Grieving

My T emailed me back. She said my letter to my Mom was very beautiful and she is sure that this grieving will help me. She said she respects the hard therapeutic work I'm doing. She recommended the book, Motherless Daughters which I read long ago but I said it's worth rereading.

I emailed back though I won't hear from her again. I told her that I don't hate her but I am so disappointed and angry, and though I know the letter helped direct the grief where it belongs, it leaks out and gets mixed up with my feelings for her. I told her I didn't want her to have any clients besides me and that I have to keep writing her so I know she's here, and that I don't want her to die too.

We may go away next week and miss my appointment. My H says if my T can miss it, so can I. She changed it to Wed. instead of Tuesday. I told her that he doesn't understand but that I don't care if I see her since "it's not about you" anyway. I said I wanted to hurt her, but I know that anger is part of grief. I said I get immobilized and sad when I think about her.

So, this is going to kill me or cure me. I hope the latter. I got up at 5a.m. today and couldn't go back to sleep. I can't now either. I wish my T would write back again, but there's nothing she can say. She is here with me. I know that but I have to do this myself anyway.

Very insightful that you know you have to do this yourself. That's strength. It sounds like you have your emotions about your mom wrapped up in your feelings about your T. That's complex. You can get through this. Take care.

i dont know what to say but i am thinking about you .please if you do end up going away try to have some fun and not think about T for a bit.i know it is hard but maybe when you do allow it for a small amount and then move on.i would love to see you have a great vacation

(((( Rainbow ))))

This so hard. My heart hurts for you...It's awful to have to go through these emotions, and you are so strong for letting yourself feel and express all of this. It's incredibly painful. Keep sharing it with us, and sharing it with T. Let it all out. We are here for you.

"She is here with me. I know that but I have to do this myself anyway."

Rainbow, this is one of the hardest hardest things that I have had to learn/am still learning in therapy. That my T can be there, support me, say all the right things, care, etc. - but ultimately she can't do the work for me. I have to do it. It can be a lonely realization, but it doesn't have to be.

I agree....your grieving feelings are getting mixed in with your love feelings for your T. It's insightful of you to see this....I know the awareness doesn't ease the hurt for right now, but it's a good step toward fuller healing. You're doing well!

((((rainbow)))))

I know I don't comment much on your posts. Some of them just hit a bit close too home for me to feel comfortable. Sorry.

But I want you to know I've followed your story, and I think you are SO SO close to a breakthrough here. You're doing it. You're healing.

Remember last year when your T first suggested that all this stuff could really be about your mom and how much you resisted that? Now look where you are. You're facing your grief/anger for your mother, and you're recognizing the ways it clouds your judgment with Ts and you're feeling all those uncomfortable painful feelings and you're getting through it.

I hope you give yourself some compassion in all this.

I second what MUE says.

I like how you explain the way that your emotions for your mom get "mixed up" with those for T. I can really identify with this, and feel like I am in a very similar space. It hurts A LOT.....A LOT. I very much believe that this will *heal* you rather than *kill* you. I think that the truth is that you have already survived the worst of it. The part that would have had the potential to *kill* you is over. Now you are in the healing....but I have found that the healing hurts far more than the surviving. Auto-pilot is not a raw place to be, but feeling all the emotions that you put away due to being in auto-pilot.....now THAT hurts. Obviously, I am speaking of my own experiences here, but I am thinking that there is some truth there for you as well.

Try to remember that you ARE doing it. You ARE healing. When you are crying and hating your T and resentful, and feeling like a needy child, you are in the process of healing. Just keep going. Keep talking about it. I really feel like it is your amazing dedication to honesty that is going to get you to a place that feels more whole and doesn't hurt as bad.

Inbloom.....you mentioned already surviving the worst of it....yet the healing hurts far more than the surviving. That is so so so true for me. When I'm dealing with trauma stuff, it's hard not to feel as though I am reliving it...the feelings are as though it's happening right then and there....and it's hard, at times, to remember that it is NOT happening now and that I survived that.

But when it comes to these strong, incredible feelings that we feel towards our T that is related to something we didn't have, wish we had, or whatnot - the hurt and pain from that feels so unbearable at times....that I sometimes wish I never got into therapy.

Good work rainbow.......

(sorry to hijack your thread, rainbow) but griffin—Your insight reminds me of how my T has been gently suggesting (for the past few years) that my mom's alcoholism during my childhood greatly contributed to my various difficulties now as an adult. I never wanted to acknowledge it because it made me feel *so* guilty...my mom has been sober since 1992 and we have a close relationship. But I finally went back to "that place" last month. I am planning on having a heart-to-heart with Mom when I go home in a few weeks.

Take care, rainbow. It's hard digging up all this stuff, isn't it.

Yes, MUE, I know......I feel and think this often too. Sometimes its about the lesser of two evils.....like, which is worse, my life issues and dealing with them, OR the issues that arise from the therapy itself (which, of course are really reflections of what is already there anyway). Maybe I will start a new thread about this....it's a great topic that I'm sure many can relate too. In the meantime, though, to you....I get it.

would be a great thread topic! I said something like that to my T the other day, too, that this all hurt so much I wish I had never started.....but if I had never started, I would have missed a journey of healing and blessing, discovery and change and growth, which has all happened right along with the pain. It hurts to be attached to my T, it hurts to love and to think of love that isn't to be had.....but then I think, what about the safe love I do have from her? What if I didn't have her help, her care, her support.....
Yes, I'll take the attachment and I'll take the pain of therapy, the grieving, because I want to and need to heal and be whole!