Wanting T to punish me

Sometimes I feel like I want my T to punish me. I emailed her that I was sorry about finding information about her parents (in the early weeks of therapy) and that I wanted her to punish me. It came up because, in my email a few days ago I mentioned their name for something (not going to explain but it has to do with my T, not me). I apologized to her at the time I looked them up, but I did again in the email I just wrote.

I said that I was bad and wanted to be punished. I didn't tell her but I suppose I will, that the feelings get mixed up with wanting to be spanked, and that spanking will feel good. It's confusing. Of course there's the stuff with my brother, so it could be that I feel I'm bad because of that, and want to be punished for that too. Plus feeling bad about all of my physical/sexual feelings.

I was a "good" girl and I don't think my parents ever had to punish me, but I know my brother was always being threatened by my Mom that he was going to "get the strap" when my Dad came home. Before anyone jumps on that statement, when my brother and I were growing up, it was common for parents to hit their kids, and wasn't considered the "sin" it is today.

So, maybe I equate being spanked and being punished with being loved? It's really partly a fantasy; I don't REALLY want my T to spank me.

Does anyone relate to these kinds of feelings?

Oooh, sounds like good transference stuff to talk to your T about!

I had the thought (going at it like I would one of my dreams) that any "touch" by T would feel good and sounds like you mostly had the threat (but never realized) negative spanking touch from your parents? I do remember when my stepmother spanked me once, when we had only been together less than a year, and then held me, both of us crying, as she apologized (and explained how it hurt her more than it did me :-) and I remember that because the holding we did was "genuine" and very rare on her part later. I could see if I had gotten that and the spanking merged?

Every night before I go to bed, I have my husband give me a pat on the bottom; I don't know what that is but you know how you might pat a baby on the bottom when they're in their thick diapers/pants? I find my husband's gentle pat very comforting and reassuring/loving. However, I also saw my father pat my stepmother on the bottom that way when I was young, as he would be passing her in the kitchen or before kissing her or something. Just a friendly pat like what my husband gives me. I knew, very deeply, that my father and stepmother loved one another.

Perhaps maybe what you want is for your therapist to set some clearer boundaries on behavior, because certainly loving your kids means setting boundaries to keep them safe and secure. They can be very containing.

Just an idea, because, I'm sorry, but I can not relate with wanting my therapist to hit me in any way. Maintain a clear, therapeutic, consistent frame, definitely.

Also, I think hitting children in any context is wrong. I would not put sin in quotes personally. Just because it was common, doesn't mean it was correct.

But I do hear you and I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I will be very interested in what your therapist has to say.

Peace.

Thanks, Perna. That's interesting about your stepmother and you. I want to clarify. I was never threatened to be hit, only my brother was. Yes, I agree that it's important for therapy!

ellimay: Thanks! I don't want my T to hit me, or at least not hurt me. I think there's the wanting to be punished aspect, and the spanking part. Maybe separate fantasies, but both transference.

I think hitting kids is wrong also. But what about "spare the rod, spoil the child?" Maybe I was jealous that my brother got punished and I didn't? He got more attention? I'm not sure if he actually got spanked very much, but I remember my Dad's strap hanging over the closet door. My Dad was a mild-mannered person, and so was my Mom. I know that spanking, though I'm not sure about the belt, was common. Again, I'm not trying to condone it, just explain!

I have never wanted him to touch me in any way, but I can relate to this by wanting him to get angry with me when I confessed stuff like not eating or whatever. It was confusing because I'm terrified of anger yet I wanted him to express it. I think now that it was because I was only ever used to getting either anger or nothing at all as a reaction from my parents, so if there's no anger, it meant I was going to be ignored. Instead, my T was just calm and said we could work through it. At first I was a little disappointed and confused, but since he's had what's best for me in mind so far, I'm just going to trust him on it.

And I'll also verify that, yes, spankings and belts were very common, so much so that many many people assumed they were perfectly okay.

I relate in a way, to wanting T to punish me, not to hit me, but to firmly deal with me, to hurt me with words, to confirm for me I was bad and wrong. SHe was/is very aware of this transference I have, it comes from my childhood when I was punished often and severely and so I expect it when I make mistakes or do or say something wrong. So I pushed and pushed against the boundaries trying to get T to punish me, to see if she would, to see if she would hurt me, or if she would at least discipline me and give consequences. I wanted too to see where the boundaries were.....and now I know where they are and that they are there to stay!
Well, in a sense, losing the hugs felt like I accomplished that........that she hurt me, punished me. Only in talking about it, that isn't the case, not on her part. I may have experienced it that way at first because of my patterns, yet her intent was to clarify and firm up the boundaries and make them very clear and definite, no punishment, but yet the boundary setting a parent might do. ANd that a T HAS to do for the protection and the good of both client and T.......
I would say that perhaps you have a parental transference ? to iron out here, and that maybe you do really want T to come down definitely with clearer and firmer boundary setting! You maybe feel like you did do something wrong and want T to tell you that or confirm that for you too.....maybe you want to absolve a certain guilt attached to it. Maybe all T will do is graciously accept your apology......
SOrry this is such a long answer.....

Rainbow, while I don't want my T to hurt me physically, I can understand the need for wanting T to "punish" you. I think it will be great for you to discuss it with her. In my case, I find myself just wanting T to get angry at me and yell at me for things like if I am avoiding a topic or not accepting her point on something even when she is right. I never pushed her boundaries, but I do get very frustrated when she remains calm and soft spoken ALL THE TIME. I think you are just experiencing the everyday parental transferrence that T's see all the time. Please let us know her response to you, if you want to share. I'm interested to see what she says, as I am trying to come up with a way to tell my T that her being so nice all the time frustrates me.

i was abused growing up physically so when you say you want your t to spank you, i don't get it; even because of the transference...

maybe because i am coming at this from a different slant

i can kinda understand the angry part, but i am usually afraid of t being mad, mad=pain, rejection, yelling and abandonment

i would definitely talk to your t about this!!!!

sending safe hugs

jbmomg: I don't get it either, but I think it has to do with intensity/excitement/sex, not about wanting to be hurt.

On the other hand, it's also about feeling "bad" about myself for acting selfishly and wrongly. Some of my behavior with Ts borders on stalking, like when I used to watch a T through her window. I'm not so happy about needing to go past my current T's house, either. I'm bad for not being able to control myself.

I'm also bad for some other stuff I do.
I just wish my T would punish me or hold me. I know I'm awfully confused. I don't see her until Wednesday and I miss her a lot this week. The EMDR session last week stirred up a lot of yukky feelings.

I don't know why I put a trigger warning, maybe because this was so emotionally draining for me to write. Just be careful.

Hi Rainbow,

I read your thread when you first posted, and it struck a chord with me, but it took me a while to figure out what it was that I connected with.

I've had a similar experience with my T, but in a emotional instead of physical sense. There have been times where there has been intense transference where I have wanted my T to be angry with me and be mean to me. I wanted her to be verbally abusive. In some sick and twisted way, I felt that if she behaved this way, then I would know that she cared. There were three parts to this. 1) I felt that I could trust her if she was showing me negative feelings towards me. I felt that I could not trust her expressions of caring and concern and belief in me, because she could just be making those up. But it didn't seem logical in my head for people to make up angry feelings, so those I could trust. 2) I wanted her to reinforce how I felt about myself. I felt bad and awful and dirty, so I want/ed her to tell me that these things were true. So that I would know that the way I was viewing myself was right. 3) Growing up, my mom was verbally abusive. She would go back and forth between telling me she cared about me and calling me a f****** b****. So inside (I think) I feel like if someone is abusive towards me, then it means they care. It means they are taking the energy and time to give me attention (even negative attention). That I can't disentangle the two. I was so starved for attention as a kid that any attention was better than no attention (though I wasn't one to act out to get it). So I wanted my T to show me that she cared through the same behaviors that I felt my mom did.

I don't know if any of this is what you are experiencing. But I thought I would throw it out there as food for thought.

Would her punishing you relieve you from your guilt?

if t punished you; does this mean that "she would really know you" ?

and by not punishing you, you are afraid that the truth will some how come out and t will leave you????? when she finds out how bad you really are???

i am not saying you are bad,,,, just trying to figure this out...you are not bad... just one of the reasons i need my t to hate me...

if he hates me then he cannot hurt me, because he never liked me to begin with??????

sorry if i am way out in left field

sending safe hugs

Hey,

I can't say I have personally felt this as I really want love and comfort from my therapist (which she also cannot give) but I think you are very brave to admit it and the feelings it brings up for you and I really commend you for that!

I think as a child messages can get mixed up meaning we relate to things in ways that may seem odd to others. I think in a way this is were a lot of sexual fetishes come from. e.g. if the first "sexual" self touch or unfortunately abuse, that felt pleasurable was related to a particular object, that can lead to seeing that object and feeling aroused by it in adult hood if the imprint of the connection sticks in some way.

x