[inbloom]

Hi everyone, I had session today and have been hesitating about posting here because my thoughts and emotions are all jumbled up (as they always are immediately following therapy). I realized, though, that part of the benefit of a forum like this is to put all the craziness out there, and that it is in that process that things begin to *un*jumble.....so, here I am.

I think that where I am at really mirrors alot of what's been discussed here recently....specifically in terms of the pain and sadness associated with T not being "the one" and with the reality that the relationship has limits and boundaries......(I think that my words to T today were verbatim, "I HATE boundaries!!!"

My session was good today....feeling really connected, really *knowing* that T loves me, and experiencing that and taking it in. We did talk about some really yucky stuff and that totally sucked, but even then, I knew that he was there and I felt safe.....it was just all of the things that make for a really good session. I even asked him at the end..."Do you still love me even though you have lots of other patients," and " will you still love me even when your next patient is sitting right where I am?" To which he responded "yes" and I believed him....I *believe* him......... BUT, and I really really hate that there has to BE a BUT......... I left and was driving home, and the sense of loss just really really swallowed me. I felt like I might actually have to pull over....I just felt this horrible, terrible, deperate kind of longing, and of *knowing* that what I just got from him in *there* will never be mine in real life...... and I guess now that I'm thinking about it and writing it....that's really not the worst part, because I think that I can accept that T loves me and that this relationship is really unique but comes with its own rules and limits. I think that I can wrap my brain around that. What really really grabs my gut and twists it, is this sense of longing to go back in time and be raised by him...to have a father that was loving and caring and accepting, and who I could love BACK!!! It REALLY hurts in a really HUGE way.

As I was thinking about the emotions and feelings that I have for T, and how young they feel, I started to think about my 3 year old daughter and the relationship that she has with her dad (my H). She loves him SO much....like SO much. They have the BEST relationship, and when he leaves the house, if she has to be left behind, she is just devastated every single time. And, the way that she expresses these emotions in just the most honest, big, real way...... I guess it's what I feel like every time I have to leave T's office. I am that 3 year old that craves the constant love and presence of a loving parent. The feelings that I have, and the emotions that come with them are as raw and young and real as those that my daughter expresses. I guess that means that when it comes to my dependency and neediness with T, I am stuck in that really young time again....just desperately wanting those things. The real difference is, of course, that my daughter gets her father in a really good healthy way, and I never did, and I never will.......*sigh*.......It SO hurts.

I hope that this all made some sense. I feel like I'm just spilling thoughts that may be disconnected and all over the place. I appreciate that I am given the space to do this...

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( HUGS ))))

For as jumbled as you feel, you expressed yourself extremely well, and I understand what you're feeling. It hurts in a big big way....I want to post more, but I'm on my way out. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I understand.

inbloom, I understand.

I don't have children but as I read your beautiful words about your daughter's relationship with your husband, I thought both 'what a gift to be able to see this relationship in action and be able to relate your own stage of development to this' and 'how hard, to see something you cannot have being played out right in front of you'. And then there's all the complexity of not wanting to begrudge her that for a second, because she's your own child and you want her to have everything... No wonder you feel jumbled- it is so complicated.

Perhaps your experience of your daughter's devastation each time your H leaves the house can help you make sense of and validate your feelings? A sort of 'No wonder I feel this bad when my session ends'. Thank you so much for sharing it- I will definitely think of your little daughter the next time I feel devastated by a goodbye with T.

With you in this pain, hope it eases a bit

[BlessedRhiannon]

Your post made complete sense, and I totally understand.

And, your post actually helped me to finish thinking through some of my own thoughts about my T and made me feel a little better about those thoughts, knowing that I'm not alone in the way I feel. I had a realization today that I really wish I could go back in time and be raised with my T as my Mom. It's not that she's at all Mom-like...I picked her specifically because she reminds me nothing of my own mother. It's just that she accepts me and understands me and is able to give me lots of the things I wish I had gotten from my Mom when I was a kid (and even now, in a way).

[WePow]

Originally Posted by inbloom

.I just felt this horrible, terrible, deperate kind of longing, and of *knowing* that what I just got from him in *there* will never be mine in real life...... and I guess now that I'm thinking about it and writing it....that's really not the worst part, because I think that I can accept that T loves me and that this relationship is really unique but comes with its own rules and limits. I think that I can wrap my brain around that. What really really grabs my gut and twists it, is this sense of longing to go back in time and be raised by him...to have a father that was loving and caring and accepting, and who I could love BACK!!! It REALLY hurts in a really HUGE way....

I am crying with you while reading your post. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you very much.

What you said right here is so important. It is the truth of your pain.
You had a right to have that relationship from your father. I had the same right. But we didn't get that. And it stinks. It hurts. And it is a loss - a very BIG loss.

This is the time when you have the right to cry about your loss. You have a right to have a broken heart. No one can break a girls heart like her father can .

You are safe with your T. He does love you - very much. And in a safe way. Just the way my T loves me. There are rules of the relationship - but there were also supposed to be rules with our fathers. Our T is able to show us very real love in a healthy way.

I think that a female survivor can really gain a ton of healing from a positive male T. But it hurts like smack when we start to feel the love come up for our T and we fully realize what we lost as children.

My heart goes out to you.

I understand.

I have a 3-year-old daughter too. It is painful, but I also find it validating too because I look at her and I realize that the things that happened to me at her age were in NO WAY my fault, and I deserved all the love that she deserves, you know?

SO, it's extremely painful. But I also find it healing giving my daughter everything I should have had. It's healing for me to watch her with her daddy too. Like a small piece of me is nurtured by watching her get nurtured.

As for T, I get that too. I told my oldT that I wish I could go back and she could have been my mommy. She said she wishes she could have been there for me back then too.

I bet your T feels the same way.

[inbloom]

Oh, you guys.........Thank you so much for hearing me and offering such thoughtfulness and support. I want to respond more specifically, but I am such an emotional train wreck!! Just one of those times where I can't keep the tears back and am feeling so raw...it's not bad, it's just real and intense and hard.

I will come back later when I can think better and when I don't have little one's climbing all over me. Just wanted to tell each of you how much your words touch me, and how beautiful it is just to be *heard*. Thank you.

[embracinglife]

I really thought that your post was very clearly communicated. I have felt similar feelings of gratitude for therapists...because I felt cared for. That relationship with your therapist is helping to heal old wounds of yours.

And I know sometimes the feelings can be super intense... I still don't know what to do when that happens, but at least you are feeling them! and not numbing them out! this is all good

[Sweetlove]

Originally Posted by inbloom

I think that where I am at really mirrors alot of what's been discussed here recently....specifically in terms of the pain and sadness associated with T not being "the one" and with the reality that the relationship has limits and boundaries......(I think that my words to T today were verbatim, "I HATE boundaries!!!"

You articulated that really well. I understood exactly what you were feeling. I am in that wierd "boundary" place right now. Trying to find a safe place to be close and dependent, yet guarded and limited. I'm afraid to give so much of myself away and not get the support I need...the boundaries scare me.

Take care of yourself

((((((((((inbloom))))))))))))

I SO get it. I used to tell T, "my love for you is TOO BIG". It hurts sometimes.

I have boys, and I wonder sometimes what it would be like to raise a daughter, and see her get the love I didn't get. It seems like there could be something so healing about it...and so painful at the same time (like so much of our healing, I guess). Because we homeschool, we have other families that we are very close to and spend a lot of time with (vacations, etc), and I do feel like I have helped raise some of the girls. Giving them the love I didn't get is a powerful feeling.

I'm sorry it hurts so much tonight. Be extra gentle with you. T's love may not feel like "enough", but maybe, maybe, if you can let in the love of H and your daughter, and the caring of everyone here, it can fill up a little bit of that empty space.

[rainbow8]

((((((((inbloom))))))))

You write eloquently, not jumbled up at all! It hurts me to know you're suffering from the reality of the therapy relationship, just like I am, plus the realization that you can't go back and have a different father. I know how hard it is to accept that. In a way, Ts tease us, offering love but it's not really their love that we want. But it helps heal us, at least I think it does.

I don't know if my own kids had that kind of relationship with their father, but my grandchilden do with theirs. It's incredible to see. I can relate to wanting to be the child, your child, any child and get the love you didn't get. I don't have an answer except to try to take in the love your H is giving to your daughter too. Maybe her joy can be your joy. And, in therapy it's okay to tell your T those 3 year old feelings as much as you need to.

I wish you peace and love.

[SpiritRunner]

Thank you once again for sharing....and sharing so beautifully and honestly.
My T and I often talk about boundaries.....I have told her how much I hate boundaries, too. Not that I don't respect her boundaries and understand the reason for them, but I just simply hate boundaries.....I like my own, I have my own boundaries which I guard fiercely, and yet I do not like boundaries not within my control. I wish I had the liberty to freely express my love for my T, because I do love her, more than I can even tell her.....and it's joy and sorrow interwoven, joy because I feel blessed to have and to feel such love and yet sorrow in the loss and longing and the knowing that in no way can she meet the depth of my love.
I guess it's the intensity of my love and the power of it that makes me feel so swallowed up by it......and a fear of loving that much too, a fear of being so attached and needy and dependent. Doesn't feel safe to love so much.....though to love my children that much, yes. I don't have the same fear of them hurting me or rejecting my love....they are little, and their love so innocent, so fresh, and their need of love and their expression of it so honest and so healing. I grieve for the loss of that in my childhood.....a loss that makes it hard for me to accept that I am loved or feel like it's safe to be loved or to love.
So I do so understand your feelings, your words are so real to me, inbloom!
One thing I'm seeing though, is that the boundaries ARE what makes it safe to love and love so deeply.....though boundaries/limits may hurt, yet they are also healing.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

..... in therapy it's okay to tell your T those 3 year old feelings as much as you need to.

rainbow - thanks for this thought.

inbloom, you've gained a lot of insight on this already! and the young Inbloom feelings that have been stirred up - well this is just Day One, I have a feeling these will grow and change, just as they would have done IRL, do you think? So take it one day at a time... I really envy the way you are able to access your feelings !!
and for sure yr T is pleased with that too.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by inbloom

Hi everyone, I had session today and have been hesitating about posting here because my thoughts and emotions are all jumbled up (as they always are immediately following therapy). I realized, though, that part of the benefit of a forum like this is to put all the craziness out there, and that it is in that process that things begin to *un*jumble.....so, here I am.

I think that where I am at really mirrors alot of what's been discussed here recently....specifically in terms of the pain and sadness associated with T not being "the one" and with the reality that the relationship has limits and boundaries......(I think that my words to T today were verbatim, "I HATE boundaries!!!"

My session was good today....feeling really connected, really *knowing* that T loves me, and experiencing that and taking it in. We did talk about some really yucky stuff and that totally sucked, but even then, I knew that he was there and I felt safe.....it was just all of the things that make for a really good session. I even asked him at the end..."Do you still love me even though you have lots of other patients," and " will you still love me even when your next patient is sitting right where I am?" To which he responded "yes" and I believed him....I *believe* him......... BUT, and I really really hate that there has to BE a BUT......... I left and was driving home, and the sense of loss just really really swallowed me. I felt like I might actually have to pull over....I just felt this horrible, terrible, deperate kind of longing, and of *knowing* that what I just got from him in *there* will never be mine in real life...... and I guess now that I'm thinking about it and writing it....that's really not the worst part, because I think that I can accept that T loves me and that this relationship is really unique but comes with its own rules and limits. I think that I can wrap my brain around that. What really really grabs my gut and twists it, is this sense of longing to go back in time and be raised by him...to have a father that was loving and caring and accepting, and who I could love BACK!!! It REALLY hurts in a really HUGE way.

As I was thinking about the emotions and feelings that I have for T, and how young they feel, I started to think about my 3 year old daughter and the relationship that she has with her dad (my H). She loves him SO much....like SO much. They have the BEST relationship, and when he leaves the house, if she has to be left behind, she is just devastated every single time. And, the way that she expresses these emotions in just the most honest, big, real way...... I guess it's what I feel like every time I have to leave T's office. I am that 3 year old that craves the constant love and presence of a loving parent. The feelings that I have, and the emotions that come with them are as raw and young and real as those that my daughter expresses. I guess that means that when it comes to my dependency and neediness with T, I am stuck in that really young time again....just desperately wanting those things. The real difference is, of course, that my daughter gets her father in a really good healthy way, and I never did, and I never will.......*sigh*.......It SO hurts.

I hope that this all made some sense. I feel like I'm just spilling thoughts that may be disconnected and all over the place. I appreciate that I am given the space to do this...

wow this sounds awsome to be that close to someone

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by WePow

I am crying with you while reading your post. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you very much.

What you said right here is so important. It is the truth of your pain.
You had a right to have that relationship from your father. I had the same right. But we didn't get that. And it stinks. It hurts. And it is a loss - a very BIG loss.

This is the time when you have the right to cry about your loss. You have a right to have a broken heart. No one can break a girls heart like her father can .

You are safe with your T. He does love you - very much. And in a safe way. Just the way my T loves me. There are rules of the relationship - but there were also supposed to be rules with our fathers. Our T is able to show us very real love in a healthy way.

I think that a female survivor can really gain a ton of healing from a positive male T. But it hurts like smack when we start to feel the love come up for our T and we fully realize what we lost as children.

My heart goes out to you.

(((((((WePow))))))) Thank you for this....for every single thing that you said. I am sorry that you can relate in such a real way. We are both lucky to have T's that give us the love we didn't get. I am working really hard to just appreciate what I DO get from my T, rather than to mourn what I *don't* get. I can't even imagine where I'd be without him!!

[inbloom]

All of you....Thank you for your thoughts and words and encouragement. I want to address each one of you, but I haven't yet figured out how to quote more than one person in a post!!

I think that Improving really captured the way that I feel about watching my kids with their dad with this......
"as I read your beautiful words about your daughter's relationship with your husband, I thought both 'what a gift to be able to see this relationship in action and be able to relate your own stage of development to this' and 'how hard, to see something you cannot have being played out right in front of you'. "......

THAT is EXACTLY it!! It is really such a mish-mosh of counter-emotions....intense gratitude that my kids get this relationship with their dad. It warms my spirit to watch the bond and love and to KNOW that they are getting these things that will make their life so much better than mine ever was. But, what has really surprised me, and what I never expected is the sense of loss I feel as I watch these things happen in front of me, and realize how much I needed them....realize how much I didn't get, how important it is, and how much I now work to get it from my T. It is really, really painful.

Of course, because life is funny this way, I wanted all boys because I thought that I would worry less.....and I got three girls instead . Part of me does believe that they each offer an opportunity to sort of re-parent myself through them....to give them what I missed, and to watch them get what I missed via their father. It's such a blessing, but FAR more painful and gut-wrenching than I ever anticipated. It has really opened up a whole new level to my healing and has taken my therapy in new directions.

When my 3-year old cries and hurts because she misses her dad, I always just hold her and tell her I understand.....because that's what I would want someone to do for me, and because I DO understand. I really really DO! In some way, I guess the goal is for each of us to learn to comfort ourselves in this way.....to hold the 3-year-old within and tell him/her we understand, and it's ok to miss and to long and to want. It's ok to feel big huge emotions. It's ok, you are not alone, you are loved.......*sigh* Of course, I *want* my T to do this comforting but I know that the goal is to learn to do it myself. Not easy!!

So much love to each and every one of you!

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by granite1

wow this sounds awsome to be that close to someone

((((((((granite))))))))) It took me a lot of tries with many different T's before I found the one I am with now. I saw 8 who didn't work....that's a lot of misses. It IS wonderful to have found a T that I am so close too and who loves me. That T is out there for you too. Don't give up. You deserve to find him/her!!

[Chronic]

Inbloom, I totally get it. I'm slightly triggered coz I had a pretty similar session last week with T and have been really struggling feeling like you do since then, plus T is on holiday now so it's not good. Can't really say anymore coz it hurts so much, but just wanted to give my support. You are not alone with this feeling

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by Chronic

Inbloom, I totally get it. I'm slightly triggered coz I had a pretty similar session last week with T and have been really struggling feeling like you do since then, plus T is on holiday now so it's not good. Can't really say anymore coz it hurts so much, but just wanted to give my support. You are not alone with this feeling

Thank you, Chronic. So sorry that you are hurting too.