[PTSDlovemycats]

I was with T yesterday and we were talking about some difficult stuff, I became triggered and said my famous line "I feel like I am going to puke" (I say this almost everytime i see her, so she is used to it) she said "no you're not, you will be fine." I asked her if she would be mad if i puked and she said "Yes i would, I would be very mad and I would never bring you here ever again. Forget that.

A few minutes later I said that I had to pee and I would be right back. Her response was "Ok I am coming with you and I am going to listen" I told her "No, please don't" but she came anyway. As i was sitting in the stall trying to pee I couldn't figure out why she was in there. I could see her feet and being as that I have a very shy bladder I wasn't able to pee. I asked her if she could atleast turn on the water for me and she said "No, that will only muffle the sound" So I eventually gave up on peeing and washed my hands with her watching me the whole time.

When we left i figured out why she had followed me. I asked her if she followed me in there because she thought that I was going to make myself throw up and she said "Yes, that is exactly what I thought you were going to do." I didn't respond with anything.

Now I am kicking myself for not asking her all the questions that I have now, Why did you think that I was going to make myself puke? Do you not trust me? Why did you choose now to follow me? Why is it then when I say I feel like puking during session and then get up to go to the washroom you never follow me? Do you follow other people to the washroom or just me? Why don't you trust me? What would you have said or done if I had made myself puke?

Any responses or replies would be appreciated. Thanks.

[with or without you]

Do you have a history of bulimia?

(((((((((PTSD)))))))))

Were you in her office or somewhere else? Do you have some kind of safety agreement about eating d/o behaviors?

[zooropa]

I get that "I'm going to puke" feeling when I dissociate, too.

[PTSDlovemycats]

With or without you- technically no, not Bulimia. She says that I have Disordered eating.

Treehouse- we weren't in her office. We were in a grocery store that had a little eatery inside. No we don't have any safetly agreement about eating d/o behaviours.

Zooropa- I always get that feeling when I am triggered and want to either puke or SI.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Another question..Do you guys think that she did the right thing by following me??

I think it's odd that she would be "mad" if you puked. I OFTEN feel like I'm going to throw up in therapy, and I ask T what will happen if I do, and he says it will be okay. I only had to actually leave his office once to go to the bathroom when I felt like that. He didn't follow me.

It's so hard to say from the outside if she did the "right" thing. How do YOU feel about it?

[googley]

Were you working on your disordered eating? Had you eaten something at the cafe? If this is the case then I think it was appropriate for her to follow you into the bathroom. She wanted to make sure you were not using bad coping skills. That is my take on the situation.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Thanks Treehouse. The strange thing is that i had a dream a few months ago that i was in a washroom making myself puke and when i turned around there was the psychologist (who i don't see) standing there with her hands on her hips and was yelling at me for doing that. I told my psychiatrist that dream and she said that she thought that the psychologist represented her (my psychiatrist) in some way. I asked her if she would do the same thing and she said "No, I would sit there with you and try to comfort you" that was only a few months ago. So for her to say yesterday that she would be mad at me if puked and then follow me into the washroom...I don't know. She knows that I make myself puke. What happened to her wanting to comfort me?? I don't know, I am at a loss. I asked her to call me tonight but she hasn't yet...

[PTSDlovemycats]

Googley, we weren't working on disordered eating at the time. I think we were talking about the voices. I'm actually not sure. Whatever it was it was triggering for me. And yes we had just finished eating.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I am not sure why I am feeling so bothered by this..I am still waiting for her to return my call..

[PTSDlovemycats]

Well my Psychiatrist phoned me tonight at 11pm and I completely forgot all the questions that I had for her! UNBELIEVABLE! We still had a good talk though about how I have been sleeping too much during the day and that she doesn't really wanting me taking my sleep meds anymore but she said that I could take 2 of them again like i did last nite as last nite was very triggering for me.

As I stopped for coffee on my way home last and went inside the coffee shop I saw the guy who raped me 7yrs ago sitting inside drinking coffee! So last nite and when I got home I called my psychiatrist and she had to keep saying "what? what was that? I can't understand you" Clearly I was upset. So she was really good and helped me get through it and talked about how I am safe now and I am in my own home and that he can't hurt me anymore. We did a bit if visualization and then said that she had to get going as it was almost midnight and she needed to get some sleep and she told me that I could take 2 of my sleep meds last nite. -But she made it quite clear to ONLY TAKE 2 anymore than that then I will be in trouble. I asked if I would be in trouble from her and she said no. Your body will be in trouble and you will end up in hospital again and then we will keep going round and round until I learn how to take care of myself and learn to believe in myself. So she wished me a goodnight with sweet dreams and told me to keep myself safe. She told me that again toniht. ONLY TAKE 2! So I did as I was told. I just wish that things would start to improve faster. It has been such a long journey and it is exhausting,

Again, any comments or suggestions are always appreciated.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I think I am needing more support on here then I initially realised so anything right now from anyone would be great. And i do know that it is quite late right now for most people so please when you read this in the morning. Please feel free to drop a line, Ouch I really don't like feeling this needy, I am usually preferably on the other side offering support...

[darkrunner]

Good job for only taking the 2 and doing as you were told!

I understand the frustration of wanting to get better faster. It is so hard to wait when we feel so crappy! Therapy is such a S L O W process and sometimes it feels like it isn't helping at all!

It sounds like you have a good therapist who cares about you.

Question about the vomiting, does your T believe you are honest with her? I mean, if you had vomited, would you have told her the truth? Because I just wonder, if she had heard you throwing up when she followed you, what would she have done? Really there isn't anything she could have done to intervene, so maybe she just wanted to know if you did or didn't.

[elliemay]

It just sounds like a lot of really horrible things happened yesterday. It's no wonder that you are upset and feeling really unstable.

Good for you for reaching out for help, whether it be here, with therapist or psychiatrist. Even though there isn't necessarily the amount of help that you might like around, it's important that you keep reaching out for it. Know that your therapist is sitting with you through the pain, even though they may not be physically present with you.

Regarding the following you to the restroom and the pills. Sometimes I think therapy is about comfort, and sometimes I think it is the therapist's job to monitor bad coping skills and become active in stopping those behaviours - especially is the therapist has concerns regarding your physical health.

FWIW, if I were sitting at lunch with one of my friends who had just said she was going to puke, and I knew she had a history of disordered eating, I would follow her to the bathroom too. She might get mad, but sometimes the greatest way to show that you care is to not sit passively by and let a person hurt themselves.

I'm so sorry that you saw the person that raped you in a coffee shop of all places. So very sorry. Predators like that should be locked up and kept away from anyone. Not sitting in a coffee shop.

[pachyderm]

((((PTSD))))

[SpiritRunner]

I'm so sorry things have been so hard recently. I know it would be hard/upsetting to have your T follow you to the bathroom (and I'd have a hard time going too if someone were there listening) but I think she simply wanted to ensure you were remaining safe and I think she cares about you, too.
I'm very very sorry you saw that guy, too......it's no wonder you are feeling hurt and sad and in need of support. It's OK to ask for support; I know it feels more comfortable to give it than ask for it (I feel better giving than asking too!) but when you need it, you need it, and it's OK to ask. We are here for you, too!

[granite1]

immjust find it strange and i wouldnt be able to go either if my T followed me either.was your intention to puke?i would def bring it up next session.untill then Big hugs

[lastyearisblank]

Hi ptsd just wanna chime in here and say what an unbelieveably stressful day that must have been. You showed a lot of clear mindedness and restraint. Hope you're feeling better now & sending you tons of hugs....

[googley]

((((((((((((Cats)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you ran into your rapist. I can only imagine how triggering that would be. I'm glad that you were able to talk to your pdoc and take the right amount of medicine. That shows a lot of strength. It is good self care.

As to the situation at the cafe, I do think your T was following you to make sure you did not puke. When she said that she would be mad, (at least from what you say here) she did not say who she would be mad at. My guess is that in saying that she would not bring you back to this cafe, she would be mad at herself for bringing you to a place and talking about issues that caused you to use bad coping mechanisms. That she did not judge your level of stability accurately. She also may have followed you hoping that the social pressure of her being there would keep you from doing anything (even though there would have been nothing she could have done to stop it.) I also think your statement right before hand of feeling like you were going to puke made her feel like that might be what you were going to do.

That is so much going on. Hugs for you.

[ladyjrnlist]

I hope this works out. Make sure you ask you T all the questions you have. It's your right to get the answers you seek. Hugs.

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Thanks Treehouse. The strange thing is that i had a dream a few months ago that i was in a washroom making myself puke and when i turned around there was the psychologist (who i don't see) standing there with her hands on her hips and was yelling at me for doing that. I told my psychiatrist that dream and she said that she thought that the psychologist represented her (my psychiatrist) in some way. I asked her if she would do the same thing and she said "No, I would sit there with you and try to comfort you" that was only a few months ago. So for her to say yesterday that she would be mad at me if puked and then follow me into the washroom...I don't know. She knows that I make myself puke. What happened to her wanting to comfort me?? I don't know, I am at a loss. I asked her to call me tonight but she hasn't yet...

Can you see how getting comfort from your therapist while puking could/would reinforce that behavior? I know if i thought a behavior of mine would result in comforting from my T, I would probably want to do it all the time. I don't think she should have followed you into the bathroom though. That can also be reinforcing. Both positive and negative reinforcers. It's better (imo, of course) to not do anything. You are the one responsible for your own behaviors. Do you want to stop the behavior? Why not focus on what causes it, the triggers, and what you can do to help yourself NOT do it?

Another thought: Did you tell her you wanted to puke to see if she would really comfort you like she said?

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

Can you see how getting comfort from your therapist while puking could/would reinforce that behavior? I know if i thought a behavior of mine would result in comforting from my T, I would probably want to do it all the time. I don't think she should have followed you into the bathroom though. That can also be reinforcing. Both positive and negative reinforcers. It's better (imo, of course) to not do anything. You are the one responsible for your own behaviors. Do you want to stop the behavior? Why not focus on what causes it, the triggers, and what you can do to help yourself NOT do it?

Another thought: Did you tell her you wanted to puke to see if she would really comfort you like she said?

I agree, I thought it very strange behaviour by a therapist.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Darkrunner-Thanks. Yes i would have told her the truth

Granite1 - Thanks. My intention was to pee not to puke

Googley- Thanks. You have an interesting perspective on this and reminded me of something that she told me before. She used to be incharge of the Eating Disorder Inpatient Clinic in the hospital and she said although it bothered her that people were making themselves throw up, she would never ever get mad at them. So I think that you might be right. Maybe she would have been mad at herself not me.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Tayquincy and Melbadaze- Thank you, I understand what you are saying but it was only a dream and I think that she was just trying to make me feel better by saying that,

Melbadaze- No that is not why I told her why I wanted to puke. I said that because that is always my automatic comment that comes out when I am triggered because I can't deal with certain emotions and my psychiatrist knows this. When I went to the bathroom I wasn't even thinking about that anymore, I was there to simply pee.