what is so wrong

what is so wrong with me that a T doesn't even want to help or anything i really am not mean i have never yelled at her or anything i never called her names and i have always been respectfully to her .why am i SO horrible

Hi. I am new here so am not completely sure what your situation is with your T, but I wanted to say that I care, and I am so sorry that you are hurting.

UGH! I so get the feeling horrible thing....I so get the pain. I can hear that you are hurting. I am certain that you are NOT horrible, but I understand being there and feeling it as truth.

Has your T actually said that she/he doesn't want to work with you, or is this your interpretation of something that has occurred? I know that I have had several instances where I was SURE that my T hated my guts, but in reality this was just me reading into things in the negative way that I tend to do because of my own feelings about myself. Could this be what is going on?

(((( granite )))))

You are NOT horrible. Please try not to take ownership of your T's stuff. I know it's hard not to interpret what's going on as a reflection of you. I truly hope that this experience yields some rewards for you. Just being able to put that list together of things you need from a T is something good. I know it's hard to feel that right now.

((( HUGS )))

(((((((((Granite)))))))))))

What is going on? Is this about the T you were seeing? That she didn't call you back? Or is this about the new Ts you were looking into?

You are NOT horrible. You ARE WONDERFUL!

Please know that you are really sensitive right now, feeling the way you do and going through this.

When we get overwhelmed we often don't see clearly. Try and tell yourself this, that though you really do feel horrible, you won't always and you may be feeling things are worse than they really are.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Can you share more as to why you're thinking this about your T?

(((((((((Granite ))))))))))))))

It feels like this is just not a good fit with you and that T. That is all. There has to be a fit. BIG hugs to you!!!

Granite, why are you saying these things? I don't think you are being fair to yourself or your T. I read your posts about your session with T and I don't see it at all the way you are seeing it. she sounds like she cares a lot and wants to help you! When you email, she obviously doesn't get them in a timely manner all the time and that makes her realize that these issues go unheard and she is concerned about that! Email is not the main way to communicate in therapy. You have words, you can write them, she is trying to get you to speak them. Why? Because she cares about you! The more you write, the more unlikely it is that you will have the need to speak. I think your T is doing the right thing. Writing is a subsititute for speaking, which is one of the main issues that you are working on with your T. When i read how she acted in session, i did not think it was harsh. I think it's really sad that so many people encourage you to get another T based on your interpretations of what happened, which could be complete misinterpretations. No one else was even there. You are making assumptions and running with them! Did she say you were horrible? Did she say she doesn't want to help? These are assumptions and probably not even close to being true at all.

dear granite, you are not horrible. I don't think your T thinks that either, even if it feels that way and you are hurting.
You are special!

From my interpretation of what granite posted, it feels like to me that this T is not being consistent and patient in dealing with granite......and not communicating herself clearly, either. These are things that are important, things that granite needs. On my part, I meant no condemnation of this T, who I think has tried and does care.....but it simply does not sound like a good fit, and maybe to granite, does not feel like a good fit.

People who are in distress often post about their T sessions with a lot of cognitive distortions. Perhaps granite needs her T to set limits on the emails in order to help granite. What we want and what we need are not always the same thing. It seems like whenever anyone posts in distress about their T session, people want to say it's the T's fault.

i'm not saying it was her fault at all.i know she tried and understand that one person can only do so much to help someone else.believe me i tried also and that she didnt see at all.i really did want to be able to talk to her.right now i am just to scared to even go in her office.it is hard to explain how i am feeling but i cant go back and see her even if she wanted me to,but that bridge is burned now and i am totally ashaimed of the e-mails i sent her.i totally didnt have any idea that i was making her feel like a failure.

it already has i realise i have choices.but right now i just feel awfull and dont know what to do.what am i going to do if no T wants to work with me .i did e-mail one and she hasnt gotten back yet but it is the weekend but i'm scared she wont and i am so scared to call any on the phone but i am working on it but untill then right now i feel like crap.i really dont mean to bother anyone here and i am sorry i just dont know what to do.

thanks JD i know i'm not working well with this T and i;m sure that she has also had enough.i just feel so crapy.i have noT anymore and i am just hating life and i'm scared .i just seem to always be scared.and i'm scared no T is going to want to work with me at all.

i think i have worked it up to the point it is all T

thanks poet i'm feeling like she thinks i'm quite horrible but i dont blame her it just hurts.i guess i was kind of horrible to her with sending her e-mails.i just didnt know how much it had bothered her.i said i was sorry dont know what more i could have said

as has been said already, its hard to tell whats reality and whats someones distorted cognivity...if what you are saying is real then this T isn't fit to practise and you have to make the decision to get out of this relationship..as an adukt you havee that abilty..but if this is a cognivitive distortion that feels real to you at this moment then talking about all this thoughts and feelings with T is what therapy is about.....I find it hard to beleiieve that some therapys Are as awful as what is posted at times...Sorry if this isn't helpful but from what I know from my own therspy I find some of the things said here hard to understand...

It's totally understandable to have those fears of not being able to find another T. But there are many out there, and it's not always simple to find the right one. It's going to take some work, and I'd imagine there will be times you will feel discouraged...but don't lose hope.

(((((Granite)))))

There is nothing wrong with you. Feelings aren't facts - just because you are feeling something, doesn't mean it is true. Just because you feel horrible, doen't mean you are horrible.

Tayquincy, I am so glad you posted what you did. I was thinking the same thing as everyone else - that Granite should find a new T. But you are SO RIGHT to say that we are basing this on one side of the situation, which may not be reality.

Granite, you said:
Maybe working through the fear and the shame is part of your therapy, part of what will help you heal. I've heard so many people here say that working through ruptures has been one of the most healing parts of therapy.

It sounds like it would be incredibly difficult for you, but I really think you should consider going back to see this T, even if it is just one last time. Don't run away from your fears, but face them head on and you may find it very healing and empowering. Trust me, I know it is easier said than done.

warning mention of SU thoughts


thanks dark but going back would serve no perpose.i would not be able to talk to her about it at all.i have been going to her for 1year and 4 months and havnt realy been able to talk to her at all.exsept for a handfull of times.she hasnot been able to help me with this .yes i know this is all in my ball park and my fault and all.but this is a reality not a distortion.i have a hard time talking and it is a major problem and i am at a los with how to work with this T around this.i dont know if how i am feeling is a distortion as some are saying but it is really painfull and feel very real to me and is terrifing.no T shoud scare anyone like she scared me and weather she did it intentionally or not i cant go through another session like that.when i left it was so bad all i wanted to do was smash my car into the first biggest tree i saw.Dark it was awfull and i dont want to feel so bad like that again.

DARK i am sorry that my last post sounded a lot harsher than i realy meant it to be i'm just not good with words either ssometimes and things dont come out rightplease forgive me

i am hoping things will feel more positive if this other T does contact me back.i hope maybe she will tuesday.if not ill try again somehow

I think this came out pretty well if you ask me, and it belongs to your therapist. You stated how you felt very articulately, and indicated what you needed and wanted.

If a T can't help you, then they can't help you. But I gotta say, this post came out really well.

If you can't say this to your T, I understand, but it is something that I think she needs to hear.

Maybe you could do like me and THINK it really really hard. sometimes I think that works too.

Well, actually, no it doesn't. We all do what we do.

Granite...you are not horrible. You're just really, really stuck, and my heart goes out to you. Like I have said before, you deserve to be heard, feel safe and get better. Ugh...Granite has been going thru this with her T for a long time. It's not a one time event...it is bunch of events cumulative to this one point. Whether T is good or bad doesn't matter, what matters is that Granite feels unsafe and unstable and cannot communicate that with this particular T. We have watched the struggle and ached for her. BTW...if it wasn't for finding a T who would accept my weekly email and discuss it at the session, I would have never gotten to a talking place. It took me years to find an expert at helping people who freeze up and cannot express themselves.

Granite..not your responsibility to worry about how T feels, just deal with your feelings right now.

There are a lot of crappy T's...believe me I hit the jackpot on that one. I had one for 2 years who thought all my issues were that I was demon possessed. My inability to talk left me just listening week after week. Feeling more and more dark and evil He actually was trying to schedule an exorcism when I freaked out and finally bailed.

I'm not saying Granite's T is a really crappy one, just that it isn't working for Granite, and it's leading to a lot of stress and anxiety. She can't talk, she needs alternative ways of expressing herself until she gets to the place where she can talk.

I agree with the things you said about cognitive distortions, TayQuincy.....emotions/feelings that people have after their sessions can certainly distort the rational facts of what happened in sessions, cause them to have interpretations/perceptions that aren't necessarily the whole truth of the matter, make them feel upset with their T - and probably their perspective is different than the T's perspective on the same session. So - it's not always the T, no; but then again, sometimes it is! Sometimes people are in distress after their sessions because the T did make a serious mistake, say something that was wrong, use techniques/have reactions that were harsh and harmful, whether intentional or not; sometimes it really is on the T, and not the client!
I have left sessions in terrible pain.....generally, I know it is not my T's fault and I have never posted here claiming any of my distress was my T's fault - nor do I think I have been judging that others' distress is the T's fault, or anyone's fault, really.....it's basically just that the emotion exists, and whatever the reason it exists, the fact is that it exists and I find no sense in assigning fault to myself or to my T (or my husband or my friends...) for my emotions. Not so long ago, I had a situation in my therapy that was not me....it was my T (one week she said one thing in regard to a boundary; the next week she said an entirely different and clearly contrary thing.......now, in that case, I find it reasonable to say that she had some responsibility for the hurtful effect that had on me! It had nothing to do with a cognitive distortion. But I talked to her later and she owned her mistake.....)
So anyway, I'm aware that there can be misperceptions/misunderstandings because of cognitive distortions......and that emotional distress can cause them. And I am aware that we don't have the full story whenever someone posts about their distress from a session or difficulty with their T. And I am aware of the danger of being quick to make judgments based on only half the story.....
But my point is that I am feeling like when there is a consistent pattern of distress that seems to be caused by a T's techniques, techniques that don't seem to be helping and rather seem to be harming, or when there is a pattern of distress that seems to be caused by inconsistency in a T's manner in dealing with someone, that, yes, this is on the T, not on cognitive distortion or emotional over-reactions! And that I have seen this pattern with granite and her T.....

you explained yourself well, granite.....and I am with you that this is not merely distortion, but reality for you! your emotional experience, your fears, are real and valid, and it's understandable that you are scared.......

And you have only been here on this site since December so the pattern you see is based on only a short amount of time. Granite has been working with this T much longer than that. Only granite can decide whether this T is a good fit but just from reading her posts, it is clear to me that she is in emotion mind and basing her decisions on distortions. Like darkrunner said, feelings are not facts and it wouldn't be wise to make decisions about anything without the facts. Granite's T told her a long time ago that she wasn't to email in place of talking but she has continued to send emails instead of talking. If granite isnt talking after all this time, maybe this T isn't the right fit but this is something to be worked through and discussed before ditching the therapy in a state of distress.