[googley]

Does this happen to anyone? There is one topic that I have a really hard time talking about. Every time I try to talk about it I freeze up. Last session it took me 20 minutes to be able to say something about it. After I talk about it the anxiety isn't as bad. But the next time it comes up it is really hard to talk about again.

My T said that I should know the next time I talk about it that the topic isn't new that she already knows something about it. I feel so bad about sitting there not being able to talk about it. I told her I couldn't promise that I would be able to talk about it any easier next time. This makes it so hard because so much of the session gets used up with me just sitting there. And I'm the one who is bringing it up, so it isn't like my T is trying to push a topic on me.

Does anyone have a problem with talking about something that you can't talk about every time it comes up?

Originally Posted by googley

Does anyone have a problem with talking about something that you can't talk about every time it comes up?

YES, big time. After I struggled to get the story of my CSA out bit by bit by bit over months and months and months, I STILL can't talk about it when it comes up for whatever reason. I just can not do it. I might squeak out "the little kid stuff" when it needs to be mentioned, but usually I can't even do that.

I think it's a PTSD thing, really. Avoiding a subject is a big symptom of PTSD, I think. And until we fully work through it, that symptom is still there.

There are other things that I couldn't talk about before that I *can* talk about now, so I know it can get better, eventually. I guess some things take longer than others.

I think it's AWESOME, googley, that you are talking about it, even in bits and pieces. I know it's scary and hard and painful, but it really is how we heal. Good for you

[granite1]

sure do

[MoAnamCara]

yes, and its frustrating as anything to me. i get a physical reaction and i shut down. frustrating, like i said. i want to deal and heal and be done (sounds easy - eh!).

youre definitely not alone.

good luck, take care.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by googley

Does anyone have a problem with talking about something that you can't talk about every time it comes up?

Hoo boy, do I! When I am able to talk about things, it is coded: I call my abuser "him," my flashbacks "the thing where it feels like it's happening," dissociation "the thing where I'm gone," the abuse "what he did," and so on. I feel a little victory when I call things by the proper name or get a little more specific.

But we need to give ourselves a break--naming things is scary. Naming things makes them real. Talking about them makes them real(er), which is understandably terrifying. As Tree says, I find it helps to view this as a PTSD symptom (avoidance).

A lot of times these days I start my conversations using these codes, and then I get tired of it. For example, this week I had this conversation with T:
Me: "I had a night thing where it feels real."
T: "Tell me about the thing.
Me: "Well, I had a weird dream and when I woke up this sound scared me and I had the thing where it felt like he was there....oh, jeez, who cares what I say! I had a nightmare and it scared me and then I had a flashback."
T: "Do you want to tell me about the nightmare and the flashback?"

Once I'd talked around it, it was easier to talk about it, if that makes sense.

Originally Posted by skeksi

T:
Me: "I had a night thing where it feels real."
T: "Tell me about the thing.
Me: "Well, I had a weird dream and when I woke up this sound scared me and I had the thing where it felt like he was there....oh, jeez, who cares what I say! I had a nightmare and it scared me and then I had a flashback."
T: "Do you want to tell me about the nightmare and the flashback?"

Once I'd talked around it, it was easier to talk about it, if that makes sense.

Wow, this sounds so familiar.

I pretty much only talk in codes too. "the little kid stuff", "the thing that happened with [the minister]", "the yucky feelings" (body memories). It's amazing T has any idea what I'm even saying half the time.

I WANT to learn to use the real words, actually. I don't want to be scared by WORDS. But I'm just not there yet.

[Melbadaze]

googly, I dont know how your T can direct you like? How does she know how long or what reasons make it hard for you too talk? Of course things are difficult to talk about, because each time we do we are coming from a different level of understanding so it does feel new to that level..

[PTSDlovemycats]

I agree with Treehouse's first reply. Hope things improve!
Also I posted a few more things on the post that i started in the forum and was hoping for a bit more of your insight. Thanks Sweetie. Take Care,

[Can't Stop Crying]

Same for me...something about saying it out loud makes me lose my vocabulary. For a while, I wrote things down and brought them to session. T would read (out loud) and that would get it started.

He wanted me to start reading what I wrote to him. I have never been able to do that, but I am making progress on actually talking and only resort to writing when it's a really, really tough topic...

[SpiritRunner]

I very much relate! I can talk and talk about things that aren't as scary, as close to my core issues/wounds, but when some things arise or T asks me certain things, I feel the flow of words turn to a trickle.....this is one reason she asks me to journal, because I find it easier to write things I can't say. Even then, some things are still too hard to imagine writing, either......but with time and gentleness, I think they are beginning to come.....
It's frustrating to me to lose my words......and frustrating to have my emotions/feelings take my words from me......and frustrating that that the feelings have that much power. But I'm trying to be patient with myself.....
I'm glad that my T is patient!

[googley]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who has trouble talking about stuff. I know my T just wants it to be easier for me to talk about. But sometimes it is so hard and it is like it is paralyzing. Trying to figure out the right thing to say and then getting it out is so hard.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

[sittingatwatersedge]

hi Googley,
once a huge subject came up and my T referred to it very casually lateron and it was very upsetting for me.
Since then she will not do that, she will wait the months or longer that it takes me to come around to it again; she says I will know when that time is to be; and yes it seems a little easier each time because I know she knows, I don't have to go over ALL the old ground. I am more free to talk about some one angle of it only.

Therapy is hard; you are doing good work, hard work.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

It's frustrating to me to lose my words......

and frustrating to have my emotions/feelings take my words from me......and frustrating that that the feelings have that much power.

This seems really important - words vs. feelings. It seems that as the emotions rise the words decrease.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by googley

My T said that I should know the next time I talk about it that the topic isn't new that she already knows something about it.

Hi Googley,

Does this make it feel like she is expecting more than you are capable of? The "you should" might make me feel angry. I think I would be prompted to say, "what is this you should? You don't know how I feel. You don't know how hard it is for me to talk about this."

(I'm not so good with shoulds, I pummel myself with enough of them already... )

[rainbow8]

Me too, googley. In past therapies, I used to sometimes waste entire sessions wanting to say something that I couldn't say. It still happens. A few months ago, I started a sentence and then stopped. I don't know how many times I started that sentence but I finally finished it. I still have to talk about it and I think it will be just as hard. I know this sounds like it's not helpful, but I think you just have to jump in, knowing you aren't going to die, and your T will help you. I know!!! Much easier said than done. The words just don't come out!

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by googley

Trying to figure out the right thing to say..... is so hard.

(((googley))) It doesn't have to be the right thing to say.... does it? That sounds like a lot of pressue you are putting on yourself. However it comes out is fine

To answer the question of your post, yes I often struggle with starting something and then freezing up. We try to explore it and I'm getting better at it, but it's hard. Sometimes I have to find those little critters inside my head that are saying "Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!..." and tell them "No, YOU shut up!"

Sometimes I get there in stages. I say I want to talk about "X" then get one or two things about "X" out, and we keep going until it finally starts to resemble what I wished I could just waltz right in, sit right down, and open right up and say.

[googley]

Originally Posted by Elana05

Hi Googley,

Does this make it feel like she is expecting more than you are capable of? The "you should" might make me feel angry. I think I would be prompted to say, "what is this you should? You don't know how I feel. You don't know how hard it is for me to talk about this."

(I'm not so good with shoulds, I pummel myself with enough of them already... )

I don't know if she used the word 'should' or if that was me putting that in there. I know she wants me to feel comfortable to talk about it and feel safe. I think she was trying to find a way to make it easier for me to open up next time I want to talk about it. Pointing out that it isn't a new topic next time I bring it up because we have talked about it before. I know that I wish that I could talk about it easier.

Echos-
i always feel like I have to say the right thing. If I don't say the right thing then it could be misinterpreted incorrectly. I think this came from a mix of two things 1) when I was younger I used to use the wrong words (like a word that would sound like the word I wanted, but not be the word.) and 2) (not so much any more, but really big when I started T) was fear that if I said the wrong thing in T I would get sent to the hospital.

We have talked about it needing to be the right thing a little bit, but I haven't told her how hard it is and my need to have it be the right thing. Sometimes it feels like I have to pick the 'right' topic. If I don't pick the right one then I'll waste my time. So it can take me a while sometimes to pick something. Though this is definitely different than not being able to talk about something that I want to talk about because of fear.

[ECHOES]

googley, I do really understand the fear. I have said mine out loud a number of times, but they still lurk. In the middle of a decent session last week, I blurted out "You must think that the things I talk about are idiotic!" It just came out, and surprised me and scared me. I think it was in response to a look that I interpretted/projected onto.

I get the worry about wasting time too. Nothing feels more awful than to feel like a session dwindled away without it going where we wished it to go. It makes sense to want to avoid that

[googley]

My T did say one day, when I asked her what if I picked the wrong thing to talk about, that there was no wrong thing in T. That helped me be able to pick what to talk that day since there were so many different things in my head. I couldn't figure out what would be the 'right' one to pick. She told me it was okay. But I still worry sometimes.

[WePow]

Googley, I tend to email my T and say "Please make me talk about this" ...
of course I try to get out of it but he will not allow me to do so :-)

Your T is on your side. Once that kinda hits home, it makes it easier to say what you NEED to say. Big hugs for you!!!

[googley]

Originally Posted by WePow

Googley, I tend to email my T and say "Please make me talk about this" ...
of course I try to get out of it but he will not allow me to do so :-)

Your T is on your side. Once that kinda hits home, it makes it easier to say what you NEED to say. Big hugs for you!!!

I can't email my T because she doesn't use it. Plus we only talk about things in session unless it is an emergency.

The only thing is that my T wont force an issue. If I don't bring it up, she wont force me to talk about it, even if I have asked her to. It is just part of her style.

I do know that she is on my side. It is still hard to talk about this stuff. Every time there is so much fear.