[rainbow8]

My last session seems so "foggy" and my T seems far away from me. I don't seem to care so much, though. I sent her a second email last night and told her to be sure not to answer even though I sounded a little "off." I wrote about death and still not grieving for my mother, and about loving my kids and grandchildren. I didn't think I had more reactions to the EMDR but maybe those sad feelings are the reaction. The buzzers still make me angry but it's distant.

I don't feel angry with my T. I'm feeling more resigned but sad about my life, a little depressed. I'm not sure if this is a positive or negative. It could be that I don't have the highs or lows of expecting her emails for 2 weeks. I'm tired all of the time, but I don't get enough sleep.

How do I know if this "blah" feeling is normal or depression?

[sugahorse1]

(((Rainbow))) Sorry you're feeling 'foggy'. If it's only a few days after your last T visit, it may be that you are still processing the session. Give yourself time. But if it continues to linger, it may be time to start thinking of it as depression.
Go easy on yourself

[granite1]

rain i'm not sure how emdr works but if you are having delayed reactions to it and feeling so bad it must be so hard not to be able to e-mail your T but i would call her .she said you could.it is a long time to sit with these feelings i bet she would be ok with you calling if you are feeling so sad as a reaction to emdrplease give it a try.it might help.i think you should talk to her about her calling policy and how often you could call get good boundries and then maybe you would feel safe with calling and maybe it will be able to help with these hard feelings.take care of you

Originally Posted by rainbow8

How do I know if this "blah" feeling is normal or depression?

That's a good question, rainbow....

You have said before that you are "addicted" the the highs/lows of therapy and the therapeutic relationship... I wonder if things are balancing out? You said you talked in your e-mail about your kids and grandkids and mother...maybe you are focusing more on your day-to-day (non-therapy) life and it just feels "different"?

Sometimes when I feel different, it's hard for me to pin down what it is.

I think when we are used to big ups and big downs that being in the "middle" can feel really strange at first. It takes time to adjust to being in a quieter place.

When I was depressed last winter (the first time I've had depression, I think), I couldn't get out of bed, I felt like I was living underwater and that even walking was like trying to drag myself through cement. I didn't care at all about anything I usually like - music, reading, my kids, my friends. It got so bad that I almost couldn't function and spent a LOT of my time crying. Finally, I went to the doctor because I thought I might be sick and had a bunch of bloodwork done - i was fine, but depressed. I started Wellbutrin and almost immediately felt better.

So. Those are my experiences with "normal" and "depressed". Hang in there

[ECHOES]

I think it's curious, considering all that has gone on about the email situtation recently, that you are angry at the buzzers... and she controls the buzzers. Is it possible you are re-directing some anger?

[SpiritRunner]

It could be that you are still processing...I don't understand EMDR that well, obviously, but if there are delayed reactions, that could be. It could also maybe be your mind stepping back a bit from the intensity, a sort of a resting place, as it were?

[rainbow8]

Thanks for the responses.

sugahorse, I probably AM still processing stuff from the session.

granite, I did email my T a whole page, and I know I can call if I want to. I feel a little better so I'm not going to call, but it's nice to know I can. She says she tells everyone after an EMDR session that they can call her.

tree, that makes a lot of sense about the highs and lows, and maybe being in the middle now. I know my T is not what I want her to be, and I'm starting to accept that. I'm "low to middling" right now I think. Quieter about therapy, but more upset about my real life.

poetgirl, I'm probably still processing. I feel sad about my life--getting older, the way life is.

ECHOES, that could be true, though I'm more disappointed with my T than angry. Maybe both. I'm angry about something in the past.

(((((rain))))))

it sounds like you are feeling feelings you may not have allowed yourself to feel until now, so they seem unfamiliar and confusing and not terribly pleasant. it's almost like you are waking up from a long slumber. i think you're doing great work. right now it sounds to me like normal grieving you probably need to do.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks for the responses.

sugahorse, I probably AM still processing stuff from the session.

granite, I did email my T a whole page, and I know I can call if I want to. I feel a little better so I'm not going to call, but it's nice to know I can. She says she tells everyone after an EMDR session that they can call her.

tree, that makes a lot of sense about the highs and lows, and maybe being in the middle now. I know my T is not what I want her to be, and I'm starting to accept that. I'm "low to middling" right now I think. Quieter about therapy, but more upset about my real life.

poetgirl, I'm probably still processing. I feel sad about my life--getting older, the way life is.

ECHOES, that could be true, though I'm more disappointed with my T than angry. Maybe both. I'm angry about something in the past.

You know, if you're quieter about therapy - maybe some of your issue with attachment to therapy is resolving? And maybe that's making space for the feelings about RL to come out more? That would be a different feeling for you, I think....and maybe, though not comfortable, will end up helping you deal with RL issues better? I don't know....I won't be bothered if you tell me I'm off base!

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I think it's curious, considering all that has gone on about the email situtation recently, that you are angry at the buzzers... and she controls the buzzers. Is it possible you are re-directing some anger?

Rainbow Hugs to you. I am sorry that you are feeling so blah. I understand the feeling of being detatched and distant. Could Echoes be on to something here? Maybe that is worth thinking about a little. When I get really angry at t then it just turns to disappointment and that blah feeling.

I also liked what Tree said about the high/low t relationship. And if I could figure out how to multiquote I would use it! When those intense feelings are tamed down and the anticipation of email responses are gone it can feel really different. And not in a good way. I know for me I either feel big or I don't feel much at all. I hope you can soothe yourself because trying to tolerate the blah is not fun at all.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by bloom3

it sounds like you are feeling feelings you may not have allowed yourself to feel until now, so they seem unfamiliar and confusing and not terribly pleasant. it's almost like you are waking up from a long slumber.

Lately, I have been feeling this way too.

[jazzy123456]

sorry about how your feeling rainbow...its hard to tell if its "tired" or "depressed" from so litttle information but, i sure hope all of this gets better for you.
i've dealt with that too...wondering if I was tired cuz i was depressed.? yep

[rainbow8]

bloom: thank you. I hope you're right. It's almost a year that I've been seeing my new T and I thought I'd be farther along than I am. I dug right into these issues when I began with her, before I was attached, and here I still am.

poet: you're not off base. I'm not sure what I'm feeling exactly. I always have trouble pinpointing my feelings.

Kacey: I still feel blah. I don't know if I'm angry with my T or just disappointed about what the buzzers and the email situation represent--that, like tree posted in her thread, I need to look at the moon, not the finger (Ts finger) pointing at the moon.

wowy: I still feel like I'm sleeping, though. Some is physical; I have pain that hasn't gone away and I probably should call the dr. again. I haven't exercised in 6 weeks, per his orders, but it still hurts.

jazzy: thanks. I think I'm mildly depressed AND tired.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

wowy: I still feel like I'm sleeping, though. Some is physical; I have pain that hasn't gone away and I probably should call the dr. again. I haven't exercised in 6 weeks, per his orders, but it still hurts.

jazzy: thanks. I think I'm mildly depressed AND tired.

((((Rainbow)))))) This ^ alone can make one feel mildly depressed. Please do go back to your doctor to sort it out so you have fewer things to be unhappy with.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Oceanwave. I'll see what this week brings. I'm not in constant pain and it may be a muscle thing or sciatica. It hurts to bend and to sit for a long time, but it's better than a few months ago. I can't stand up all the time, LOL! Sorry if TMI. I'm embarrassed to go back to my dr. about this.

My feelings are still confusing. I don't know if I'm angry with my T or not. I have too much to talk about for one session!

[sunrise]

Rainbow, I remember feeling "foggy" after my EMDR sessions. My brain seemed to be trying to get its balance. I think I did a lot of intense processing for several days after EMDR. So try to be accepting of your brain and what it is going through. It is probably doing some hard work and reorganizing some of its pathways.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

that you are angry at the buzzers... and she controls the buzzers

Rainbow, if you think that might be it, you could ask your T if you could control the buzzers. My T always let me control the buzzers because he said I needed to adjust them to the intensity and speed that felt right to me. I don't know if that applies to the set-up your T has for EMDR or not. I know every T does it a bit differently.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm feeling more resigned but sad about my life, a little depressed.... How do I know if this "blah" feeling is normal or depression?

I'm sorry you are sad. Sadness is hard. I hope you can discuss your sadness next time with your T. Whenever I share my sadness with my T, I get a lot of benefit. I don't know if you are depressed or not. My experience of major depression was similar to what Tree described--very non-functional, crying all the time, hardly able to do anything, sleep disrupted. Everyone reacts in their own way, though. Some people feel sad for months. Others feel numb. Some feel angry. If you keep feeling down for more than a few weeks, you might tell your doctor or T or someone....

[rainbow8]

Thanks, sunrise. I don't feel so foggy now, but I feel frustrated that I still have so many yukky feelings about so much. I thought EMDR was supposed to change the negative feeling about myself, but it didn't. I don't understand how it is supposed to work.

I think T needs to control the buzzers to determine when to turn them on and off. Also, it's not that I don't want her to be in control. It's not about her controlling them. It's about my wanting to connect with her or others and the buzzers are in the way.

My session is tomorrow. I feel like I'm tossing and turning--don't know what's important, what's not. I want to connect with her but know I have to look at the "moon" with her when I'd rather be walking and talking by the lake! I don't know why I'm always so unhappy. I don't know!! I have to talk about feeling like a failure but I won't do EMDR tomorrow. I just need to talk to her, to "have a conversation" like she said we were doing 2 weeks ago.

I miss talking to her because of the EMDR but it gets me somewhere. I just don't know what I want. I just miss T so much now, and what if tomorrow gets cancelled?

[sugahorse1]

Rainbow - I really hope these negative feelings lift shortly, and that your next session is one where you can really get to connect with your T.

[rainbow8]

sugahorse: thank you! I have my session in about 3 1/2 hrs. I have too much to talk about, but wish I could just curl up on her couch and cry. I don't want to talk, just connect with her. I doubt that she will hold my hand for 1 1/2 hours.

The negative feelings are about me and my life, so I have to talk about them today. I can't see T more than once a week but I wish I could.

[Sweetlove]

Rainbow, I think you should go in and tell her exactly what you just said "I have too much to talk about, but I wish I could just curl up on your couch and cry". I have a feeling this could start the conversation in a way that would be gentle and let her know how much you need that connection today. Just a thought, hope it goes well!

[sugahorse1]

I hope the session went well!