[inbloom]

Hi everyone. I am going to write a really really dumb post right now because it was either that, or never come back here again....*sigh* I just apologize in advance for being so completely lame and childish...

SO, for a long time now my T has been encouraging me to reach out to others, and to expand my support system, build connections with peers, etc... And, I have just felt like there is NO WAY I can do it. It has become very frustrating because its like any problem that I have or any feeling or emotion that I try to deal with is just answered with, "you need to build up other relationships," I can't be the only one here for you," "This will get better the more you socialize," and blah blah blah BLAH!!!!

From as far back as I can remember, I have ALWAYS felt marginalized....always felt different....always felt like no one understood me, and if they really did know me then they wouldn't want to anyway. It got a lot worse as of a couple of years ago after I suffered some really huge losses and just totally isolated myself in order to cope.

Now, my T is just back to pushing and pushing and sometimes I just feel like I don't even want to go back because he is giving me an answer that I don't want to hear because I really really feel incapable of doing it!!!

Coming into this group is sort of my first lame attempt to connect with people, and seriously, I even feel like this is too much for me. I hate rejection, I personalize EVERYTHING, and last night I was sitting here thinking, "See, even they don't like me...they don't want me to be part of their group....I am never posting another thing there....EVER!!!"

I had to take a deep breath and make myself come back on and just SAY THIS because all too often, I just run away. But, in reality, no one has done anything to me, and I still feel bad.....if I can't even join into something online where I am anonymous....if I can't reach out here and if I feel rejected here...then how will I ever be able to build relationships in life?? And, if I can't do it then why am I even going to therapy anymore.....if that is the answer why bother???? I am just always feeling like a failure and just incapable and lame and yucky! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

[Sannah]

Hi inbloom, I love your courage! What has always worked for me is to work through these things so I would suggest you post what your perspective was here, what your feelings were, etc. and then you can work to an understanding of what happened.

Also, in therapy when your T says you need to build up relationships, there are steps missing. This is probably what you need to be working on in therapy? I would suggest talking in therapy about your history of feeling marginalized.

(((((inbloom))))))

You are not rejected here. I know it's easy sometimes to look at posts and responses/lack of responses and make assumptions like that. I've done it too. But it's not reality.

Coming here to find connection is not lame.

I also know how painful that must feel for your T to constantly push you to build outside support.

My oldT used to phrase it differently, which helped me...she'd say "It is perfectly OK for you to need me and reach out to me and lean on me for support, and ALSO I want you to experience that support outside of my office. I want you to enjoy every measure of love and support that the world has to offer you."

And I realized I wanted that too, I just didn't know how to do it, and so we broke it down into steps that felt safe to me.

Now, honestly, I'm relearning because I moved away from OldT and all the friends I learned to lean on for support. I have to start over, but it feels a little easier this time because I've had some practice.

I wonder if you can ask your T for specific suggestions...baby steps you can take.

Personally, I see posting this as a big step in reaching out. You're doing it.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by inbloom

SO, for a long time now my T has been encouraging me to reach out to others, and to expand my support system, build connections with peers, etc... And, I have just felt like there is NO WAY I can do it.

I get around this by telling myself to reach out to others who are (mostly) on the same wavelength. You don't have to "reach out" to everyone to get their approval...

Originally Posted by inbloom

Coming into this group is sort of my first lame attempt to connect with people, and seriously, I even feel like this is too much for me. I hate rejection, I personalize EVERYTHING, and last night I was sitting here thinking, "See, even they don't like me...they don't want me to be part of their group....I am never posting another thing there....EVER!!!"

Oh, (((((((((((inbloom))))))))))))

Here is a TRUE STORY for you.

Last night, I thought about PMing you just to let you know how much I like reading your posts, and how glad I am that you've joined us here. I don't know why I didn't do it, but now I wish I had! Because all of that is true. I REALLY like your posts and I AM really really glad you've joined us.

When I first came here, sometimes I felt super rejected if I didn't get responses to my posts. I actually posted something about it too, and someone pointed out to me that generally, for every 10 views, there is one reply. I started noticing that that was true, and it made me feel better.

It's not lame to reach out for support here (unless we're ALL lame, and that just CAN'T be true! ). And it's not stupid to worry and to post about it.

I hope you feel better. You are important.

Be gentle with you

[Elley]

I understand what you are feeling I think. I also find it hard to tell people my problems, and my T has also pushed me to tell others. I have resisted that for a long time, and have only just started to talk to friends etc. It takes time, and it will never be comfortable at first. I don't have much advice, just that I get how difficult it can be. But coming here is definitely an important first step

[inbloom]

you guys........ I am totally crying....I'm SUCH a baby sometimes!!!! I really worried about posting this because I didn't want it to seem like I just wanted pats on the back or was attention seeking....but really, if I didn't put it out there, I never would have come back....and I am *trying* to be a grown up and to stop running.

Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for allowing me to be honest about what a child I am (feel like).

((((Tree))))), thank you for telling me that...

I'm glad that I said something and put it out there. I always imagine the worst and let that grow and grow. *sigh*.... Thanks, guys.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by InBloom

From as far back as I can remember, I have ALWAYS felt marginalized....always felt different....always felt like no one understood me, and if they really did know me then they wouldn't want to anyway. It got a lot worse as of a couple of years ago after I suffered some really huge losses and just totally isolated myself in order to cope.

You are not alone!! I've also always felt this way...and the more losses I suffer, the more I isolate myself. I completely understand how you are feeling. I'm new here too, and it is kinda hard to join in at first...feels like everyone has this big history with each other, and I feel like I'm intruding.

I don't know if this will help you at all, but I've found the more pressure I put on myself to make connections, the harder it is. What's worked for me is to tell myself - "this is something/someone I'm interested in. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out, but I'd like to try." Sometimes all I can do is stand in the corner at an event, or just smile at someone else...but I'm learning that is okay, and it's a starting point.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by inbloom

Hi everyone. I am going to write a really really dumb post right now because it was either that, or never come back here again....*sigh* I just apologize in advance for being so completely lame and childish...

SO, for a long time now my T has been encouraging me to reach out to others, and to expand my support system, build connections with peers, etc... And, I have just felt like there is NO WAY I can do it. It has become very frustrating because its like any problem that I have or any feeling or emotion that I try to deal with is just answered with, "you need to build up other relationships," I can't be the only one here for you," "This will get better the more you socialize," and blah blah blah BLAH!!!!

From as far back as I can remember, I have ALWAYS felt marginalized....always felt different....always felt like no one understood me, and if they really did know me then they wouldn't want to anyway. It got a lot worse as of a couple of years ago after I suffered some really huge losses and just totally isolated myself in order to cope.

Now, my T is just back to pushing and pushing and sometimes I just feel like I don't even want to go back because he is giving me an answer that I don't want to hear because I really really feel incapable of doing it!!!

Coming into this group is sort of my first lame attempt to connect with people, and seriously, I even feel like this is too much for me. I hate rejection, I personalize EVERYTHING, and last night I was sitting here thinking, "See, even they don't like me...they don't want me to be part of their group....I am never posting another thing there....EVER!!!"

I had to take a deep breath and make myself come back on and just SAY THIS because all too often, I just run away. But, in reality, no one has done anything to me, and I still feel bad.....if I can't even join into something online where I am anonymous....if I can't reach out here and if I feel rejected here...then how will I ever be able to build relationships in life?? And, if I can't do it then why am I even going to therapy anymore.....if that is the answer why bother???? I am just always feeling like a failure and just incapable and lame and yucky! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

((((((inbloom)))))) Bless your heart! I have been admiring your honesty and your courage so much to just jump in and share.....to ask for support and to give it. You have done so well and I have so very much appreciated your posts and you being here! You are neither lame nor childish, but wonderfully and deeply insightful and perceptive.
I understand in a personal way so much of your post....my T has encouraged me to reach out and learn to ask for help and support instead of keeping my pain and needs to myself, to expand my support system, to be more open, to trust more. I do so relate to the fear of rejection and to taking things personally; I struggle with these things a lot. So I am SO impressed that you have been able to take a deep breath and jump in as you have......even sharing this is a huge thing, much more than I could imagine doing! So you have been brave and I am so proud of you!
As far as PC goes.....it actually took me quite a while to join, a while longer to post, and I'm actually still wondering sometimes how useful and helpful I really am around here! Or if I'm even liked, too......though I shouldn't be wondering this because I really know so many have reached out and shared themselves and helped me so much. Anyway....you have already helped me and I want to thank you for it. Please keep posting and reaching out, we are here and we care!

[granite1]

please dont feel rejected here i know i read your post but just have a lot gping on and dont want to say the wrong things but i will send bunches of hugs

[sittingatwatersedge]

inbloom, from what you have posted, you have a lot (a lot) in common with a lot (a lot) of people here. Which means you have found a great many friends who understand where you're coming from, and fight the same fight you do. I've always found them to be very generous to share their stories, and insights, which are invaluable, and I am betting they will be the same for you.

Part of the T's job, like a physical therapist, is to stretch you or have you stretch into the limits of your comfort zone... you may resent it, you may resist it, but at same time you know they do it for your good, and you cooperate when you can, as you can. How much that is varies from day to day. hang in there. And come on back and post away, there is someone here most any time.

PS - Granite is mistaken about not being useful or even liked at PC!! I like her a lot, and she is very generous to help others even when hurting.

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by inbloom

Hi everyone. I am going to write a really really dumb post right now because it was either that, or never come back here again....*sigh* I just apologize in advance for being so completely lame and childish...

SO, for a long time now my T has been encouraging me to reach out to others, and to expand my support system, build connections with peers, etc... And, I have just felt like there is NO WAY I can do it. It has become very frustrating because its like any problem that I have or any feeling or emotion that I try to deal with is just answered with, "you need to build up other relationships," I can't be the only one here for you," "This will get better the more you socialize," and blah blah blah BLAH!!!!

From as far back as I can remember, I have ALWAYS felt marginalized....always felt different....always felt like no one understood me, and if they really did know me then they wouldn't want to anyway. It got a lot worse as of a couple of years ago after I suffered some really huge losses and just totally isolated myself in order to cope.

Now, my T is just back to pushing and pushing and sometimes I just feel like I don't even want to go back because he is giving me an answer that I don't want to hear because I really really feel incapable of doing it!!!

Coming into this group is sort of my first lame attempt to connect with people, and seriously, I even feel like this is too much for me. I hate rejection, I personalize EVERYTHING, and last night I was sitting here thinking, "See, even they don't like me...they don't want me to be part of their group....I am never posting another thing there....EVER!!!"

I had to take a deep breath and make myself come back on and just SAY THIS because all too often, I just run away. But, in reality, no one has done anything to me, and I still feel bad.....if I can't even join into something online where I am anonymous....if I can't reach out here and if I feel rejected here...then how will I ever be able to build relationships in life?? And, if I can't do it then why am I even going to therapy anymore.....if that is the answer why bother???? I am just always feeling like a failure and just incapable and lame and yucky! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

DITTO DITTO DITTO!
i love all the feedback in this thread too Thank you (((inbloom))) for being so clear and complete in expressing this. Seriously, not lame at all. Thank you (((everyone else))) here too *Now leaving to reflect on more...*

[WikidPissah]

just wanted to say I hear you. I don't respond a lot, because I am stupid, and my advice is lame. I don't want to make things worse for people. But I just realized not responding can even be worse sometimes, so I will try harder.

I care. I read every post. I think about you and the other posters. I wish the best for you. Please stick around, PC needs you.

[inbloom]

OMG, you guys....I feel stupid just saying "thank you" over and over, but, really, thank you for hearing me and not thinking that I'm totally ridiculous for having such immediate insecurities, and for offering your encouragement and support and stories, and ALL OF IT!!

It's SO weird for me to be here and to be hearing the ways that others can relate......I have been in therapy a long time, and have been dealing with these insecurities and feelings of being different and alone for A LONG time. Clearly, judging by the things that you all have shared, I am not alone in this. I suppose that seeing this commonality is *exactly* why my T encourages reaching out and connecting with others. He always tells me that I'm NOT crazy and different and alone.....but there is a huge difference between him telling me these things, and me really believing and internalizing them.

This place is a really good start for me. It's a really safe way for me to reach out and to see that there ARE others out there who *get* it. I just appreciate that there is space for me to share my insecurities so openly, because, I think that without being able to do that, I would bail.....For the record, I am REALLY skilled at bailing!

I read and listened to what each of you has shared here. Thank you for helping me, and I do so hope that in some way I might be able to offer something that touches and helps some of you as well.

[inbloom]

[QUOTE=Eileen2010;1721559]just wanted to say I hear you. I don't respond a lot, because I am stupid, and my advice is lame. I don't want to make things worse for people. But I just realized not responding can even be worse sometimes, so I will try harder.

(((((((Eileen)))))))) I am sure that you are neither *stupid* or *lame*, but clearly, I can relate to feeling both of those things about myself.

[SpiritRunner]

[quote=inbloom;1721711]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

just wanted to say I hear you. I don't respond a lot, because I am stupid, and my advice is lame. I don't want to make things worse for people. But I just realized not responding can even be worse sometimes, so I will try harder.

(((((((Eileen)))))))) I am sure that you are neither *stupid* or *lame*, but clearly, I can relate to feeling both of those things about myself.

Eileen, I second this.....you most definitely NOT stupid, lame, or a freak, either. You have a lot of good to offer.....

[Suratji]

inbloom - boy oh boy, are you one of the bravest people! I haven't reached the place where I can confess that I feel marginalized. I've also been trying to reach out to people (just recently). It's hard because I also feel rejection easily and also because there are not people around who are on my 'wave length'.

I'll share an experience I had today which can demonstrate the results of trying to come out of my cocoon. I made a determined effort last month to learn how to swim. I've always been shy about getting into a swim suit and so I hadn't. But I felt that I needed to be bold and brave and give it a try. So I've worked hard internally to overcome my shyness and I've been going to the pool for the past two months. Scary because I don't know anyone at the pool and scary because I don't have a fit body but I did it anyways.

Well, people have been really nice at the pool and have helped me with techniques to learn how to swim. I've become more and more comfortable at the pool and feel less and less like an outcast.

Well, something really awesome happened today that I feel is the result of stretching my comfortable boundaries. I'm out of town and I decided to take my swim suit with me. (Why? I have no idea) But, an acquaintance of mine invited me to go to an outdoor pool with her and I did! You have no idea how impossible that would have been just 3 months ago with the emotional shyness that I lived with.

I had the most fun that I've had in years. It was very cold outside but the pool was 'delicious'. Palm trees and hot tub and I was in bliss. My acquaintance may have become a good friend and we laughed and laughed and laughed for hours.

And all of this because I forced myself to reach out a little bit and to not fear rejection so much. It was tough but so far the reward has been very high.

So, look at you. You are reaching out here on PC and look at the response. You and I both are learning how to better navigate the world of 'people' and I have confidence that it's going to work out well for both of us.

Raw honesty gets us past the most humiliating, hurtful, painful insecurities. I can't tell people on 'the outside world' what I am going through, how I feel, what I think, and all the other crazy stuff that goes on in my emotional life.

PC has literally saved me from myself! We come here as one. We come here as equals, no one is above or beneath the other. Age is no factor with how we interact with one another. Transparent and free to say whatever we need to say.

No judgement, no expectations. Just come are you are, each and every day. Nothing is too dumb or stupid to share. If that were the case, many of us would join the Dumb Stupid Club and be high ranking with honors!

[rainbow8]

(((((((inbloom)))))))

This is my first chance to read threads since this morning. Everyone seems to have said it all, but I want to add my 2 cents worth. I admire you very much for posting what you did. You are not lame or stupid at all!! I love reading your posts and of course you know I identify with some of your issues.

I worried about fitting in here too, when I first started posting because I have trouble in "real life" with feeling comfortable in social situations. It's getting better, though. Your T is right when he says you aren't crazy or different. You're never alone when you have PC, especially this forum, either!

I am very, very glad that you reached out here. You have a lot to offer and I hope you come to realize that so you can make more connections in "real life" too. I think this place is often more real than real life, but you know what I mean. Thank you so much for your honesty in posting this thread. Please stay here with us! I would be very sad if you didn't!!

[inbloom]

Suratji, that is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that story. I don't know that I would have been brave enough to do what you have...I have started many things like that and then quit because I can so easily start feeling like an outsider. What an amazing accomplishment, and what a beautiful reward that you received...being able to connect with someone like that. And, yes, we are "learning to navigate the world of people"...I love how you phrased this.

Squiggle, thank you...I love that we come here as equals....it's such a rare experience to be able to do that in this world.

Rainbow, thank you so much. Your words are so kind and genuine and I just so appreciate that you care.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( inbloom ))))

I am just now reading this thread and I am in total awe over your courage and honesty. SO BRAVE of you to come out and share such hard feelings. I hope you know by the feedback you've gotten that you are not being childish at all and that you are cared for and wanted here. (((( BIG BIG BIG HUGS ))))

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

(((( inbloom ))))

I am just now reading this thread and I am in total awe over your courage and honesty. SO BRAVE of you to come out and share such hard feelings. I hope you know by the feedback you've gotten that you are not being childish at all and that you are cared for and wanted here. (((( BIG BIG BIG HUGS ))))

Thank you so SO much, MUE!! It's so crazy, but I never think of myself as being strong or having courage. Thank you for saying such kind things.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by inbloom

Hi everyone. I am going to write a really really dumb post right now because it was either that, or never come back here again....*sigh* I just apologize in advance for being so completely lame and childish...

SO, for a long time now my T has been encouraging me to reach out to others, and to expand my support system, build connections with peers, etc... And, I have just felt like there is NO WAY I can do it. It has become very frustrating because its like any problem that I have or any feeling or emotion that I try to deal with is just answered with, "you need to build up other relationships," I can't be the only one here for you," "This will get better the more you socialize," and blah blah blah BLAH!!!!

From as far back as I can remember, I have ALWAYS felt marginalized....always felt different....always felt like no one understood me, and if they really did know me then they wouldn't want to anyway. It got a lot worse as of a couple of years ago after I suffered some really huge losses and just totally isolated myself in order to cope.

Now, my T is just back to pushing and pushing and sometimes I just feel like I don't even want to go back because he is giving me an answer that I don't want to hear because I really really feel incapable of doing it!!!

Coming into this group is sort of my first lame attempt to connect with people, and seriously, I even feel like this is too much for me. I hate rejection, I personalize EVERYTHING, and last night I was sitting here thinking, "See, even they don't like me...they don't want me to be part of their group....I am never posting another thing there....EVER!!!"

I had to take a deep breath and make myself come back on and just SAY THIS because all too often, I just run away. But, in reality, no one has done anything to me, and I still feel bad.....if I can't even join into something online where I am anonymous....if I can't reach out here and if I feel rejected here...then how will I ever be able to build relationships in life?? And, if I can't do it then why am I even going to therapy anymore.....if that is the answer why bother???? I am just always feeling like a failure and just incapable and lame and yucky! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

(((inbloom)))

I haven't been on psychcentral for a while, so I haven't seen too many of your posts, but don't think that people aren't responding because they don't like your or your posts!

What you wrote completely mirrored a part of my life that I struggle with as well. As a matter of fact my T and I had this conversation a few weeks ago. She keeps urging me to go out and meet people and open up to people. I keep telling her I CAN'T and that I feel like I don't know how because I spent most of my life isolated from the outside world (other than the 6 torturous hours I spent in school each day and the yearly family holiday party) and it's like she doesn't hear me because all she says is try. I haven't told her, but like you I feel like if people actually got to know me, they'd wish they hadn't because I keep thinking they will see what a monster I really am or how weird I am, or that something is wrong with me.

SO, I totally get what you are saying and I totally understand how hard it is. I still have not figured out HOW to build a support network/group of friends and If you continue to work on this and find something that works for you, please share it with everyone, I'm sure there are others, including myself who struggle with this as well.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

(((inbloom)))

What you wrote completely mirrored a part of my life that I struggle with as well. As a matter of fact my T and I had this conversation a few weeks ago. She keeps urging me to go out and meet people and open up to people. I keep telling her I CAN'T

Yes, I have this same conversation with my T on a regular basis as well!

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I so appreciate that others can understand. I guess, when life is spent in isolation, you never really know if there are others out there who feel the same.....*sigh*.....I'm sorry that you struggle with this as well..

[Suratji]

From Simon and Garfunkul:
I am a rock
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need for friendship; friendship causes pain,
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no once touches me.
I am a rock
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

I heard this song this morning and I couldn't believe how much the lyrics spoke to me. I had to wonder about myself then in regards to separating myself from others.