The BEST session ever!!

I don't have time to tell you guys all about it right now, but I am on cloud nine! YAY!! Thank you for helping me this past week. I could never have done this without you!

I will definitely get back with you later tonight. I cannot believe how much better I feel!

Yay Squig! I'm so happy for you! Especially after such a rough week!

yay, squiggle, I am so happy, so happy for you! I had a feeling it could be wonderful and am so happy it was and that YOU are happy. I'm looking forward to hearing more!

I'm glad for you.

aaaw yayyy can't wait to hear about your great session!! I am so happy for you you deserve it!

hope you tell us about it soon.i'm glad it went well

........

Thanks guys! I have so much to share, but I am bushed! It was a very long day. I will get back on here tomorrow and tell you what a great time we had.

I am so happy for you Squiggle!

I went into session fully expecting to have a shut down. Silent Session. But it didn't happen! I was open and we talked and talked. She brought up the emails I had written her and said what great progress they had shown. She said that from the first one I sent her, to the last one, she could see where I worked my anger issue out so beautifully! I was proud of myself.

I showed her the post where I was talking about how I would have a difficult time doing therapy withoutout email. It would be like going to church and being told you can come to get healed, but you cannot sing when you are here, you must do everything in sign language!

We talked about how some therapists will do email, some won't. Some allow phone calls, some don't. Every therapist has there own set of rules they go by. I asked her if she really had any set rules about email. She said she did not. She said she is fine with it. But then she asked me why I sent them? What was my purpose for sending them. Was it to process? Was it to share what was going on? Was it to get a response from her?

I told her that I didn't know, but that if I sent an email, I did expect a response. She asked me how I would feel if she didn't. BTW~She never got back with me on this last email. She said she meant to, but things got really busy for her. She did say she wondered how I would handle that.

I asked her if she was challenging me by not responsing to my email. She assurred me that she was not. But she did wonder how I would react to that. It didn't bother me too much until the night before session. I hadn't heard from here, so I was wondering if she even wanted me to come to my next session.

She asked me a strange question. Is sending emails a way for you to gain control in therapy? I did not understand what she meant by that. I just told her that everybody had their own way of expressing themselves. I write. When I write to her, I do want her to respond back to me. She asked me why? I thought that was a dumb question, but I answered it anyway. I want you to respond because there is no point in me writing (talking) to you if you are not going to talk back. If that is the way it is going to be, then I will no longer send any emails.

She backed up and said, "I never said you couldn't send emails. I just want to know your reason for sending them and what you were expecting from me."

To this I said, "What exactly are you trying to say? Are you wanting to stop the email communication? Are you saying I can still send them, but you will not respond?"

I told her that email communication was just become part of our therapy. It was one way that we were able to connect between sessions and I was able to really dig deep and show her my feelings when they came up during the week. It was working for us.

She agreed and we finally stopped all that nonsense. She had me going in circles! I never could figure out why she did that, only to end up saying, "Keep them coming. This works for you. There are many clients that I have suggested journally to, and they have rejected it flat out. It is not something they feel comfortable with. You obviously do, so you need keep on writing!"

She finally said, "We are not going to change anything. I will read your emails and respond to you. I just wanted to make sure why you were sending them."

I was like, "You told me to! You encouraged me to." She replied, 'Yes, and you have done a great job!" I am still spinning a little from that conversation. I sent her an email when I got home to ask her to explain the whole controlling thing.

I am wondering if part of this was her way of getting me to ask for it? To ask her to respond? To ask for what I need? That is where I kinda felt she may have been going with this. I may be wrong, though. She was confusing me with all the questions!

Another part of our session was 'exposure therapy'. I have this fear of her getting too close to me. A couple of weeks ago, I tried letting her sit next to me on the couch. That was awkward to say the least. I was not able to look at her. I only let her sit there about 3 minutes and then said, "Okay, that's enough."

She got up and asked me why that was so hard for me. I said my classic response, "I don't know!" Anyway, I tried that again today. I got up off the couch, removed the pillows and said, "I am going to do this today." She said, "What?"

Squiggle, "I am going to allow you to sit close to me without freaking out!" So we both sat down. Awkward! Then I asked her to change sides. That felt a little better. We talked a bit this way. Me totally not looking at her, though. I did get up the courage to look at her twice. She thought that was great progress! I thought I was being ridiculous!! Why is that so blasted hard for me to do? I am going to do that every session until I get over this and figure out what is going on.

I know what it is. I don't want to get too close to her. Getting physically close represents getting emotionally close. That is where the fear is. If I allow myself to get that close I am afraid of what might happen. I might become attached to her in some way. I do not want that. I am afraid to let myself trust her 100%.

This doesn't sound like the BEST session ever, but it really was. I was so relaxed for the most part. I really talked with her and told her how I felt about things. Normally, I would say, "I don't know" to every questions she would ask. But I did not do that today. I was pretty direct and asked for what I needed.

Wow! That's a lot of talking and a lot of work! No wonder why you said is was the best ever! Really cool! I'm so glad to see the smiley faces on your post. Once I got up the courage to ask my T what he meant by a particulat comment, and I'm so glad I did, because it turned out to be he was being much kinder than I thought.

very good, squiggle, very good! I am so proud of you for being so open, really talking with her, and for allowing yourself to be physically AND emotionally closer to her. You know what, it really is OK to become attached....attachment/trust helps you work deeper on deeper issues, you can really go emotionally deeper if you are emotionally closer. I do know this to be true......even if attachment can hurt at times, trust can be hard, it's still worth it and helpful (both the hurtful and helpful aspects have been so true for me!)
And I see what she means about the controlling factor......you're using your voice in a way that you choose, through writing. You're choosing when to share that, not only in session but between....you're in control of that choice and when you share. You're choosing to ask her for a response, in that way you are asking for/having some control over your therapy too, with her, in a sense. It's not bad control, not being controlling in a negative way.....but having a say in your therapy and in the process! Maybe this doesn't make sense, my head is fuzzy from meds again.....
But I am glad you seem to have it clear with her that email is accepted, that she will respond, and it's something mutual between the 2 of you that you both agree is good for your therapy and boundaries are set to keep it under control!

That makes sense, and it seems like whether control is good or bad would depend on overuse or lack of use in the past. Like is letting go of control and just trusting something that needs to be worked on, or is being brave enough to take control because you've never had it something to be worked on? I think I'm probably an unhealthy blend of both...

That makes sense, and it seems like whether taking control is seen as good or bad would depend on overuse or lack of use in the past. Like is letting go of control and just trusting something that needs to be worked on, or is being brave enough to take control because you've never had it something to be worked on? I think I'm probably an unhealthy blend of both...

She keeps telling me that I have a controlling personality. I think we need to 'explore' that because it hurts my feelings when she says that. I see it as a negative thing. It makes me think I am a bad person who dominates people. I don't dominate people at all. I keep to myself most of the time.

My next assignment should be to 'explore' my personality. Who is Squiggle?

You like to be in control, to have control. So do I. I guess I have a controlling personality too.....I like things in my environment, in my life, in my situation, in my head/heart to be under control, in order, ordered/controlled......the reality is that it doesn't always work that way. You can control some things, but not all things.....you can control yourself. You can't really control other people, their actions/reactions/responses.
So I suppose for me, I am learning both that I can have control in a good way in my therapy, but also that there are times when I need to let go of wanting to control (because it is like manipulation - at least wanting to control/manipulate the emotional responses of others to me, have a safe, positive reaction and not disapproval or rejection.....I try to control my emotions/reactions/actions/words so they don't cause a negative, rejecting reaction in others....so for me, the control/manipulation thing is a self-protective mechanism, not meaning I am a domineering or deceitful or malicious sort of person. T and I have talked about this a lot!).
Letting go of control is like trusting that the other person's reaction/response will be OK, that things will still be OK even if it isn't the reaction/response I want.....I can still be in control of my response to that.....
I feel the need for control, to be controlled in myself, because growing up my environment was so uncontrolled, emotionally and otherwise, I think. People I lived with were so out of control.... Also because my emotional interior has always been so stormy, feeling so disordered, I have tried to keep in order, control what I can.....I have tried to appear controlled, be controlled, because I really feel so uncontrolled. Maybe some of this is similar for you, with your situation, externally and internally?
Anyway, I think an assignment like that, to explore your personality, will be a huge one......good luck!

So glad it went so well for you. Great job!

My user name in here was chosen as a representation of my personality. I think it fits! At one time I wanted to change it because it sounds so 'silly'. But I changed my mind. I like it!

(((((((((((Squiggle)))))) WOW! What awesome progress!!! You were so honest!
That is exactly what it takes. Keep on doing this. Keep on staying present with yourself and your emotions. Keep on letting T know exactly what is going on.

Hey WePow. I have missed you! I do see this as progress. As for the allowing her to sit by me, that is so ridiculous. It feels really stupid to ask her to do that. She is so tiny. I felt like an elephant sitting by a squirrel!

For some reason, I am putting up this boundary between us. I will only allow her to get 'so' close. Not too close, though. If she touched me, I would feel really awkward. Not sure if this is because of all the issues about therapists not touching their clients, or if I have a problem of some kind that I am not aware or.

I am not really a huggy, touchy feely person, but I don't have a problem with people hugging me or touching me. I am just not normally the one to initiate it. I can receive it and give it back, though. So, why is it so different with her? That is the question I am trying to figure out.

Once I get past the issue of her sitting by me, I am going to ask her to touch me. Maybe just lay her hand on my arm or something. Let me sit with that emotion for a minute. Not sure if she will do that since she does have the no-touch boundary, but I hope that by the time I get to that point, she will see it as something that is necessary for my healing.

Why do I think these things up? I am making a list of things that I need to overcome. In other words, making a torture list!

You are thinking "these things up" because you are healing! You know what you need to heal - to address these things. You have access to the medical mental health-care you need to work through the issues. I think you are just being one smart cookie!
:-)

I know I am beating a dead horse with this, but it is driving me crazy trying to figure out exactly what she meant. Sometimes I think I need to take a notepad with me to therapy. When I don't understand something, I can ask her to write down her response/reasoning BEFORE I ever leave the session that day. That way I have it in black and white and maybe I won't be second guessing what she meant. Just an idea.

One thing I forgot to tell her about email is that when we do this, I have things in print. I can go back and read and reread what we talked about. It helps me to clarify what is, and is not, being said. When you sit in a session, you have so many emotions going on. It is hard to decifer what she actually said, and what you 'thought' she said.

I have started a real journal for this week. Date, and then my thoughts for that day. She is on vacation this week (but in town) and I am not going to email her! I am determined not to. I really am not in an emotional uproar about anything in particular, so I don't think this will be too hard.

I am interested to see how my emotional state may change as the week progresses. Will it bother me to not have contact with her? Will I see that I am okay without it? Will this help me to clarify exactly what the email communication is about?

Maybe I will post my daily journal entries. You can see how I process and progress (or regress).

It sounds like you had a great session that is really encouraging for a lot of future progress, which can be a great feeling. Enjoy it!

Great work Squiggle. Do you think her being close to you is uncomfortable because she can "see" you better? Also, if she is closer maybe she can penetrate your "guard"?

I have had to work on the controlling stuff too. I think we learn to do that to protect ourselves but in the end it just makes a whole lot of work for us. Learning how to not control things comes from realizing that we are safe and we don't need to do this.