[googley]

I was talking to my T at the end of my last session and she brought up the issue of me feeling connected. I hadn't really thought about it before about how disconnected I feel from people around me. Like when I leave session the connection dies. In a way I feel like I do it as a way to protect myself. Also like I try to pack up everything (ie intense feelings) from session when I leave so that I don't have to deal with it during the week between session. I told my T I would try to hold onto that connection between sessions. I was wondering if anyone else experiences this. I know it happens with other people in my life, like friends who I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. But not so much with people in my every day life. I feel like it is more intense with my T. Does this make sense to anyone? Does anyone else experience this?

T and I talked recently about how I've been feeling disconnected from everyone - including myself. I think for me, it's a defense mechanism. I have big feelings I'm trying to avoid, and when I try to avoid those, EVERYTHING, including connection with other people, goes with it. I stay really busy doing things like painting rooms, etc and it's so easy to disconnect.

I really am able to hold onto the connection with T lately, though. It is safe to feel with him, so I don't have to disconnect while I'm there, and I know he cares about me, and I try to take that with me (along with as many items I can get from his desk! lol) when I leave. It took a LONG time to be able to hold onto that connection.

Why do you think you are disconnecting?

[jexa]

Yeah I am very disconnected from people. In my case I am terrified of getting close for fear of being hurt or shamed. I have trouble with filters, so I either trust fully, or don't trust at all, which puts me in a continually vulnerable position. So I don't connect with anyone because I cant figure out the in-between place, the place between total submission and adoration of a person, and total disconnection. I told my T last session it feels like I am in a full-body cast most of the time. Anyone who gets close to me will experience.. Bad things. I'd rather shut them out than cause any harm. Maybe this rings a bell for you?

[dinosaurs]

hey yeah i get this A LOT. it's my protection. and urrrrrrrg it has been so hard to break out of. i've found it helps a little to set aside a time each day to specifically try to picture and really remember t. a time when i can really concentrate on it. i like doing it when i wake up in the morning but haven't yet opened my eyes. actively trying to reopen a link to him each day has been helping a little.

[swimmergirl]

Googley............I get this in the sense that I feel very connected to my T when things are going well. It is like a drug in a lot of ways...........that feeling of comfort, safety, peace, love. I try to take that with me through the week until the next session. I will with time learn how to give that to myself but for now that is where I am. I am also very aware now when I am disconnected with others and what triggers it................usually fear or I am trying to protect myself.

[Sannah]

Maybe you feel disconnected because you are still keeping yourself very far away so you aren't really connected??

[googley]

Originally Posted by treehouse

T and I talked recently about how I've been feeling disconnected from everyone - including myself. I think for me, it's a defense mechanism. I have big feelings I'm trying to avoid, and when I try to avoid those, EVERYTHING, including connection with other people, goes with it. I stay really busy doing things like painting rooms, etc and it's so easy to disconnect.

I really am able to hold onto the connection with T lately, though. It is safe to feel with him, so I don't have to disconnect while I'm there, and I know he cares about me, and I try to take that with me (along with as many items I can get from his desk! lol) when I leave. It took a LONG time to be able to hold onto that connection.

Why do you think you are disconnecting?

Tree- It is great to hear that you are connecting with T and able to hold that connection. I hadn't thought of the disconnecting w/ people possibly being related to my disconnecting from my feelings. I will have to think about that. I definitely think the disconnecting is a defense mechanism. A way to try and protect myself so I don't get hurt.

Originally Posted by jexa

Yeah I am very disconnected from people. In my case I am terrified of getting close for fear of being hurt or shamed.

I definitely feel this way about getting connected to people. And I think it is why I disconnect from people when they aren't around. But I'm not sure why I disconnect from my T between sessions. It's like every time I go in to see her it is the first time again and I'm nervous and I have to work on trusting her again to be able to get any work done.

Swimmer and Dino- Thanks for your replies. It is nice to know I'm not the only one who experiences this.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe you feel disconnected because you are still keeping yourself very far away so you aren't really connected??

The thing is that when we get into the middle of session and then until the end I feel connected. But then when I put all my feelings that have been stirred up during session, it is like I put that connection away too. And the thing is that it feels different than when I'm in session and I pull away from the connection because something has triggered me. It is like completely cutting it off. But at the same time sometimes between sessions I want to feel connected and I'll have an urge to call just to be able to say 'hi' to her voice mail, like to make sure she is still there.

It is all so confusing. It makes me feel so totally screwed up. Like why can't I do this thing that other people do? It seems worse with T than with others, but maybe that is because the connection with my T is different than my connection with others. I don't know.

[Hope-Full]

Yeah I am very disconnected from people. In my case I am terrified of getting close for fear of being hurt or shamed. I have trouble with filters, so I either trust fully, or don't trust at all, which puts me in a continually vulnerable position. So I don't connect with anyone because I cant figure out the in-between place, the place between total submission and adoration of a person, and total disconnection... Anyone who gets close to me will experience.. Bad things. I'd rather shut them out than cause any harm. Maybe this rings a bell for you?

Um. Yeah. Wow. That is a great way to explain what I go through on a daily basis. Well stated Jexa!

[jexa]

Hey googley, I was just thinking. Maybe you feel connected to your T in session, but since you don't trust people in your everyday life, leaving that window of connection to T open makes you feel vulnerable outside of T, and it's too much, so you shut it down.

It's like you are a house. Maybe you let some of your friends into your house. They can walk around and use some of your things and sit on your couch and all of that. And maybe you only invite them over when the house is clean. And then maybe there are some people who can see you a little messier, who can come in your bedroom and stuff. But there is a closet that you keep locked all the time, triple-padlocked. And you need to keep it locked, too, because there is so much stuffed inside that closet that the door is practically bursting. And NONE of your friends see inside the closet. But T gets to unlock the locks and take a little out at a time.

And you just NEVER show that closet to your friends.

So you shut the door and you lock it tight as soon as you are in your "real world," because T is the only one you are ready to trust. But then locking that door means that T has to unlock the SAME locks all over again the next time you see her.

Does this fit? I could be totally off.

[googley]

Originally Posted by jexa

Hey googley, I was just thinking. Maybe you feel connected to your T in session, but since you don't trust people in your everyday life, leaving that window of connection to T open makes you feel vulnerable outside of T, and it's too much, so you shut it down.

It's like you are a house. Maybe you let some of your friends into your house. They can walk around and use some of your things and sit on your couch and all of that. And maybe you only invite them over when the house is clean. And then maybe there are some people who can see you a little messier, who can come in your bedroom and stuff. But there is a closet that you keep locked all the time, triple-padlocked. And you need to keep it locked, too, because there is so much stuffed inside that closet that the door is practically bursting. And NONE of your friends see inside the closet. But T gets to unlock the locks and take a little out at a time.

And you just NEVER show that closet to your friends.

So you shut the door and you lock it tight as soon as you are in your "real world," because T is the only one you are ready to trust. But then locking that door means that T has to unlock the SAME locks all over again the next time you see her.

Does this fit? I could be totally off.

That makes total sense. I think I'm going to take your analogy in to my T and discuss it with her. It is like packing everything back into a box before I leave session. If I don't get it back in, then I have to take time to get it all stuffed back in. How much comes out in session seems to determine how much time it takes to get it all stuffed back in. I don't think I could leave it all hanging out in between session. It would leave me feeling too vulnerable.

[laceylu]

Originally Posted by jexa

Hey googley, I was just thinking. Maybe you feel connected to your T in session, but since you don't trust people in your everyday life, leaving that window of connection to T open makes you feel vulnerable outside of T, and it's too much, so you shut it down.

It's like you are a house. Maybe you let some of your friends into your house. They can walk around and use some of your things and sit on your couch and all of that. And maybe you only invite them over when the house is clean. And then maybe there are some people who can see you a little messier, who can come in your bedroom and stuff. But there is a closet that you keep locked all the time, triple-padlocked. And you need to keep it locked, too, because there is so much stuffed inside that closet that the door is practically bursting. And NONE of your friends see inside the closet. But T gets to unlock the locks and take a little out at a time.

And you just NEVER show that closet to your friends.

So you shut the door and you lock it tight as soon as you are in your "real world," because T is the only one you are ready to trust. But then locking that door means that T has to unlock the SAME locks all over again the next time you see her.

Does this fit? I could be totally off.

I am new here but I have a box that has been tightly closed and no opens the box because I will hurt. I had a T 15 years ago and I decided to box everything up after it was over and forget. Now the box has broken and all hell is breaking loose in my mind. My new T is all I can think about because all this stuff is going crazy. And my old T. So my problem is just the opposite of yours and I would like to disconnect a little. Therapy hurts. So maybe you can only process a bit of it at a time. Good thoughts to you!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by googley

That makes total sense. I think I'm going to take your analogy in to my T and discuss it with her. It is like packing everything back into a box before I leave session. If I don't get it back in, then I have to take time to get it all stuffed back in. How much comes out in session seems to determine how much time it takes to get it all stuffed back in. I don't think I could leave it all hanging out in between session. It would leave me feeling too vulnerable.

Googley, I can totally relate to the feeling that you have to get it all stuffed back in your "box" after session. For me, the most progress in T. was made when I felt safe enough to not pack it all back but left a little out at a time...journaling helped me stay connected between sessions and to work out things in my head