[geez]

I'm stewing right now. In my appt today I was talking about my marriage, sex life and an argument I had with my husband recently. T told me it sounds like it's all about me not him and what is it that makes me feel like I'm always being attacked like I'm sensitive to certain things. WTF??????????

My mom always would tell me I was too sensitive whenever she hurt me emotionally. My husband told me I was too sensitive during out argument today. What's up with everyone?? Is T right?? WTH?? I'm so hurt and angry right now (or would the word be SENSITIVE ).

Perhaps an email to T is in order? I don't want to sit with this for two weeks but at the same time I don't want to piss T off. I feel that as angry and sad as I feel right now she's all I have to help me. And everyone here on PC of course .

[Rapunzel]

Sensitivity is a trait that a lot of us are born with and/or learn early in life. It means that we can be more vulnerable to feeling hurt by things that someone else doesn't understand readily. It can also be a strength, because we are aware of things when not everyone is aware, and that is sometimes very useful. So, sensitivity isn't necessarily good or bad. Just not always understood.

When someone tells you that you are sensitive, what do you think they mean by that? Maybe it sounds like they are judging you for being hurt. They might really mean that they didn't mean to hurt you and they don't understand what happened (even if they don't know to say it in those words).

In therapy, validating your feelings and experiences is important, and it sounds like you needed more validation of your emotions. Another task in therapy is to identify the patterns - things that keep happening over and over - and see what you can do to change things. When you get feedback about being sensitive, what do you do with that? Is it working? Therapy can't change the people you interact with, but it can help you to make sense of what happens in your life so that you can know how to deal with it and change what you can control (your own thoughts and actions) to make it work better for you.

If you keep getting feedback about being sensitive, then what will you do with that feedback? Is there any truth in it? How can you make use of that knowledge?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Many of us are sensitive.

It is not a crime!

I am sensitive, too.

Perhaps it is more difficult for many of us to deal with stuff, but that does not make us bad or ugly or anything.

Many ppl do get frustrated with our sensitivity and it's about them not us. They really want to help and even try to control the situation so that they don't have to see us hurting; it's painful for them.

But it is NOT because we are bad.

it is not a crime.

It is not something to feel guilty about.

I am so glad you brought th is up.

And I wish I had answers, too. I wish I could make your relationship all better. I feel for you.

My aunt, who raised me, often told me I was "sensitive" and had a "bad attitude" and I often cried about it; it hurt so much.

Billi

[seventyeight]

geez,

yes, you are sensitive. i just want to point out that it was this sensitivity that (at 4:40 today, in tree's thread) helped me to feel better about myself.

but i do think that emailing your therapist is better than sitting on it for two weeks..

78

[ECHOES]

I'm thinking you heard "sensitive" as "too sensitive" or "overly sensitive".
Do you suppose T just meant "sensitive".. as opposed to insensitive... ?

[granite1]

i tend to be very sensitive and i don't think i would ever want to change this.it makes me who i am.but i feel i need to channel that sensitivity accordingly so as not to be eaten up bye the world.nope not doing a great job of it but i don't like the alternatives.

has your T ever gotten real mad at you?if not i am sure she wont get mad at you letting her know how you feel about your last session.i would hope she would be understanding

[Sannah]

Reminds me of when whatever comment that anyone would make about me I would take it negatively and get defensive. "Yeah I'm smart but I needed to be smart in this situation!" (Just kidding!) I have made some progress on this..........

[geez]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

When someone tells you that you are sensitive, what do you think they mean by that? Maybe it sounds like they are judging you for being hurt.

They might really mean that they didn't mean to hurt you and they don't understand what happened (even if they don't know to say it in those words).

When you get feedback about being sensitive, what do you do with that? Is it working?

If you keep getting feedback about being sensitive, then what will you do with that feedback? Is there any truth in it? How can you make use of that knowledge?

Thank you for your insight Rapunzel..

When someone tells me I'm sensitive to me it means that my feelings are out of bounds for the situation. That I don't have the right to my feelings of hurt or disappointment etc..

When I get feedback about being sensitive I get defensive. I've spent my entire life not being 'sensitive'. Not being sensitive by shutting my emotions down as a way to survive. Hiding my emotions as it was not acceptable to show them as a child. Now when I do show my emotions or talk about what has bothered me I'm sensitive. I feel like I'm in one of two roles either I'm a child that sits there and 'takes it' and says nothing or I say something and then I'm 'sensitive'.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I'm thinking you heard "sensitive" as "too sensitive" or "overly sensitive".
Do you suppose T just meant "sensitive".. as opposed to insensitive... ?

I heard the word sensitive but my interpretation = I'm too sensitive.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Reminds me of when whatever comment that anyone would make about me I would take it negatively and get defensive. "Yeah I'm smart but I needed to be smart in this situation!" (Just kidding!) I have made some progress on this..........

I'm finding this frustrating to say the least. How does one become unsensitive?

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by geez

I'm stewing right now. In my appt today I was talking about my marriage, sex life and an argument I had with my husband recently. T told me it sounds like it's all about me not him and what is it that makes me feel like I'm always being attacked like I'm sensitive to certain things. WTF??????????

My mom always would tell me I was too sensitive whenever she hurt me emotionally. My husband told me I was too sensitive during out argument today. What's up with everyone?? Is T right?? WTH?? I'm so hurt and angry right now (or would the word be SENSITIVE ).

Perhaps an email to T is in order? I don't want to sit with this for two weeks but at the same time I don't want to piss T off. I feel that as angry and sad as I feel right now she's all I have to help me. And everyone here on PC of course .

if "sensitive" is being used as a pejorative, then i think both your hubby and your therapist are wrong to say that.

obviously, we all have our sensitivities. we all have those areas of insecurity that, when poked, hurt more than other areas. it may be a person's weight, level of education, social status, etc. the list goes on and on and on.....and i think that when people are close to you and learn those sensitive areas and then intentionally poke at them, and turn around and call you sensitive...its abusive.

as for your therapist...if she is trying to get you to examine those areas of sensitivity and understand why they exist, thats one thing. otherwise, it sounds like just piling on and thats only going to lead to you becoming defensive. which i dont think is a helpful way to be in therapy.

[geez]

I just sent this and I'm sure I won't be getting a response until I see her in person in a few weeks....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forgive me if I’m not getting my thoughts across correctly but I’ve been stewing about this all day. In today’s appt you mentioned that I seem to be sensitive to things that are said to me. In addition to you saying that I’m sensitive I’ve also heard my mom say that my whole life (usually after she say something hurtful or invalidates my feelings). C in turn says the same thing about me like today when we had the argument/exchange. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with being sensitive?????? I get the impression that being sensitive is a bad thing?

If I can somehow magically make being sensitive go away then my problems will go away because nothing will bother me?

Sorry for sending you the now second email of the day. Have a good vacation.

- geez

[geez]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

if "sensitive" is being used as a pejorative, then i think both your hubby and your therapist are wrong to say that.

and i think that when people are close to you and learn those sensitive areas and then intentionally poke at them, and turn around and call you sensitive...its abusive.

as for your therapist...if she is trying to get you to examine those areas of sensitivity and understand why they exist, thats one thing.

In a nut shell today my husband asked me if I was going to return some water bottles I purchased and I told him yes. He asked me why I decided to return them and I told him that the cap/valve doesn't work properly so they are going back to the store. He then said: "it's not user error?". I of course took his reply to mean that I don't know what I'm talking or how to use the bottles.
My reply: "no it's the engineer's error" (my husband happens to be an engineer) and then the argument starts from there and he said that I'm sensitive and he can't say anything right without me getting angry at him?

I told this to my T and she said that I'm sensitive to things he says to me and I explained to her why I felt attacked.

I hope some of that helps give everyone a better understanding of the 'situation'. I think in some cases I am 'sensitive' in a bad way meaning I think people's intentions are bad when they may not be. I guess I don't know the difference or I assume anytime I'm questioned I'm feeling like my emotions/feelings are being attacked or invalidated.

I think my T is trying to get me to understand my sensitivities and feelings. I don't think that she was trying to invalidate my feelings (that's what I'm telling myself to feel better) but it sure felt that way to me but then again I've jumped to that conclusion before and I have been wrong.

Thank you for posting Dr. Muffin and I agree that intentionally pushing someone's 'buttons' and then telling them they are sensitive is abuse. I grew up that way so I know what that's like.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by geez

In a nut shell today my husband asked me if I was going to return some water bottles I purchased and I told him yes. He asked me why I decided to return them and I told him that the cap/valve doesn't work properly so they are going back to the store. He then said: "it's not user error?". I of course took his reply to mean that I don't know what I'm talking or how to use the bottles.
My reply: "no it's the engineer's error" (my husband happens to be an engineer) and then the argument starts from there and he said that I'm sensitive and he can't say anything right without me getting angry at him?

I told this to my T and she said that I'm sensitive to things he says to me and I explained to her why I felt attacked.

I hope some of that helps give everyone a better understanding of the 'situation'. I think in some cases I am 'sensitive' in a bad way meaning I think people's intentions are bad when they may not be. I guess I don't know the difference or I assume anytime I'm questioned I'm feeling like my emotions/feelings are being attacked or invalidated.

I think my T is trying to get me to understand my sensitivities and feelings. I don't think that she was trying to invalidate my feelings (that's what I'm telling myself to feel better) but it sure felt that way to me but then again I've jumped to that conclusion before and I have been wrong.

Thank you for posting Dr. Muffin and I agree that intentionally pushing someone's 'buttons' and then telling them they are sensitive is abuse. I grew up that way so I know what that's like.

Wow, that argument sounds SO similar to my engineer ex b-f. Are engineers some other species or something? (sorry ). To me, any normal person would understand that "It's not user error" is rather rude and inconsiderate. What I learned with my ex-bf, is that some people are INCREDIBLY oblivious about feelings. He is just almost totally logical and much more aware of the water bottles (or whatever object the argument is about) than of the person he's talking to. (Gotta appreciate how good they are at fixing stuff tho.) I got to the point I could feel sorry for my ex-bf for not knowing how to understand or pay attention to people's feelings like a "normal" person would. And I could understand that he genuinely didn't have a clue why I got hurt and upset. He didn't mean to upset me, it just never occurred to him to think about whether he'd upset anyone. The lack of effort to pay attention to people's feelings isn't really acceptable either, but understanding he really didn't know how to understand people helped some. Hopefully your husband isn't as extreme as my ex, if he's even the same at all (IDK). If you think he might be similar, one thing that helped me understand and deal with stuff better was reading about my ex's MBTI personality type. There's a lot of info online.

BTW, couples therapy was excruciating sometimes when it felt like t was blaming me when I got upset with my ex. I'm glad I did it tho.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by geez

In a nut shell today my husband asked me if I was going to return some water bottles I purchased and I told him yes. He asked me why I decided to return them and I told him that the cap/valve doesn't work properly so they are going back to the store. He then said: "it's not user error?". I of course took his reply to mean that I don't know what I'm talking or how to use the bottles.
My reply: "no it's the engineer's error" (my husband happens to be an engineer) and then the argument starts from there and he said that I'm sensitive and he can't say anything right without me getting angry at him?

I told this to my T and she said that I'm sensitive to things he says to me and I explained to her why I felt attacked.

I hope some of that helps give everyone a better understanding of the 'situation'. I think in some cases I am 'sensitive' in a bad way meaning I think people's intentions are bad when they may not be. I guess I don't know the difference or I assume anytime I'm questioned I'm feeling like my emotions/feelings are being attacked or invalidated.

I think my T is trying to get me to understand my sensitivities and feelings. I don't think that she was trying to invalidate my feelings (that's what I'm telling myself to feel better) but it sure felt that way to me but then again I've jumped to that conclusion before and I have been wrong.

Thank you for posting Dr. Muffin and I agree that intentionally pushing someone's 'buttons' and then telling them they are sensitive is abuse. I grew up that way so I know what that's like.

it does seem that having your reality invalidated is an especially sensitive issue for you....but i still dont think labeling you "sensitive" is helpful.

it might help with hubby if you talked to him about it. clearly, using that word is not useful if he wants to actually communicate with you since it brings up a lot of past hurt....maybe you can ask him to rephrase?

same with your therapist. it seems she wasnt using it in a demeaning way, but maybe that doesnt matter just now. i know i had a client who hated quite a few commonly used words in therapy (like a visceral reaction), so we just had to come up with a new language. maybe thats necessary here...i see what she was saying (as you've presented it) and im sure she could say it in a way that doesnt trigger these feelings of being attacked and invalidated.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm glad you emailed your T, as it seems like something really important was triggered for you that's worth addressing.

[geez]

Originally Posted by learning1

Wow, that argument sounds SO similar to my engineer ex b-f. Are engineers some other species or something? (sorry ). To me, any normal person would understand that "It's not user error" is rather rude and inconsiderate. What I learned with my ex-bf, is that some people are INCREDIBLY oblivious about feelings. He is just almost totally logical and much more aware of the water bottles (or whatever object the argument is about) than of the person he's talking to. (Gotta appreciate how good they are at fixing stuff tho.) I got to the point I could feel sorry for my ex-bf for not knowing how to understand or pay attention to people's feelings like a "normal" person would. And I could understand that he genuinely didn't have a clue why I got hurt and upset. He didn't mean to upset me, it just never occurred to him to think about whether he'd upset anyone. The lack of effort to pay attention to people's feelings isn't really acceptable either, but understanding he really didn't know how to understand people helped some. Hopefully your husband isn't as extreme as my ex, if he's even the same at all (IDK). If you think he might be similar, one thing that helped me understand and deal with stuff better was reading about my ex'
s MBTI personality type. There's a lot of info online.

BTW, couples therapy was excruciating sometimes when it felt like t was blaming me when I got upset with my ex. I'm glad I did it tho.

Thank you so much for posting!!! My husband isn't totally at the far end as your ex was but It's funny about your comment about your ex being oblivious to other people's feelings. After telling my husband what he said was hurtful to me I told him he doesn't realize how some of what he says effects people's feelings (he can be very carring and loving when he's not an a55 btw ). In my argument my husband told me he was feeling attacked and judged because I made my 'engineer' comment. I then told him if he wanted to see attacked and judged I would be telling him he's an a55 or acting like a jerk etc... I was simply trying to communicate to him how what he says effects how I feel.

Couples therapy is out of the question unfortunatly (he thinks we can just talk about it together and it will be fixed - he's a do it yourselfer) - he refuses to go and yet at the same time is great in other ways (great provider, a great father to his kids - just kinda sucks a little bit when it comes to the marriage part in terms of not wanting to go to counseling together).

I'll have to check out the stuff you metioned online. Many Thanks!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Geez >> When someone tells me I'm sensitive to me it means that my feelings are out of bounds for the situation.
Or it means that they don't want to "waste time" (in their estimation) considering how best to approach something, they just want to do or say without thinking. Which is at least immature, IMO
>>> That I don't have the right to my feelings of hurt or disappointment etc..
Right, and that they are negating your right in advance.

Some words are triggers; this one is for me, too,and I yelped when T said that I was sensitive. We talked a good bit about this; she said, wonderingly, "But it's good to be sensitive; I'm sensitive."
I looked at her and said, huh, yes you are, aren't you? realizing that she is also reasonable and authentic.
On her, sensitive looks good. Probably on you too!

[Sannah]

When I look back to where I was and all the work that I have done over the years, I was wounded in my upbringing and as I went through my life my wounds were disturbed here and there and everywhere. People without wounds don't react the way that I did. Therefore, I was sensitive because I had wounds. I don't look back at it that I was bad, it just was. What else could I have done. I was where I was.

Maybe you are being triggered because of what your mother would say to you about this?

Do you feel like you are less intelligent then your husband?

Originally Posted by geez

How does one become unsensitive?

By healing the wounds and triggers.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by geez

Thank you so much for posting!!! My husband isn't totally at the far end as your ex was but It's funny about your comment about your ex being oblivious to other people's feelings. After telling my husband what he said was hurtful to me I told him he doesn't realize how some of what he says effects people's feelings (he can be very carring and loving when he's not an a55 btw ). In my argument my husband told me he was feeling attacked and judged because I made my 'engineer' comment. I then told him if he wanted to see attacked and judged I would be telling him he's an a55 or acting like a jerk etc... I was simply trying to communicate to him how what he says effects how I feel.

I'm thinking about the user error comment, which would have triggered me if my ex had made it. After therapy, I would have tried to calm down before responding, and remind myself that even though ex probably shouldn't have said that, he's really mainly interested in the water bottle puzzle. Whether or not I know what I'm doing is a small side issue that's not really on his mind . Do you think that could be the case with your H? That's good your H isn't as extreme as my ex, so I'm not sure if your H was very aware he was instigating something as he made the user error comment or not.

After I calmed down for a second, I might have responded, calmly, genuinely objectively, by suggesting that he might have been able to avoid hurting my feelings by saying it a little differently. He'd probably say being accurate about the water bottles was more important, and I shouldn't let my feelings get in the way of being accurate. He would partly have a point. And I would hope that eventually, the possibility of prioritizing people's feelings over water bottles sometimes might get through to him.

Originally Posted by geez

Couples therapy is out of the question unfortunatly (he thinks we can just talk about it together and it will be fixed - he's a do it yourselfer) - he refuses to go and yet at the same time is great in other ways (great provider, a great father to his kids - just kinda sucks a little bit when it comes to the marriage part in terms of not wanting to go to counseling together).

I'll have to check out the stuff you metioned online. Many Thanks!

I recently heard or read some tips somewhere on how to get your partner to go to therapy with you. I can't remember where. If you really want him to go with you, maybe your t could give you some tips? He does sound pretty good in a lot of ways tho. And maybe you can do part of what you'd do in couples t in t on your own.

[jazzy123456]

hmmmm... you 'feel' a certain way but, you are 'thinking' that your therapist wasn't trying to intentionally invalidate your point of view. thats an important insight to hold onto...because this reminds us that are feelings aren't always necessarily the truth...Hearing things like "your sensitive"..especially from a therapist, triggers situations from our familes where we felt unheard and it seems to be when we hear the word "sensitive" we correlate it with, "So, your telling me what I feel is not important..." Which, this isn't always the case. Being told your sensitve is a vunerable place to be. It could very well be true that your T wAS only making an observation that you are a sensitive person... in hopes of you at least getting to know yourself on a deeper level........NOT an attack to who you are but, an insight... So yes, keep in mind the differences between what you are "feeling" at any given moment and what you are 'thinking' . We must have awareness.

in regards to sensitivity being a bad thing,

I think anything in life, if it gets distorted or overused, or just used in the wrong way can be bad for us... but, it doesn't have to be.

we can use EVERY human trait for good or for bad.

I am a highly-sensitive person. I have felt invalidated a lot/good portion of my life. I was always told that my feelings we're too Big, too much, that I was making a big deal of things.. and you know what, maybe I was. no doubt in my mind about that...especially those adolescent years!

but, there was also moments where my sensitivity allowed me to let a small child curl up on my shoulder and cry there heart out or serve a homeless man a thanksgiving meal with tears in my eyes...

see, thats what GOOD can be done with my sensitivity.

however, I think with every trait we have, we have to take the Good with the Bad and the BAd with the goood... the people who survive are the people who don't let the bad destroy them but, they place value in the STRENGTHS of there character trait, whether it be, a very punctual, organized person, or a very analytical person...

see, it can all go any way.. I know we've all met the punctual, organized person who got on our nerves because they we're too controlling and bossy and everything had to be so detailed and done the right way... We felt smothered in these moments.
At the same time, we wouldn't be as efficient without them...

every soul in life is needed,

the sensitive, the not-so- sensitive..because, I mean, if Everyone was highly sensitive, that would be bad too...
we need those people who can take heavier hits in life... because we all know, life hits hard.

and each trait has a positive or negative.

a good and a bad side too it.

I typically think my sensitivity is a bad thing (partly, due to our culture...I don't think America is really set up for highly sensitive people)
Regardless, I think sensitive people are valuable in a world
full of so much cruelty and hatred.

I think we offer something unique
and if petty little arguments have to come up in the midst of it all,

Well, maybe thats part of the sacrifice we have to make....If it makes the difference between making a change
in life or standing by the wayside....

just my take on it, coming from a HIGHLY sensitive person.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by geez

what is it that makes me feel like I'm always being attacked

I know the response that one wants to give to this is that, "because I am always being attacked" but that just puts the whole thing on trying to get the rest of the world to not attack you? Can't happen.

So, I get very literal and answer the questions T asks :-) Look at an actual, tiny/microscopic situation and analyze it with T. Why, when someone else thinks the sky is green and says, "Isn't it a pretty green sky" do you take that personally, that, because someone else wants a green sky and in your world it is blue, that it matters so much that they call it blue also? Why can't you just answer, "If you say so!"

Instead of arguing and feeling hurt or attacked; try a little experiment with agreeing with whatever someone else says. Remember that it is what they are saying/feeling about their world, even when they say something about you, and you don't have to like/agree with what they say, but you do have to agree to let them say it since it's "theirs"?

My husband, for example, always compliments me on making him dinner, even if he doesn't like it! I do not take it personally if he does not like it, sometimes I don't like it either! If I am lazy or make a mistake and burn something or it's under-cooked, that does not bother me. I am not the food, my personality/thoughts/wishes are not wrapped up in the food or comments about it or me making it. If he were to say (and he does not), "You're so lazy, the mashed potatoes are lumpy because the potatoes are not cooked long enough" I would just agree. It is true, after all and there's nothing I can do about it now. Maybe I'll respond, "Yes, next time I'll cook them longer."

I understand that there are times when it "hurts" to be told one is lazy, stupid, etc. I had a boss humiliate me publicly about my inability to "make sense" when I talked to him. That too was true but it hurt because I couldn't "help" it. However, I was working hard on helping it in therapy, that was one of the main reasons I was in therapy and so I remembered that and realized that my boss was not helping me with his criticism. I was able to realize that made me angry and think of a plan to deal with his abuse/public humiliation of me and stop it from happening ever again.

What I would suggest is learning to tell the difference, when you are criticized or "hurt" between the truth of something and whether it is or is not that important to you and/or why it is/is not important to you. If something is true, it's good to remember/know, even if it hurts. You cannot know "where" you are, what you think and feel, unless you have points of reference and sometimes those points hurt. Everything someone says to you should be thought about in terms of whether it is true for you or not and then "dealt" with.

If T says, What is it that makes you feel like you are always being attacked," assume you present yourself to the world that way (or she wouldn't "see" that) and think about that question. You either do or do not feel like you are always being attacked. If you do not feel like you are always being attacked, you say, "Gee, I don't think I feel like I am always being attacked, what is it you are seeing that I do not that you think I feel that way?" However, if you instantly "recoil" from what someone says, are instantly hurt, then it is a good thing! It informs you that a "nerve" has been hit. You do probably feel the way the person has observed and need to look at it and dismantle some triggers so you don't always feel like you are being attacked? That's what T is for, to help you with that!

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe you are being triggered because of what your mother would say to you about this?

Do you feel like you are less intelligent then your husband?

I am definitely triggered because of what my mother would say about being sensitive and she was never there as a nurturing mother so anytime I had a problem or was upset she would yell at me or tell me I was 'sensitive'. There is a fine line between me being 'overly sensitive' and the person talking to me not being aware of how they come across to people (I don't think my husband is ready to 'get that'?). In my opinion what he said 'user error' was rude and I took it that way even though what he said wasn't intended to mean that (I think there's seriously a disconnect in his brain with how what he says effects others feelings). I guess my decision lies in weather or not I want to live with it. I'm not the perfect wife so I shouldn't be pointing fingers as I bring my own issues to the table.

When it comes to book intelligence ie: any high end math or physics ect... there's not contest. Academically he was amazing in school and president of the debate club (lucky me). My husband is a genius but he doesn't get that nor does he act like he is one. I'm an artist , cook, runner, yogi, stay at home mom and my physical health has become a major priority (I'm reaching goals and I've been told by others IRL I am an inspiration for how I've changed my physical health and appearance through diet and exercise) so I'm sure my higher self esteem plays into all of this just a bit?

Not that it's a contest (T thinks my husband and I have a 'competitive relationship') but when it comes to emotional intelligence I have the brains - just my opinion but I'm a little biased in my opinion.

Sorry for the long response to your question. As I'm sure you can tell I'm grappling with some pretty big issues in my marriage right now. Hope things get better. I know enough to know that leaving my marriage isn't going to make my problems go away. I just want to make things better.

Thanks for listening

[geez]

Originally Posted by learning1

I'm thinking about the user error comment, which would have triggered me if my ex had made it. After therapy, I would have tried to calm down before responding, and remind myself that even though ex probably shouldn't have said that, he's really mainly interested in the water bottle puzzle. Whether or not I know what I'm doing is a small side issue that's not really on his mind . Do you think that could be the case with your H? That's good your H isn't as extreme as my ex, so I'm not sure if your H was very aware he was instigating something as he made the user error comment or not.

After I calmed down for a second, I might have responded, calmly, genuinely objectively, by suggesting that he might have been able to avoid hurting my feelings by saying it a little differently. He'd probably say being accurate about the water bottles was more important, and I shouldn't let my feelings get in the way of being accurate. He would partly have a point. And I would hope that eventually, the possibility of prioritizing people's feelings over water bottles sometimes might get through to him.


I recently heard or read some tips somewhere on how to get your partner to go to therapy with you. I can't remember where. If you really want him to go with you, maybe your t could give you some tips? He does sound pretty good in a lot of ways tho. And maybe you can do part of what you'd do in couples t in t on your own.

All really good insight!!! I think that is exactly where my husband is coming from. In every other aspect of our lives together he very much values my contributions to our home and raising our kids. It's the marriage part that needs some work along with me working through some triggers. The tough part is feeling stuck! I just want to be content.

[geez]

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

hmmmm... you 'feel' a certain way but, you are 'thinking' that your therapist wasn't trying to intentionally invalidate your point of view. thats an important insight to hold onto...because this reminds us that are feelings aren't always necessarily the truth...Hearing things like "your sensitive"..especially from a therapist, triggers situations from our familes where we felt unheard and it seems to be when we hear the word "sensitive" we correlate it with, "So, your telling me what I feel is not important..." Which, this isn't always the case. Being told your sensitive is a vulnerable place to be. It could very well be true that your T wAS only making an observation that you are a sensitive person... in hopes of you at least getting to know yourself on a deeper level........NOT an attack to who you are but, an insight... So yes, keep in mind the differences between what you are "feeling" at any given moment and what you are 'thinking' . We must have awareness.

Thank you Jazzy for your thoughtful insight. It's funny you mentioned what my T's intentions were. Now thinking about it after saying the sensitive statement she said that she knows it must be hard for me to sit with that. It still hurts none the less.

As for the upside to being sensitive I couldn't agree more - (I think in many ways it helps me be a better mom)

[learning1]

Originally Posted by geez

All really good insight!!! I think that is exactly where my husband is coming from. In every other aspect of our lives together he very much values my contributions to our home and raising our kids. It's the marriage part that needs some work along with me working through some triggers. The tough part is feeling stuck! I just want to be content.

Good luck with it Geez