[granite1]

i am thinking about the stuff i said to my T.she has got to think i am just about the most horrible person in the universe.GOD i hate me i am so pathetic.i so don't want to ever go see her again.the things i said to her were awfully.at the time it seemed like it was OK but now that i have had time to think of it she probably hates me now anyway and i don't want to hear what she has to say about it all next week.i cant handle another person being mean.god just stupid stupid stupid i hate me.i know better.i feel tricked and betrayed by her

[SpiritRunner]

you are neither stupid nor horrible, granite! many hugs to you......

[granite1]

i can just see myself sitting on the floor with her and trying to whisper what i need to say to her.i can still hear her telling me to stop putting my hands over my ears and to listen to what she has to say.she has to think i am such an idiot.i dont want to go back at all.

Stop your mind reading Granite. Your t has great respect for you and has your well-being in mind. You know that. You are talking yourself into thinking otherwise. She hasn't tricked you or betrayed you at all. On the contrary, you showed great caring for you. Look at the reality.

[Perna]

Granite, how you see things is not the same as how another sees them. The other comes from a different "base" so even if you say something horrible to your T, about your T, your T is not thinking bad things about herself so what you say does not have as great an impact as you imagine. I keep the phrase, "Your mother wears combat boots!" with me in the back of my head and think about all the possibilities of someone saying that to me or me to them. Remember the taunts of childhood and how they hurt but would not hurt as greatly now but just seem a bit "silly" perhaps?

Even if you told your T what a "lousy" therapist she was and of no help to you at all and she should quit her day job and do something else etc. your T has more clients than you and if 99 other clients and her boss and teachers, friends and relatives think she is a great therapist, the impact of how you feel (which, is coming from outside of them) is lessened. What we say is about us, not about the other person. I'm sure your T feels badly that you are hurting so much to have said whatever it was you said.

[2or3things]

Big hugs to you, Granite. This stuff is hard, and people have to get through it in their own way at their own pace. And T's know that.

For myself, I know that when I start feeling this way, it's always as much about trying to distance myself from my T (cause I'm feeling anxious about our relationship) as anything else. Just yesterday I told my T that I still (after more than 2 years) really want to hide behind the sofa when I get there every week because talking feels impossble. I find the idea of connecting with her to be both the most desirable and most terrifying thing I can think of.

Anyway, I guess I'm wondering, with all of that, is it really just about what you're saying, or is it more about your relationship w/ T? And what do you think can make it better in either case?

[Xeneon]

She doesn't think your horrible!!! T's know that when days like this go on its the client going threw the emotions. She might be worried about you, right now. You don't even know. Stop thinking about what you said and remember that she has your back no matter what. Don't be so hard on yourself!!! It will be okay.

[unaluna]

Sounds from what you are saying here, like you worked really hard in this session and should be proud of yourself, even though it was and still is sad and embarrassing and difficult. End quote my T!

[peaches100]

Hi Granite,

Why would your t think you were "the most horrible person in the universe?" Because you covered your ears and had trouble saying words? That doesn't make you horrible at all! It just means that it's hard for you to share your pain. The fact that you tried, you made the attempt, I'll be that was heartwarming to your t to see you courageously try.

[peaches100]

Granite,

I'm sorry you feel bad about yourself so often. I wish you could see yourself the way that we see you. courageous. genuine. caring.

[granite1]

you guys are so awesome. i know i need to give her a chance but it just feels so bad and humiliating.i feel like i am saying to her "OK so hear is everything bad about me and by the way don't hate me also.how can she not.when i am telling her how much i really hate people and don't want anything to do with them.she didn't seem to hate me .she said she will be here next week no holiday and smiled at me.i saw her.the only thing she said kind of loud and scary was to take my hands off my ears so i can hear what she is saying

[nicoleb2]

Granite, I can really relate to feeling stupid. Last week, I ended up digging my nails into my hand (during my session) because i was so upset. I am terrified to go to my appointment tonight and talk about it. I fell like my T is going to think i am an idiot and she is going to be angry.

We will both be ok, we can do this!

[WePow]

(((((Granite))))) It is ok to feel the way you do right now. It can be hard to expose ourselves in such an honest way. And it is easy for us to think that a T thinks the things about us that we already think about ourselves.

The truth is that the more honest a client is with a T, the deeper the respect the T has for that client. Being a fake is easy. Being genuine is hard.

[karebear1]

I agree with what WePow says Granite. I have been right where you are- regretting I ever opened my mouth in front of T. I held onto that feeling of anger at myself for doing it- and the embarassment I felt was so bad I didn't think I'd ever be able to show my face again- But ya know what? The next time I saw my T she was the same old T- She didn't look at me funny, or ask if I was feeling better than last week or anything. She acted like she did when I first met her. It was amazing to me that my T could just feel so comfortable around me after what I had told her. Her reaction to me made me feel comfortable granite.

You're doing such a great job. Just keep rolling with it. ((((((((((Granite))))))))))

Hey Granite -
Sounds like you had a rough one today.
One time when i was with several Ts who were trying to calm me down, i told everyone in the room, that they were all effing crazy, they all sucked, and they could all eff themselves...they were the worst group of therapists ever and i couldn't believe that the state even allowed them to exist.
and then I ran out.
And they followed me and told me it was ok and asked me to come back.
It's not easy. this stuff is really hard.
And we make it even harder on ourselves.
i wish I had some magical way to make this easier for you, but all I can tell you is that you're not the only one.
Jadedmoonbeam

[laceylu]

T's exist because people need help with the ugly stuff. No one else in society can deal with the ugly stuff like a T can. If ugly stuff did not happen, then we would not need any T's. A friend of mine once asked me not to talk of my childhood because he could not listen and handle the reality of my early years. It occurred to me that I was lucky to have had a T to sort these things out. Peace to you. I know T can really hard and painful, hang in there.

(((granite)))
I think it's called "catastorphising" ...imagining the worst outcome from something. Please don't do this to yourself. I doubt very much that you're stupid.....you are human with feelings
Please give yourself a break. Therapy is hard work and you are doing it!

[nicoleb2]

Granite, I survived my T appointment today, and I believe that you can too. It's hard as hell to walk back in there when you feel stupid, but if you just jump in and get it over with it's not as bad

Originally Posted by granite1

you guys are so awesome. i know i need to give her a chance but it just feels so bad and humiliating.i feel like i am saying to her "OK so hear is everything bad about me and by the way don't hate me also.how can she not.when i am telling her how much i really hate people and don't want anything to do with them.she didn't seem to hate me .she said she will be here next week no holiday and smiled at me.i saw her.the only thing she said kind of loud and scary was to take my hands off my ears so i can hear what she is saying

It sounds like it was indeed a rough session. And, from your response of having to cover your ears, it seems like there may be some history of having to protect yourself from others when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. And then add on anything that feels embarrassing and it feels like it's all too much. And T is trying to give a new response, develop a new neuropath way to show that not all people will respond to you with hatred or meanness. But what a thing to re-learn, to sit through with a therapist, to trust that process. From the sound of T, she does not and will not hate you, no matter what "horribleness" you hand to her. Just because horrible things have happened to us does not make you a horrible person. Her message seemed to say, at the end when she smiled and said next week is no holiday - "I am still here, caring about what is best for you, and do not think you're horrible". Your T is trying to show you, not everyone is going to respond to you like those in your past. She is gently trying to show you that she, and others, can be so different. But, you do have to allow her to show you.

[granite1]

i know today they will call about my T appointment on monday.my stomach is turning just thinking about it .i so dont want to go not only do i know i wont be able to even open my mouth but i am so so so ashaimed about how much i said about hating people last week .i know i should have just kept it to myself.i just cant face her again i dont want to.i just want to keep hiding.i am even having a hard time posting here.i dont want to go.

[rainbow8]

granite, please GO anyway!!!!!! Your T is on YOUR side. She wants to help you, and I know that you know that. I know how horrible it feels and how scared you are! You let her in a little and you can't go backwards. But you can go at your own pace. You can go in, sit on the floor, and play a game. Your T will not push you to say more until you are ready.

She does not think you are stupid or horrible or anthing like that. I guarantee it! Therapy is VERY hard. It's not fun, but it will help you feel better. It's a slow process, to quote my T, and the only way out is through.

You can TELL your T you feel like hiding. See if you can get that out. I did that in my session a couple of weeks ago. But please go so you can see that your T is there for you no matter what you say to her. I don't usually like to say these words, but maybe they will help now. It's her job. She's not going to turn you away because it's her job to help you. She CARES AND it's her job, not like telling anyone else. Ts are trained to hear the worst stuff we can say, and to them it's NOT bad because we are good, and we just need help.

[granite1]

i hear myself telling her how much i hate people and her saying she is trying to figure out if it is just at work or everybody,i hear he saying that i am not telling her anything and me saying now she sounded like my esr and her saying that it was a very different situation.that made me feel even worse .about not talking to either one of them.god all this keeps running through my head.i just don't know if i am ready to deal with all this.work is so bad.i have been kicked out of my dept and reassigned and it may be better or not i don't know it is all i can do to show up.i don't want to interact with any of them .i am OK until anyone tries to approach me.i don't know what to do

[WePow]

Sending TONS of hugs!!!!!! It sounds like you are in a very defensive state right now for self protection. That is ok. Sometimes just showing up is the hardest part! Don't give up on yourself.

[granite1]

wepow you are so strong.i know how hard it is for you to keep going to work day after day.i think about you and you situation often as i am most of the time not able to make myself go or if i do i only last a few hours before i breakdown and get sent home by my ESR.i wish i could be so strong.i dont know how you continue to do this and i am amazed because i see and feel your pain.just sending so many hugs back

[granite1]

i told my ESR i would come into work for only 4 hrs today .i wish i hadnt but if i didnt she probibly wouldnt have been able to get me reassighned.all i really want to do is hide i have been doing it for weeks working little but i know i have to stop but it is so hard