I screwed up? Maybe?

I feel like I screwed up by firing my "bad" shrink. I do.

I miss him so so so much. In the year and a half that I went to therapy, I honestly came to think of him as my third parent.

I was just thinking today how the actual parents who raised me are objectively, so much worse than how my shrink treated me, and I still keep in touch with them and make an effort to be on good terms with them.

And then it hit me. Why am I so intolerant to imperfection in others?

I am blaming this person for not being there for me by accident, when the people who should have been there (in theory) chose not to be.

Am I crazy????

Sorry if this makes no sense. It just hit me and I need to throw it out there so I don't keep chewing it over.

You did not pay your parents to raise you to feed, house, clothe you, get you up and to school each morning, all that goes into being a parent, regardless of emotional and personal interactional difficulties and negatives on your or their part.

The psychiatrist might be a really nice guy but he needs to be good at what he does and work to improve and be working toward your best interests; your parents didn't really have a "choice" they became pregnant with "you" and were kind of stuck whether or not they were "ready" to be parents or interested in being parents or thought all that through. Your psychiatrist decided to become a psychiatrist and went through all the training to be one and, to be a good one, should have worked on his business skills too as he's in the medical business and he needs to run his practice well to succeed. Sounds like he didn't do so well by you in one case where it mattered to you! That's okay! You get a vote on who you hire.

Oh thanks. I know it's just a metaphor and they're not really our parents! Geez! I just want to be more practical, you know. I hold people to such a high standard in my brain and so low a one in real life.

What Perna said! I'm going through the same thing -- but I chickened out, told my T I needed a break. He thinks I'm going to come back when I'm ready. (Sometimes I feel like the parent in that relationship)

You really struck something with me when you said you were feeling like you should have tolerated your T's imperfections. (He's not so bad? Not as bad as your own folks? And he doesn't beat you? Sounds stellar! )

My own T used this little ploy on me at our last face-to-face. He had the cohones to say to me that I should give him a break, because he's human. Yes, I understood that, but his bizarre moodiness and hostility were creating an anti-therapeutic and quite chaotic environment for me. Human schmooman. His approach wasn't working for me. To the curb!

As Perna said, therapists have to be a heck of a lot better than our friends and family members. With friends, there's reciprocity. You've got some deeply felt connections, and you give them a break when things go wrong. I was thinking about this the other day: if I knew my T as a friend, and we were having burgers and beer or something, and he was in a bad mood and kept slamming his glass down on the table, I'd say, Hey Bob, cool it, you're freaking me out. Oh, and care to share what's wrong? I'd like to know what's up with you.

That last part is the part you can't do with your T. He's not your friend. And that's why you're not his.

When my T does the therapeutic equivalent of slamming his beer glass down on the table in our sessions, I go nuts. I've asked him what's wrong. I've asked him if it's me. I get the frozen face, the blank stare. No progress, no help.

To the curb.

Your feeling about what's happening in therapy, whether it feels safe or not, whether you're making progress, whether you trust your T and feel comfortable -- these are the things to ask yourself, and listen to the answers. And you did. So I say congrats, and no regrets!

But I know you'll feel them for a while. I do too, right now

Thanks kitten! Right now is like the omg-is-this-it? stage. I would never want to have a beer with my therapist; that is the honest to goodness truth, I have good boundaries (even in my head). But it is sooooo confusing right now because, I keep thinking, oh when I talk to T again, I'll feel all right. And that's NEVER going to happen! (ARG)

Thank you guys again.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I even care????

I am so frustrated with myself.

I feel so raw.

Whenever I have a crisis - who do I usually call????

It is devastating. I feel so alone right now.

Could you start looking for a new therapist? Sometimes getting busy with that can take your mind off it, and help you to feel like you're still making progress.

I need to do this also. Today is kind of a crap day because I don't have therapy! (My own choice, but it still sucks)

I'm going to try to find a new T who is willing to chat with me about what went wrong with the old one. I've had CBT Ts tell me they don't want to do this - that they're all about forward progress. I think there's also a vanity component in that response - the new guy is symbolically d*ck swinging with the specter of the former T. (sigh)

Maybe tell any prospective new T that you'd like to work on the relationship you had with your previous T. Their reaction will be revealing. A good therapist won't be thrown by this. You're supposed to be able to talk about whatever you want to, after all! And I think it would help you. Just my two cents!

I fired my last T after 2 years. It's a long story, and was a really hard decision, but I had to do it to get better. It took 3 mos or so to finally get down to business and get a new T. Those 3 mos were horrendous, I remember them well. I felt like I absolutely had no one. But in hindsight, I needed that little break to figure out what went wrong and what I needed from a T. I've been with new T for 6 mos...and it's a big difference. No, he ain't perfect...but he sure as hell isn't putting me thru the crap old T did.

Wow kitten therapists won't talk about past therapies? I guess there are some advantages to that choice, to draw a line but the downside I can imagine is lack of continuity. There is a sort of question when you visit a different therapist-- have you have been in treatment for the same issue before; nobody wants to retread the same ground, and I just don't know how to answer that right now with any answer other than "yes, it was terrible!" or simply lying and say not. There's that cooling off period as Wikid Pissah mentioned.. how funny by the way, three months sounds just right. I am not that creative right now to be able to figure out an answer to how to deal with that. Well maybe I will book a first session and try. Can you just try anyway?

By the way my sister and her family were just sharing some pictures of Disney Land and I realized, it's a whole world devoted to a fictional mouse, so I am starting to cut myself a break about the whole missing the therapist thing.

YES YES YES, you can just try anyway!

Ha ha, therapist as fictional mouse! What a brilliant image

And it's a very canny analogy. Here's how I think it works: our therapists inspire and focus, without really fulfilling, strange longings in us. They're larger-than-life surrogate figures, and we layer them over with with incredibly powerful meanings. No single person can be everything we need, the way our parents were (or were supposed to be for us) in infancy. So we realize on some level that this incredibly glowy person is a chimera, something we've created because we need to believe in it. And yet -- we still need to believe.

OTOH, therapists really are there, they're just a lot more limited than we wish they were. Still, they're highly educated and trained, and they're (ideally) compassionate people. Some are gifted at what they do, and they can give us a lot. The main thing I've discovered is that the relationship HAS to work. That chemistry between client and therapist is a big factor, it's just the truth.

It is SO HARD to find the right relationship. I'd rather have to look for a new job right now than have to find a new -- fictional mouse! (sigh)

No, not all of them dislike talking about previous therapists. I just meant that the cognitive behavioral therapist I saw wasn't too keen on going there with me. So I dropped that. It's probably just an individual quirk...Something I would vet, though, in your intake with a prospective new T!

Yeah! I think the really odd thing about our relationship (with my T) was that he was prepared to be this surrogate figure for me and even really enjoyed that aspect of it. In a way, I feel like there was a connection at that level that is painful to break. But on the actual level where people interact, solve problems, negotiate, it was a very poor relationship. So that's where the difficulty was for me, sorting that out.

Do I need therapy for therapy? Well luckily there's always someone ready with a good point on the pc boards. But maybe it will be helpful to bring it up in the next round, who knows. I agree that more flexible and less "quirky" is better in a therapist.

I talked about old T with new T...but not until I was with him for about 5 mos. He was floored that I didn't "run" sooner, and he says it furthered my belief that i deserve to be treated badly.

So yea, I wouldn't go right in complaining about old T, but when you get your bearings it's ok to bring it up...it was a painful event, thats what T's are there to listen to.

"Do I need therapy for therapy?" Ha ha! Interesting, I was thinking this just yesterday. I've already terminated with my T, and even if I were to go back, I don't think he'd ever trust me enough to put our interpersonal stuff aside. It was so much like a -- relationship. Part of why it felt uncomfortable.

But yesterday I had this thought that my T and I, as a last-resort attempt to save our therapy, could have gone to a second therapist together! Like in couples therapy! But how weird. Then it really would feel like a relationship. Which is already a little eeeeewwwww.

I don't think anything like that exists, does it?

You know, quite honestly, it takes a couple attempts to leave most relationships, for me. I tend to double back on my footsteps and just observe if it's worth it for a while. Usually my gut instinct was right. I think if you want to go back for a last appointment (just to confirm he is a jerk or not) that is fine. But I was thinking about your situation and you deserve so much better. Some people think that being "old school" justifies whatever behavior they want. But that's their thing.