[granite1]

I'm in panic mode again.i have T on Monday and i have this new therapy style looming over me.Tuesday was the worst but i held out sending my T an email or anything.but Wednesday night i started to panic again and i ended out sending one.it was full of I'm panicking ,i don't want to talk,i don't want to come to T etc...you know all the stuff T love to hear from us over and over again(not)after about an hour i calmed down and sent her another one just saying"can we just not do whatever it is you were talking about,i guess that was what i was trying to say with a bunch of drama mixed in"i hope she will understand better whit it being put this way that i don't want to do it not that i am just scared.the more i think about it the more scared i get about it.i try to tell myself just like you all do she cant make me talk.but what if she says things.sometimes i swear she knows things i never told he and i don't know how.i really don't want to go to therapy Monday.i hope she calls me Monday and tells me we wont do it and it is OK otherwise i don't think i am going to be able to go

[SpiritRunner]

granite, you can go! I think your T understands and will be gentle with you. of course she wants you to talk to her, but she won't make you. she'll wait for your words. it will be ok. I'll go with you!

[elliemay]

Granite,

What do you think would have happen if you just gave yourself total permission for not talking. Just said "alright, this is evidently not something that I want to do right now or I would be doing it".

What if you gave yourself a therapy break and just kind of floated with yourself for awhile?

Totally accepted where you are right now, and just went with it.

What if you took this pressure off? Maybe did some art on your own, just for yourself. Maybe journaled on your own and only for you to read.

Maybe just lived?

What do you think would happen?

[granite1]

thanks poet.but not so sure i can do this but love riders.honestly at first a part of me was relieved and thinking she really can help me talk and deal with so much pain and anger.she knows how.then it quickly moved toshe can help me talk and deal with all this pain and anger,she knows how. OMGfeeling this big time just writing this i dont know what to do.i have plans for thismorning and then work but then nothing untill T monday and if i'm gooing i will spend the whole time just getting myself worked up.i really get scared she dont know what she is asking for.i dont want to burn her out or scare her.she is a really nice person.and even when i try to say something i dont work

[sugahorse1]

How about coming up with a word that you and her can use. When you mention this word, it's because she's going down a road you don't want to, and you want her to stop.
Then you are still directing the session.
I think it'll be really good for you to give it a try

[granite1]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Granite,

What do you think would have happen if you just gave yourself total permission for not talking. Just said "alright, this is evidently not something that I want to do right now or I would be doing it".

What if you gave yourself a therapy break and just kind of floated with yourself for awhile?

Totally accepted where you are right now, and just went with it.

What if you took this pressure off? Maybe did some art on your own, just for yourself. Maybe journaled on your own and only for you to read.

Maybe just lived?

What do you think would happen?

this is kind of what i am thinking .stop Therapy.

[sugahorse1]

oooooo .... not a good topic. But I do hear you. Except - your reason for termination would be wrong. Moving away from the pain. I know it's hard to push through the pain, but you can do it
((granite))

[Fartraveler]

Granite, maybe you can use some kind of method to get yourself in a calmer place? Physical exercise, music, meditation -- whatever works for you. I get the whole thing about getting oneself all worked up before therapy. But you should probably at least try it -- your T sounds gentle and understanding. Maybe you could try some self-soothing stuff, for now?

Take care,
-Far

[rainbow8]

I know the temptation to stop therapy is great. But you did send the emails and now your T knows your fears, right? So, she will not do something you're afraid of right now. Remember, T is on YOUR side. It's not a fight, you against her. She will go at YOUR pace, not hers.

I'll go with you too, and tell her she'd better take it slow, or else!

[ladyjrnlist]

I hope it's gone or will go OK. Just pace yourself. rEmember what others have already said. It's your pace.

[Sannah]

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by granite1

this is kind of what i am thinking .stop Therapy.

Actually, i was thinking a lot along the lines of stop inflicting this pain on yourself. Just letting yourself be for awhile, whether it's with your therapist or not.

Somehow, someway it has got to be more okay for you to talk or not. There has to be some room for some peace in there.

And I think you owe it to yourself by giving yourself that gift of peace.

I am also a big believer in the old chinese adage "when the student is ready, the master will appear".

I know your therapist is a master, and a patient one, but there's got to be a way to give yourself some time and space to be ready.

oh granite., i hear pain. i hear fear. i am so sorry
sending lots and lots of safe hugs

ps i hope you do go to t, from what you have said, she really wants to help you... bring your own crayons and paper, sit on the floor and just start coloring. the rest will come

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know the temptation to stop therapy is great. But you did send the emails and now your T knows your fears, right? So, she will not do something you're afraid of right now. Remember, T is on YOUR side. It's not a fight, you against her. She will go at YOUR pace, not hers.

I'll go with you too, and tell her she'd better take it slow, or else!

i was just sitting here thinking about all this.how did you ever feel it was ok to talk?
I really am starting to like this T.and all of you are right she has never made me talk at all in fact she has been willing to sit week after week in total scilence for over a year for the most part,somethimes without even a hello.she really is an awsome T.guess i need to be reminded to look at this every once in a while add it to the list of things T has done to show me she is trustworthy.how do i know she can handle my words and also how can i know i wont loose controle.some day i know i am just going to have to trust that things will be ok no matter what i say and feel as long as i dont act on negative thoughts.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Actually, i was thinking a lot along the lines of stop inflicting this pain on yourself. Just letting yourself be for awhile, whether it's with your therapist or not.

Somehow, someway it has got to be more okay for you to talk or not. There has to be some room for some peace in there.

And I think you owe it to yourself by giving yourself that gift of peace.

I am also a big believer in the old chinese adage "when the student is ready, the master will appear".

I know your therapist is a master, and a patient one, but there's got to be a way to give yourself some time and space to be ready.

i so hope i get to the point that talking is more important than not.i want to be at piece with being able to talk not just with my T but with others in my life .but it seems super imposable to talk to T.the fear is amazing.she seems to know this.i know it isnt good for me to be this way.and am despritely trying to find a way to be ok .

((((((((((((granite)))))))))))

I like far's suggestion of finding a way to self-soothe before session. Maybe doing some art on your own, or listening to music, or walking outside, or whatever helps you.

What if you took art with you? Or a collage, like some of us have done? Sometimes it's easier to have something concrete like that to talk about. She can even ask questions and you can just nod yes or no.

Or, like Ellie said, maybe you can just relax into the talking or not talking. It seems like your T is willing to wait as long as she needs to for you to build the trust and confidence to talk. Maybe just allow yourself to not talk...let yourself believe between sessions that not talking is okay...and just go experience being in that safe space. Let yourself rest a little.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((((granite)))))))))))

I like far's suggestion of finding a way to self-soothe before session. Maybe doing some art on your own, or listening to music, or walking outside, or whatever helps you.

What if you took art with you? Or a collage, like some of us have done? Sometimes it's easier to have something concrete like that to talk about. She can even ask questions and you can just nod yes or no.

Or, like Ellie said, maybe you can just relax into the talking or not talking. It seems like your T is willing to wait as long as she needs to for you to build the trust and confidence to talk. Maybe just allow yourself to not talk...let yourself believe between sessions that not talking is okay...and just go experience being in that safe space. Let yourself rest a little.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

i have to admit that i do love going and sitting in her office it really does feel safe for the most part.exsept i had a small problem once and she did help me with that.and i also love to listen to her talk it is really calming i may not have any idea what she is talking about but it is very calming.i wish she would do more of it but I know she wont because she wants me to speak

[googley]

(((((((((Granite))))))))))

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by granite1

i so hope i get to the point that talking is more important than not.i want to be at piece with being able to talk not just with my T but with others in my life .but it seems super imposable to talk to T.the fear is amazing.she seems to know this.i know it isnt good for me to be this way.and am despritely trying to find a way to be ok .

Actually, what I'm addressing is the NOT talking part. What if you just relaxed, told yourself it OKAY that i'm not ready to talk. Period. I'm just not ready.
What I want for you (and I hope this is what you want for yourself) is for the desparation to be alleviated.

Honestly, IMO the fear you are expressing is not about the talking, it's already coming from what you are not talking about.

If that's the case, oh my goodness! Who wouldn't be afraid! It's ok.

I would try to stop saying "it isn't good for me to be this way" That sounds like a super harsh judgement to me, and one that is NOT warranted at all. I think you are OK right now. Perhaps you could try to repeat that to yourself a couple of times. I am OK right now.

Replace that tape in your head that says "I must" with one that says "I will". Maybe not today or tomorrow but "I will".

Peace to you and be safe.

[granite1]

i do like changing it to i will someday instead of i must.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((( granite ))))))))))))))) I am thinking of you today.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Best of luck to you Granite!

(((((((((((granite)))))))))))

it sounds like you aren't sure what she has planned for the next session. maybe you could ask her what she is thinking of doing--in email or by handing her the words on a piece of paper in session if you can't find the words? i think that might really calm your fears to know more about what she wants to do. i don't think i've responded to your threads before because i wasn't sure how to be helpful but when you explained why you don't want to talk it all made perfect sense. i can totally understand your fear. is there any way you can communicate to T why you are so afraid to talk, again in whatever form is easiest? maybe talking about the fear of talking is the first step to actually talking about the other stuff. it might also be helpful for your T to first work on teaching you to ground yourself so then when you do talk you can do it without feeling out of control and make sure you are safe before you leave a session. please be gentle with yourself granite. you are precious.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by bloom3

(((((((((((granite)))))))))))

it sounds like you aren't sure what she has planned for the next session. maybe you could ask her what she is thinking of doing--in email or by handing her the words on a piece of paper in session if you can't find the words? i think that might really calm your fears to know more about what she wants to do. i don't think i've responded to your threads before because i wasn't sure how to be helpful but when you explained why you don't want to talk it all made perfect sense. i can totally understand your fear. is there any way you can communicate to T why you are so afraid to talk, again in whatever form is easiest? maybe talking about the fear of talking is the first step to actually talking about the other stuff. it might also be helpful for your T to first work on teaching you to ground yourself so then when you do talk you can do it without feeling out of control and make sure you are safe before you leave a session. please be gentle with yourself granite. you are precious.

she kind of talked about my fear of talking on monday for the first time directly.she talked to me about some reasons why and some things that may help like this type of T she is talking about trying.i did send her an e- mail but she wont get back to me untill monday morning

[SpiritRunner]

be gentle with yourself, granite....it'll be ok. thinking of you.....