ugh. UGH.
2. The fact that we still call it "that thing that happened". *I* am scared to call it whatever the hell it is - what IS it? molestation? sexual abuse? they seem like such big words. this is one of those moments when you feel like my parent and I just want you to TELL me already and release me from the confusion, the fear of making it too big of a deal, the fear that it ISN'T a big deal. I mean. What IS it? What is it?
3. The difficulty of switching to once a week. When we "miss" each other in a session, I have to sit with stuff for SO long. I feel like I've worked so hard and built up these coping skills...and then it feels like my coping skills last exactly 3 days, if that. 7 days feels like a lifetime. And I think it leads to the discontinuity in numbers 1 and 2 up there and I end up with all of these stupid open wounds.
4. The fact that I still need so much help. I want to be a HELPER. Not someone who NEEDS help.
5. MY MOM. MY MOM!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
6. My little parts and their loud loud loud needs and my teen part and her loud loud loud anger.

Ack. Obviously I'm into lists right now, huh?

I loved session yesterday. L-O-V-E-D it. Loved it. So what the hell, you know?

And the thing is, I AM TRYING SO HARD. I AM TRYING. I pray every night and thank god for the many many many many many good things in my life. I ask him to help me show other people the grace that he shows me. I ask him to help me connect with the people in my life that I am so lucky to have. And I pray every morning and thank him for another day, and ask for help in doing the next right thing.

I look for grace, everywhere. I am OPEN. I am ready. I see the grace.

I know living in the tension is good and healthy. But I don't know. I'm not sure I'm exactly there.

You write so well! I could have written most of that myself, too - I understand intimately a great part of your struggle/emotions here.
I understand the anger, I understand the wanting to be a helper and not wanting to need so much help, and I understand the looking for grace - these are all parts of me, too.
One thing, about wanting to be a helper/not wanting to need help - well, being able to understand the need for help/accept help when you need it is something that does help you to be a better helper! So both are possible at once, really - even though you need help, you can still be a helper, and really be a better helper for it. I see how you help so much on here. You have a heart for it, I can see that - and that's because you are looking for grace, you have found grace, and you have it to share!
I'm looking for this grace, too, and want so much to be able to hold on to my thankfulness for grace given - and give it in turn, too!

[Oceanwave]

((((Treehouse))))

This is a very articulate email, and it shows that you have thought through why you are angry, and found that your anger is partly related to your sessions. Re the so much unfinished business, I do hope you can talk to your therapist how best to work on them effectively. Can you go a bit more often, say three times in two weeks for a while, until you get through most of them? It seems to me that there are many loose threads, which you forget on the surface but they leave a mark - hence your anger. I'm so glad you thought about this and figured it out. And I hope you can take it to session.

[WePow]

I agree with Oceanwave that this was a VERY clear email!!!

It is so hard going through the trauma healing because no matter WHAT is said in session or how much we are given by our T, it can't remove what was done to us. It can't make the thing go "away"

The anger is REAL and is a part of your needed healing emotions. You need to be angry. And when we can't touch/reach/kick/punch/destroy the abuser - well our mind has to do that to SOMEONE. I wrote my T Sunday a very nasty email about how much I hated him. How much I wasnted him to protect me from others who hurt me like what happened in the store. I was ANGRY with T. But he didn't do anything wrong and so that confused me. After I sent the email, I went back and read it and was shocked to see that the person who popped into my mind while I was reading the email was my father! I know what transference is, but I didn't see how it could be THAT when it was T I was mad at! But then I wrote T back telling him what I figured out and it fit perfectly. I am not safe to tell my father all that stuff that is THERE.
And until I get it out of my system, it just will not heal.

I could be way off, but I sense that maybe you NEED to be angry but there is a block there on being angry with the abuser/s. Conflicting emotions of love/pleasure/guilt/shame can be that block. But your T is there. When you are with your T, your hurt parts are very exposed. Sooo.... it makes TOTAL sense that you would feel the pure RAGE towards T for all of this.

I encourage you to write it out... just go off the reservation on this one. Just write it all out in either an email or journal. You CAN email it to T if you want! Or save it for session.

If you want, start off with: T, I NEED to get this poison out of me. I know it may be transference or may not be. Do NOT reply to this email. In fact, you don't even have to read it now - save it for session if you want. But I need to RAGE right now outload and towards YOU because I have to heal. Thank you very much for being my punching bag in this pain. (That was the start of one of my emails!)

Then just let 'er rip! Like the sound "Shout Shout Let it all Out!"
You deserve to RAGE over the entire situation!!!!! What was done against you was flat out wrong. You have a RIGHT to be very angry.

So exhausted.

I literally went and cried - sobbed - for an hour. I couldn't talk. Or, I tried to, but T kept having to ask "what did you say?" over and over.

Right when I walked in his office I saw something that triggered me - all of my shame, and self-loathing. I'm just a big pile of triggers today. It was awful. I guess if I have to sit somewhere and cry, T's office is a good place for it. But. Ugh.

He wrote me a note that said "I'm okay". He said I am not allowed to throw it away, because it's not okay to throw away the truth. He said I need to read it over and over whether or not I believe it.

I feel like I will NEVER feel better again, even though I know it's not true. I know feelings always change.

Today sucks.

[WePow]

((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))) It is true that the past can't be undone. :-(

But it is also true that the future belongs to you.

Just keep that in mind as you are processing these triggers and this level of agony.
This is the work. This is the hardest part of the whole experience. And what you feel is the reason I want to seriously harm those big loosers who do things to harm others like what was done to you. It is not fair that you suffer this way. They are the ones who deserve to have the pain you have right now.

All I can do is offer you my virtual arms and just let you know that I also understand the pain and how real it is. You have to do this as you because no one else can take the pain away from you. But you are NOT doing this alone. You have others standing with you on this journey who know too deeply how you are hurting. And they love you very very much - like I do. You are not alone.

[Sannah]

Tree, this IS such progress that your anger and pain are coming out.

Talking about your list in therapy will be very helpful.

So do you feel that you are failing because you are angry?

Your ability to feel that you deserve help and that your purpose isn't just to meet everyone else's needs seems like the blockage here to me...........

[rainbow8]

tree:

[SpiritRunner]

[Sweetlove]

Tree, that email was amazing and I think its awesome you were able to be so raw in your email and in session, I've been able to achieve that for years. You didn't need to say anything in front of your T, you said everything that needed to be said by being so emotional. Your very lucky to have the T you have, he sounds quite wonderful! Hope you feel better<3

(((((((((((((((tree))))))))))))))

you are okay. it's okay to be angry too or to feel crappy. you will get thru this dear tree.

[googley]

(((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

You will get through all these strong feelings. I think it is wonderful that you can identify what they are and where they are coming from. It will make it easier to process them. You can do this, no matter how hard it seems. Your T will walk with you through this just as he has walked with you through your telling your story. His isn't going to disappear.

[ECHOES]

Just reading this and sening you many

Anger scares me and when the lid gets popped off my anger jar and it feels uncontained, it scares me and makes me angry. When I can't pinpoint what it's about, that scares me and makes me angry too. Or, if it seems to be about a global "everything" that is overwhelming and scary.

Stupid anger

I hope you're feeling much better. Any chance you can go back to twice a week sometime soon?