[zooropa]

trigger icon for mention of SI..

this is about some seemingly unrelated topics, but really it is all related. It is all the process I'm going through of putting myself back together after being torn apart in this rupture with T.

I've been spending some time each day reaching down inside and envisioning myself being the mother to the little-zoo inside me. Does that make sense? I have this little-zoo, this scared, sad, hurt little girl. She is so afraid of being alone. She is tired of being held for a while and then dropped again.

I picture myself as I am now reaching down and picking her up. I hold her and I rock her and I tell her that I promise I won't ever leave her, I won't ever drop her, I won't ever stop loving her. Ever ever ever. It is incredibly soothing.

I noticed that when I self harm I have a harder time finding that little girl, a harder time connecting with her. That is going a long way toward helping me want to stop cutting.

Along with that I have obviously been thinking a lot about therapy and about this rupture with my T. I had a moment of clarity where I realized that there is not a "right" or "wrong" thing for me to do at this point. I can make a decision and make the best of it without worrying that it was the wrong choice. And that by doing that I empower myself to know that I can make good decisons.

After a couple of days of mulling that over I sent my T an email. It was short. It basically said that I don't think there is a way to come back from this kind of rupture, that I opened myself up to her and in doing so I taught her the best ways to hurt me, trusting that she woudn't. And then she did. If I trusted her again I would be a fool. I finished by saying I need to just be done, and so I am.

What is surprising in all this is how I almost immediately felt lighter and filled with energy when I sent that email. I am a little on edge, fearing a reply from her, but I actually don't think she will reply. I hope she doesn't. I just want to be done. I just want to heal from this. I just don't want to get hurt any more.

[learning1]

Wow, that sounds very positive and you're being really strong zoo. I like the remembering to hold the little zoo.

If you need support from another person or t in the future, I hope you will be able to try another t and find one who is able to support you better.

[zooropa]

oh, yeah. I don't think I am done with therapy, and I hope someday I can find another T. I also don't discount all the ways my T did help me in 2.5 years of seeing her, and how much progress I have made in that time.

All my life I've just clung to whatever came along. It was that way with T, too. I was told to go to DBT and given this appointment to do an intake with T, and that's how it started. And T did a good job of giving me something to hold onto during some of the worst months of my life.

I just think maybe now I'm starting to be ready to make my own path and not cling like a drowning person to whatever floats past. I am not so close to death, I am not on the verge of drowning. I can stand up and realize the water isn't even over my head. I can stand and just breathe.

[swimmergirl]

You sound at peace, zoo. (((((((((zoo))))))))))

I think you are right that there is no right or wrong decision. You obviously have put a lot of thought into this. I like the visual imagery of holding little zoo, taking care of your inner child. I need to do that more as well.

Whether this break is temporary or permanent, it sounds like this is a good path for you. Life's journey is enjoyed along on the path, not always in the destination.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I need to just be done, and so I am.

This resonates with me so much, because I am currently in this place myself. Isn't it amusing that when you really decide it to be "done" with a T, it is. I am glad you are finding some peace in all of this.

Taking care of the inner child...that's awesome, I've yet to come to the place that I can think of mine without hating her. You give me something to think about working towards.

Good luck zoo...I hope the peace stays.

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I just think maybe now I'm starting to be ready to make my own path and not cling like a drowning person to whatever floats past. I am not so close to death, I am not on the verge of drowning. I can stand up and realize the water isn't even over my head. I can stand and just breathe.

wow zoo, this is very powerful!!!

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I had a moment of clarity where I realized that there is not a "right" or "wrong" thing for me to do at this point. I can make a decision and make the best of it without worrying that it was the wrong choice.

I found this helpful, thank you for sharing it.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I've been spending some time each day reaching down inside and envisioning myself being the mother to the little-zoo inside me. Does that make sense? I have this little-zoo, this scared, sad, hurt little girl. She is so afraid of being alone. She is tired of being held for a while and then dropped again.

I picture myself as I am now reaching down and picking her up. I hold her and I rock her and I tell her that I promise I won't ever leave her, I won't ever drop her, I won't ever stop loving her. Ever ever ever. It is incredibly soothing.

I noticed that when I self harm I have a harder time finding that little girl, a harder time connecting with her. That is going a long way toward helping me want to stop cutting. I love this! YOu are protecting little zoo and healing yourself so that you CAN help little zoo......

Along with that I have obviously been thinking a lot about therapy and about this rupture with my T. I had a moment of clarity where I realized that there is not a "right" or "wrong" thing for me to do at this point. I can make a decision and make the best of it without worrying that it was the wrong choice. And that by doing that I empower myself to know that I can make good decisons. I love this too......empowering yourself to make good decisions........

After a couple of days of mulling that over I sent my T an email. It was short. It basically said that I don't think there is a way to come back from this kind of rupture, that I opened myself up to her and in doing so I taught her the best ways to hurt me, trusting that she woudn't. And then she did. If I trusted her again I would be a fool. I finished by saying I need to just be done, and so I am.

What is surprising in all this is how I almost immediately felt lighter and filled with energy when I sent that email. I am a little on edge, fearing a reply from her, but I actually don't think she will reply. I hope she doesn't. I just want to be done. I just want to heal from this. I just don't want to get hurt any more.

Interesting that you felt lighter......liberty in making the right decision maybe?

Originally Posted by zooropa

oh, yeah. I don't think I am done with therapy, and I hope someday I can find another T. I also don't discount all the ways my T did help me in 2.5 years of seeing her, and how much progress I have made in that time.

All my life I've just clung to whatever came along. It was that way with T, too. I was told to go to DBT and given this appointment to do an intake with T, and that's how it started. And T did a good job of giving me something to hold onto during some of the worst months of my life.

I just think maybe now I'm starting to be ready to make my own path and not cling like a drowning person to whatever floats past. I am not so close to death, I am not on the verge of drowning. I can stand up and realize the water isn't even over my head. I can stand and just breathe.

I love this last statement too, profound!

[googley]

(((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

I'm glad that you were able to make a decision. I believe in you. I hope that you stay in contact with us here at PC if you feel that it is a good decision for you. We care about you so much.

[WePow]

(((((Zoo))))) Sometimes the only way forward is to take a step back.

It sounds like you are trying to do what is best for little Zoo. That is vital.
As you know, therapy should heal us, not hurt us. It hurts to heal sometimes, but when the bottom line is more pain than healing, it may be time to move to a different way of doing things.

BIG hugs to you and little Zoo !!!

[TayQuincy]

I think sometimes when we are in the most pain, that's when the real breakthroughs come.

[jexa]

zoo I popped in again for a minute and then I saw this post of yours.

I love so many of the things you have said here. About taking care of that little girl, making that commitment to her that you will take care of her and protect her and that you will never leave her. About not drowning, you can just stand up in the water, you are okay, you can breathe.. That imagery especially zoo, is so incredibly powerful. I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that this is the place you are finding yourself right now.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I will think of you and your little girl today, and send healing thoughts toward you both

[zooropa]

Thank you all so much for your replies. There is so much here I want to respond to, but first:

I am trying to hold on to that feeling that I can stand on my own, that I can breathe.

I confess, though, that something is holding me back from cancelling my ride to t on Monday. I'm not sure what it is, but I guess part of me hopes to hear something from T, something that will help, will fix this all, will make me want to see her.

I'm just such a mess of conflicting emotions. Is that OK?

[googley]

((((((((((Zoo))))))))))

It is totally okay to be a conflicting mess of emotions. I think everyone ends up there once in a while. We are listening. Keep talking.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm just such a mess of conflicting emotions. Is that OK?

Not only ok, but completely understandable

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

This resonates with me so much, because I am currently in this place myself. Isn't it amusing that when you really decide it to be "done" with a T, it is. I am glad you are finding some peace in all of this.

Taking care of the inner child...that's awesome, I've yet to come to the place that I can think of mine without hating her. You give me something to think about working towards.

Good luck zoo...I hope the peace stays.

I hope it does, too. Or that it comes again, as it will surely go, like all emotions.

It has taken me a long time to be able to think very much about my inner child. A long time.

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

Interesting that you felt lighter......liberty in making the right decision maybe?

I love this last statement too, profound!

that's the thing, I think it was the liberation of knowing there isn't a right decision. Knowing that took away a lot of worries and self-doubt.

Originally Posted by googley

(((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

I'm glad that you were able to make a decision. I believe in you. I hope that you stay in contact with us here at PC if you feel that it is a good decision for you. We care about you so much.

Oh, googley, I plan on staying here, regardless of what happens with T. Unless it turns out to be too painful, reading about other people's sessions if I'm not going to my own. We'll see.

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((Zoo))))) Sometimes the only way forward is to take a step back.

It sounds like you are trying to do what is best for little Zoo. That is vital.
As you know, therapy should heal us, not hurt us. It hurts to heal sometimes, but when the bottom line is more pain than healing, it may be time to move to a different way of doing things.

BIG hugs to you and little Zoo !!!

thank you, wepow. You are such a strong and wise person. It means a lot to me to know that you understand what I'm doing. Also, reading your posts has shown me that it's okay to say "that's it, I'm done with T forever this time" and then still find the strength or the will to go back. It helps me to know it's ok to change my mind as many times as I need to.

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

I think sometimes when we are in the most pain, that's when the real breakthroughs come.

this process, as incredibly painful as it has been, has taught me a LOT and made me stronger and moved me a long in my recovery. I can see that, even though I hate to admit it because I still have a lot of hurt and anger towards my T for how this all went down.

Originally Posted by jexa

I love so many of the things you have said here. About taking care of that little girl, making that commitment to her that you will take care of her and protect her and that you will never leave her. About not drowning, you can just stand up in the water, you are okay, you can breathe.. That imagery especially zoo, is so incredibly powerful. I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that this is the place you are finding yourself right now.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I will think of you and your little girl today, and send healing thoughts toward you both

and Jexa, thank you, too. Your words I bolded above made me feel like I have some more room to breathe, that if those feelings of peace and strength don't stay every moment it doesn't mean they weren't real, it doesn't mean they won't come back. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but in my head it does.

[WePow]

((((((Zoo))))))

Yes. It IS ok to have both emotions - the need to be with T and the need to not be with T.

A big part of healing in therapy is growing up emotionally. Learning how to take care of little Zoo is a big part of that process. The thing is that you (and I) are almost like emotional teens trying to raise a young sibbling. We desire the adult ability to handle these things in healthy ways, but we still don't have the skills.

Allow yourself this space and room to grow. Ts know that this is all a part of the healing journey.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by zooropa

Thank you all so much for your replies. There is so much here I want to respond to, but first:

I am trying to hold on to that feeling that I can stand on my own, that I can breathe.

I confess, though, that something is holding me back from cancelling my ride to t on Monday. I'm not sure what it is, but I guess part of me hopes to hear something from T, something that will help, will fix this all, will make me want to see her.

I'm just such a mess of conflicting emotions. Is that OK?

yes, it is OK! it's fairly normal, I think......I know it is for me!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((((Zoo))))))

Yes. It IS ok to have both emotions - the need to be with T and the need to not be with T.

A big part of healing in therapy is growing up emotionally. Learning how to take care of little Zoo is a big part of that process. The thing is that you (and I) are almost like emotional teens trying to raise a young sibbling. We desire the adult ability to handle these things in healthy ways, but we still don't have the skills.

Allow yourself this space and room to grow. Ts know that this is all a part of the healing journey.

I wonder if my T does know that. She feels so far away, it's amazing to me to think I saw her just last Monday. When I think of her it feels like I haven't seen or spoken to her for years. I can't imagine how I ever felt close to this person that seems almost a stranger to me now.

I wonder if this is my way of protecting myself, my way of distancing from T so the parting won't hurt as much. I say this because it feels almost dissociative to me, the way I can't hold T in my mind, the way I can't remember how I felt about her or how her words could heal me. It feels like looking at someone else's home movies.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I wonder if my T does know that. She feels so far away, it's amazing to me to think I saw her just last Monday. When I think of her it feels like I haven't seen or spoken to her for years. I can't imagine how I ever felt close to this person that seems almost a stranger to me now.

I wonder if this is my way of protecting myself, my way of distancing from T so the parting won't hurt as much. I say this because it feels almost dissociative to me, the way I can't hold T in my mind, the way I can't remember how I felt about her or how her words could heal me. It feels like looking at someone else's home movies.

maybe like a drifting apart, rather than a dissociation; a distancing? but dissociation is like a separation I guess.....and goodbye is a separation, a dissociation from being so involved with someone, perhaps! sorry, got that muddled.......
actually, I have felt this about my T too at times recently, when I am not with her, she seems far away, but I see it is because my attachment to her has evolved and is not the desperate clinginess it was. I recognize that I still need her, but don't feel so in love with her, I guess it is!So it's a change in the way I feel about her.....but not being ready for goodbye yet at all, I know that. I still need her and need therapy......

[rainbow8]

zoo, I sense your feeling of peace even though you aren't sure what you are going to do. I think the liberation comes from knowing that you have a choice--to quit therapy or not. Also knowing there is no right or wrong can be liberating. I have problems with decisions and choices so I understand the mixed feelings. When I finally decided to quit my T, I knew inside that it was the correct decision. I think you will know too.

I'm glad you could access your inner child. My T keeps telling me that I am always there for my little parts, and I can comfort the scared child any time I need to. It's not easy, and you give me hope that it's possible!

Good luck with your session!

[WePow]

You may well be protecting yourself. That would be very natural... to protect little Zoo by pulling away.

Just keep witnessing your emotions as the move like waves. Don't try to stop the tide... just be observant of it.