Should I bring my H to next session?

Since I began therapy my T said we could work on couples issues with my H and me. I've never wanted to do that for a few reasons. One is that I hate to share my T with anyone, and I know the attention won't be just on me. The child part says that! But, I've been doing some changing I guess, and after last session, thought (the adult parts) that I really, really need to work on my marriage. Therapy is about me and other people, not about my T and me. Gulp. Did I really write that? It hurts a lot to have to believe and admit that, but I feel like my T is there for me and always will be, so it's okay.

My H is willing to go with me. It's going to open a can of worms, though. My T knows my issues with my H but I imagine she'll let him talk and I will want to interrupt. We went a few times to my former T and it was helpful but I did feel like I missed the time alone with her.

My current T suggested that I have another session just with her, but I can't go twice/week.

So, how does it work out if you go with your H or SO to therapy? Please don't suggest a different T; I'm not going to do that. I also have to admit that I'm curious to see how my T will relate to my H and me together. I know she sees couples and families. Social workers usually do that.

Every now and then, either I will go to my husband's session, or he will go to mine (we have the same t). Our t is very adept at running these sessions so that we are both involved in the session and neither of us dominates the session. We generally each have our individual sessions too, so we have plenty of individual time with t. I find the joint session invaluable in working on our relationship issues.

While I understand you don't want another T, and that T does see couples and families... It is an EXTREMELY difficult shift to go from being an individual therapist to a couples therapist, and is usually not recommended, especially with the length of time you have had with T. T's alliance is with you and is there to support you. To bring in a spouse changes that dynamic and can cause a lot of intense feelings and triangulation. I've always been trained to refer out if it shifts from individual to couples counseling, so that I can continue my work and another may take on the aspects of couples. It's a whole different ball game.

In my experience when I've tried to make the shift, it hasn't worked well... I wish I could say otherwise, and perhaps others can shine some light on it.

Stormy, I find your opinion interesting because having the same t and also seeing him as a couple has been vital to our recovery and the improvement in our lives. By working with both of us, he really has an intimate understanding of the dynamics that are working between us, something that having a separate therapist would really never get to because he wouldn't be seeing all sides of the story. Neither of us are threatened by the situation at all. On the contrary, we both find it to be highly therapeudic.

I'm glad that it is therapeutic for you both. That's what counts. Professionally, my training and experience has been very different. I too find it interesting.

How did the relationship with T start? Who found him first, how much individual work, did it start as couples, etc?

I find that shifting from couples to individual work is easier. If both of you are in from the start, then the shift from couples and individual is easy. But if it's one individual for a length of time, and then try to integrate it into couples, it hasn't worked well or is recommended with my training.

It actually started as individual therapy for me. A few months later, I recommended him to my husband who started with him. Some time later, we started going in occasionally for joint sessions. He's actually also done some work with two of our sons, although not nearly as extensively. The great thing about this is how intimately familiar he is with our family/relationship dynamics. Nothing gets past him.

Interesting... I'm glad it works so well for you and yours

I think one of the things that makes it work for us is that none of us are threatened by our t having a relationship with the other person. Rainbow, to bring it back to you (sorry), if you feel you would be threatened by your t spending time with your husband also, that is something to think about. I know you said you can't do an extra session, but that would be better. That way you still get all of your one-on-one time with your t and perhaps will feel less like your time is being taken away from you. Just a thought.

stormy, I don't think it will turn into couples therapy. My H isn't going to come regularly. I'm pretty sure of that! Maybe it's naive to think that one session may help, but I'm hoping she can just give us some help in relating to each other. I emailed her about it and asked her to tell me if she doesn't think it's a good idea. She's never objected before, but maybe she will now.

Rainbow, I found it very helpful to have the same therapist for couples work as for individual. In fact, it was invaluable! If a T has the training for that, which my T did, they can deal with the shift, and it can work well. My T is Family Systems and this is what they are trained for. I later saw a different Family Systems therapist with my daughter for therapy and we were each offered individual sessions as well. Family Systems Ts are trained to work with all members of the family in all combinations. (My H and I and our kids all went together to therapy a couple of times too. And my T has offered to see my mother and me in joint sessions.) If your T is trained for this, the problem will not be with her, but with whether you can handle it (see below). Some Ts do not have this training and in fact, their training has encouraged them to refer out in this situation (like stormy mentioned). I think you should check with your T on her training to see if this is within her scope of practice and abilities (and preferences).

When my H (now XH) and I were doing couples work, I had one couples session a week and one individual. We were in crisis with the marriage and we needed to go weekly for a while. I know 2 sessions a week is expensive, but this was just for a short period. If your marriage is not in crisis, I would suggest you alternate weeks--one week individual therapy, the next week couples. It might be helpful to start the couples therapy off with a few weeks in a row. Like go for 3 weeks straight, then go to every other week.

Since we were doing couples therapy, and my T was treating our family (in addition to my H, my children came a couple of times too), he also offered individual sessions to my H. My H did not take advantage of this, but the offer was open.

My T told me that this is the main reason some people cannot do couples therapy. They can't handle "sharing" the T in session. The T can help some with this, like making sure to connect with both of you individually in the session, and giving each of you a look or a smile "just for you" during the joint session. I think it is important to talk about this with your T before beginning the couples sessions. She can offer reassurance that she will still be there for you even though there is another person present. I didn't have that problem doing couples with my H. I didn't feel jealous. But yet T still told me before we started that he is there for both of us, he is not ignoring me when he is talking to my H, that he is just a few feet away, and that I should know that as soon as he talks to my H, he will be talking to me, or to us both. So I should know he is there for me even if he isn't talking individually to me. He gave me this reassurance even though this wasn't a problem for me, so I think he must give it to everyone going into this situation. He is a family therapist so he really wants the family therapy to work!

Because the material in couples therapy was so intense, I did zone out sometimes. T said I was dissociating, but I don't know. He told me that if he noticed that, he would try to provide a stronger presence to me at those moments to keep me there. I am not sure what he meant, but he seemed to know what was happening and what I needed and like he knew how to handle all this stuff.

I would say definitely talk about all of this with your T before you start the couples sessions.

For the people who just cannot do couples therapy with their individual therapist due to not wanting to share their special T with another, he refers out to family therapists he knows are good and would be a good fit. Rainbow, the fact that you want to do couples with your T and H seems to indicate you would do OK with this. Some people have an immediate response, "no, I would never do that!!!" but you don't seem to have that, which bodes well.

I hope your T can establish standards so that doesn't happen. If she can reassure you that you will get a chance to talk and be heard, then there is no need to interrupt, right? Interrupting is a way of shutting the other person down. You can't really listen to the other person if you are interrupting him. So hopefully, your T will be strong and let each of you speak and not let either of you interrupt. It could be this same interrupting behavior is happening at home and causing problems.

Yes, this was very interesting to see! I got to see my T in action with another person. I got to see him trying to establish a therapeutic relationship with another person. His "technique" was so much more apparent to me than when it happened with him and me. It was interesting just to sit back and watch that. (Maybe that is one thing you can do when T and your H are talking, to help you not be interrupting.)

Rainbow, I think a really good thing could come out of doing couples with your T (beyond helping the marriage), and that is that your H will get to know your T, will like her, and come to respect her. I think this will help him not look down so much on your therapy activities. You have said before that he sometimes hassles you about therapy or tells you it is not doing you any good, etc. So if he has a good relationship with your T, and understands better that she is trying to help, then this problem of your T not supporting your therapy may go away. My H came to respect my T tremendously. He thought he was a great guy and found our couples sessions helpful. (I didn't have the problem with my H not liking my therapy, but is was good nonetheless that my H got to know my T and liked/respected him.)

Good luck with this!

Thanks, sunrise. I know it's fine with my T because I think it was her suggestion months ago. My H wouldn't come regularly because he doesn't want to spend the money. Maybe I could alternate. I have to see how it goes. Since I have 1 1/2 hrs. maybe I could have half an hour at the end. I think 1 1/2 hrs. is too long for my H to sit, anyway!!

I have definitely done sporadic couples work with adult clients and it had gone well. I misread it as working on the marriage to mean making an overall change to couples focused work... My training is in family systems as well, and yes we are trained to work with dyads (couples, parent-child, etc) and the system as a whole. But the role has to be pretty defined from where I was trained. Either you are primarily individual, or primarily family/couples. Switching it up throughout every once in a while isn't seen as an issue, but when that line is blurred - am I x's therapist, family therapist, couples therapist? - it can create problems. Again, this is just the way *I* have been trained to handle it.

Good luck, follow up and let us know how it goes.

just gonna put my two cents in here RAIN if you decide to do a couples session.maybe talk with your T about what you hope to accomplish within this session and go in with this agenda.not sure going in with just the hope that it will help your relationship may work.you might need to identify something that need to be worked on

But maybe it's you spending the money. If you have one session a week, does it matter if it is couples or individual? Cost is the same.

I agree, 90 minutes would be long for a couples session!

If that's the case, then you probably won't have the "sharing your T" problem. If it's just once, you can get through it even if somewhat uncomfortable, right?

I would ask you, if you just want your H to come once in a while, what is the goal? And can it be met by his not coming regularly, even if only for a short time? Couples therapy is difficult and challenging. Especially when there are well-established communication problems (not sure if you have this or not), it can take a number of sessions to learn effective communication (such as not interrupting, truly listening, not getting defensive, phrasing things non-judgmentally, etc.), and the T's office is a great place to practice communicating effectively with your spouse. I do remember my T basically telling my H forcefully to "let her talk!" when he kept trying to interrupt me and shut me down, talk over me, etc. It felt so good for someone to hold him at bay so I could talk. He really worked hard to get each of us to really hear the other person. This is not easy work. We both improved through the practice in T's office. I do not think it would have helped us to have an occasional session here and there, but as I said, our marriage was pretty bad, so you may have a lot less need. (I think we went for about 10 sessions, 10 weeks in a row.)

Stormy, yes, it sounds like there are different types of training for family therapists. Interesting to hear the differences! It is true that my T saw me for individual therapy, my H and I for couples therapy, and my whole family a couple of times. The couples and individual sessions were pretty "equal" for a while. But when I felt that doing therapy with my daughter was really needed, he referred the two of us out for that. He said he felt he already had too many roles with my family, and another T would be better for this mother-daughter work. I was fine with that, since I really wanted a T who was very experienced working with adolescents for this, and that is not a specialty of my T's. I think it's easier for my T that he just has one role with me now. It is less complicated that way. Phew! And we are doing some really hard work right now that is not related to my current family dynamics, and it is nice to not have that individual work "diluted" by other types of concurrent therapy. If you are primarily working on family/couples issues in your individual therapy, then i think the two types can be really complementary.

Rainbow, i took my son once to therapy and i did not like having to share t at all. and it was all of my idea. i asked t if i could bring him (he is 21) except t only said like two or three sentences to me and the rest of the time talked to my son. he did keep everything i said confidential so that was not the issue. but i did not like sharing at all. then i just felt bad. this is my son! i did do the right thing.

hope it works out better for you. i like your idea of doing couples for an hour and then get the last thirty minutes for yourself. that sounds doable.... good luck

I tried bringing my H to two sessions - the first session went okay, but during the second session, my H shut down because he felt like he was kind of being ambushed.

I think it depends a lot on your marriage dynamic and your T - I love my T, but my husband and I are going to try seeing someone else for couple's therapy (as much as it pains me and as much as I DON'T want to go).