Group T tonight....

mixedup_emotions · Feb 15, 2011, 10:05 PM

Thanks, everyone....

Unfortunately, group T was terrible tonight. Just terrible.

I left feeling worse than ever about group.....just soooo yucky. And it wasn't even about me disclosing anything or sharing anything.

It had a lot to do with my frustration about what I raised in this thread...but not being able to get myself to address it...and then with the 2 new group members being women...and them bring up sexual issues....and it just made me feel SO YUCKY....

And the worst part is that these are other clients of T...and it brings up that ugly green monster that tells me how T has all these other intimate relationships with so many other people in the room...and it just makes me feel so small and insignificant....and even though I know better - especially after all the threads I've read here about this very topic - it doesn't help that they are all in one room with me....and talking about intimate stuff...and it's just YUCK...

I hated every minute of the session and don't ever ever ever want to go back. I don't want to see T either. I hate therapy.

mixedup_emotions · 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by googley

Hi (((((MUE)))))
You have been doing so great with getting through everything right now. I am so proud of you.

I'm going to try to make sense, but I don't know if it will. If it doesn't (or you don't like what I say), feel free to toss it out. Please keep this separate from whether or not you should share, this is more like after you have shared.

My understanding of your group is that it is about the interaction at the time of T and what is going on in the room. So it seems like part of working in this group is making sure that you get what you need from the group. You said that after you share, someone replies, and then often someone replies about the reply and so the topic does not stay on what you have shared. Maybe (after you have shared) part of the skills to learn in the group is how to say (not necessairly in these words), wait a minute, I still need something. I need you to acknowledge what I have shared and give me feedback. This would then be about your interaction with the group. It would give you the attention you seem to need that right now you are not getting. Part of group discussion if you want to get your topic in is knowing how to manipulate the discussion in a way that you don't get run over by others and their needs. (I personally suck at this).

So as I said at the beginning, I don't know if this makes sense to you, or if it resonates, but I had been thinking and so thought I would throw my .02c.

I hope that you have a good session. Take gentle care of yourself. You have been so busy doing things. Remember to take time for yourself.

Googley, you are so right on about your description of group T and how it works. But this is the way it's supposed to work....the discussion comes back to what's going on in the room and the value is in the secondary feedback (the feedback of the feedback) - if that makes any sense. So, rarely, does the topic ever stay figural.

I totally get what you're saying, about bringing it back to my needs....but it's so hard for me to do. I shut down so easily....that ball in the pit of my stomach or chest just builds and the words just won't come out....and I'm just screaming inside.....

The same thing basically happened tonight....The situation with the door was addressed, and someone gave me feedback - the guy saying that he was not trying to minimize. I then said that I have a really hard time talking about uncomfortable things, etc....and then the topic switched, just like that....and I shut down....I know the hurdle is for me to not to shut down...but I'm worn. I'm tired, and I hate feeling worse after going to group. It's like nobody cares...and even when I try to speak, nobody hears me or stays with me long enough....and everything just gets so messed up inside me....and it affects my ability to move forward in the session.

I felt totally invisible tonight...and yucky. SO yucky.....about so many different things. All these awful feelings that I'm too fearful to address. I hate it.

Feb 15, 2011, 10:23 PM

(((((((((((MUE))))))))))))

Wow, that sounds SO hard, and like it brought up a LOT of big feelings for you.

I know that "I hate therapy" feeling. Usually, I drag myself to see T, tell him I hate therapy, and we go from there. Because I don't ALWAYS hate it, and it's hard to remember that when it feels so so awful.

Do you HAVE to do group? Do you feel like you are benefiting from it? It sounds so stressful.

Breathe. It won't feel this bad forever.

mixedup_emotions · Feb 15, 2011, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((MUE))))))))))))

Wow, that sounds SO hard, and like it brought up a LOT of big feelings for you.

I know that "I hate therapy" feeling. Usually, I drag myself to see T, tell him I hate therapy, and we go from there. Because I don't ALWAYS hate it, and it's hard to remember that when it feels so so awful.

Do you HAVE to do group? Do you feel like you are benefiting from it? It sounds so stressful.

Breathe. It won't feel this bad forever.

(((( DEEP BREATH....DEEEEEP BREATH ))))

The idea of facing T right now just makes me sick to my stomach - I mean, to the point of vomiting. It's that bad.

But....I won't make any rash decisions right now. I see T on Thursday, and I have until 2 PM tomorrow to cancel.

And no, I don't have to go to group. Although I've learned a lot from being in group, I don't have the confidence in the members of the group or with the type of group that it is, to help me work through my issues. And I'm starting to feel worse going to group than better. So, I'm considering ending it....Of course, I know T. He would say that when I feel the worst about group/therapy is when tough issues are being addressed, and ultimately a lot of growth and learning comes out of it if you stick with it.

But I just find it to be pure torture right now. I mean, seriously, how many can imagine sharing a room with several other clients of YOUR T, sharing intimate details of their lives? I don't want to have to stomach that. I really don't.

Elana05 · Feb 15, 2011, 10:47 PM

(((Hi Mue)))

Could you take a little break and try another group/type of group?
I've been going to Al Anon and find it so comforting. I think part of it is that this type is not a "response" group. You simply speak what's on your mind. I mean, alcohol may not be a central issue for you but I think there are other types of these step or open meetings for other issues. The one I find the best for me is for just women.

SpiritRunner · Feb 15, 2011, 10:52 PM

I'm sorry it was this hard. Yes, I think it's good to just let things be right now and not act in haste.....
But I do think that it's OK to consider whether going to group is really necessary and/or profitable for you at this point.......and I hope you can have good communication with your T about how you're feeling about it right now.

mixedup_emotions · Feb 16, 2011, 12:00 AM

Thanks, Elana & Poet....

I'm going to just rest on it for now...I feel so awful though. So insignificant. So worthless. I know there's more to it than just this group session....and I know it's important to bring up with T. But, YUCK.

Why does it have to be so hard? And I pay for this? ACK.

And I get so angry when I feel this way, because for years and years and years, nothing affected me. I was rock solid and could take whatever was dished out to me....and now, I find myself super super super sensitive...and I HATE IT.

I hate feeling.

Add to that, tomorrow I have an MRI scheduled...and I didn't do well at my last MRI....got totally triggered by being tied down and dissociated...and the next thing I knew, I was being tended to by doctors because I was "unstable"....ACK. And that was even after taking Klonopin....blech.

No rest for the weary....

googley · Feb 16, 2011, 12:32 AM

(((((((((MUE)))))))))

sunrise · Feb 16, 2011, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

T was in front of the door again, and I didn't ask him to move this time.

MUE, this stood out to me so much. Why was your T in front of the door again, when you had explained at the session before (and in the blog) about how you like the door unblocked? This seems kind of a hostile gesture to me.

Do you think he forgot? Did it deliberately? If the latter, why? BTW, I don't think anyone should block the door at a gathering. It's a fire hazard. I'm bugged by your T's action.... Sounds like something my XH would do--sorry.

Feb 16, 2011, 04:15 AM

(((((((((((((((mue))))))))))))))))

so sorry to hear group was such a torturous experience. it does sound like what you are wanting from a group is conflicting with the type of group you are in. while there is value in sticking things out there is also value in knowing when to say "enough" and removing yourself from a situation that has become too burdensome and unsafe for you. you seem to have so very much stress in your life and i do think it may be because you have such a hard time saying no to things and setting boundaries because you want to please others. but what about you? what about mue's safety? you do have to be your own advocate in life. you've done a wonderful job recently with setting boundaries with your ex and i think that will result in much more peace for you. i do think as much stress as you can take off your plate is wise since it is affecting your health so severely. your body is trying so hard to tell you this and i think you have to be mindful of its message. you pressure yourself so much to share about your abuse but before you do that you need to have a modicum of safety and stability. you need a setting where you can feel safe enough to open up. i think your unconscious knows you don't have that with your current group and it doesn't sound like it's even designed for that. maybe if you work first on finding safe places and stabilizing your emotions then you will then be able to open up more. be gentle with yourself mue. we're all just fragile beings.

sittingatwatersedge · Feb 16, 2011, 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunrise

MUE, this stood out to me so much. Why was your T in front of the door again, when you had explained at the session before (and in the blog) about how you like the door unblocked? This seems kind of a hostile gesture to me.

Do you think he forgot? Did it deliberately? If the latter, why? ........ I'm bugged by your T's action....

thank you Sunny, I was wondering about this too... if it wasn't a case of forgetting, it struck me as provocative, which seems odd.

WePow · Feb 16, 2011, 07:15 AM

((((MUE)))))

I am sorry that this is leaving you feeling this way. If it helps at all, my T told me once that he recently (last year) had to leave one of his therapy support groups because it was not healthy for him to stay. At the start, it was a good thing. But dynamics change. And he just had to leave. It was hard for him. But then he found a different group and it was much better for him.

Just wanted to share that with you.

mixedup_emotions · Feb 16, 2011, 07:49 AM

Thanks, everyone....

I feel a little more distant from it this morning, thankfully. I woke up summarizing the situation as - I feel as though I have nothing left to give, and don't have the understanding of what I need, nor do I have the strength to ask for it. So there it is. That's where I am.

Maybe this will change. Maybe not. But for right now, it just is.

As much as I want to cancel seeing T tomorrow, I am going to try not to do that. It feels like it would be too much of a punishment to him and that it would affect our relationship, which has already been too rocky lately. But I don't feel like talking about any of this because it feels too raw and yucky and scary. Hopefully that will change by tomorrow.

As far as my T sitting in front of the door, I have no idea why he did that. I can only assume that either he forgot or it was to give me the opportunity to ask for what I needed. But I don't know for sure.

Just feeling a sense of sad defeat today.

Feb 16, 2011, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

As far as my T sitting in front of the door, I have no idea why he did that. I can only assume that either he forgot or it was to give me the opportunity to ask for what I needed. But I don't know for sure.

But you already DID ask for what you needed, yes? It doesn't feel like something we have to do over and over and over again.

If it's time to move on, it's time to move on. And it's okay. Maybe there is another group, or maybe it's time to take a break from group. You have more than enough stress in your life without the added stress of the group. Maybe you could take a break and return when things in your life calm down a bit?

Lots of hugs to you, MUE

mixedup_emotions · Feb 16, 2011, 08:18 AM

Thanks, Tree...

Yes, I did ask for what I needed. I don't know what to think of it, really. *sigh*

I'm not sure I would consider taking a break from group, because then everyone else will have developed their relationships - and coming back in would be so difficult for me - like I'd be messing up their dynamic and coming in would be disruptive.

For the moment, I'm just sitting with my feelings and will try to get the courage to talk through it with T tomorrow. Maybe that conversation will help pave the way to making a decision. Of course, I know he's biased because he's a strong advocate for group T - and it's his business - so I'm not even sure he's the right person to talk to about it. Then again, he's supposed to be working in the best interest of me during my sessions and not for his business. *sigh*

lastyearisblank · Feb 16, 2011, 08:23 AM

Quote:

not being able to get myself to address it...and then with the 2 new group members being women...and them bring up sexual issues....and it just made me feel SO YUCKY....

No kidding!.

.. No judgment... It just comes off as way too soon..I realize people need support... but to bring up their sexual issues IN THE SECOND MEETING...

I would feel very awkward about opening up after that, as well as kind of like a hypocrite having to give support... Note I have never been in group therapy so I am biased.

deliquesce · Feb 16, 2011, 08:23 AM

MUE, in the past 2 years i've been at PC, i've never seen you say a positive thing about group, but i have read many threads about group which have really angered me on your behalf.

i dont know if this is because you dont post the useful stuff (i mainly come to PC when something is wrong - not when things are going right!) but it does mean i question the value and worth of this particular group for you at this particular time, especially given your T is in a dual relationship being your group leader also and has a vested interest in keeping you in group. for someone who claims he doesn't want to be directive in group, he certainly seems to direct you to continue going...?

Sannah · Feb 16, 2011, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It had a lot to do with my frustration about what I raised in this thread...but not being able to get myself to address it...

and then with the 2 new group members being women...and them bring up sexual issues....and it just made me feel SO YUCKY....

And the worst part is that these are other clients of T...and it brings up that ugly green monster that tells me how T has all these other intimate relationships with so many other people in the room...

and it just makes me feel so small and insignificant.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I totally get what you're saying, about bringing it back to my needs....but it's so hard for me to do. I shut down so easily....that ball in the pit of my stomach or chest just builds and the words just won't come out....and I'm just screaming inside.....

The same thing basically happened tonight....The situation with the door was addressed, and someone gave me feedback - the guy saying that he was not trying to minimize.

I then said that I have a really hard time talking about uncomfortable things, etc....and then the topic switched, just like that....and I shut down....I know the hurdle is for me to not to shut down...

It's like nobody cares...and even when I try to speak, nobody hears me or stays with me long enough....and everything just gets so messed up inside me....and it affects my ability to move forward in the session.

I felt totally invisible tonight...and yucky. SO yucky.....about so many different things. All these awful feelings that I'm too fearful to address.

You get triggered and then you won't raise the issues in your session to work through them.

mixedup_emotions · Feb 16, 2011, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

You get triggered and then you won't raise the issues in your session to work through them.

Yep. That's basically what I'm struggling with.

sunrise · Feb 16, 2011, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

As far as my T sitting in front of the door, I have no idea why he did that. I can only assume that either he forgot or it was to give me the opportunity to ask for what I needed. But I don't know for sure.

My thought when I first read that your T had blocked again was that it was a passive aggressive strike at you because he was still mad about your "abusive" behavior towards him and the aftermath. I know that's reading a lot into it, but it aligns with my impression of your T from all you have written.

MUE, so often when you write about group it is about these blow-ups and problems and how you feel bad and upset about what happened, etc. You seem to spend a lot of time thinking about the bad events of group and dreading going to the next session. It just seems like such a big negative, and not what is helpful to a person under a lot of stress with lots of real life problems, like your XH, to deal with. I have wondered why you go, and what bloom said about wanting to please others made me think that perhaps that explains why you go--to please T? If you quit group, would he be angry at you? It seems like you also spend time in individual therapy going over group events instead of working on your main therapy strand, so it can slow your progress there. I have a bit of distrust for therapists who get their clients to sign up for their groups. Are they just trying to fill their own group instead of directing the client to the most helpful group? Did you and your T ever discuss what sort of group would be most beneficial?

MUE, I am sorry if I raise somewhat negative questions. Often when I read your posts, I feel this unease about your therapy situation.

I want better for you.

mixedup_emotions · Feb 16, 2011, 11:30 PM

Thanks, everyone. I do appreciate the constructive feedback, even if it is hard to hear. I know it comes from a place of caring and concern.

Aside from the group situation, which I'm going to talk to T about in my session tomorrow....I started to wonder if my YUCKY feelings about group was more about my own yucky issues and less about the envy of T and his other clients. I'm not entirely sure, but it seemed to resonate when I put two and two together....the topic in group, alone, was triggery for me because of my ex and the crud that went on with him....and all these feelings got stirred up....perhaps, on the surface, I made it about T and group....but inside, it's about something else.

How do you even know? It's like I'm analyzing it after the fact and can't really tell....*sigh*

Sannah · Feb 17, 2011, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I started to wonder if my YUCKY feelings about group was more about my own yucky issues and less about the envy of T and his other clients.

It would make sense that it is more about you and a trigger.

WePow · Feb 17, 2011, 12:25 PM

MUE - you said "like I'd be messing up their dynamic" I just caught this.
It is like you are always putting the needs of others ahead of your own.

It is OK and even good to first do what you need to do to be healthy.

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