Text T how I feel...

I guess the issue is that I don't really have a problem with the way the relationship is, it is the way that she talks to me sometimes that bothers me...

that is part of the relationship though.......if she talks down to you, that is a concern, and is part of the relationship dynamic. if she talks to you like a needy friend, or a younger sister, that is a concern. that is not what should be in a T relationship! I do not mean to put down your T, because in some ways she sounds really nice, but I think she isn't being entirely objective or impartial anymore where you're concerned, and if she is going to be providing a professional service to you, she should be those things, and should talk to you in a more professional manner.

How does it work? Can you describe how this relationship with T has been therapeutic for you? Mostly what you post is lots of anguish.

Well I guess the reason I post the anguish is because my brain seems to LOVE focusing on the negative. I usually post on here looking for help or support. With a positive post I wouldn't really know why I was posting. She has helped me come a long way. Like I said im my other thread I used to SI quite often and would have Sui attempts averaging every 2 months. It has been over a year since my last Sui attempt and my SI is a lot less compared to where it used to be. She has taught me a lot about myself, has shown me new ways to cope, has taught me that I am capable of doing things on my own, always is there for me when I need her, goes above and beyond for me. She even called me from her vacation in Hawaii once to see how I was coping...

I wouldn't say that she talks down to me but I do agree with you that she could talk to me in a more professional matter...

But Cats, that's one of the problems when the boundaries become too fluid. You'd like her to talk to you in a more professional manner, but at the same time you also want her to continue doing things that friends or family would do. It's way too confusing and difficult to have a relationship where the rules keep changing. And it also recreates dynamics of abuse, where a child is a child only until the parent expects the child to be an adult that serves the parent's needs. Your T rescues you like a parent would until she apparently gets irritated by your behavior and then she expects you to act like an adult. There's no way you can ever really know what's expected of you in the relationship.
It's one thing to have a dual relationship because you can't avoid running into each other or maybe you're both members of the same organization or church, because in those situations you can still maintain a more professional or at least an acquaintance-like distance. What you describe are relationship dynamics that change more or less on a whim -- from your T rescuing you, to enjoying certain activities together, to telling you to be an adult -- and it seems to be on her terms, so you never know what to expect. The professionalism only seems to exist when she wants it to exist.

^ I agree completely.

Looks to me like the results speak for themselves. T is maintaining her boundaries (T didn't take the client on vacation with her!). As for the car towing, sometimes they charge you extra if you don't get to it right away, so I can see why T did it, esp after a gym session. You don't need that kind of stress after a session. We can see in other threads that T is indeed gently nudging Pcats out of the nest. I can't believe how strong Pcats has been in light of all these PC questions, I would have had my face stuck in a B&R31 bucket long ago. But bottom line any boundary violations must be talked about (as we are doing here), not swept under the rug, so this conversation is a good thing.

I respectfully disagree about "T maintaining her boundaries", because she (not Cats, this isn't her fault) set up blurred ones to begin with. I'm not a T nor do I work in the mental health field, I'm just a well-paying customer. You don't interact with patients outside of the therapeutic relationship. It destroys the integrity and purity of the whole thing, so to speak. Now, as someone else said, maybe you have a situation where you and T are in the same church or club, neighborhood etc. and running into each other is unavoidable. But that's different. What if Cats' T realizes she's been wrong this whole time and stops "blurring" the lines, tells Cats that she's immediately stopping the activities outside of the office? That's not fair to Cats, because she's been thinking this is OK for the last few years. Therapists hold so much power, because the emphasis is all on you in the relationship, not them. It's not a friendship.

I agree, that would not only be unfair to Cats, that would definitely be irresponsible of the T. But that's a big WHAT IF, and I would hope a T would not just cut a client off like that, that WOULD be nuckin futz, and probably a valid reason to contact a lawyer.

Boundaries serve people, people don't serve boundaries. And I really felt Cats had enough people warning her without anyone accepting the situation. I feel kinda bad even writing this back, are we objectifying her?

Sorry, Cats, we love you and are here for you!
-h

You're right. And seconded - not writing to make you feel bad, Cats, what your T does isn't your fault at all. Just my opinion, your T's behavior shows a few red flags and I tend to be a straight shooter...hence the reason I am not a therapist.

Wowy and Hanskter, thanks so much you both raise valid points. I only wish that I had been on PC 8yrs ago when I started seeing my T -if PC existed back then to get some support and guidance. I feel like I have been with her way too long to stray from her now...

PCats, YOU are the lifeline here, your presence and frankness and honesty and sweetness, thank YOU!

ME??? WTF!?!?

I am new to the scene more or less but I don't know what I'd do without the spazzing cat profile picture.

Awe Thanks.

Cats, i nominate you for president of the PC Therapy Forum.

Thanks! I didn't know I was running for it. Lol.

T hurt my feelings tonight and made me cry. (again)

She didn't swear at me this time. It was just her tone. I had a horrible night last night with way too many flashbacks. Learned today that my mom has cancer.

I text T and asked her to call me. She called withing a few minutes and I said "hello" and she said "Hello" but it wasn't the usual chipper hello, it was the "somebody pissed in my cornflakes and I think it was you hello" then she said "What. What do you want?" (Gee, that sounds real genuine...) Then she proceeds to say "What is it about you that makes you think that you are so special that you can call me whenever you want and then expect me to call you back like I owe it to you? You are the only patient I have that does this. I think you think that you are worse off then every other patient I have. You aren't. There are many that have had it a lot worse than you and they never call me. Yes you have flashbacks, yes they are hard but you got through them. You are so dependent on me and you think that you need to call me to help you get through anything that is bad and you don't need to do that and it needs to stop. So what is so important that you needed me to call you?"

I was to taken aback and upset and fighting tears that I kinda mumbled it at first. She asked me to speak up and stop mumbling so that she could understand me, I repeated myself and said "My mom has cancer." She asked what kind and if it is treatable, I told her that I don't know. Then I started crying and told her that it sounded like she is mad at me and she said that yes she is, more irritated then mad at me. Irritated with how dependent I am on her and how mad she is at herself for letting this happen.

By this point I was crying and apologising she said I didn't need to apologise but she needs to let me know when she is irritated with me. I said I called her because I wanted to tell her about my mom and she (T) called and got mad at me. She said every other patient would have waited until their session with her to tell her that. I told her that she was the one that said she was going to phone me and then stopped calling me all together and she said that she shouldn't have done that. Then she said that she isn't going to call me anymore. And is going to text me way less. Then she talked about boundaries and how I cross them because I don't understand them. Then she made a really hurtful comment to me about my lack of friends...

-sniffles and tears- I guess that's all I can post right now. I am in desperate need of a kleenex and a smoke in a bad way...

Ask her if she has BPD..

and go and have a ciggie

Going for my smoke now, back in a few...

I was wrong she did swear but didn't direct it at me this time. She said "You need to use the cushioins and the blanket that I gave you. I didn't give you those transitional object for no fu--ing reason. I gave them to you for a reason so use them."

She also thinks that my lack of friends is because I cross peoples' boundaries.
Fu-- you T and Fu-- therapy too.

That isn't true. I do have friends. Problem is my 4 closest friends all moved away...AND T knows that..,

She is responsible for the boundaries in therapy not you. It's simply not acceptable for her to change the rules when it suits her.
You know my story cats but what you don't know is that yours is heading in the same direction.