Group T tonight....

Feeling a bit nervous about group T tonight....The last couple weeks have been a bit rough in group for me.

Last week, I was somewhat chastized for interrupting a conversation between two people, which is ok, I guess. I acknowledged it, owned it and learned the reason for it. I feel a bit embarrassed by it, but that's ok too.

But my real issue is that a couple weeks ago, I shut down in group because I was triggered by something someone said about crossing boundaries and T was blocking the door with his seat, and I was having a hard time with feeling trapped. When I finally spoke about it, I asked T to move away from the door (after he suggested that I do that), and it was ok.

I posted more about it on the blog, explaining that when I walk into a room, I try not to sit with my back to a door or window and don't like people blocking doors. I didn't want to draw attention to it during the session because we had 2 newbies, and I didn't want to take away from that.

Well, last week, one group member started off the session by bringing up the door issue. He related a story about how his son got sick after eating a certain food and now every time his wife sees that food, she gets sick to her stomach...and acted like it was just one of those things. No big deal.

At the time, I felt as though he was just trying to help me feel less embarrassed....but subconsciously, I believe I felt minimized...and let the issue go. T was in front of the door again, and I didn't ask him to move this time. I just ignored it, trying to know that I was not in danger.

Well, the other group T raised the door issue in this past week's blog, and I haven't addressed it. I'm angry that he raised it again - he said that he feels as though it's unfinished.

After much thought, it is unfinished. I don't usually talk about trauma in group...and because of that one group member's comment, and the fact that no one else contributed, and that the topic shifted to something else so quickly, that it was not important enough for anyone to stay with it long enough for me. So, yes, I felt minimized.

I'm not sure how to address it tonight. Maybe just expressing how I have a very difficult time talking about certain things...and that I need people to be interested and to help me talk and work through it....and I don't feel that I have that right now in this group.

But then, I'd feel as though I'm trying to make it all about me. YUCK. I don't know. I'd rather just work through it during individual T....but I know that T would want me to try to work through some things in group....Feeling torn right now.

UGH.

(((((MUE))))))

What you describe about the door sounds like a PTSD response.
I have that as well and physically can't handle doorways blocked that way.
I talked with my T about it and he is the same way due to his PTSD.
He told me it was very normal for people with PTSD to have the door issue.
And it is fair for us to do what we need to do to stay safe internally.

I do like how you are trying to work through it though. Way cool.
Maybe the others in the group don't realize how strong the sensations are inside of you when you are in a situation with the exit being blocked?
I suspect that unless someone has PTSD, they can logically understand what your response may be, but they don't have a clue as to the level of panic inside our bodies and minds that accompanies the situation.

You may want to research on line and find a good link to share with the group that shows what you are feeling?

Absolutely I understand about the door thing. They are literally and figuratively the escape.

In fact, I much much prefer rooms with two doors, and I will go so far as to say I have turned down apts, houses because the bedroom had only one door. That feeling of being trapped is just awful.

Yeah, others may not understand, but to be honest, I don't understand how people can not feel that way.

I don't know if I will ever shake it. It's just something I've come to know and accept about myself.

At least you *know* blocked doors are one of your triggers, and that is a good good thing.

One funny thing, one of my brothers is in law enforcement. It is hilarious when we get together. We usually end up sitting practically on top of each other to stake our claim to the most defensive position in the room. We've actually had to turn tables around in restaurants, or end up waiting for a particular table to open up.

Sometimes it's about keeping the fun in dysfunction you know?

I have to sit with my back to walls and I always have to sit on the ends of rows to make an escape if I need to. Dunno what that means for me. I hope you get it sorted out.

((((((((((MUE))))))))))

I hope you bring it up so that the other guy knows this is more than a "little" thing for you. It is something important to you. I totally understand. I had a small office at work and my boss came in one day and sat between me and the door. I had a panic attack the whole time he was there (so much for getting work done.) So I too understand the blocked door situation. I hope you stand up for what you need. I think the new T is trying to give you the room to talk about what you need. The interest that you said in your post that you need to have time to talk about your issues. He may have sensed that you had not said everything you wanted to say about it and so is giving you this opportunity to do so.

((( MUE )))

I wish I could contribute something helpful but I have never done group and can't see myself doing it, either. As I read your post I kept thinking, oh, then I would do this. (read read) Oh I would do this instead!! etc etc

I think you are very brave to keep it up, this all sounds SO hard to me. I hope that things resolve peacefully for you (if that's what it's supposed to be like) here

MUE, I sense that you want 2 things at the same time here - you want people to focus on your issues but then you don't want people to focus on your issues? And that you are doing more things that say "let's not focus on my issues"?

Thanks, everyone....

It's nice to know that I am not so alone.

I'm not sure what I want. In evaluating it further...in group, I tend to take a safe position. I try to give valuable feedback, share when it comes to relatedness, etc....and I tend to steer clear of working on my own issues. I've learned a lot about myself and my relationships with others through this group, but it's not a place where I've worked through my "issues". It just feels so so so scary to me....

SO...when I do dip a toe into the waters, it seems that I find any reason to make it feel unsafe again....In this instance, it was almost unavoidable. I was triggered in the room, and unless I lied about it, I shared what was triggery for me.

I addressed it on the blog in more detail...trying to be open and honest (dipping toe in further)...and the only thing I got back was one person comparing it to his wife and then everyone moved onto another topic. That led me to feeling minimized and the topic not worthy of being addressed since no one seemed to have any feedback or interest. So, I go back to safety.

I now know that I could've brought the topic back up and asked for what I needed. Of course, I didn't realize this at the time.

Now it just feels yucky....It's like a child saying amongst a room full of family members "look at me, mommy! look at me, daddy!"...and the parents just ignoring the child...until the child screams, "LOOK AT ME!!!"....and then the parents stare at the child like, "OK, get on with it, hurry up so we can go back to what we want to do".....except, in this case, it seems like the other group T is saying, "LOOK AT HER!"...and I'm still feeling that yucky "OK, get on with it, hurry up so we can go back to what we want to do" feeling.

It just feels yucky....

Your comparison to the parents is probably autobiographical? This happening in group is probably triggering this up then? I think that you need to examine how your own behavior (not wanting to talk about your issues in group) is contributing to the outcome of your issues not being talked about in group and then you get triggered.

Sannah....Can you clarify what you mean? I'm just having trouble understanding your post.

Just to clarify, too, when I was initially triggered, I did not address it because it was the very first session for two new group members. That's why I waited to address it on the blog in more detail. But I was willing and ready to address it during the next session - and did....and that's when I got the one person's feedback and then crickets.....Not sure if I made that part clear initially.

So you put your needs aside for the needs of the 2 new group members? Crickets?

((Mixedupemotions)) I feel optimistic just reading this post that you can do it.. it feels like you actually getting ready to take a big step... Sometimes just being aware is half the battle..

Yes, during that session a couple weeks ago, I put my needs aside for the 2 new group members. They were talking and the group was working on integrating them into the group...and I didn't want my distress becoming figural at that moment.

...That's why I addressed it later, via the blog, and then in the next week's session....I shared more details....got that one person's feedback...no one else contributed...just silence....and then someone changed the topic and group moved on in another direction.

On the blog after last week's session, I asked the one group member about his comment to me...and wanted to clarify if his intention was to help me feel more comfortable/less embarrassed or if he was attempting to minimize the issue. He responded to other things - and didn't respond to me.

The other thing that bugs me about addressing my stuff in group is that the issue never seems to really get addressed. It starts off with a topic...then people give feedback...then there's secondary feedback about the person giving feedback...and it spins off into more about the relationships in the room rather than the issue. It's how it's supposed to work in a gestalt based group. The focus is about the relationships in the room, and it is not about fixing people's issues. So, why bother, other than to be a conversation-starter...and to see how people react to situations....

Thanks. I'm not so sure. The more I think through this, the more I feel like not even bothering...It'll probably get addressed tonight, and I have no idea what will come out....but that's ok. It's about being in the moment, so we'll see how things go in the moment. LOL

I hope it goes well tonight MUE. It sounds like you are making good use of reflection to decide what to do in a tough situation

So the issues aren't supposed to get worked through in the group - but this is a trigger for you. This is important.

Thanks. I'm trying!

I'm not sure I understand, Sannah. Help?

Your issues don't really get addressed ^ and this is triggering for you. (See below)

I don't feel like I have anything wise to say to you either, since I have never done group therapy......and find the whole thought of being exposed in a room full of people a difficult thing to handle! I totally get the door thing, because I always always want an escape route too.....I always want to sit at the end of rows too so I can just breathe freer!
I do want to offer you support and encouragement though! And I think I agree with what Sannah is saying, too.....I think I see something in what she's mentioned that may be true and an important issue for you. I think you are doing so well, really, in being aware of yourself and your issues and needs.....

Thanks, Poet, for your support and encouragement.

Thanks everyone for that too!!

Sannah, thanks for clarifying!

I'm trying to figure out the purpose of raising things in group and what value it has other than being a conversation starter, I guess. Perhaps the willingness, alone, to be vulnerable with a group of people, is a marker of growth - that I may not be ready for yet. Or, trying to figure out and ask for what I need from the group in order to feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Or, finding the courage to not be so secretive about my trauma, regardless of the feedback I get. And how that knowledge could be applied to my real life. I don't know.

Perhaps I'm spending too much time trying to analyze it....

Aww I think this is a great way to see it, could not agree more! If they get it they get it, if they don't, it's them. It's not you. You can always try again next time.

This is good!

Hi (((((MUE)))))
You have been doing so great with getting through everything right now. I am so proud of you.

I'm going to try to make sense, but I don't know if it will. If it doesn't (or you don't like what I say), feel free to toss it out. Please keep this separate from whether or not you should share, this is more like after you have shared.

My understanding of your group is that it is about the interaction at the time of T and what is going on in the room. So it seems like part of working in this group is making sure that you get what you need from the group. You said that after you share, someone replies, and then often someone replies about the reply and so the topic does not stay on what you have shared. Maybe (after you have shared) part of the skills to learn in the group is how to say (not necessairly in these words), wait a minute, I still need something. I need you to acknowledge what I have shared and give me feedback. This would then be about your interaction with the group. It would give you the attention you seem to need that right now you are not getting. Part of group discussion if you want to get your topic in is knowing how to manipulate the discussion in a way that you don't get run over by others and their needs. (I personally suck at this).

So as I said at the beginning, I don't know if this makes sense to you, or if it resonates, but I had been thinking and so thought I would throw my .02c.

I hope that you have a good session. Take gentle care of yourself. You have been so busy doing things. Remember to take time for yourself.

((((((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))))))

Wishing you lots of luck tonight